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Kristin Cavallari Hosted Fashion Week’s Worst Party

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All photos by the author

Earlier this week I received the following email from a friend of mine:

“Excited to see you and hear a bit about your fabulous Fashion Week life!”

Don’t get me wrong, covering Fashion Week is both fascinating and intoxicating in its own individual way—but I went on to explain to my friend that not every part of Fashion Week can be described as fabulous. I’m sure every fashion editor can attest to this. The reality of it all is, at times, more or less colorful chaos and herds of amateur streetstyle photographers. After a week of crowded parties and highbrow events, my final night of New York Fashion Week was spent at Kristin Cavallari’s Chinese Laundry shoe launch. It was a terrible experience, unlike any other of the past seven nights.

Kristin Cavallari creating a lucrative personal brand for herself like this—or attempting to—shouldn’t come as a surprise. Lauren Conrad, fellow Laguna Beach star and Allure’s Basic Bitch of 2014, has created her own incredibly successful fashion and beauty empire since leaving the hit television series The Hills and Laguna Beach. Kristin’s legacy will be shoes and preaching her controversial anti-vaccination stance.

Before we go any further, let me say that not all Fashion Week events are created equal. This is obvious. The day of, VICE received the confirmed invitation along with the official press release.

“Kristin Cavallari has created a collection that combines the glamour and style of today’s celebrity while nodding at the current economic climate. Styles range from classic ballet flats with modern studs to peek-a-boo mesh platform heels that work the red carpet as well as designer jeans!”

OK, typical PR talk, whatever—I continue reading. "Confirmed talent includes Carol Minaj (Nicki Maraj's Mom), Noelle Reno (Fashion Correspondent/Bravo Ladies of London), Sean Lowe (The Bachelor)," among a slew of other pseudo-celebrities. In that moment I decided to make it my personal goal to take a selfie with Nicki Minaj’s mother.

A few hours later, the time had come. Even though I was beginning to feel the wear and tear of Fashion Week, as someone who watched Laguna Beach religiously growing up I looked forward to my promised five-to-seven-minute time slot with Kristin. I walked into the hotel and immediately checked in with the events team organizing the event.

“Excuse me, where is the press check-in?”

“Um, I’m not sure...”

After a few minutes of uncertainty, I was shooed into the press corner, which consisted of me and three staffers from the Daily Quirk—"your daily dose of quirky goodness." Sitting on the ground of a midtown hotel and painfully bored, I listened to them gossip about beef they had with a similar publication I'd never heard of. As I put my head in my hands a woman came up to me. She did not mess around. She informed me that my promised five-minute time slot was cut to two minutes, if that. It became clear to me that I wasn't worthy.

As the red carpet was about to start, the press area tripled. There were now 12 or so photographers and videographers waiting for Kristin Cavallari to come down from her hotel room. In the meantime, two waify models stepped onto the carpet wearing Kristin’s designs and over-posed for the photographers. A few moments later, Kristin appeared. No one was taking pictures.

“WHO IS THAT? IS THAT KRISTIN? THAT’S NOT KRISTIN” shouted the obnoxious photographer to the right of me.

“That is Kristin,” I confirmed, like some sort of Laguna Beach prophet.

Kristin exited the red carpet, as did I. I headed over to my not-so-trusty event coordinator, who told me what I had been suspecting all along: I would not be meeting Kristin Cavallari. As we continueed talking it was unclear whether I was even allowed in the party, which I told her would defeat the purpose of this entire story. We made a deal that I would stay unless someone saw me and told me to leave. This was clearly a recipe for excellent press, right? Right. Sure, why not.

I was visibly annoyed and decided I needed a drink—ASAP. I walked to the open bar, which offered an assortment of wine, beer, and fruity beverages. I felt overwhelmed by the options and awkwardly mumbled that I wanted “the coconut one” to the bartender—"the coconut one” being Coconut and Peach Moscato by Myx Fusions/Nicki Minaj. I took a sip, and it tasted like a shitty Fuzzy Navel Seagrams Wine Cooler that I drank during the Laguna Beach days, except it was disguised in a sleek blue bottle. I felt disgusted and nostalgic simultaneously, which was strangely fitting for the evening ahead of me. I wastefully placed the drink back on the bar.

I strolled past empty reserved tables with bottle service and looked around at the crowd surrounding me—which was made up of a sea of bodycon dresses, floral headpieces, and fedoras. This was not your typical fashion crowd. As I began to wonder if Kristin’s team had just invited Twitter fans to the event, I unexpectedly ran into a non-bodycon-wearing friend of mine who is a reputable fashion editor. We both agreed the ladies were dressed as carbon copies of both The Hills and The City. “WHERE AM I? What is going on” was the general consensus.

Truth be told, the shoes weren't that bad. They weren't that good either. Kristin offers an assortment of colorful prints to go along with her strappy stilettos. For the sake of the party, the shoes were put behind glass like precious pieces of irreplaceable art. I personally wouldn’t wear them myself, but I can imagine there is a very clear customer in mind: everyone at this party. Attendees described them as “really versatile,” “there's something for everybody,” “really cool,” and “they look comfortable.”

At this point, Kristin, who stood flanked by her shoe collection, was conducting interviews with the Daily Quirk and other outlets. I watched from afar. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Perez Hilton talking to one of these outlets. I waited for the opportunity to ask for a photograph when a fedora-wearing blogger interjected for a selfie. Afterward, Perez descended into the VIP area. As you might have guessed by now, I was most definitely not invited.

I decided to mingle. It was a party, after all. I struck up a conversation with a friendly man who earlier had told me he basically had the same shirt as me, a drapey floral blouse that looked like it should be a window curtain. My new friends, Mia Webber and Erik Bliss, are employees of New York Family Magazine. “Kristin’s a mom, that’s of interest to us—interesting moms in show business doing stuff,” Mia explained. Both Mia and Erik approved of Kristin’s shoe line. Though they both set the bar low for expectations, Mia described them as “actually pretty cute.” Erik chimed in: “UM, why do they not make them in size 12 for men? Because HELLO!” I decided to take the conversation to a dark place: Kristin’s anti-vaccination stance. Considering their employers, they politely declined on commenting. I made a personal note to self: File vaccinations along with politics and religion as things you should absolutely not talk about at parties.

I parted ways with my new friends and peered into the crowd. A woman and her male companion tapped me on the shoulder.

“Who is that? She’s in the VIP, and I have no idea who it is. Do you have any idea?”

I told her I have literally no idea who anyone was here, aside from Nicki Minaj’s mom, who like some majestic unicorn I had yet to actually see. I took a photograph of this woman and asked her for her first and last name. She looked surprised that I was asking her for her name, stayed mute, and pointed to what I’m assuming was her assistant. Her assistant handed me a card. “Brandsway Cr#ative: Scarlett Stack, social media and creative strategist.”

I shook my head. A few hours into the party, this was my queue to make my exit. Walking down the hotel steps past a line of girls who were dressed like the rest of the crowd inside, I felt like I was riding off into the sunset that was the end of my work week. Then, reality sank in: I was at Port Authority Bus Terminal, I did not get to meet Nicki Minaj’s mom, and I spent the night being treated like the dirt Kristin Cavallari walks on in her snake-print stilettos—confirming that this was the worst Fashion Week event I had attended all week. Thanks for the terrible time.


I Have Sexsomnia—and Can't Be Cured

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I Have Sexsomnia—and Can't Be Cured

White Fight, White Flight: The Atlanta Hawks and the Race Card

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White Fight, White Flight: The Atlanta Hawks and the Race Card

I Worked for a Puppy Mill

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A dog cowering inside a cage at a puppy mill. USDA photos courtesy of Mary LaHay

For one week during the winter of 2005, I worked for a puppy mill. A friend and I had been hired to drive a van across the country—the company served as a middleman between major dog-breeding facilities in Iowa and various stores between there and New York City. When I signed up for the job, I had no idea that I would be committing a crime, nor that I would be participating in an industry of torture that would haunt me forever.

My friend (whom I will name Pete) and I were in our early 20s and had barely traveled outside of our rural homelands. This was our chance to explore the country while making some quick, much-needed cash (as dropout artists, we went through jobs like tissues). And puppies! My twee little heart fluttered at the idea of it: driving through Chicago, Detroit, Boston, and NYC, the urban jungles of our musical heroes, mythical landscapes we’d only read about in magazines and biographies—all in a van with maybe four or five purebred baby dogs on our laps, eagerly exploring this exotic new world alongside us.

Pete had arranged the job. We were to make the first pickup at 5 AM on a January morning. Half asleep and stumbling across the pre-dawn gravel, I first noticed the smell. Then the screams.

Unlike Pete, I hadn't grown up working on a farm. Though I’d spent enough time on them to not be phased by the noxious smell of fertilizer or the piercing sound of a pig giving birth, this was something else—like a jet-engine blowing through a garbage dump, a horror show unlike anything I’d seen in my 22 years as an Iowa resident.

The building was a long aluminum hangar lit by pulsing florescent lights shining down on a seemingly endless corridor of wire kennels. The kennels were stacked six or seven high, with three or four dogs crammed into each one. Dachshunds, bulldogs, beagles, huskies, mastiffs, pugs, rottweilers—all less than eight weeks old.  They were everywhere, stacked above my head, hundreds of them, all clamoring for attention with a frenetic urgency. These were not the playful barks of excitement we associate with viral YouTube videos. There was no mistaking the sounds as anything but pained screams.

I couldn’t blame them, since I wanted to scream myself. The stench of hundreds of dogs pissing and shitting all over one another inside an enclosed space sent me running for the bathroom, where I quickly vomited up my morning coffee. We carried two collies and three Great Danes to the van, each of them no bigger than a loaf of Wonderbread. Like the mill, the kennels in the van were also stacked one on top of the other. I began to load each dog into his/her own kennel—which had a wire-floor with sawdust beneath, to catch the waste—but Pete was putting two or three into each kennel, keeping room for the massive amount of dogs to come. My Scooby-Doo fantasy of only half a dozen puppies was clearly a joke.

The entire time we worked, an adult female dog was chained to the ground, barking helplessly as she watched her children being taken away. Her bark was weak and hoarse. I would later learn she’d had her voice box removed.

This is often the part of the story where I’m asked: Why did you continue the trip after seeing what you were getting into? Why didn’t you just refuse the job and run home—by foot if necessary?

“You ate a breakfast burrito from McDonald's this morning—what do you think it looks like where the chicken in that burrito is made?” Pete asked me in the van after I told him I thought it was disgusting how these puppies are treated "The people who buy these dogs at their local mall, they can afford to not know where their puppies come from. But we’re poor, so we see behind the curtain. We work behind the curtain.”

Pete grew up a proper farmboy, collecting the semen of hogs and slitting the throats of turkeys. My sensitivity toward animals was a liability in that world, something a few years of bullying taught me to keep to myself. When I was a kid my friends cherished torturing cats and squirrels, and if I didn’t hide my tears I might receive the same kerosene and lit match treatment. (Up until the 19th century, public cat burnings were a popular form of entertainment in France.)

I certainly wasn’t raised to have empathy toward animals. The idea of pets baffled my dad, who was unable to see an animal as anything other than meat or a nuisance. So where did this outrage come from? At 22 I didn’t know, and was only just then beginning to realize that there were other people in the world who could read the pain in the eyes of animals like I did. Yet I still didn’t have the resolve to put my foot down and protest when something didn’t feel right.

When the van was full, we had more than 100 dogs in there. We were required to keep this vehicle moving 24 hours a day, with one person sleeping while the other drove. There was little time to feed or give water to the dogs, and none to let them out of their cages. Attempting to dull the smell, we cracked the windows, but this was January in the Midwest with a 30-below windchill, and the company back in Iowa warned us to not let the puppies catch pneumonia and die (though if they did, this was an anticipated bit of collateral damage when shipping product).

Both Pete and I would get quite ill during this trip: Flu-like symptoms mixed with our sleeplessness and the incessant sound of crying puppies to slowly strip us of resolve. My heart lifted slightly each time we unloaded a few of the dogs at some corporate pet store, but when we reached Chicago, one store owner followed us back to our van and said, “Don’t get pulled over in Illinois with your van looking like that: You’ll be arrested for animal abuse.” I began crying in front of the stranger.

Seven years after this conversation, two men were arrested for performing the exact same job we were, for the exact same company. They were charged with dozens of counts of animal cruelty—one for each puppy. Of all the things to be arrested for, I would take treason or kidnapping or armed robbery over animal abuse.

But prosecutions like that one against puppy mills are exceedingly rare.

“There are little slaps on the wrist here and there, but nothing serious,” Mary LaHay, president of Iowa Friends of Companion Animals, tells me. “The USDA bends over backwards to help these folks; if they’re out of line with the regulations, they’ll give them years to improve.”

It was the US Department of Agriculture that first began encouraging farmers to breed dogs following crop failure during World War II. In 1966, President Lyndon Johnson signed the Animal Welfare Act, which required any breeder with more than three dogs to apply for a license, but only required cages be six inches taller than the dogs, and allowed them to live standing upon the wire cages for their entire lives, never touching the ground or seeing the light of day. The ASPCA estimates there are around 10,000 puppy mills in the US, many with over 1000 dogs inside a single facility.

While Iowa ranks second behind Missouri as the state with the most puppy mills, it was the first state to introduce the so-called “Ag-Gag” bills, which criminalizes the act of filming animal abuse in farming practices. And, according to LaHay, of all the top-breeding states in the US, Iowa is the only one with no state oversight for the operations.

“A significant reason there’s no legislative movement to regulate puppy mills is the opponents have very deep pockets,” says Devin Kelly, an Iowa attorney who offers legal services to clients with animal welfare cases.  

These deep-pocketed opponents include, among many others, the American Kennel Club, which hires lobbyists to fight dog-breeding regulations under the same premise as the NRA with gun-control: Any regulation, no matter how small, threatens to shut down all dog breeding. (The NRA also lobbies to fight puppy-mill legislation, under the premise of protecting those who breed hunting dogs.)

State legislators in Missouri dismantled a voter-approved anti-puppy mill law in 2011, insisting the new demands for oversight would be too costly for the state (where the dog-breeding industry earns an estimated $1 billion annually). Missouri dominates the Humane Society's list of the“101 worst puppy mills,” with the Riverfront Times reporting last May that many dogs are currently “fed raw cow meet infested with maggots. Their faces are matted with so much feces that they can't see. Their wounds bleed and ooze without any medical treatment. They are left outside on wire floors to freeze to death.”

Missouri did pass the Canine Cruelty Prevention Act, which the Humane Society says is not as strong as the original, voter-approved proposition, but at least requires "higher standards of care at commercial breeding kennels than Missouri had five years ago.”

Much of the legislation introduced to fight large-scale commercial dog breeding is not so much concerned with animal abuse as with taxes and consumer protection. These operations often get away without having a state sales-tax permit and report their own income, which allows them to skirt a lot of payments while operating within a multimillion dollar business. (LaHay estimates the industry brings in around $15 million annually in Iowa alone.) And the corners cut in not providing proper care to the dogs often results in pets that are loaded with ailments the new owner must contend with.

“A lot of the puppies coming out of these places are sick and genetically inferior,” LaHay says. “The lack of socialization early on often leads to aggression or fear. Puppies also learn their house-training from their mothers, but the mothers in mills aren’t house-trained. And then there are genetic anomalies like hip dysplasia, allergies, luxating patellas. So people are buying these dogs, falling in love with them, and then only later discovering all of these problems.”

During my week delivering puppy-mill dogs, pet store owners kept discovering serious problems with their health. Each was briefly examined for kennel cough, eye infections and other maladies, and if any symptoms were found, the dog would be rejected by the store and sent back to the mill in Iowa. My heart would leap at the site of these dogs placed into a large bin with toys and other puppies, feeling the warm sunlight coming through the shop windows. And so there was nothing worse when a dog would be turned away, forcing us to return him to the cold, dark van.

By the time we made it to New York City, there were only half a dozen dogs left, the number I’d originally imagined us transporting. But at this point there was little remaining momentum to explore the city I’d so often heard Lou Reed sing about. I just wanted to go home. Pete and I were both running a fever, and had barely slept throughout the week. The only dogs still in the van were sick, too.

Pete had become as disgusted with the operation as I was, and called his boss in Iowa to quit. This allowed us to take our time returning home. Somewhere in Ohio, we stopped at a park and let the remaining puppies out of their cages. It was an unseasonably warm afternoon, and we played with the dogs on a grassy hill. They ecstatically jumped about, experiencing grass and fresh-air for the first time in their short lives. We ran and they chased us. I tumbled to the ground and the dogs all over leapt all over me, licking my face and tickling my skin with their sinewy, cotton-like fur—never once understanding that we were the villains. We were the ones responsible for their misery. All they understood was this one moment of happiness and love, a single instance of grace, quite possibly was the only one they would ever know.

Follow Josiah M. Hesse on Twitter.

The VICE Reader: The Hows and Whys of Prison Escapes

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All illustrations by Joseph Remnant

Over the course of his 50-year career, Donald E. Westlake wrote more than 100 books, the vast majority of them crime fiction—most often seen from the point of view of the criminals. In 1993, the Mystery Writers of America gave him their highest honor, naming him Grand Master, largely on the strength of his two classic series: one featuring hard-boiled burglar Parker (played on screen by Lee Marvin, Robert Duvall, Mel Gibson, and Jason Statham, among others), the other portraying hapless heister John Dortmunder (who lucked out and got Robert Redford—go figure).

Along the way, Westlake wrote a fair amount of nonfiction, usually relating in some way to the crime genre. In October, the University of Chicago Press will publish a selection of that nonfiction in The Getaway Car: A Donald E. Westlake Nonfiction Miscellany. The piece below, an essay originally published in 1961 in the third issue of Ed McBain’s Mystery Book, is a selected history of the hows and whys of great prison breaks. As a writer, Westlake always enjoyed putting his characters into agonizingly difficult situations and seeing how they get out; that enthusiasm for an impossible puzzle animates this essay.

Alcatraz is probably the toughest and best-known prison in the United States, long considered an impregnable, escape-proof penitentiary. The entire imprisoned population there consists of hard cases transferred from less rugged federal penitentiaries. In the middle of San Francisco Bay, it is surrounded by treacherous currents and is almost always enveloped by thick fog and high winds. A high percentage of the prisoners sent there are men who have already escaped from one or more other prisons and penitentiaries. “Now you are at Alcatraz,” they are told. “Alcatraz is escape-proof. You can’t get away from here.”

It was a challenge, and sooner or later someone had to accept it. That someone was a felon named Ted Cole. Cole had already escaped once, from an Oklahoma prison, where he had been assigned duty in the prison laundry. That escape had been made by hiding in a laundry bag. But now Cole was on Alcatraz, and Alcatraz, he was told repeatedly, was escape-proof.

Cole’s work assignment was in the prison machine shop, which suited him perfectly. Through an involved code in his infrequent mail, he managed to line up outside assistance from friends in the San Francisco area. While waiting for things to be set up outside, he spent a cautious part of each workday on the machine-shop wall, on the other side of which was the rocky, surf-torn beach of the island.

The day finally came. Leaving right after a head count, so he would have an hour or two before his absence was noticed, Cole went through the machine-shop wall and dove into the water, swimming straight out from the island, the fog so thick around him he could barely see the movement of his own arms as he swam.

This, as far as he was concerned, was the only really dangerous part of the escape. If his friends couldn’t find him in the fog, he would simply swim until he drowned from exhaustion or was recaptured by a police patrol from the island.

Finally, a launch came out of the fog ahead, throttling down beside him, and Cole treaded water, staring anxiously, wondering whether this was escape or capture.

It was escape. His friends fished him out of the water, gave him blankets and brandy, and the launch veered away toward shore. Yet again, society’s challenge had been accepted, and another “escape-proof” prison had been conquered.

Accepting society’s challenge in his own antisocial way is second nature to the habitual criminal. The desire for freedom is strong in most men, and perhaps it is strongest in those who have, by the commission of crime, tried to free themselves from the restraint of society’s laws. The much harsher and much more complete restraint of a narrow prison cell and an ordered, repetitive existence within the prison walls, plus the challenge of being told that escape from this prison is impossible, increase this yearning for freedom to the point where no risk seems too great, if only there is the possibility of freedom. No matter what the builders of the prison have claimed, the imaginative and determined prisoner can always find somewhere, in a piece of wood or a rusty nail or the manner of the guards’ shift change, the slim possibility that just might end in freedom.

This yearning for freedom, of course, doesn’t always result in imaginative and ingenious escapes. At times, it prompts instead wholesale riots, with hostages taken and fierce demands expressed and the senseless destruction of both lives and property. Such outbreaks are dreaded by prison officials, but they never result in successful escapes. They are too noisy and too emotional. The successful escapee is silent, and he uses his wits rather than his emotions.

The prisoner who is carefully working out the details of an escape, in fact, dreads the idea of a riot as much as do the prison officials themselves.

The result of a riot is inevitably a complete search and shakedown of the entire prison. And this means the discovery of the potential escapee’s tunnel or hacksaw or dummy pistol or specially constructed packing case or rope ladder or forged credentials. And the escapee has to think of some other plan.

He always does. No matter how tight the control, how rigid the security, how frequent the inspections or “impregnable” the prison, the man who desires freedom above all other things always does think of something else.

Take John Carroll, perhaps the only man ever to break both out of and into prison. In the 20s, Carroll and his wife, Mabel, were known throughout the Midwest as the Millionaire Bandits. Eventually captured and convicted, John Carroll was sentenced to Leavenworth while Mabel was imprisoned at the women’s reformatory at Leeds.

At that time, in 1927, Leavenworth was still thought of as being nearly escape-proof, and the constant shakedowns and absolutely rigid daily schedule had Carroll stymied for a while. But not forever.

Carroll had been put to work in the machine shop, and he spent months studying the guards, realizing that he would be much more likely to escape if he could get one of them to collaborate with him.

He finally picked the shop foreman himself, a truculent, middle-aged, dissatisfied guard obviously unhappy in his work. Carroll waited in the machine shop one afternoon until everyone else had left and he was alone with the foreman. The foreman wanted to know what he was still doing here. Carroll, making the big leap all at once, said, “How would you like to make thirty-four thousand dollars?”

The foreman showed neither interest nor shock. Instead, he demanded, as though it were a challenge, “How do I do that?”

“I have sixty-eight thousand hidden on the outside,” Carroll told him. “Help me get out of here, and half of it is yours.”

The foreman shook his head and told Carroll to go on with the others. But the next day, when work was finished, he signaled to Carroll to stay behind again. This time, he wanted to know what Carroll’s plans were.

Carroll told him. A part of the work in this shop was devoted to building the packing cases in which the convict-made goods were shipped outside. Carroll and the foreman would construct a special case, and when Carroll felt the time was right, the foreman would help him ship himself out of prison and to the foreman’s apartment.

The foreman agreed, and they went to work. Carroll was a cautious man, and they worked slowly, nor did Carroll make his escape immediately after the special packing case was completed. Instead, he waited for just the right moment.

A note from his wife, delivered through the prison grapevine, forced Carroll to rush his plans. The note, which he received on February 28, 1927, read: “Your moll has t.b. bad. I’ll die if you don’t get me out. I’m in Dormitory D at Leeds.”

Carroll knew that his wife’s greatest terror was of dying in prison, of not dying a free woman. He left Leavenworth that same night, in the packing case. But the case was inadvertently put in the truck upside down, and Carroll spent over an hour in that position, and had fallen unconscious by the time the case was delivered to the foreman’s apartment.

Coming to, Carroll broke out of the case and discovered the apartment empty and the new clothes he had asked for waiting for him on a chair. He changed and left before the foreman got home, and the foreman never saw a penny of the $34,000.

Carroll went straight to Leeds. Posing as an engineer, he became friendly with one of the matrons from the prison, and eventually learned not only the location of Dormitory D within the wall but even the exact whereabouts of his wife’s cell.

It took him five months to get his plan completely worked out. Finally, shortly after dark the night of July 27, he drove up to the high outer wall of the prison in a secondhand car he’d recently bought. In the car were a ladder, a hacksaw, a length of rope, a bar of naphtha soap, and a can of cayenne paper.

Setting the ladder in place, Carroll climbed atop the wall and lay flat, so as not to offer any watchers a clear silhouette. He then shifted the ladder to the other side of the wall, climbed down into the prison yard, and moved quickly across to Dormitory D. He stood against the dormitory wall and whistled a shrill, high note, a signal he knew his wife would recognize. When she answered, from her barred third-story window, he tossed the rope to her. She caught it on the third try, tied one end inside the cell, and Carroll climbed up to the window.

Mabel then spoke the only words either of them said before the escape was complete. “I knew you’d come.”

Carroll handed the tools through to his wife, then, one-handed, tied the rope around his waist, so he’d have both hands free to work. Meanwhile, Mabel had rubbed the hacksaw with soap, to cut down the noise of sawing. They each held an end of the saw and cut through the bars one by one, with frequent rest stops for Carroll to ease the pressure of the rope around his waist.

It was nearly dawn before they had removed the last bar. Carroll helped his wife clamber through the window, and they slid down to the ground, where Carroll covered their trail to the outer wall with cayenne powder, to keep bloodhounds from catching their scent. They went up the ladder and over the wall and drove away.

Carroll was recaptured over a year later, and returned willingly enough to jail. His wife was dead, had been for five months. But she hadn’t died in prison.

Most escapees don’t remain on the outside for anywhere near as long as a year. The majority seem to use up all their ingenuity in the process of getting out, and none at all in the job of staying out. Such men have fantastic courage and daring in the planning and execution of one swiftly completed job, be it a murder or a bank robbery or a prison break, but seem totally incapable of giving the same thought and interest to the day-to-day job of living successfully within society.

Another escape from Leavenworth is a case in point. This escape involved five men, led by a felon named Murdock. Murdock, employed in the prison woodworking shop, was a skilled wood-carver and an observant and imaginative man. On smoke breaks in the prison yard, Murdock had noticed the routine of the main gate. There were two gates, and theoretically they were never open at the same time. When someone was leaving the prison, the inner gate was opened, and the outer gate wasn’t supposed to be opened until that inner gate was closed again. But the guards operating the gates had been employed in that job too long, with never a hint of an attempted escape. As a result, Murdock noticed that the button opening the outer gate was often pushed before the inner gate was completely closed, and that once the button was pushed, the gate had to open completely before it could be closed again.

This one fact, plus his wood-carving abilities, was the nucleus of Murdock’s escape plan. He discussed his plans with four other convicts, convinced them that it was workable, and they decided to go ahead with it. Murdock, working slowly and cautiously, managed to hide five small pieces of wood in the shop where he worked. Taking months over the job, he carved these pieces of wood into exact replicas of .38-caliber pistols, down to the safety catch and the trigger guard, then distributed them among his confederates.

The day and the time finally came. A delivery truck was leaving the prison while Murdock and the other four were with a group of prisoners on a smoke break in the yard. Murdock saw the outer gate opening before the inner gate was completely closed. He shouted out the prearranged word signal and ran for the gate, the other four with him. They squeezed through just before the inner gate closed all the way, and Murdock, brandishing his dummy pistol, warned the guards not to reopen it. The five dashed through the open outer gate and scattered.

This much planning and imagination they had given to the job of getting out. How much planning and imagination did they give to the job of staying out? Murdock himself, the ringleader, was the first one captured, less than 24 hours later. He was found, shivering and miserable, standing waist-deep in water in a culvert. A second was found the following morning, cowering in a barn, and numbers three and four were rounded up before the week was out.

The fifth? He was the exception. It took the authorities nearly 20 years to find him, and when they did, they discovered he had become the mayor of a small town in Canada. His record since his escape from Leavenworth was spotless, and so he was left to live out his new life in peace.

***

The courage and daring, the ingenuity and imagination, the skill and talent demonstrated in these and similar escapes, if used in the interests of society rather than directed against society, would undoubtedly make such men as these among society’s most valuable citizens. But the challenge is given these men, and they accept that challenge. They are not challenged to use their talents to benefit society, but to outwit society.

In fact, there seems to be a correlation between rigidity of control and attempts to escape. The tighter the control, the stronger and more secure and solid the prison, the more escape plans there will be, the more attempted escapes, and the more successful escapes.

The career of Jack Sheppard, probably the most famous despoiler of “escape-proof” prisons of all time, is a clear-cut demonstration of this. In one five-month period in 1724, Sheppard escaped from Newgate, England’s “impregnable” prison, no less than three times! The first time, he had help from inside the prison, which is probably the easiest and most common type of jailbreak. The second time, he had tools and assistance from outside, a little more difficult but obviously not impossible. The third time, without tools and absolutely unaided, he successfully completed one of the most daring and complex escapes in history.

Sheppard, born in 1701 and wanted as a highwayman and murderer before he was out of his teens, was first jailed in Newgate in May of 1724. When arrested, he had been with a girlfriend, Bess Lion, who was also wanted by the police. They swore they were married and so, in the manner of that perhaps freer day, they were locked together in the same cell. Bess had managed to smuggle a hacksaw in with her—history doesn’t record how—and as soon as the two were alone, they attacked the bars of the window. But it was a 25-foot drop to the prison yard, and the rope ladder they made of their blankets didn’t reach far enough. So Bess removed her clothes, which were added to the ladder, and they made their way down to the yard, nude girl first. Bess rolled her clothes into a bundle, and she and Sheppard climbed over a side gate which was no longer in use. Bess put her clothes back on, and the two of them walked away.

He was recaptured almost immediately, returned to Newgate, and this time held long enough to be tried for his crimes and sentenced to be hanged. The day before the scheduled hanging, he was brought, chained and manacled, to the visitors’ cell. His visitors were Bess and another girlfriend, Poll Maggott. While Bess “distracted” the guard—history is somewhat vague on this point, too—Poll and Sheppard sawed through the bars separating them, and Poll, described as a “large” woman, picked Sheppard up and carried him bodily out of the prison since the ankle chains made it difficult for him to walk.

That was July of 1724. Two months later, Sheppard was captured for the third time and once more found himself in Newgate. This time, the authorities were determined not to let him escape. He was allowed no visitors. After a whole kit of escape tools was found hidden in his cell, he was moved to a special room known as the Castle. This room was windowless, in the middle of the prison, and with a securely locked double door. There was no furniture, nothing but a single blanket. Sheppard’s wrists were manacled, and his ankles chained, with the ankle chain slipped through an iron bold embedded in the floor.

Sheppard, at this time, was 23 years of age. He was short, weak, sickly, suffering from both a venereal disease and too steady a diet of alcohol. His physical condition, plus the manacles and the placement of his cell, seemed to make escape absolutely impossible.

Sheppard waited until October 14, when the opening of Sessions Court was guaranteed to keep the prison staff too busy to be thinking about a prisoner as securely confined as himself. On that morning, he made his move.

First, he grasped in his teeth the chain linking the wrist manacles, squeezed and folded his hands to make them as small as possible, and finally succeeded in slipping them through the cuffs, removing some skin in the process. He then grabbed the ankle chain and with a single twisting jerk, managed to break the link holding him to the bolt in the floor.

He now had a tool, the one broken link. Wrapping the ankle chains around his legs to get them out of the way, he used the broken link to attack one wall, where a former fireplace had obviously been sealed up. He broke through to the fireplace, only to discover an iron bar, a yard long and an inch square, bisecting the flue a few feet up, making a space too small for him to slip by.

Undaunted, he made a second hole in the wall, at the point where he estimated the bar to be, found it and freed it, and now had two tools as well as an escape hatch. He crawled up the flue to the floor above, broke through another wall, and emerged into an empty cell. Finding a rusty nail on the floor—for tool number three—he picked the door lock with it, and found himself in a corridor. At the end of the corridor he came to a door bolted and hinged on the other side. He made a small hole in the wall beside the door, reached through and released the lock.

The third door, leading to the prisoners’ pen in the chapel, he popped open with the iron bar. The fourth door got the same treatment, and now he came to a flight of stairs leading upward. He knew his only chance for escape lay in reaching the roof.

This sixth door was fastened with a foot-wide iron-plated bar, attached to door and frame by thick iron hoops, plus a large iron bolt lock, plus a padlock, and the whole affair was crisscrossed with iron bars bolted to the oak on either side of the door.

Sheppard had now been four hours in the escape. He was exhausted, his hands were bleeding, the weight of the leg shackles was draining his energy, and the door in front of him was obviously impassable. Nevertheless, Sheppard went to work on it, succeeding at first only in bending the iron bar he was using for a tool.

It took him two hours, but he finally managed to rip the crossed bars down and snap the bolt lock, making it possible to remove the main bar, and he stepped out onto the prison roof.

So far, the escape had taken six hours. It was now almost sundown. Sheppard crossed the roof and saw the roof of a private house next door, 20 feet below him. He was afraid to risk the jump, not wanting to get this far only to lie down there with a broken ankle and wait for the prison officials to come drag him back. So, regretfully, he turned around, recrossed the roof, went down the stairs and through the chapel, back down the corridor and into the cell above the Castle, down the fireplace flue and back into his cell, which was ankle deep in stone and plaster from the crumbled wall. He picked up his blanket, retraced his steps again, and went back to the roof. He had forgotten tool number four, and so he had simply gone back for it!

Atop the prison again, Sheppard ripped the blanket into strips, made a rope ladder, and lowered himself to the roof of the house next door. He waited there until he was sure the occupants had gone to sleep for the night, then he crept down through the house and out to freedom.

In the ordinary manner of escapees, however, Sheppard could never learn to devote as much energy to staying out as to getting out. He spent the first four days hidden in a cowshed, until finally someone came along who would bring him a hacksaw and help him shed the ankle chains. He then went straight home, where he and his mother celebrated his escape by getting drunk together on brandy. They were still drunk when the authorities showed up, and this time Sheppard stayed in Newgate long enough to meet the hangman.

***

Here is the core of the problem. The tougher the prison officials made their prison—the more they challenged Sheppard and told him that this time he couldn’t escape—the more determined and daring and ingenious Sheppard became.

This misdirected genius was never more evident than in the ten-man escape from Walla Walla State Penitentiary in Washington State in 1955. Their escape route was a tunnel under the main wall, but one tunnel wasn’t enough for them. They also had tunnel routes between their cells, so they could communicate and pass materials and information back and forth. When they were recaptured—which, in the traditional manner, didn’t take very long at all—the full extent of their ingenuity and daring was discovered. Each of the ten carried a brief case containing a forged draft card, business cards, a driver’s license, birth certificate, and even credit cards and charge-account cards for stores in Seattle. Beyond all this, they all carried identification cards claiming them as officials of the Washington State prison system, and letters of recommendation from state officials, including the warden of the Walla Walla State Penitentiary. And four of the escapees carried forged state paychecks, in amounts totaling over a thousand dollars. Every bit of the work involved had been done in the prison shops.

Compare this with the record of a jail such as the so-called “model prison” at Chino, California. Escaping from Chino is almost incredibly easy. There is a fence, but no wall, and the fence would be no barrier to a man intent on getting away. The guards are few, the locks fewer, much of the prisoners’ work is done outdoors, and the surrounding area is mostly wooded hills. For a man determined to escape, Chino would offer no challenge at all.

And yet, Chino has had practically no escapes at all!

Perhaps the lack of challenge is itself the reason why there are so few escapes from Chino. The cage in which the prisoner must live is not an obvious cage at Chino. He is restricted, but the restrictions are subtle, and he is not surrounded by stone and iron reminders of his shackled condition. At tougher, more security-conscious prisons, the challenge is flung in the convict’s face. “You cannot escape from here!” Inevitably there are those who accept the challenge.

The challenge at Chino—and at other prisons constructed from much the same philosophy—is far different. “You should not escape from here! And when you know why society demands that you stay here, you won’t need to escape. You will be released.”

Both challenges demand of the prisoner that he think, that he use his mind, his wit and his imagination. But whereas the one challenge encourages him to think along lines that will drive him yet further from society, the other challenge encourages him to think along lines that will adjust him to society.

No matter which challenge it is, there will always be men to accept it, as the warden of Walla Walla State Penitentiary—from which the ten convicts escaped with their forged-card-bulging brief cases—inadvertently proved, back in 1952. He gave the prisoners a special dinner one day in that year, in honor of the fact that a full year had gone by without the digging of a single tunnel. Three days later, during a normal shakedown, guards found a tunnel 100 feet long.

Ryan McGinley's 'Yearbook' Show Shut Down an Entire City Block

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A week ago, on a balmy Sunday evening in downtown Manhattan, a photography show shut down an entire city block. It was the New York edition of Ryan McGinley's Yearbook installation at Team Gallery, where vivid and hedonistic portraits of beautiful youngsters have been wallpapered to every surface in the gallery. I saw a similar exhibition of McGinley's Yearbook pictures in San Francisco last fall, but this new show takes the installation to an even more elaborate and all-encompassing level, coating every surface of the gallery in glossy, chromatic youth-beauty, so that not an inch of white wall remains. The photos, shot over the last 5 years in McGinley's Chinatown studio, picture sweethearts of the downtown art scene, and everyone looks like they're having fun. The air is getting colder, so back-to-school vibes are strong, and this seems like the perfect time to be looking at a photo series called Yearbook. VICE asked Ryan a few questions to find out more. 
 
VICE: How many photos are in the exhibition?
Ryan McGinley: The show has over 700 photographs stuck on the walls. Most people have two different photos from their studio shoot. 
 
How many years did it take you to shoot all the portraits for Yearbook?
The project has taken five years. I’ve shot people's portraits every month for it in my Chinatown studio in NYC since 2009. 
 
Where did the idea to totally cover the gallery walls come from?
I’ve always loved how street advertisements in NYC are wheat-pasted on top of each other. I talked with a guy late one night who was doing it, and he explained the process to me. 
 
Who are the people in the photographs?
Everyone I shoot is part of downtown's creative community—painters, musicians, dancers, writers, sculptors, photographers. Those are the people who understand what I do and are excited to pose nude for me. 
 
What’s a typical studio shoot like?
I really love to have people lie on the floor and slowly move around; there is something so intimate about being on the ground together. Then we pick up the pace, and the model gets to choose three songs they love to jam out to and we dance. Sometimes we break out the mini trampoline and jump around in circles on it. I’ve also got a treadmill that we’ve cut the guardrails off of, and people run on that. I love collecting old beat -p chairs that get thrown out from the streets of Chinatown. I’ve got a collection of them that models sit on; they’ve got character. 
 
Quite a lot of people have tattoos. Do you have a favorite one?
This Swedish guy Charlie has a stick and poke above his pubic hair that says “You ARE NO: 1” which also can be read as “YOU ARE NO ONE” I think it’s funny that if someone were hooking up with him they’d have to contend with that thought. 
 
How long did the show take to install?
It took us ten days inside Team Gallery with eight installers sticking up pictures each day. We had three scaffoldings going at once. Doing the ceiling was the hardest part. It felt a bit like the Sistine Chapel. 
 
How was the opening for you?
I was happy we didn’t get shut down by the cops like last time. This time we got permission from the city to shut down the street, and it was approached in a more orderly fashion. We had 3,000 people come over three hours, and everyone was able to come into the gallery and see the show. I was really happy. It was fun to watch models try to find their photos and see their reactions. 
 
Ryan McGinley's Yearbook will remain on view at Team Gallery through October 12, 2014.
 

Here Are the Best Films We Saw at TIFF

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A promotional still from 'The Look of Silence.' Image via TIFF.
The Toronto International Film Festival is a lot of things. If you’re a starfucking photographer, this is where you can meet all of the A-List celebrities you can possibly stalk. If you’re a regular person with a healthy love of film, however, it provides an awesome experience to cram your brain with all of the cinema that will be sparking conversations and making headlines over the next 12 months. We soaked in as much TIFF as we possibly could, so we decided we’d share our favourite films with you wonderful people, in case you’d like to trust our awesome taste in stuff.

The Look of Silence

Joshua Oppenheimer’s The Look of Silence is a companion piece to 2013’s The Act of Killing; a horrifying documentary about the Indonesian genocide, which wiped out one million communists, Chinese immigrants, political dissidents, and intellectuals between 1965-1966.

In Oppenheimer’s first doc on the subject, the Danish filmmaker travels to Indonesia to meet the military perpetrators of the genocide, who are still in power. In The Look of Silence, Joshua accompanies Adi, an Indonesian man whose older brother was brutally murdered in the cleansing, to meet some of the perpetrators himself, and ask them extremely personal and heart-shattering questions that evoke an emotional range of discomfort, embarrassment, anger, and shaky boastfulness in his murderous subjects.

Both The Look of SIlence and The Act of Killing are incredibly well-crafted documentaries that are as difficult to watch as they are expertly done. For the TIFF premiere of The Look of Silence, Joshua arrived with Adi, who was only able to make it through one of the Q&A questions before he had a breakdown. Having to go through the experience of confronting your brother’s killers, on camera, then travel around the world showcasing your work to strangers, when you cannot even speak English, must be an unspeakably traumatizing process.

When I asked Joshua Oppenheimer about Adi (after Joshua mentioned he himself could never return to Indonesia safely after releasing The Look of Silence), to find out whether or not Adi can safely live in Indonesia, Oppenheimer explained that he helped facilitate for Adi’s family to move to another Indonesian community, thousands of kilometres away from his home, to a community of human rights activists and filmmakers. Oppenehimer explained that on certain shoots, they would have two getaway cars waiting, and that Adi would rarely carry identification in case they were threatened, hurt, or detained.

Oppenheimer’s documentary-diptych about genocide in Indonesia is so much more than a couple of films. It will hopefully enact a renewed, progressive discussion about state violence in Indonesia; and national media there has already begun to react. And, as far as Adi goes, hopefully his trauma will help to fuel a reawakening in himself and for Indonesia at large, given the seeming indifference or ignorance that’s been upheld for a mass murder, which occurred in very recent history.




Mommy

In Mommy, Xavier Dolan uses the charmingly tacky, suburban style of Quebec to create an immersive and stunning world made up of karaoke bars, mental institutions, burger spots, and taxi cabs. The majority of the film is shot in a 1:1 ratio, as if it were filmed vertically on a smartphone, which gives the already emotionally intense storyline an even more constrained, and muted feel.

Mommy chronicles the life of Diane (or ‘Die,’ played by Anne Dorval) and her developmentally disabled son Steve (Antoine-Oliver Pilon), in a fictional version of Canada where new laws allow parents with kids like Steve, to hand them over to the public hospital system, without any type of prohibitive legal process. This option (of trading Steve in) hangs over Die’s head throughout the film, as Steve gets crazier and crazier, and wrecks more and more havoc.

Their tumultuous relationship is relieved by Kyla, played by Suzanne Clement, a woman who lives across the street that battles with a severe speech impediment. Kyle slides into Die and Steve’s life, seemingly by accident, as she tries to help soften the ever-present tension caused by Steve’s erratic behaviour.

At 25, Xavier Dolan is already a cinematic wunderkind who has an unfair amount of talent for his age. Mommy is emotionally affecting, darkly funny, and deeply uncomfortable at times. It stays with you long after the credits roll, largely because of the incredible performances of Dorval, Pilon, and Clement. It’s a must-watch, and it’s even better that Xavier is Canadian because, hey, the more homegrown talent the better. Amiright?

Rosewater

Jon Stewart’s directorial debut is based on the memoir of Maziar Bahari, an Iranian journalist who was imprisoned during the last Iranian election. His detainment was partially due to Maziar’s appearance on The Daily Show, where one of Stewart’s correspondents joked about Maziar being a spy and a terrorist. That appearance, apparently, was taken literally by the Iranian government, who aggressively and stubbornly accused Bahari of being a spy. Bahari was detained and tortured for months, and once Jon Stewart caught wind of all this, along with his tangential role in prolonging Bahari’s imprisonment, he took time off from The Daily Show to direct Rosewater.

Rosewater is a very good film, and despite a few cringey directorial choices (at point Tehran is covered in hashtags, as the camera cuts to an aerial shot, where the entire city turns into a word cloud), Stewart does Maziar’s story justice. It’s not surprising, too, given that Maziar was on set ensuring the story was told accurately. At one point in the TIFF Q&A, Stewart quipped that he felt like the world’s biggest asshole when he would turn to Maziar and ask if movie-Maziar (played by Gael García Bernal) was being tortured accurately.

The film calls attention to the very real problem of journalists being persecuted worldwide. With the recent beheadings of Steven Sotloff and James Foley at the hands of ISIS, the imprisonment of Al-Jazeera correspondents in Egypt, and many other examples of reporters facing the wrath of oppressive legal systems in 2014, Rosewater is coming out at a good time. So, hopefully it won’t be Jon Stewart’s last shot behind the camera.

 



Haemoo

Despite not being directed by Chan-Wook Park, Haemoo is basically Oldboy on a boat. Sung Bo Shim’s film puts you on the deck of the Junjin, an ailing fishing boat with a busted radiator and a classic, ragtag crew of misfits. Its captain, Kang (Kim Yoon-seok), takes on a dangerous mission to smuggle Chinese-Koreans out of China and into Korea; so the team can earn enough money to keep the boat, uh, afloat. In typical Korean cinema fashion, things get really fucking dark, really fucking quickly.

Without spoiling anything, things start going haywire very early on, and they don’t cease to spin further and further out of control until the film runs its course. If you like dark, survivalist narratives where people turn on each other, expose their inner caveman, and fight their way through the sea fog (that’s what Haemoo means) then you’re in for a depressing treat with Haemoo.

Image via TIFF.
Top Five

Chris Rock’s latest directorial endeavour is pure entertainment gold. Not only is Top Five littered with extraordinary cameos, the likes of which we won’t spoil for you here, but it’s co-produced by Kanye West and Jay Z. Their contribution is unclear, but given that the instrumental for “Black Guys in Paris” plays throughout the film, they may have just received a credit in exchange for free music licensing.

The “Throne’s” contribution aside, Top Five is an accomplished comedy that tells the story of a comedian named Andre, played by Chris Rock, who has become famous for an inane, but hilarious, trilogy of films called Hammy the Cop—about a crime-fighting grizzly bear. In an attempt to be taken more seriously, he takes on the role of a Haitian slave-revolutionary, in a film that tanks at the box office.

In the midst of this artistic crisis, he agrees to allow a New York Times reporter, played by Rosario Dawson, to follow him around. All the while he is supposed to go through with a wedding, on reality TV, to his reality TV starlet fiancee Erica Long (Gabrielle Union). Reporter Rosario’s questioning conveniently serves as a smooth narrative device to let the viewer in on Andre’s booze-fueled, prostitute-laden past life. As a recovering alcoholic searching for some kind of creative renaissance, these flashbacks provide a perfect release from Andre’s struggle with credibility.

Beyond the amazing surprise cameos, Top Five’s supporting cast is stellar. JB Smoove (Leon from Curb) plays Andre’s right-hand man, and he kills it. Tracy Morgan kills it. If you like movies that are actually fun to watch, then go see Top Five when it comes out in theaters. Hollywood has high expectations for it, too: It was bought by Paramount for a whooping $12.5 million.

Big Game

Do you want to see Samuel L. Jackson play the President of the United States? If so, you really don’t need to read more of this review, you just need to see Big Game. Directed by Finnish filmmaker Jalmari Helander, it’s not clear how funny Big Game is actually intended to be, but watching it is a fucking riot.

As President Jackson’s plane is shot down by crazy terrorists who want the President kept alive, so they can hunt him in a forest in Northern Finland, the Prez’s only hope is a 13-year old Finnish boy who gets to Jackson first. The boy (Onni Tommila)is on his first solo-hunting trip to bag a dead animal, to prove to his village he’s a man. Sam Jackson plays an Obama-type President--physically unintimidating, scholarly, not a woodsman--so his only hope is this woefully untrained 13-year old who helps him evade the crosshairs of the terrorists who want to hunt, kill, and stuff him in the Finnish woods.

Big Game has tons of ridiculous double-crosses, explosions, Finnish landscapes, and Sam Jackson quotables. So what more do you want? Emotional complexity? Get outta here.




A behind-the-scenes feature on Gabe Polsky's process behind making "The Red Army."
The Red Army

With Russia’s recent flexing of military might in the Ukraine and the PR bungle that was #SochiProblems, Gabe Polsky’s documentary Red Army probably couldn’t have come out at a better time.

Life in Russia has always been somewhat of a mystery to the West, and the lens through which Polsky examines the Russian mindset is one that will undoubtedly interest most Canadians: hockey. Red Army is a fascinating look back at the Soviet-era hockey team that dominated the sport for almost half a decade until the 1980s. Seemingly invincible, at the height of their reign the Russian national team were not just a sports team, but also political ambassadors of communism’s superiority: proof that their way—working as a collective whole—was the best. But, as we learn throughout the film, behind the scenes the story was far more complicated and nuanced.

Wonderfully shot and edited, the film is comprised of recent interviews with some of the key players from the historic team—driven by defenseman and team captain Viacheslav Fetisov—as well as archival footage culled from the exhaustive Russian film archives. Each player candidly reveals their struggles through the Soviet system and their difficult transition into the NHL.

But while characters like Fetisov are engaging enough to help drive the film, it’s the richness and depth of the archival footage that really helps shed light on what life was like behind the Iron Curtain. The results are at once both surprising, entertaining, and emotional.

Growing up the child of Russian immigrants, and in love with hockey from an early age, Polsky—who played the sport for Yale—offers up an at once intimate and entertaining film that is as much about the Russian soul as it is about sports. 

Honourable mentions—films that we wanted to see, and didn’t, but heard were awesome anyway: Nightcrawler, A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting Existence, A Second Chance, and The Tribe.

The VICE Report: Europe's Most Notorious Jewel Thieves - Full Length

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Everyone thought the Pink Panther gang would vanish—especially after the 2012 arrest of one of its leaders. Instead, the jewel thieves have started training new recruits as a way to take revenge on a world they feel has robbed them blind.

The group, hailing from former Yugoslavia, has stolen more than $350 million worth of jewelry in the past 15 years from the world's most exclusive jewelers, according to Interpol. Now, VICE takes you inside the Pink Panthers' secret world to learn their history and see how the jewel thieves train new recruits.


I Played Chess with GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan

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All photos by Peter Larson

There are few certainties in life, but Wu-Tang Clan being the best rap group to ever exist is one of them. The sheer breadth of influence they’ve had, as well as the remarkable achievements of each individual member—RZA, GZA, Method Man, Raekwon, Ghostface Killah, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard, to name a few—has carved out for them a very special place in music history.

As any fan knows, Wu-Tang is a universe unto itself. Their seemingly idiosyncratic influences—the Five Percent Nation, kung fu, vegetarianism, etc.—have given them a distinct style (one might even say philosophy). One of those influences is the ancient game of chess. Even on their debut album, Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers, they had the song “Da Mystery of Chessboxin',” the first of many to express their passion for comparing chess to life.

The oldest member in the group, and its “spiritual head,” is GZA. GZA was the first Wu-Tang member to sign with a record label, doing so in 1988 under the name of “the Genius.” The name isn’t for naught—GZA is an intellectual powerhouse. In his free time, he chills with physicists from MIT, gives lectures on the universe at McGill, and promotes Science Genius, a partnership with (Rap) Genius to teach kids science. He’s also one of the best chess players in the Clan.

GZA’s love for the game is well-documented. In 2005, he released an entire album dedicated to the game, Grandmasters. Every song had a chess-themed title: “Advanced Pawns,” “Illusory Protection,” and “Queen’s Gambit.” But GZA, like a true samurai, keeps his skills hidden from the public—no video of him exists playing chess, and he prefers to only play with other members of the Clan.

My personal chess odyssey began on April 23, when I received a set as a birthday gift. I had become interested in “the game of kings” after seeing it in one of my favorite movies, the great Jamaican gangster classic Shottas. In one scene, the two main gangsters play a game of chess while drinking and smoking. “Not a talking game, it’s a killing game,” one of them says, right before receiving a phone call informing him that his brother “Blacka” has been murdered by the police.

The game came easily to me, and pretty soon I was beating everyone I played. Everything, from my breakup with my ex-girlfriend to my attempts to find a new one, could be simplified down to a series of chess moves.

After I was just starting to get pretty good at the game, I heard GZA was coming to Cleveland at the end of August to headline the Lakewood Music Festival. As a rap nerd and a burgeoning grandmaster, how could I pass up an opportunity to play God Zig-Zag-Zig Allah in a game? I knew it would be difficult to get a game with the rapper, but like chess, everything in life is simply a series of moves. I just had to make the right ones.

Chess is won by checkmate, when the king has physically nowhere left to go. I had to trap GZA, who was the King in this game. But there stood a firm blockade of knights and bishops—his press agent and manager—around him. I had a powerful piece of my own, though. I had a queen—Kelly Flamos, the organizer of the Lakewood Music Festival. She was in my corner from the beginning.

I played creatively. The press agent didn’t answer an email, and I relayed to the manager that it was still happening. That’s a chess move right there—playing the pieces against each other. Kelly, my queen, would also swoop in every once in a while, clearing the way for me to advance.

Eventually, GZA’s camp agreed to the match. But they had their own terms—we would do it at the Intercontinental Hotel in Cleveland, where GZA was staying. Additionally, as a favor to Kelly, I would have to pick up GZA from the airport and drive him to the hotel. After the chess match, I'd drive him straight to the music festival. Of course, I agreed. It was on.

To prepare for my opponent, I went to the Lakewood Public Library and borrowed almost every chess book they had. I stuck to a strict regimen of daily chess drills. GZA’s chess games have never been documented, so I studied his albums, Grandmasters and Liquid Swords, in hopes I might learn his strategy from his music. I also trained physically: I swam 60 laps a day so my body wouldn’t give out during the match. I lifted weights so my hands wouldn’t be crushed when they shook GZA’s.

Wu-Tang is shrouded in spirituality and mythology, so I knew that to have a chance, I would have to get on GZA’s spiritual level. I refrained from eating most meat, as GZA does. I meditated and prayed on most days. And the day before the match, I fasted, only drinking liquids, to purge my spirit and cleanse my body. That night, I sat and meditated by Lake Erie, staring out at the blackness of the water. My stomach grumbled and my heart rose. I was ready.

The sun set and rose on Lake Erie, and it was morning. My car—a 10-year-old Toyota Highlander—was too dirty to pick up GZA, so I swung by my parents’ house to borrow my mom’s tiny Prius. My mother, a small Taiwanese woman, stood at the door and waved me goodbye. She stayed there until I had completely disappeared from view.

I drove to the airport and stood at the bottom of the baggage-claim escalator with my homemade “GZA” sign. Eventually, GZA and his manager Kay, who I later found out was Raekwon’s brother, came down and found me.

GZA is 48, but he’s aged well. He still gets recognized in the airport, and he would acknowledge everyone who shouted “Wu-Tang!” His voice was rough but comfortable. He seemed always on the verge of a grin. His outfit was normal from afar—sneakers, jeans, a jacket—but up close, I noticed he was all Gucci’d out. I also noticed his backpack had a luxurious grey checkerboard design.

The rap star and his manager piled into the back of my mom’s Prius, and we took off toward Cleveland. When we got to the hotel, GZA ordered a drink, I set up the board, and we both sat down. Two friends of mine came to watch. GZA’s manager stood with his arms crossed.

I looked at GZA. He sat upright, hands on each knee, looking into my eyes. A smile danced on the corners of his lips. “You ready?” he said.

I nodded and made my first move: moving my king’s pawn out two squares. GZA responded by moving his queen’s pawn, and the skirmish had begun.

For a while, the only sounds were of the wooden pieces moving, shifting. Occasionally a pause to concentrate. “Oh, so you’re trying to shoot off my pinky toe?” he would say, and then quickly make his move, countering whatever I was doing. But the game was pretty even by the time we got to the middlegame. The center was up for grabs; no one had a material advantage. I began to feel it: My training was paying off.

All of a sudden, I spied an easy checkmate. If I moved my queen to the seventh rank, I could checkmate GZA in two moves. Time slowed down. I became conscious of how fast my heart was beating. I looked at GZA. He was studying the board. Could it be? I moved my queen.

Boom. He took the queen off the board and replaced it with one of his knights. I hadn’t seen the knight protecting that space. I had blundered, bad. The spectators gasped. A rookie mistake. I threw up my hands. GZA sat back. “Whole different game now, isn’t it?” he said, and chuckled.

I held on for a couple minutes after that, but it was over. A player of his caliber doesn’t have a material advantage like that and blow it. He didn’t checkmate me—I was able to evade for him a while—and we just agreed to just play again. He had beaten me, fair and square.

The second game, things got much friendlier. GZA started to reminisce about old Wu-Tang stories.

“I could play this for hours, man, all day,” he said. “I played 78 games one time with Masta Killah. We played—I think it might have taken us like 12 hours. All night. Smoking, drinking. Took a nap for about two hours, got back to it.”

GZA also had stories from the East Asian mythology Wu-Tang is famous for. “Have you ever heard the story of how an Indian king was introduced to the game of chess?” He said. “The king offered the guy who showed him the game anything he wanted. And the guy only asked for grains of wheat, but he wanted one grain for each square on the board, except doubled each time. So it’d go 1, 2, 4 grains of wheat for all 64 squares. And when the mathematicians came together, they realized that that amount of wheat would stretch around the Earth three, four times.

“It just goes to show you the depth of the game,” he marveled. “Because when I read it, I thought he was stupid. And then I started going over it in my mind. And by the time I got to the fourth row of the board, I was in the billions already. That’s as deep as the universe, right?”

At the end of the match, we shook hands. “It was a pleasure,” he said. “Next time.” 

After the match, I dropped off GZA and his manager at the Lakewood Music Festival. Though the interview and match went well, I was depressed—I hate losing. I was like a rookie in the NBA playoffs who had just gotten eliminated in the first round. The playoffs are cool, but I wanted to win.

I came home and saw the book 55 Steps to Being a Grandmaster still lying on my dresser. It was the only book I had taken out from the library that I hadn’t finished. With the sounds of the music festival drifting in from somewhere out in the distance, I sat on my bed, opened the book up, and began to read.

Follow Zach on Twitter.

Getting Drunk Off A Humidifier Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be

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Recently, I was watching a Simpsons marathon when I came across the season 22 episode "Homer the Father." In the episode, Homer fills a humidifier with vodka and falls asleep in a cloud of alcoholic vapor, while Bart steals nuclear secrets for the Chinese. "Hey," I said to myself, “That seems pretty nice. Could it actually work?” (The humidifier part, not the stealing nuclear weapons part.)

Last year, a couple of my friends at VICE tried to smoke alcohol, with funny, albeit overly complicated and unsatisfying results. My theory was that a humidifier would do all the necessary grunt work instead of making a couple of comedians with a bicycle pump soberly exhaust themselves. It wouldn’t be as funny, but I might be able to chillax and kick back, while bathed in soft, wet vodka fog. So I turned to the internet, a.k.a. the most comprehensive collection of quality drug advice. I found that I was certainly not the first to ask the question, “Can you get drunk by putting alcohol in a humidifier?” In fact, a decade ago, the first “alcohol vaporizing/nebulizing” machines were introduced into the United States by way of English inventor Dominic Simler and his Alcohol WithOut Liquid machine (AWOL). Ostensibly, it worked by running oxygen bubbles through alcohol to create an alcoholic mist to be imbibed, although one enraged YouTube user said he’d been scammed, claiming the device was just a repackaged nebulizer for pulmonary disease.

In a promotional video for the device found on the official AWOL website, one of the users/actors states: “In ten years’ time, I can see everybody doing this.” Unfortunately for Dominic and his alcho-vapor, the machine was banned in 17 states within two years, although imitation products still pop up occasionally. Today, the inventor works in “broking dax options,” whatever the fuck that is, and has been at it since 2007, so I assume that the whole "inhaling alcohol" venture didn't pan out. Maybe because he was charging between $299 and $2,500 for the devices. I mean, look at how ridiculous that machine is. Until he turned it on, I honestly thought it was the boombox playing that weird early-2000s club-jamz soundtrack going on in the background. 

Then I found a gastronomy project from 2009 in London, called Alcoholic Architecture, which was supposed to be an “air-bar,” pumping one part gin and three parts tonic vapor through massive humidifiers in the walls. But the consensus was that it only got patrons a little heady, and they had to wear what was basically a hazmat suit to enter. Plus the project only ran for ten days. The creators seemed more interested in food stunting than getting drunk. But the fact that nobody died, and they were somehow able to get permits for this, was a pretty good indicator that it was somewhat safe when done correctly.

The day before the experiment, I candidly asked my doctor what he thought would happen. After calling the idea “stupid” and “something you’d see on that TV show that used to be on, that’s now made three movies,” he told me that alcohol was a poison and a cardiac suppressant, and said I should look up any incidences of death from inhalation of alcohol. As any good doctor, he told me not to do it, but later forwarded me a study about alcohol inhalation, which says that rats who are given vaped alcohol quickly become little rat alcoholics, to which he added, “If the rats like it, humans will love it.”

The only warning I really heeded was that of a possible fire, since I live with roommates and can’t afford being kicked out of my apartment. I didn’t want to combine any heating elements with my liquor. Luckily, the drugstore near me carried a small, ultrasonic humidifier that worked by using a metal diaphragm vibrating at an ultrasonic frequency to produce a fine mist, same as the giant machines powering Alcoholic Architecture. I also picked up a breathalyzer and a 500 ml bottle of cheap vodka. If I wasn’t going to be tasting it anyway, why bother with the good stuff?

Back at home, I set up the machine and discovered that I’d need to attach the bottle of vodka to the machine itself, but the adaptor didn’t fit into the bottle. Luckily, my dad was an engineer, so after a quick, nonspecific call home for advice, I rigged up a connector out of an old water bottle and duct tape and started up the machine. At first, nothing came out of the nozzle, and I wondered if I’d broken the damn thing. I looked at the front; the little light shone green. I popped off the top and the vodka bubbled over the sides, but no vapor. Alcohol must be heavier than water, I guessed, so I added a couple capfuls of water to the tank. After a few seconds, liquid vapors began to gently leak out of the nozzle. It was rank.

I breathed in deep to catch as much as I could, and exhaled. Terrible. I had to take a clean breath to stop from gagging, and ended up alternating breaths so I could actually take in the poisonous stream. For what it was worth, this $29.99 store brand humidifier was pumping out a clean stream of distinctly acrid, rubbing alcohol-smelling, watered-down vodka vapor. It reminded me of taking a shot I wasn’t ready for. This was definitely going to take a minute to get used to. For science.

After about five minutes, I took a break. I definitely felt slightly buzzed, and had a sort of lightheadedness, so I went for the breathalyzer. It read 0.12. “That’s ridiculous,” my roommate and photographer said. “Are you okay?” I tried again: 0.11. There was no way I was that drunk, it had only been a few minutes and, hell, my speech wasn’t even slurred. Could it be my Ukrainian roots? I rifled through the booklet to see if I could calibrate the device, and saw that they recommended waiting 20 minutes before testing yourself, to make sure the alcohol was absorbed. Then I realized that I was literally breathing alcoholic vapor into a breathalyzer; so of fucking course it was going to read some crazy high number. I might as well have put the breathalyzer up to the humidifier nozzle. Though, if I was being that illogical, maybe I was drunk. I waited 20 minutes and tried again. The screen read 0.00, but by then the buzz had already faded.

It occurred to me that when you drink alcohol, it sits in your stomach, slowly being absorbed, whereas a vapor leaves you just as quickly as it comes in. I’d have to get smashed and see how long that took, and how long it stuck around. I still had half of the bottle left, with most of the other half in the machine’s tank. This could take a while. I put on some TV and went to work letting the waves wash over my mouth and nose, breathing deeply. The inhalation became easier as time went on, but every so often I had to wipe off my wet mustache and blow my nose. Besides that, every three minutes or so, the flow would peter out and stop, and I had to shake the device to get it working, spilling vodka all over the table. Occasionally, I added water when the flow would weaken. I finally found that a one-to-three ratio of water to vodka was giving me the best results.

After 20 minutes of deep breathing, I was definitely out of it. Not hammered, but surely unable to drive or deal with children. I had a headache and my eyes stung a bit. I turned off the machine and went outside to wait on the breathalyzer, but just for fun hit it in advance. I blew a 0.14. I remember reading a Tucker Max story where he got himself a breathalyzer and challenged people to drinking contests, getting really excited because he hit some ridiculous numbers immediately after taking a bunch of shots. No shit, dude. RTFM. 

I sat on the patio and felt my drunkenness fade away. Within a few minutes, I was already back to a relatively sober state from not constantly inhaling vodka. After ten minutes I blew a 0.03. After 20 I was back to 0.01. The headache lessened but persisted, and I didn’t feel totally sober; more sleepy than drunk. I realized that a breathalyzer was probably the worst way to gauge drunkenness after inhaling alcohol. I decided to give it one more shot, and went inside.

This time, around the seven minute mark, I had a headache and my face felt disgustingly heavy. I laid back and let the humidifier keep blowing in my face, no longer interested in taking deep, heavy breaths. I rested my stinging eyes for a second, and fell asleep. I woke up to my roommate yelling from the other room asking if I was dead yet. I didn’t notice he’d ever left the room. After a total of 15 minutes, I didn’t feel very good. I blew into the breathalyzer: 0.09. My entire living room smelled like a shitty dad. Enough was enough.

While I aired out the apartment, I took a hot shower to clear my lungs of liquor. After about a half-hour I felt pretty close to sober, though still pretty sleepy. I blew a 0.02, and by the end of the next hour my BAC had dropped back to zero. The rest of the day I just felt slightly hungover. We drank the rest of the bottle that night, and found the experience more enjoyable and less time consuming.

Getting drunk off a humidifier is a really boring, shitty way to get drunk. On the plus side, it’s crazy cheap to pick up one of these ultrasonic machines, and after some kludging and cutting with water, you can get nicely drunk in a ridiculously short amount of time. It appears that the absorption rates by inhalation are much higher than via the stomach, kind of like how smoking weed is way more effective than eating an edible, and lasts less time. The downside is that smoking weed cannot kill you, whereas vaping straight alcohol can absolutely kill you, and pretty quickly at that. Honestly, I don’t want to be responsible for the first humidifier alcohol death, so I would keep it at five to ten minutes at a time, if that.

All in all, this is a pretty good way to get a quick, shitty buzz, but a terrible way to get, and stay drunk. Don’t die.

Follow Jules Suzdaltsev on Twitter.

Meet The Artist Turning Warped Renaissance Art GIFs Into An Augmented Reality Book

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Meet The Artist Turning Warped Renaissance Art GIFs Into An Augmented Reality Book

Meet the Nieratkos: John Reeves: Not the New H-Street Interview

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Photo by Daniel Harold Sturt

It’s not uncommon for people to be nostalgic about the faded memories of their youths. For skateboarders from the early 90s, this is especially true. At that time skating served as a membership card to a secret society. The sport was in a strange and wonderful place; the balloon of its 80s popularity had burst, street skating was in its infancy, and the community was the smallest it had been since skating's inception. It was suddenly as if no one, anywhere, skateboarded. It wasn’t on television, skaters were still called “fags” by their classmates, and “professional skaters” were barely surviving. Street League’s millionaire owner, Rob Dyrdek, was receiving $3 royalty checks, and the face of our world, Tony Hawk, had to sell his Toyota Corolla just to start his fledgling brand, Birdhouse.  

It was a glorious time to be a skater. Because skating was not even a blip on the cultural radar, graphic artists were able to appropriate intellectual properties, music was used and abused in videos without a care of rights or licensing, photographers were experimenting with their craft, and skate filmmakers realized they were better than the corny swipes and silly transitions of 80s videos. The final nail in the 80s coffin was the release of the revolutionary skate flick Hokus Pokus, starring Matt Hensley, Danny Way, Mike Carroll, and a slew of others.

Recently Transworld unearthed the lost Venture video from 1991 and it got me feeling all sorts of misty-eyed. I locked myself in my office and began to flip through old Thrashers and Poweredges from that era, and in the boxes I came across a misplaced book of art and poetry from a few years ago by former H-Street amateur skater John "The Man" Reeves. I decided to pick up the phone and call the number he’d written in the book and ask John to take a walk down memory lane with me to discuss the making of Hokus Pokus, the infamous H-Street house, and wrestling the Gonz.

VICE: Back in the H-Street videos they introduced you as John "The Man" Reeves, and you’ve used that, or "JTMR," as your handle ever since. I've always wondered where that nickname came from. Is it self-proclaimed?
It's most definitely not self-proclaimed—let's get that part straight! It stems from the mid-80s and my first sponsor, Primo Desiderio, who gave me his pro model Vision boards, Vision clothes, and Tracker trucks. We did demos at Southern California elementary schools. He also did a thing called Team Primo that sometimes featured two of the top Vision factory-sponsored am riders of the time, Matt Hensley and Danny Way. Anyhow, he made flyers for the demos that said: “Featuring John "The Man" Reeves!” Which is pretty weird considering I was only like 13 years old. I guess Primo called me "The Man" because he is kind of a small, short dude and I was a bit bigger than him and skated bigger too, like a man.

At first I felt weird about it, like people would think that I took the nickname really seriously, but anyone who knows me knows that I don't. I used to feel kinda lame and ashamed when people would say, "Hey! There's John The Man Reeves." But as I've gotten older I've learned to embrace it. Now I just see the nickname as a thing to set me apart from the seemingly endless ocean of talented skateboarders.

It’s safe to say that, along with Blind’s Video Days and World Industries's Rubbish Heap, Hokus Pokus helped defined a generation of skaters. What was it like to be a part of Hokus Pokus?
I have some really fond memories of filming Hokus Pokus with Mike "Mack Dawg" McEntire and "M.T." Mike Ternasky. Mack Dawg shot the 35mm film and M.T. shot the video. We mostly just filmed around our local spots in San Diego, but one of the highlights was when M.T. took us up to LA, on my first-ever film trip. It was me, Donger, Matt Hensley, Steve Ortega, and Sal Barbier, and we met up with Josh Swindell, Trent Gaines, and their crew. I'll never forget that trip—I did a melon grab over four trash cans lined up and that clip made it into the opening montage of the video.

I think a lot of firsts went down while filming for the H-street videos, and some of the dudes who made up the tricks aren't getting credit for doing them first. For example, in Hokus Pokus I do a lean to tail bluntslide on a handrail at a school we used to session called Montgomery, frontside late shove-it, and a kickflip backside tailslide at this other underground spot that we called "tweakers." I had never seen anybody do those tricks before. When I did the late shove-it I was just trying to do a frontside pop shove-it like I had seen the Gonz do in a Vision ad, but instead I ollied first, then I turned the board.

Image by Daniel Harold Sturt

And in This Is Not the New H-Street Video I did frontside noseblunts first, especially the one that Daniel Harold Sturt shot where I popped in no-handed on Primo's spine ramp. Before that I always grabbed tail or frontside and yanked it back in. And as far as crooked grinds and all the noseslide variations go, the credit should go to the genius of Dan Peterka who always had such a fresh original approach to skateboarding. Hensley had most of the firsts, Brian Lotti, Colby Carter... man the list could go on and on.

What was the team's flophouse, the H-Street house, like? How crazy did it get?
H-Street was one of the first, if not the first team to have a house for their riders to live at while they were filming. I think that they got the house specifically to have accommodations while shooting Hokus Pokus. Sal Barbier had the master bedroom and Donger had his own room upstairs where one time we took acid and pretty much stayed in his room the entire trip! He had this huge Slayer cloth banner poster thing on his wall and we just fried on acid and listened to Slayer—"ON AND ON, SOUTH OF HEAVEN!"—all night and smoked so much weed. We were like the stoners on the team, which is kind of bad thinking back on it because we were only like 14 or 15 years old! I remember when Mikey Carroll and Timmy Gavin came to stay at the house they were so small that they would sleep together in one sleeping bag!

Does it trip you out to look at the legendary, enduring status of your old teammates like Danny Way and Mike Carroll? Or did you know then that they were a different breed?
Yeah, sometimes I get hella tripped out when I think of how those guys seemed to already know exactly what they wanted to do with their skateboard careers, and how they chose to get involved on the business side of things so early in the game. Back then skateboarding was more about being punk rock and not giving a fuck about your future. Plus, nobody knew that skateboarding would become so mainstream and sustainable. I'm just so proud of those guys for having the business sense to make everything that they could think of and make it so good. But I'm not surprised because Mike Ternasky instilled that shit into those guys at such a young age. He was like a father to Mike and Danny, and he made them feel that they were superior in so many ways, especially when he started Plan B. 

What are you doing with yourself now?
As of now I'm skating and creating. I'm helping run Bodega skateboards with design and stuff. I have a few pro models out with them right now. I'm also helping run a skatepark and teaching kids to skate. Plus, I'm making music and working on my second book, Save Manhattan For Another Day. And I have a new project that I'm doing called "ArssiA." It's an acronym that I made up, it stands for "Artists Ride Skateboards Skateboarding Is Art." Right now it's just an Instagram page @arssia and a few t-shirts and some stickers. It's a project that I plan to work on for the rest of my life.

Bodega Skateboards recently posted a video of you play-fighting the Gonz. What was the story there?
Oh, man. The play fight/wrestling video happened so spontaneously. My girlfriend knew about some gallery art show magazine launch thing that was happening and she wanted me to go with her. Right when we got there I saw Mark, and I was so stoked that I just ran up to him and hug-tackled him! He was so cool about it and goes "we should film that!" He was like, " I'm gonna pretend to swoop on your girl and give her some flowers and then you come in and get mad and we'll start to fight." Next thing I know I get an email with the whole hilarious thing edited Benny Hill style.

I don't get to skate with him as much as I'd like, but the last time we went out he texted me, "OK, meet me at the downtown Starbucks at 11:00 and we'll go film some stuff." I got there at 11:05 and he sees me arriving through the window and runs out with an iced coffee in his hand and says, "Dude, I was just about to leave." Then he gets out his camera and starts filming. He tells me to just go and start skating! I wasn't warmed up at all so I just did some 360 powerslides and whatever. Mind you, it was like lunchtime rush hour in the financial district with people walking and cars everywhere! Anyhow, we ended up going to a couple of spots and skating for like an hour and a half, then he just goes, "OK, I got it. See ya later," and skates off! A few hours later I get an email form him with a hilarious edit of what we just filmed.

When did the writing and poetry begin?
Writing and poetry began back in high school in the late 80s and early 90s when I was the lead singer for a few bands in San Diego. I've always loved to sing. My parents sang in church when I was a kid and all my sisters sing too, so writing lyrics just came naturally. My poems and lyrics can seem very similar if you just read them, but the difference is that I actually sing the lyrics. I also have a soundcloud page where you can just listen to me read some of my poems.

Follow JTMR on Instagram and order Open Through the Mindflow here.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko

Fascists Fought Each Other in England on Saturday

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I’m pretty sure everyone remembers “your mom” being an insult at school. Just to be annoying, my friend used to reply “your mom” to absolutely everything anyone said for minutes at a time. Usually this resulted in total nonsense:

“Hey, can I borrow your protractor?”

“Your mom's a protractor.”

However, occasionally, by chance, it would sort of make sense.

“What? My mom's a protractor? Whatever."

*gap of a few minutes*

"So what are you doing tonight?”

“Doing your Mom. Ayoooooo.”

“You suck.”

“Your mom sucks.”

“Fuck's sake.”

By carpet-bombing us with “your mom” slurs, my annoying friend knew he'd never miss out on those rare occasions when the immature joke actually worked.

With about the same level of maturity, the English Defence League (EDL) have been blaming Muslims for pretty much everything that’s wrong with Britain for years. If you say “Muslims” every time someone asks who you should blame for something, then occasionally some Muslim people are going do something wrong and you’re going to feel vindicated.

This has been happening in relation to child sexual exploitation (CSE) since 2012, when an investigation by Andrew Norfolk in the Times exposed networks of Pakistani grooming gangs operating in the north of England. The EDL leapt on it, and it became one of the biggest sticks that the group used to figuratively and literally beat the country's Muslim population.

Last month, a new report emerged that made the EDL feel vindicated. Professor Alexis Jay—the leader of an inquiry into CSE in Rotherham and the author of the now-infamous report—estimates that some 1,400 children were sexually exploited in the South Yorkshire town from 1997 to 2013, with the vast majority of the perpetrators being of Pakistani heritage.

Many victims were also Pakistani, but the EDL used the sorry situation as a way to sell a story about exclusively English girls falling victim to Muslim abusers. That the authorities failed to act out for fear of being "politically incorrect" just adds to their sense of having been right all along.

They decided to take that message onto the streets of Rotherham on Saturday, so I went to see them pay their respects to the victims of sexual exploitation by getting drunk and fighting.

When I arrived, members of the various far-right splinter groups that were in attendance were milling around, and riot police lined every street. A few shops had their shutters down and many of those that didn’t had employees stationed by the doors, peering out anxiously.

Wandering towards the demonstration, an EDL supporter started telling me about the Kincora Boys’ Home in Belfast, which was the scene of years of sexual abuse that was allegedly covered up by the secret services. Looking back, I wish I had asked what that had to do with the creeping Islamification of the UK, which is what the EDL’s statements have all been about.

On arrival, it was clear that I was among a group of people who believe that their collective bias has been confirmed in the most resounding way possible. The whole thing was like a really grim “I told you so.”

About a minute after this picture was taken, an EDL steward noticed myself and VICE photographer Jake Lewis. He implied that if we didn’t leave, Jake’s camera might get smashed, switching between thinly veiled threats and insisting that he was there to stop any trouble from happening.

We decided not to get beaten up and instead wandered along to the nearby Unite Against Fascism (UAF) demonstration. It was pretty small and sedate in comparison.

In this instance, there are reasons why an event held by the UAF wouldn't hold too much appeal. The organization was formed as a front for the Socialist Workers Party, a number of whose dwindling membership were hanging around. The SWP is in the process of declining from the biggest far-left party in Britain to a cultish rump after its own sexual abuse scandal.

I bumped into a Labour Party activist named Jane. I asked her what she made of the council’s negligence, which has led to four of her party members being suspended pending investigation. “I wouldn’t like to see a UKIP [the anti-immigration Independence Party] council, put it that way,” she said, with the sort of blind loyalty and complacency that seemed to sum up a lot of what went wrong in the first place.

Then I spoke to John, a retired social worker. He said, “It’s not a new issue at all and it exists in every city in the country. The horror of it is that it was ignored.”

I asked why he thought it was ignored. “There’s a resource issue, but it’s also because of the disregard that some of these agencies have, particularly the police. They call it "SOS"—[which stands for] Scum On Scum. There's a belief sometimes that people who were being exploited were asking for it, or weren’t important. Mostly young working-class girls who had already been in trouble or had a criminal record.”

Then he added, "The most obvious case of sex abuse I ever dealt with was a white pedophile who attached himself to an Asian family. I didn’t run off saying this is what sex abuse is about, because it happens in all communities.”

Back near the EDL, assorted far-right splinter groups—those who are too openly racist even to be admitted to the main demonstration—were being forced to hold their own little march. From the flags, it looked like it included the National Front (NF) and someone from the Endlisc Resistance (that is the correct spelling). Having been told to leave the EDL demo earlier, I reflected that this was the first time I had ever been treated in the same way as a member of the NF.

Oh, and something called the World Church of the Creator were also reportedly somewhere nearby. Those guys are made of people who spent the 1980s praying to their God, Adolf Hitler, and publishing something called "The White Man's Bible." Good sorts, basically.

After the splinter groups had tramped past, the mass of angry EDLers swelled into the road.

And, as they rounded a corner, a bunch of guys stood by the road applauding them.

But then, for whatever reason, the two groups started fighting. The EDL broke through the police lines, sending the metal barriers that lined the route crashing to the floor, chasing their unwanted fans away. It’s not clear exactly what happened—one report said that a group of NF members had attacked the EDL for calling them “Hitler lovers”; another said the EDL attacked the NF for heckling an EDL rainbow flag.

Having broken out, they took the opportunity to enjoy a bit of a rampage on a nearby grassy verge, showing off their stab-proof vests and football shirts with the names of French people on the back.

With the rampage over, the march continued over a bridge...

Until it reached Rotherham police station. This has been the site of a two-week campsite vigil demanding that Shaun Wright, the current police commissioner, should resign.

Wright was in charge of children’s services during the time that much of the abuse occurred. It’s possible that his failure to resign has made him even more of a pariah than the EDL. He has insisted that he “genuinely believes” it’s in the victims’ “best interests” for him to stay in his post, despite the grandfather of an alleged victim telling him, “If I had a gun, I would shoot you,” on Thursday and the EDL visiting his home every single day.

At some point, some speeches were made, but we were too far away to hear them, so we headed back into town, where some of those who had broken away from the demo were still marching around.

It was time to leave. On the way out of Rotherham I spoke to Sue and Anne, who were both pretty unhappy about their town being turned into a racists' playground. Sue (on the left in the photo above) said, “It’s really bad what’s happened. But this isn’t helping—the EDL coming and causing splits in the community. It’s absolutely terrible.”

In a sense, her opinion is one that's borne out by the Alexis Jay report. Any failure to tackle sexual abuse by Pakistani men for fear that it could “give oxygen” to racist perspectives can only be condemned. But according to the report, “to some extent this concern was valid, with the apparent targeting of the town by groups such as the English Defence League.”

By claiming that the crimes of a group of Pakistani men reflect badly on every British Muslim, the EDL may have made the crimes harder to report. It could also be argued that it made it easier for negligent or complicit authorities to bat away allegations involving non-white people as “racist.”

Despite being somewhat counterproductive, the EDL's narrative clearly makes sense to a few people. I spoke to a 17-year-old girl named Tegan, who said she didn’t usually support the EDL but thought it was good that “someone” was standing up against the abuse. It seemed to sum up the problem. A total failure to tackle the issue at an institutional level has allowed the EDL to pose as white knights, storming in to sort out the awful mess because everyone else is either too apathetic or incompetent to do so.

Follow Simon Childs and Jake Lewis on Twitter.

How Will Humanity Need to Change if We Want to Live on Other Planets?

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Garbage from the International Space Station about to be unloaded into our solar system. Photo via Wikipedia

Have you ever had a long bar conversation about space exploration? Words like light years, interstellar, and landing module are bandied about and we all pretend to have a pretty firm grasp on what it would take to get the human race up to Mars, or elsewhere, and turning other worlds into slightly floatier versions of Earth.

Some might have even heard about SpaceX, the privately funded space exploration company, or Mars One, a Dutch enterprise that hopes to send a bunch of people to the red planet for the rest of their lives. But what happens when they get there? How will the human body evolve to deal with living on a different rock to the one our species has spent hundreds of thousands of years adapting to?

One person asking these kinds of questions is Lord Martin Rees, Astronomer Royal and a professor of cosmology and astrophysics at the University of Cambridge. So I called him up for a chat.

Lord Martin Rees

VICE: Can you explain to me what exactly your idea of a post-human—and a post-human future—is?
Lord Martin Rees: One thing we know is that Earth has a billion-year future ahead of it where life could persist, which means there's plenty of time for evolution. Moreover, future evolution won’t happen on the slow timescale of Darwinian natural selection. Instead, it will happen via the application of technology. Within a couple of centuries we will be capable of altering our descendants via genetic engineering and "cyborg" techniques into almost a different species. 

Do you think that would actually happen on a mass scale, though?
It may not happen here on Earth due to human choices and ethical preferences, but a century or two from now, small communities could possibly be living away from Earth in space. And surely we'd wish them the best of luck in adapting to alien environments through these kinds of drastic modification? It’s at this point that our species will diverge as we spread throughout the solar system.

That makes sense—the human body is presumably going to need a bit of work if its to cope in environments that we haven't naturally evolved to live in.
My prediction would be that, here on Earth, some cyborg-like modifications would take place through the process of melding ourselves with computers. The real scope of such changes, however, will occur via space pioneers. The environmental conditions that they will find themselves in will force them to adapt themselves. On Mars, for example, there is less gravity then here on Earth—and, on an asteroid, far less still. As a result, those living away from Earth will modify their physiques, adapting towards what’s optimal for a very different environment.

What makes you think that will happen faster than previous natural evolution?
Darwinian natural selection has, in many ways, stopped, due to medical advancements and the fact that we can now keep people alive who otherwise would have died. Our knowledge of genetics and cyber techniques could bring about a much faster form of evolution. I’m confident that if we can survive the next century these kinds of changes will occur, but it’s harder to predict the timescale. But it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that such genetic and physical augmentation could occur over the next few hundred years.

What are your thoughts on nuclear power and its role in space exploration? 
Nuclear power will be very important in cutting the journey time between planets and moons. A nuclear rocket may not offer as much thrust as chemical rockets when it comes to launching a spacecraft, but what it does allow is sustained acceleration over a long time span. This helps build up speed and therefore cut journey time. Even with nuclear rockets, however, it will take far longer than the lifespan of a human to travel beyond our solar system to the nearest stars. So any such efforts will be a post-human enterprise. Traveling across the Milky Way for thousands of years may not seem daunting to creatures who are near immortal or can induce states of suspended animation. While the idea of warp drive seems impossible to us currently, we have to be open-minded to the idea that we may be unaware of certain scientific principles.

Do you think private space exploration enterprises—like SpaceX, for example—are where those possibilities lie? 
If the Chinese committed themselves to leapfrogging NASA, they could obviously have an Apollo-like program committed to landing on Mars. If that doesn’t happen, however, I genuinely believe that the first humans to land on Mars will be privately sponsored. The reason for this is that there is no real practical case for manned space flight—that’s because robots are much cheaper and are closing the gap with human capabilities. 

Those humans who do land on Mars will therefore most likely be adventurers or thrill-seekers looking to push the limits of human endurance. Hope lies with companies such as SpaceX because they look to build craft more cheaply, and also their passengers may accept higher risks than NASA could impose on civilian publicly-funded astronauts—risks that include radiation damage and the potential of sending someone to Mars with a one-way ticket.

An artist's impression of what the first human settlement on Mars might look like.

Given that, through the modifications you're talking about, post-humans could potentially become less organic. Os it possible that extraterrestrials could be completely synthetic?
Absolutely. The human brain carries with it many limits. A silicon-based intelligence could eventually far surpass the human brain in terms of mental capacity, and especially in speed. If extraterrestrial intelligence is detected, it’s quite likely that it will be non-organic, possibly created by a long extinct civilization. Even though there are probably billions of Earth-like planets in our galaxy, we don’t know how many are likely to have biospheres. 

But if there are any planets similar to Earth which have evolved like the Earth, but for longer, then it’s perfectly possible that they will be populated by non-organic beings—computers that have the ability to simulate life itself. A much more far-out speculation, by the way, is that we could exist inside a simulation being carried out on a vast computer created by a more advanced civilization, akin to the Matrix. I think such an idea is pure science fiction. Having said that, it’s not against the fundamental laws of physics. Galactic scale super-civilizations could build computers on a planetary scale with stupendously massive processing power. So, while wildly futuristic, such civilizations are possible.

Finally, how tied is the survival of the human species to the stars?
The presence of a self-sustaining community of pioneers living away from Earth would be an assurance in the sense that it would mean that the post-human future wouldn’t be foreclosed even if everything was wiped out here on Earth. But even pessimists would rate the prospect of all humans being wiped out here on Earth as unlikely. 

Having said that, the rapid advance of technology means that, 20 years from now, it’s likely that individuals or small groups will be able to create bioweapons in the same spirit that some people engage in cyber-terrorism. I worry about the problems of controlling this. If one person can cause a catastrophe then that’s one person too many. I genuinely believe that this prospect is going to present an intractable problem for all governments. We must strive to harness the benefits of ever more powerful technologies—bio-, cyber-, and nano—while reducing the downside risks. 

VICE Premiere: Watch Amp Live's Latest Video for 'Signs'

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Los Angeles-based producer Amp Live wants to create music "to make you move and think," which he does by using just about every instrument in his musical repertoire. His latest, "Signs," combines a heady beat, the sorrowful sound of a cello, Amp's own voice, and a variety of electronic notes.

"Signs" comes on the heels of his debut solo album, Headphone Concerto, which mimicked a classic concerto piece with three distinct movements and featured guest artists like Dom from Big Gigantic, Eric Rachmany from Rebelution, PROF, and Sol. Although it's his first solo effort, Amp had previously released 11 albums as one half of the group Zion I, which mashed up the musicality of live drums, a cello, and a one-of-a-kind MPC guitar.

It's this kind of crossover that allows "Signs" and the other songs on Headphone Concerto to transcend musical genres. Give this a listen and you'll see what we mean.


This Tinder Addict Is Also a Virgin

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Photos by the author

Ask anyone. Tinder is the app you use for hooking up. In polite company, people will say it’s "just for fun” or they joined because they were bored, but my grandmother wouldn’t know about this bit of zeitgeist if it was just some voyeuristic Hot or Not clone with a chat function. The success of the juggernaut app is in its ability to connect horny folks of all stripes for efficient, self-selecting, casual fun. It’s such a notorious name in the romance app game that niche market competitors tend to refer to themselves as “the Tinder of _____.” So popular is the app that it’s even started to tempt the chaste to join its ranks. After she told me—puzzlingly—that all of her Tinder-based relationships break apart too quickly, I got coffee with CINDY (fake name), a comedian in Southern California, who also happens to be a committed virgin, and asked her some questions about her swiping experience. 

You’re a virgin on Tinder. What’s that like?
It’s hard for people to accept that there are virgins by choice. They think I can’t just do it if I wanted to. I mean, I don’t care or anything. It’d be a lot easier if it wasn’t and things just ended up this way. But to have to make this effort is the hard part.

You haven’t done anything sexual, right? 
Yeah, I’ve made out with some guys. That’s it. Oh, and someone grabbed my breast very briefly, and then I told him to stop. I haven’t seen a penis though.

Why, of all the dating sites and apps out there, did you choose Tinder, given that it's widely considered just a hook-up platform?
I knew that. I think I was just curious at first. I had just moved two hours away from my hometown and wanted to see what all the buzz was about. But I didn’t like it. I didn’t like myself for swiping just based on pictures, which are essentially illusions. If I meet them in person, I’m not going to expect them to look like that. They’re probably less appealing. And my favorite DJ, Dillon Francis, uses this for trolling people. And they show how stupid all the girls are on it, so I wanted to get in on it and see if the guys were too. And I thought initially that I didn’t want to meet anyone, so I thought what’s the point of being myself? Cause they’d be like “Hey, let’s meet up” and I’d be like “No, I’m too scared. Let’s just talk.” So I decided to use it for a little experiment where I’d try to get rejected as fast as I could, and then make it public.

Image courtesy of "Cindy"

What was your process?
My tactic was to make the guy as uncomfortable as possible. I’d ask them how much they think I weigh, if I could meet their parents, their financial history. Then I’d screencap it and post it to Instagram for the sake of comedy.

So was this entire endeavor just for material for your comedy or was there maybe 5 percent of you that thought, “Man, this one guy was really cool and handled my bait well.”
There definitely was that from time to time. Initially, yes, it was for the screenshots, and I never planned to meet them. And these shots did get me the most exposure I’d had at that point. I’ve since learned that it’s not that original an idea. But inevitably I made the mistake of swiping right on people that just seemed interesting. I felt bad if they had a compliment for me, or an opening line that wasn’t incredibly aggressive. So that happened. I did end up meeting up with people like that. I’m not that infallible.

Why is meeting someone you’re attracted to and find interesting fallibility?”
I just wasn’t in a place where I should be meeting people. Like, I don’t want to hook up with these people. I mean, it was crazy to find that not all men on Tinder are these horrible, horny monsters. But, being the committed virgin that I am, I knew it would end up going to a place where we weren’t both on the same page. For most of them at least.

Image courtesy of "Cindy"

When do you disclose your virginity to a potential suitor?
I guess date number two if they seem pretty serious. Not serious serious, but like interested in seeing me again. I always thought Tinder was I’d meet that person once. Like meet up and hopefully this doesn’t work out and I’ll never have to see them again. But, unfortunately, it’s always worked out.

Why do you think you don’t want it to work out?
Because I just shouldn’t be dating. Virgin [thing] aside, I don’t even know myself. Other than knowing that I’m going to be celibate, everything else is very uncertain. I’m just really immature right now. Maybe I’m just projecting that on myself. Also, I have conservative values, so I can’t really say that I’m a feminist, but I’m a quasi-feminist, and I didn’t like how I was depending on the guys for things. Like them paying for stuff. And even more, I didn’t like that I sort of liked that treatment. I hated that I liked it. I know it’s dumb.

Of the guys you saw, has anyone tried to push your boundaries at all?
Oh yeah. The first guy for sure. The thing with each of the guys is that it takes a long time for them to believe me. They ask over and over if I’m serious, and don’t seem to buy that I don’t experiment. The first guy didn’t pressure me, but I asked him point blank “Are you sure you want to keep dating a virgin? I’ll be a tease to you and frustrate you.” His response was “Yeah, we’ll see what happens.” He was very confident that I would be weak around him, that I would compromise myself around him.

When do you think you’d like to finally lose your virginity?
When I’m married. I’m serious. Ideally on my wedding night. I think I really do see sex as something I want to share only with someone I’m really, really committed to. I might be tempted to if I’m with someone I could see myself with long term, but that hasn’t happened yet.

Tell me about your longest relationship.

It was six months. But I was 15. I was way too young. And that was too much for me at once. Since then, just a few short spurts. It was tough because I was pretty scarred by that relationship. All he talked about was how sexually deprived he was. Like, 15 is an ok age to not be having sex, right? And he just didn’t want anything else. If I’m going to be emotionally invested in it, the guy should be too. Basically, if I can’t see myself having kids with you, there’s no shot that I’m going to have sex with you.

You don’t really know how weird this all sounds until you say it out loud to someone else.

So what is the main reason that causes these break ups? Is it the lack of sex for them or you running away?
It’s mostly me. It’s always me. I do the whole “It’s me, not you” thing and push away. It always feels like I’m hiding this part of me that’s very insecure. This is getting very sad. Ugh.

Are you really sad?
Yeah. I am. I have SSRIs in my backpack right now. Don’t feel bad for me. Please don’t feel bad for me.

Ok, then what is it you’d most want people to know about you?
I’m not a virgin by pressure. I’m really comfortable with not having a sex life. I’ve always been amazed by how much people respect it and don’t judge me for it. But I think if you are making the choice to not have a sex life, being certain that you’re doing the right thing is something to be proud of. I realize I’m lonely, but I knew going into it that it’d be difficult. And I’m not inhuman or asexual. My body does crave things. And I do the best I can to not tackle those urges myself. I just do something else until they go away. There’s always something I should be doing that’s more productive. I don’t have a sense of what’s normal, but I know I’m not normal.

So how will you be using Tinder going forward?
I feel like I’m done dating from Tinder, but I’m not deleting the app. I still want those screenshots. I’ll probably just set the age range to over 35 so I’m not at all tempted to meet up with them. But I’m not as strong as I think I am. I’ll probably relapse and find another guy I want to see.

Have you ever considered the possibility that you might come to know yourself better through companionship with another person?
Of course. I just get worried that they’d want to change me to suit their needs. To become what they want. But I don’t love them enough to become what they want. I think you have to compromise a lot of yourself to be in a relationship, and I’m not ready to do that. I’d rather be alone than lose myself.

Since this coffee, Cindy has deleted, reinstalled, and re-deleted Tinder. She met up with one guy and, predictably, it didn’t pan out into anything serious. She remains hopeful that once she gets her life more sorted, she’ll be able to start a relationship with someone she’s met in the real world.

Follow Justin Caffier on Twitter.

There’s a Danish Town Overrun with Giant Oysters

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There’s a Danish Town Overrun with Giant Oysters

Minecraft's Loyal Community Bids Farewell To Notch

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Minecraft's Loyal Community Bids Farewell To Notch

Swedish Rapper Adam Tensta Interviewed a Man Who Was Shot in the Head

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The front page of a newspaper the day after Hasan Zatara was shot. Screengrab from 'Shot by the Laser Man'

On the 30th of January 1992, a man walked into Hasan Zatara’s store next to Hägersten’s tube station in Stockholm and shot him in the head. The perpetrator was John Ausonius, a.k.a. Lasermannen [which in Swedish means "the Laser Man"].

Within five months between 1991 and 1992, Lasermannen shot at least 11 people. The Lasermannen case became the second largest and most comprehensive police investigation in the history of Sweden—after the investigation of the murder of Prime Minister Olof Palme in 1986.  

Lasermannen’s deeds were inspired by the political party New Democracy, which was a populist and xenophobic party that entered the Swedish parliament in 1991. The only thing Lasermannen’s victims had in common was that they were all immigrants. Ironically, Ausonius wasn't really Swedish himself but of Swiss and German origin, which reportedly meant that he grew up feeling alienated and as a kid he was often bullied because of this.



From left: Adam Tensta, Mustafa Zatara and Hasan Zatara. Screengrab from 'Shot by the Laser Man'

Hasan Zatara was fortunately not killed by Lasermannen's shot. However, after weeks in coma, he woke up unable to speak, with half of his body paralyzed. In the 22 years since he was shot, his seven children have learned to communicate with him through body language. Swedish rapper Adam Tensta, who is friends with Zatara's son, Mustafa, met up with Hasan for a video interview, which Tensta released on his website last Friday.

Unfortunately, the interview hasn't been subtitled in English yet so I called up Tensta to talk about his conversation with Zatara, racism and the similarities between Sweden in the 1990s and Sweden today.

VICE: Tell me about the subject matter of this video you released on Friday.
Adam Tensta: The video is about Hassan Zatara and how his life has been since he was shot. There is also a conversation concerning racism and some more thoughts that he hasn’t had the chance to share ever since he was paralyzed.

How did Hassan Zatara's story attract your attention?
I think it’s important that people get to see the face of a victim of racism, so that they understand it's not just a matter of politics and statistics—that it can actually affect and ruin lives. It wasn't just Hassan Zatara, whose life changed after the incident—his entire family was affected.

Has racism affected you personally?
Yeah, definitely. I speak Swedish and that immediately classifies me as "exotic" in some people's eyes. And people have a tendency to tell you if they think you’re not like them. Like, “Dude, you speak really good Swedish—were you born here?” I can never be a “Swede”.

These are ideas that are usually communicated in pretty innocent ways—people don't really think before saying them. But it affects people more than you would expect—to never be allowed in or not be allowed to be who you are in front of other people. It’s about the way you look, or what religion you follow, etc. Racism can be expressed in many ways, It’s not always manifested with violence—it can be something as simple as “Would it bother you if I call you chocolate balls?” You get me?

I do. How did meeting Hasan feel?
It felt like he had been imprisoned in a bubble for a long time. You can’t see that in the video, but when we arrived outside the building where he lives, we saw him standing on his balcony. The feeling that he really wanted this to happen was strong—that he had been waiting for this moment for a while. I think it’s weird that he hasn’t had the chance to speak his mind before. That's pretty insane actually.

There are plenty of documentaries about Lasermannen. But it feels like nobody has really bothered to look at his victims and their stories.
I’m not so sure about that so I can’t comment on that. But if it is that way, it’s obviously a shame. I mean, these are the people who have been affected the most.

How did you get in touch with Hasan?
I know Hasan’s sons. One of them, Mustafa, at some point told me that no one has ever interviewed his dad. We were talking about racism and how it has become this matter of numbers but doesn't seem to have a face, or a face that people accept. So Mustafa obviously thought of his dad who’s been shot by Lasermannen, and said that it’d be interesting to interview him about this.

When you guys were growing up together, did you feel that the sons were affected by their dad’s situation in any way?
We were very young when he was attacked, but you understood pretty quickly that their lives wouldn’t be the same again. I mean, it was obvious how incredibly sad they were—during class, on our breaks, anytime we hung out.



Mustafa and Hasan Zatara. Screengrab from 'Shot by the Laser Man'

It might be difficult to remember now, but did you understand at the time that there were racist motives behind the attack? And did that affect you and your friends?
We talked about it at home, and I remember that my mum didn’t really want me to go out and play as we usually did. Because you know she had heard about this man shooting immigrants. We discussed it quite a lot at school—at least in our neighborhoods. We followed the news, and when we were outside we'd act a little paranoid—cause anyone could have been the Lasermannen's victim. 

But as time passed, the stories turned into some kind of legend, almost like an urban legend. And then it happened again in Malmo in 2009—we got a new Lasermannen, Peter Mangs.

If you look at the situation in Sweden today, do you see any similarities between then and now?
There are so many similarities between how it was then and how it is now, and in a way, that feels a bit like a relief. Because then you can hope that the rampage of the far-right will be repressed by the anti-racist movement, in the same way it did in the 1990s. It’s interesting and at the same time terrifying that we’re experiencing the same cycle all over again. There is an actual second Lasermannen and xenophobic parties are also having some time in the sun.

How are you hoping that people will feel when they watch this?
I don’t think that this will change the minds of people who intend to vote for the Sweden Democrats. I don’t think that will happen, as those people have largely extreme opinions and feelings. But I hope that we’ve shown how racism affects people's lives. Many people imagine that racism doesn’t exist. That there isn’t any institutionalized racism either. I just want to show them all that this is wrong—here's what was and what is happening in Sweden at the moment.

Watch Adam Tensta's video Shot by the Laser Man here [in Swedish].

@caisasoze

Bad Cop Blotter: Anonymous Border Patrol Agents Keep Killing People

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A US Customs and Border Protection officer. Photo via Flickr user Elvert Barnes

For the last six months, US Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has been spinning its wheels instead of instituting reforms or achieving accountability concerning their agents fatally shooting people. Border Patrol agents have shot to death 46 people in the past decade, 15 of whom were Americans. According to The Arizona Republic and USA Today, agents have shot people they suspected of throwing rocks on the Mexico side of the border. They have shot people while they ran away. In other incidents, unarmed individuals died from Tasers or beatings. There have been no repercussions for CBP agents since 2005, and there have reportedly been no disciplinary actions taken over excessive or lethal force since 2008.

Like most law enforcement agencies, CBP has made timid promises to address the problem, such as telling agents to avoid lethal force situations whenever possible, and not to shoot at rock-throwers unless there is no other recourse. This while still fighting meaningful attempts at reform or transparency. Just recently, on September 11, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) filed suit to prevent CBP from permanently sealing the name of the Border Patrol agent who fatally shot a 16-year-old Mexican boy two years ago.

Jose Antonio Elena Rodriguez was shot at least eight times by the unnamed agent, who said someone was throwing rocks at him while he searched for drug smugglers sneaking over the fence. Rodriguez’s family says that wasn’t him, and that the boy was just walking home after a baseball game. In July, Rodriguez's mother sued, alleging that the officer used excessive force and violated her son’s Fourth and Fifth Amendment rights. Under a deal with CBP, the boy’s family does get to learn the name of their son’s killer—so long as no one else does. A US District Court has demanded that the secrecy be justified by the government, but the agency has done the same thing before, only releasing the names of 16 agents involved in the 46 lethal incidents since 2005.

The excuse for secrecy in the name is like the excuse police in Ferguson, Missouri, used after their officer, Darren Wilson, shot Michael Brown: CBP agents have a special, dangerous job. Someone might target them—like a bad guy angry that a teenager got shot and nobody was held accountable. 

Now, onto this week’s bad cops:

  • VICE contributor Julia Carrie Wong investigated the Urban Shield convention held earlier in Oakland, California. The convention, which attracted so many protesters that it reportedly won’t be held in Oakland again, is part guns and militarized police expo, part training for various terrorism scenarios, and part opportunity for police to play with all the flashy war gear they may not get to use otherwise. The whole thing is sponsored by the Department of Homeland Security, making cop-skittish Oakland even more unsettled by its presence.
  • VICE News contributor John Dyer reported on the San Diego Unified School District’s acquisition of a 14-ton MRAP (Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected) vehicle, which will be repainted so as to look less SWAT-y and, in theory, can be used during a natural disaster of some kind.
  • On Tuesday, police in Louisville, Kentucky, along with the the local Alcohol Control Board, reportedly frisked every single patron of a bar before they were allowed to exit. Part of this, including the instructions to line up for a friskin’, was recorded on video—and it’s not hard to see why a local lawyer told media that police broke the law here. The issue that prompted the touching and feeling was ostensibly the bar’s liquor license, with some whispers of drug dealing, but simply being inside of such a bar is not probable cause to be searched. This is both creepy and unconstitutional.
  • Prosecutors in Killeen, Texas, will pursue the death penalty for Marvin Louis Guy over a May 9 incident which left one police officer dead and another injured. During the 5:30 AM no-knock drug raid, Killeen police were shot at by Guy. Police Detective Charles Dinwiddie was struck and killed while Officer Odis Denton was shot but recovered after femur surgery. Most drug raids, especially the no-knock variety, take place at an hour during which most people are asleep and it seems likely that Guy has a pretty damn good defense that he didn’t know who he was shooting at. Defendants in similar situations have argued with varying degrees of success. Maybe he got scared when someone barged into his apartment before dawn?
  • Police in Sarasota Springs, Utah, fatally shot a 22-year-old black man holding what may not even have been a real sword. According to his mother, Susan, Darrien Hunt was off looking for a job—fake three-foot samurai sword in hand, for reasons unknown—when police shot him dead. Susan Hunt’s lawyer also says an independent autopsy shows that her son was shot in the back, not while “lunging” at police as they are currently saying. This might be a doozy without video evidence, but it does sound like chickenshit cops strike again.
  • On Monday, a trooper with the Oklahoma State Highway Patrol was arrested on suspicion of raping a woman. Allegedly, Trooper Eric Roberts pulled a woman over in July, saying she smelled marijuana. He then took the woman into custody, made her watch porn in his car, took her to a secluded area, and raped her. Roberts has been under investigation and suspended from patrol since July 24. Charges have not yet been filed against him, but he’s expected to be charged with a long line of awful things, including second degree rape, forcible oral sodomy, and kidnapping. 
  • On September 11, the Oklahoma branch of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) sued Logan County Sheriff Jim Bauman in order to gain access to Bauman’s alleged database of records on up to 25,000 individuals never charged with any crime.
  • Last Monday, a SWAT team from the Lake Havasu City, Arizona, police department managed to strike a two-year-old with the door they forced in during a drug raid. No narcotics were found, but a scale reportedly had meth residue. The toddler, who was taken to the hospital to be checked out, seems to be fine. His father, 25-year-old Adrian Guzman, was arrested on felony possession of drug paraphernalia which allegedly contained trace amounts of a banned substance. Drug paraphernalia—which can mean simply plastic baggies—is a bullshit charge and narcotics field tests to “confirm” drug residue are impressively unreliable. Basically, grains of salt all ‘round here. But at least you hit a kid on the head, officers.
  • Six Florida corrections officers were fired after they beat an inmate, then lied about the man having spit in the eye of the officer in charge, Captain James Kirkland. Last month, while an inmate at Northwest Florida Reception Center named Jeremiah Tatum was being taken to a shower by five guards, Kirkland said he would fake being spat on as a pretext for beating Tatum. He later made one of guards write the incident reports for all five to make sure they matched up. On Thursday, all five were arrested for felony battery and fired. Kirkland was also dismissed from his job and charged with two counts of official misconduct. Officials are investigating several inmate deaths that have occurred at the prison.
  • Oh, hey, five other Florida corrections officers at another prison were also arrested last week, this time for battery of an inmate. Try not to think about what’s probably happening in various other prisons across the United States that we’re not hearing about.
  • Nobody cares about weed anymore, right? Especially not in hippie places in Cali, bro! Oh, hang on: “Mysterious Men Dropping From Helicopters To Chop Down NorCal Marijuana Grows." Turns out, these guys who are going around pursuing such worthy goals as destroying Mendocino County’s marijuana harvest are allegedly not even police, but a security firm working with them called Lear Asset Management. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re Mendocino County deputies, which is what Sheriff Tom Allman claims, and no private security firms work with his police. Lear Asset Management’s promotional flyer suggests otherwise, however. Seems like the takeaway is: masked dudes from the sky are cutting up marijuana plants. This kind of Commando raid, “private” or not, is creepily reminiscent of California’s CAMP raids of the 1980s, descriptions of which should traumatize even the most jaded of drug war followers.
  • Speaking of civil asset forfeiture gone mad in the city of Philadelphia, Slate’s Dave Weigel reported on even more disturbing stories of people having their money and property taken from them just for sitting in the courthouse “get your shit back” waiting room. My favorite detail is the story of Philly cops putting a gun to the head of a guy running a methadone clinic, then taking $90 bucks and his cellphone.
  • On Wednesday, two officers with the New York Police Department stopped a teenage girl from jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. Officers Philip Hirsch and Donnell Graves were patrolling the bridge when they saw the 14-year-old sitting on a ledge. Hirsch climbed after the girl, and Graves began talking to her. After some protesting on the teen’s part, she was taken to safety. This quick, life-saving action makes Graves and Hirsch our Good Cops of the Week. Other police take notice: you’re supposed to save suicidal people, not kill them.

Follow Lucy Steigerwald on Twitter.

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