Photo by Allen Ying

After a broken pelvis left him unable to skate when he was 15 years old, Colin Read began filming on a friend’s handi-cam and editing footage on whatever programs he could download from Limewire. Ten years later, Colin has emerged as a voice that feels both nostalgic and new in underground skate videos. Shot from the rooftops of New York City to the streets of Tokyo through a distorted fisheye lens with mesmerizing editing, Colin's films make you ask yourself, Why haven't I skated today?

I first became aware of Colin’s work through the “New York Clip” video series he created for SLAP magazine. Watching the clips made the art of skate videos exciting for me again—especially the rooftop section, which revealed a slew of untapped skating spots in New York City. I was hooked.

To find out more about his technique, I met Colin in his Brooklyn apartment a few weeks ago. Like a shrine to Colin’s passions, the apartment’s walls were filled with decks and the floor was covered with video gear straight from the shelves of a Best Buy circa 1999. I talked to Colin about his brand of lo-fi filmmaking, his cult favorite skate film Tengu: God of Mischief, and what it means to be "greedy about life."

VICE: Why’d you choose to shoot on the Sony VX1000, the classic skate video camera from the late 90s and the early 2000s?
At the time it came out, it was exactly what people were looking for. The balance is right. The colors are great and crisp. It has the classic golden look. The sound is amazing—the pops are loud and the power slides sound great. You can get so close to people. It also creates a rush of speed. People blaze past, but you can still see. It came at a time when people were perfecting the art of skate videos. Because of that, it just has a history in skateboarding for people of my generation. 

Why shoot in a 4:3 aspect ratio?
That is an important question that people forget to ask themselves when they’re thinking about switching formats. Skateboarding is vertical. Human beings, we stand vertical. The thing about 16:9 is that the frame is so wide, there is too much dead space. You need a separate camera. Also, it so wide, the fisheye can’t be distorted. You can’t get as close. And since you’re not as close, the skateboarder is filling even less of the screen, so there’s even more dead space. With the VX, the skater can fit as much of the screen as you want. With 4:3, there’s also a sense of speed. It doesn’t go on for so long. The background zooms past and you feel the speed. With 16:9, the background just slopes away and it robs the footage of a sense of speed and the improvisational feel of skateboarding.

Why not shoot in HD?               
HD is so clear and you can see everything. It forces you to be farther away from the skater. You can see so much, you can predict what the skater is going to do. But, with the VX, you can choose how you want to show the reveal. You can put a lot more thought into when you want objects to appear, when you want people to realize what’s happening. It stays surprising, and I think that’s the most important thing. If its not surprising, why even watch it?

That’s one thing that I love about your movie: You see every obstacle in a new way. How did you get the films opening shot of the front side flip onto the roof bank from a subway train? Did you have a friend on the train calling and saying, "Go!"
No, I was calling him. [Laughs] We’re pretty low budget. I was filming with one hand and my other hand was on my phone. I would count down over the phone to a friend who was with Conner and that friend would count down with me.The first time we did it, Conner did a front 180 into the bank off the roof. The 180 took like four tries. And that meant I had to ride the train all the way into the city, transfer all the way back and then do it over and over again. It took like a long time, but it was worth it. That night when we got home, Conner calls me, he’s like “Hey, I want to try and front side flip it.” So we were back to square one. The second time Conner just put on headphones, which were connected to his phone. So I said, “Alright, ready man?” And then he went and did it on his first try, which was a big relief.

I hear that you can only skate on the roofs in the winter because of the tar.
The roofs get so mushy in the summer. They get so soft and your wheels just sink. Even if you walk around in the summer, you leave footprints in the tar up there. It has to be winter or close to winter to be able to roll fast and do tricks. That’s the reason this film took so long. We could only film it in a few months every year. It was three winters before we could finish. The first time we got a roof clip, it was by accident. We didn’t realize that was such a sick spot. And there are these spots everywhere that have just never been seen. Its like a whole new world of spots that is untouched.

How did you find those spots?
We’d walk around Brooklyn and try and see if the doors unlocked. We’d try to buzz and get in or climb up the fire escape. We had no criminal intent. We were technically breaking the law, but we weren’t hurting anything. I’m sure that we annoyed some people for a short amount of time, but I think that’s the price you have to pay for art.

Let’s talk about the subway track gap—it blew up. The photo was everywhere.
Allen Ying’s an incredible photographer. He really captured how insane Colby is. We took the artistic approach. Media today has become diluted by the ever-present camera. Every person in America has a camera and a microphone on him or her at all times. That means everything’s on film. That takes away a lot of the magic. You’ll see something as soon as it happens, but you wont see the amazing photograph that was taken of it and comes out in a book months later.

Do you think the proliferation of recording devices creates a wall of white noise?
Good work speaks for itself. Even if you don’t have a big outlet, you’ll get noticed. And if you keep making solid work, it’ll grow to be something that will be seen in a larger venue. But there is a lot of “white noise.” That term is pretty apt.

Do you see that in skateboarding, too?
Skateboarding is at a point where there’s so many people doing it. It’s one of the biggest sports in the world, which I think is pretty sad, because I don’t see it as a sport at all. I think it’s more of an artistic expression. But today, huge corporations are invested in it and big skate companies put ads in the big magazines and pay writers to take trips to China to film clips for their video. And then there’s the street league, which is featured on ESPN and has hosts wearing Nascar-type outfits covered in logos. It’s completely foreign to me.

Let’s talk about the editing of Tengu.
There’s two to 300 sequences in the project. For me, a video isn’t anything without the music and the flow between sections. It’s a pet peeve of mine when a video just has a hard cut and starts another section. It’s interesting to watch how editors deal with the problem of moving from one part to the next in a logical way. With Tengu, I tried to go further than I’ve gone before and perfect the flow. It’s all about finding a way to move seamlessly from one part to the next. As I went along through the trends of footage, I figured out the parts and how I wanted to tie them together. Some of them just came together after the fact.

Which ones?
The roof section to Conner’s part. Conner didn’t mean to fall off the roof like that. That was scary—but nobody died. Anyway, we knew we wanted to get from the roof to the street. Originally, he was going to do an actual trick where he rolled off a roof onto the ground. But in the end, we decided against that. We ended up watching that clip and thinking about how cool it’d be to do an animation of him falling, catching the board, and then dropping. We went to the museum and he did the drop-in and I filmed it from underneath. Then I gave those clips to Evan Borja, who is an incredible animator and skater. He did the hand drawn animation.

In Tengu, you lift a quote from Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru about what it means to live. The film is about a bureaucrat finally deciding to live once he finds out his life is over. Are you running from becoming that bureaucrat?
No, I’m the dude at the swing silently freezing to death and dying of cancer. [Laughs] I used that quote from Ikiru because it talks about how you never know the true value of life until you’re face to face with death. My friend Justin Clady almost died during the filming of this video. He was bombing a hill and a guy was jamming in reverse up a one-way street and hit him and dragged him 50 feet. The guy tried to do a hit and run but they got him. Claydy was in a coma for a while. He was messed up and we were scared for a long time. It was Clady’s accident that was an eye-opener and made me not want to waste any time ever. His whole part was filmed before he was hurt. Except for the last trick—the skitch on the taxi—that was filmed after he was better. Where it says, “You have to be greedy about living."

Tengu: God of Mischief is available to purchase at Mandible Claw.

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Kiev is not a city you'd immediately associate with fashion – especially in these days of passive-aggressive war with Russia. Yet, the Ukrainian capital loves fashion enough to have two fashion weeks; Ukrainian Fashion Week (UFW) is one and Kiev Fashion Days (KFD) is the other.

The main difference between UFW and KFD is their age. Last March, UFW held its 34th season while at the same time KFD celebrated three and a half years of existence. At its conception, KFD was created in reaction to UFW. Back then, UFW was a rather kitschy event – full of glitter, pretentious luxury and glamorous politicians’ wives in the frows.

Forever looking to the West, the organisers of KFD tried to set up an event of a more European level that would feature younger talent (in the end, that largely meant designers who were into minimalism). Their target audience was the fashion forward crowd, the hipsters and the so-called "creatives", while UFW was more for pop stars and rich men's wives.

Today, UFW is not as kitschy as it used to be and KFD is not as hipster. Both fashion weeks take place in decent venues, hold no less than 20 scheduled shows and presentations, attend to hundreds of guests and include educational programming and design competitions. Hiccups usually have to do with planning, a lack of funds and the quality of certain designs – which is normal for a country so young, with no long-standing fashion industry.

Basically it's a little hard to tell if either event is better than the other, but the rivalry between organisers is still alive and well.

Not that it should make much difference, but these photos were taken during Mercedes-Benz Kiev Fashion Days this year. For a deeper look into the scary and exciting world of Ukrainian Fashion Week, watch Charlet Duboc in Fashion Week International: Ukraine here.

See more of Kristina's work here

Photo via Wikipedia Creative Commons

Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of one to RACIST, with “one” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

–NBA legend Michael Jordan makes a shocking admission in an upcoming book about this life. The New York Post reported that in Michael Jordan: The Life by Ronald Lazenby, the Hall of Famer admits that as a teenager, he had contempt for all white people. Jordan grew up in North Carolina during the 1970s, in a hotbed of KKK activity. In the book, Jordan recounts a story where he threw a soda at a girl who called him a "nigger." 

“I was really rebelling. I considered myself a racist at the time. Basically, I was against all white people," Jordan is quoted as saying. Of course, saying you used to be a racist isn't a crime. There are a lot of awesome ex-racists out there. The guy from American History X, Paula Deen, the late Strom Thurmond, Michael Richards, and Mel Gibson all used to be racist. They saw the error of their ways and evolved. Same with Air Jordan. Eventually, Michael Jordan saw the many, many great things about white people. Golf, cigars, polo shirts, and money are all awesome. I bet some of Michael Jordan's best friends are white. I bet the guys who fly Michael Jordan's private plane and details his fleet of luxury automobiles are white. 

It's easy to hate when you are given ample reasons to do so. Having racial slurs (and actual physical objects) thrown at you is a pretty difficult rationale to quibble with, and I'm sure there are white people, Hispanics, Asians, and Native Americans who have similar reasons for being prejudiced. It's even harder to avoid feelings of ill will when you're trapped in a small town where races don't easily mix. Once Michael Jordan's talent developed and he was clearly destined to be special, it was no longer practical to hate.

As the world around you grows, so does your perspective. Maybe that doesn't always happen, but it does more often than not. Unfortunately, not everyone can be as wealthy and gifted as Michael Jordan. "Be Like Mike" is less a slogan than a thinly veiled taunt. People of all races benefit from more opportunity, even if they can't dunk. The more comfortable society becomes with ignoring economic and social disparities, the more racial tension will develop. If only people like Michael Jordan would speak up more. 5

Photo via Flickr User Mullan Alzheimer

–Former Florida Governor, Florida State Senator, Florida Education Commissioner, and Florida Attorney General (shit, this guy's had more jobs than Chris Hardwick, Ryan Seacrest, Carson Daly, and Charlie Rose combined)  Charlie Crist claimed in a recent TV appearance that he left the Republican Party mainly due to perceived racist attitudes in the GOP toward President Obama. The conventional wisdom is that Crist's willingness to give Obama a bro-hug during an event promoting the President's economic plan sealed his 2010 defeat to US Senate opponent Marco Rubio. In that race, Crist had already left the GOP to become an independent, but two years later, Crist went full donkey and re-registered as a Democrat.

His comments come at a pretty odd time, as he's engaged in a tight race with incumbent Republican Governor Rick Scott. Maybe it's Crist doubling down on his base, or just the act of a man who's had too much over-the-counter cough syrup, but this could seriously alienate him from the moderate voters that tend to swing an election in a purple state one way or another. Just to throw some salt in the wound, Crist's nemesis Senator Rubio called Crist's comments "absurd" and "ridiculous and silly" in an interview with Fox News. If a guy begging for support from within his own party is putting you on blast, you should probably take a second to reconsider your strategy. Also, Crist is one to talk about racism, since he's so orange that he's practically created his own brand new ethnicity. 5

Photo via Flickr User accidentalpaparazzi

–Kim Kardashian is speaking out about racism, which is sure to turn the tide of intolerance any day now. Kardashian posted a blog entry which details her newfound understanding of racial politics. She attributes this awareness to the birth of her first child, North West. Let this be a lesson to all of you out there: having a baby solves all of your problems. Not the world's problems, just yours. 1

The Most Racist Tweets of the Week:

u a nigger @michaeljordan

— YungSoySauce (@_iansewell) May 6, 2014

I refuse to go to indulge for happy hour I really hate you colored folks despite being a Coon

— Coonie J (@_JMoye) May 9, 2014

Steven is a dirty wetback who lives in bum fuck Texas cause he works for the drug cartel and smuggles cocaine into the US

— MissterJameson (@Spac3ghost) May 9, 2014

I look like a fuckin sand nigger right now.. Holy shit

— Shane (@Shane8oh1) May 8, 2014

Dice K you fuckin dune coon sand Muslim prick I hate your guts! Get your bags packed nd go back to your country where they might welcome you

— Broseph A. Spivey (@Spivey_Kid) May 6, 2014

Follow Dave Schilling on Twitter.

Photo courtesy The Salish Sea Sentinel.

The Stz'uminus (Chemainus) First Nation has enacted a blockade that spans its traditional territory in the Gulf Islands of BC. They say they’ve been let down by a recent Department of Fisheries and Oceans (DFO) policy decision to restrict their ability to culture geoducks, a hugely valuable clam species that is already harvested commercially in the area.

“We’re trying to send a message to DFO,” says Ray Gauthier, CEO of the Coast Salish Development Corporation and the man behind the blockade. “If you’re not going to acknowledge our interests… then we’re going to reclaim the area.”

Nobody from DFO was made available speak with VICE, but the agency sent a statement, saying: “Officials are engaged in ongoing discussions with the Stz’uminus to understand their concerns and interest.”

It’s the “ongoing” part that has enraged the First Nation.

Six years ago they applied for permission to conduct a 100-hectare geoduck aquaculture operation in the waters off their reserve near Nanaimo. The undeniably phallic clams grow up to a metre long, and can sell for $50 a kilo to Asian markets.

The clams in question. Photo via Flickr.

Band officials saw the lucrative geoduck harvest as a chance to build the local economy and make the reserve more self-sufficient. “We don’t have our hand out here,” says Gauthier. “We’re not asking for money.”

But the plan stalled. Then, after two years of frustration, the First Nation blockaded commercial operations in Kulleet Bay in 2010, preventing the divers from getting in the water. “The message was, if we can’t have access to the industry, then neither can you,” Gauthier recalls.

They threatened to blockade the bay again the following year, but the commercial geoduck harvesters steered clear. A few weeks ago, the First Nation was given a one-time opportunity to apply to harvest in five hectares. They say it’s not enough. “This new policy that was supposed to address aboriginal interests simply doesn’t,” says Gauthier.

Now they’re blockading much more than just one fishery in just one bay: they’re planning on blocking access to “all vessels including but not limited to commercial fishing vessels, DFO vessels and any non-native civilians and government officials,” within their traditional territory. That territory spans from Active Pass to Gabriola Island, heavily used areas in the Gulf Islands.

Gauthier says the issue is that the government is shirking its duty to consult with First Nations prior to making decisions regarding resources they have the right to use. “It doesn’t mean you have a meeting and it’s all good, he says. “They’re having trouble with the concept.”

That alleged failure to consult has attracted the interest of “ten or twelve” other First Nations. Meaning, depending on the outcome, this protest could grow. No confrontations have occurred yet, but Gauthier says the blockade is in full swing.

“In our world it’s already begun.”

@j_ws_t

Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Here’s some very good news: After two decades of steady decline, teen pregnancy rates have hit a record low in the US, plummeting in every state and across ethnic groups, according to new research from the Guttmacher Insitute. The study, released this week, found that just six percent of women between the ages of 15 and 19 got pregnant in 2010, which means that there were 57 pregnancies for every 1,000 teenage girls. That’s a stunning 51 percent drop from the peak rate in 1990, and a 15 percent decrease from 2008 alone.

Teen abortion and birth rates have similarly declined from their respective peaks, although the drop off has been less dramatic.

Image courtesy of the Guttmacher Institute 

“We’ve known that birth rates were falling, but this is something different—now we know that it’s because fewer teens are actually becoming pregnant in the first place,” said lead author Kathryn Kost, a Guttmacher researcher. “The takeaway is that it appears teens are taking control of their sexual and reproductive lives.”

“I think we’re probably seeing the wider impact of efforts to ensure teens can access the information and contraceptive services they need to prevent pregnancies,” Kost added. But she conceded that the report doesn’t offer much to explain the trend. “This is basically a statistical report to put on the table, and look at what we have,” she said. “Really the next step is asking why? What can we do to figure out what is causing these declines?”

It’s easy to see the numbers as proof that progressive sexual health policies, like expanding health care coverage for birth control and cutting off funding for abstinence-only education, are working—and that conservative opposition to said policies is just backwards paternalism and vagina fear-mongering. But while birth control and comprehensive sex ed obviously play a role in lowering the teen pregnancy rate, that’s not the whole story. A deeper look at the data on teen sexuality reveals a much more nuanced picture, raising big questions about what is actually behind the dramatic drop in teen pregnancies, births, and abortions. Clearly some teenage girls have figured out a way to avoid getting pregnant. But what exactly it is that they are doing—and why—remains a mystery.

Of course, it’s not all good news. Despite the downward trends, the US still has more teen births than any other industrialized nation. According to the report, there were still some 614,000 teen pregnancies in 2010—a huge number that doesn’t include 11,000 pregnancies among girls aged 14 and below. The study also found that while teen pregnancy declined nationally, progress from state to state has been uneven, and pregnancy rates among black and Hispanic teens remain twice as high as rates for white teens.

“One of the nation's great national success stories over the past two decades has been the truly stunning declines in teen pregnancy and childbearing,” said Bill Albert, the chief program officer for The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancies. “But when we talk about all of this good news, we do have to temper it a bit with a glass half-empty interpretation.”

The most obvious, albeit slightly surprising, explanation for the decline in pregnancy rates is that teens are actually having less sex than they used to. According to federal data, 57 percent of teen girls reported that they were virgins in 2010, up from 49 percent in 1995. That timeline closely corresponds to the heyday of abstinence-only sex ed, which started getting federal funding as part of the 1996 Welfare Reform Act and turned into a billion industry under the George W. Bush administration before the Obama administration slashed abstinence spending in 2009. Interestingly, CDC studies have found that since 2002, the number one reason most teens, male or female, give for not having had sex is that it is “against their religion or morals.” All of which suggests that telling kids they should wait to have sex—or alternatively, warning them that premarital sex will turn you into a prostitute and/or junkie, as the Las Vegas Police Department did at a “Choose Purity” event last weekend—might actually be working, at least for some teens.

“The Guttmacher report doesn’t really address the fact that there is an increase in the number of high-school students who are waiting to have sex,” said Valerie Huber, president of the National Abstinence Education Association. “Anyone who wants to have an honest dialogue about this has to acknowledge the fact that in the midst of a highly sexualized cultures, teens are holding off on having sex.”

Abstinence-only or otherwise, sex ed is horrifying, so it’s not totally surprising that it has scared kids out of having sex. Add to that the Teen Mom tabloid horror show and crying-toddler PSAs, and it’s safe to say teen girls are getting the message that having a baby is really fucking terrible.

But while the overall teen pregnancy rate includes a substantial number of young women who have never had intercourse, the Guttmacher report also found that pregnancy has also declined among teens who are having sex, dropping 43 percent from its 1990 peak to a rate of about 127 pregnancies per 1,000 women. It’s worth noting, too, that most girls haven’t had any sex education by the time they lose their virginity, according to a recent CDC report, which calls the mistiming a “missed opportunity to introduce medically accurate information on abstinence and effective contraceptive use.”

It is true that kids are using contraception way more than they did back in the days before AIDS and the Moral Majority, when bras were optional and everyone was having cowboy sex. But just because teen pregnancy rates are falling doesn’t mean that teens are practicing safe sex. About half of new STD infections in the US are contracted by people under age 25, and girls ages 15-19 have the largest number of reported cases of gonorrhea and chlamydia, according to the most recent CDC statistics. Moreover, data shows that rates of contraception use among teens didn’t change much between 2002 and 2010, although teen pregnancy rates fell by about 18 percent during that period.

“There seems to be an unsolvable mystery here,” said Bill Albert. “Teen sex has gone down, but it has leveled off, contraceptive use continues to creep up a little bit. But pregnancy rates have fallen off the charts. And yet the STD rates remain quite high.”

So what exactly is it that teen girls are doing to avoid getting knocked up? Maybe it’s as simple as taking Plan B, which wasn’t available at pharmacies until 2006 (and even then, only with a prescription for women under age 17.) Or maybe teen girls are just telling their boyfriends to pull the fuck out. Maybe it’s some combination of factors, and teen girl magic. Whatever it is, finding the answer could unlock the secret to helping the too-high number of teen girls that are still getting pregnant.

“As with all things, the more targeted you can get, the narrower you can refine the message, the more successful you can be,” said Albert. “The wrong message to take from the new data is that we can pack up our tents and go home. It's not like we found a vaccination.” 

GOP Rep. John Mica assuring himself a place in the history books. Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Debates about drug legalization tend to take place in exotic places like Uruguay and the state of Colorado that US political elites in Washington, DC, can dismiss as far away dens of nefarious hedonism. So it hit a bit closer to home a few weeks ago when the local city council voted overwhelmingly to decriminalize pot in the streets of DC, raising the specter (in the most paranoid minds, at least) of choom gangs harassing lawmakers as they make their way between Capitol Hill and swanky parties with corporate lobbyists.

Mayor Vincent Gray quickly signed the bill, which would render most possession offenses civil violations with fines rather than jailtime, as is already the case in 17 states ranging from Alaska to New York. And normally, that would be that. But because this is our nation's capital, one where the mostly black population has lacked legitimate representation since America's founding, federal lawmakers on Friday morning held a goofy hearing about what the crazy natives have been up to. In fact, if both houses of Congress were to pass a bill blocking the DC law before it goes into effect this summer, all it would take is a signature from Mr. Choom Gang himself to negate it entirely.

Given the way the hearing started, that outcome did not seem completely beyond the realm of possibility.

"Marijuana is an addicting substance. There’s a myth out there that it’s not," said Republican Congressman John Fleming of Louisiana, who annnounced plans to introduce a bill blocking the decriminalization law during a break from the proceedings. The GOP chair of the House Oversight Committee that conducted the hearing, Rep. John Mica, went so far as to brandish a fake joint apparently assembled by his staff—"They have more experience," he said—and warn that pot is a gateway to more serious drugs, a refrain most of us have been hearing from cranky old people our entire lives. (Mica complained there was no way to submit the doobie to the congressional record: “I can’t submit this … as I said, it’s a faux joint.")

But legalization advocates I canvassed immediately after the hearing are confident the law will survive, in part because the national trendlines are clear at this point—even many Republicans don't want to look like old school drug warriors anymore, as it just kills them with young libertarians. And advocacy for the DC bill centered on the fact that weed arrests disproportionately affect black youth even though they use the drug no more often than whites, not the idea that we should be free to get high.

"The DC decriminalization bill is fundamentally about racial justice," said Seema Sadanandan, program director of the American Civil Liberties Union of the Nation's Capital and one of the experts who testified at the hearing. "We don't want this to become a flashpoint for some partisan battle." (To his credit, Rep. Mica acknowledged the racial bias in drug arrests to be a problem, even if he was skeptical decriminalization would fix it.) The strategy is poised to bear fruit.

"DC decriminalization will take effect in mid-July," Bill Piper, director of national affairs at the Drug Policy Alliance, e-mailed me confidently. "There's no way Congress can stop it before then. Fleming's resolution will never pass, and even an appropriations rider would come long after decriminalization takes effect."

The rider he's talking about is a more surreptitious way lawmakers might block DC's decriminalization plans. Indeed, it's how they gutted a medical marijuana ballot initiative city voters passed in 1998. Each year, the House of Representatives passes a financial services funding bill that includes money for the District of Columbia, and theoretically lawmakers could include language prohibiting any of that cash from being spent on enforcing the new law. But because the spending bill isn't likely to pass until late this year—if it passes at all, no slam dunk given how dysfunctional Congress has been lately—DC's new law will have already become reality. Turning back the clock on drug policy would be a stretch given the way the national winds are blowing, especially when combined with the crystal clear implications for the city's youth.

"It seems increasingly unlikely that congressional leadership will see interfering with DC's decriminalization law as a smart political move," said Tom Angell, founder of Marijuana Majority, a national legalization advocacy group. Of course, that doesn't mean the old dudes who run this country can't keep acting like reactionary buffoons to remind us how out of touch they are.

Follow Matt Taylor on Twitter.

The VICE News Capsule is a news roundup that looks beyond the headlines. This week Syrian rebels blow up an Aleppo hotel used by government soldiers, Venezuelan security forces arrest more than 200 students in the latest crackdown on protests, American fast food workers plan to strike across 150 cities, and Pakistani families resort to risky measures to vaccinate their children against polio.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user waltarrrrr

It may be unjust, but nobody will ever consider you classy after Bill Clinton penetrates you with a cigar and has “oral-anal contact” with you. Don’t tell that to Monica Lewinsky, Hillary Clinton’s least favorite “narcissistic loony tune” who is talking about the sex scandal that defined her life in a personal essay in Vanity Fair, the magazine for respectable wealthy people who like their celebrity sleaze swaddled in $8,000 dresses. (It’s not online, but you can read bits of it here.)

Lewinsky writes she decided to share her story with the world after she talked to her mom about Tyler Clementi, an 18-year-old Rutgers student who jumped off the George Washington Bridge because his roommate secretly filmed his gay hook-up. During their conversation, Lewinsky’s mother burst into tears because Clementi’s suicide reminded her of the times her daughter considered suicide after Matt Drudge broke the news of Lewinsky’s affair with Bill Clinton. “Perhaps by sharing my story, I reasoned,” Lewinsky writes, “I might be able to help others in their darkest moments of humiliation.”

Clementi committed suicide in 2010 and the trial of his roommate Dharun Ravi ended in 2012, so the timing of the essay is a little weird, but otherwise Lewinsky has a point: She was the first person to be at the center of a public scandal that unfolded in the age of the internet, the spiritual ancestor of women like Sydney Leathers, the sexter who brought down Anthony Weiner’s mayoral campaign.

One lesson to draw from Lewinsky’s life since she became the woman with whom the president did not have sexual intercourse is that it’s almost impossibly difficult to return to normal life after you get famous for something like that. After attending grad school in London, she writes, she struggled to make ends meet and had to occasionally take loans from family and friends. Respectable employers rejected her because of her history and the publicity that would presumably follow her, while others just want to profit from her image and story—she claims she’s been offered deals that would have made her upwards of $10 million.

If Lewinsky had embraced her identity as the world’s most famous other woman, she no doubt could have made a comfortable living, say, appearing in ads for cigars, breath mints, and phallic foods she could insert into her mouth on camera. She could have been Paris Hilton four years before The Simple Life aired. Instead of everyone talking about her reentry into public discourse with the Vanity Fair essay, we’d be wishing she’d shut up.

Instead Lewinsky tried to straddle exploiting her scandal-driven fame and respectability. She hosted a (short-lived) dating show, started a (failed) handbag line, and accepted a $500,000 deal to tell her story to a journalist instead of a rumored $5 million deal from Judith Regan, the controversial publishing mastermind behind OJ Simpson’s If I Did It and other insanely profitable celebrity books.

Lewinsky could afford to turn down offers like Regan’s because she had a well-off family she could rely on in times of financial crisis. Other stigmatized mistresses have had to take any deal they can get. In a personal Facebook status this week, Sydney Leathers, who made a porno and tried to auction off bits of her labia after her 15 minutes of fame as Weiner’s sexting partner, asked her followers to imagine if Lewinsky had come from her working-class background. Depending on your point of view, Leathers told me in a text, Lewinsky would have made smarter or lousier business decisions—but she definitely would have tried to cash in a lot more, rather than trying to simultaneously profit off her infamy and separate herself from her scandal and get back the trajectory her life was on pre-Clinton.

As the Vanity Fair essay shows, Lewinsky is still clinging to decorum. While discussing how Hillary Clinton called her a “narcissistic loony tune,” Lewinsky refers to Clinton as “Mrs. Clinton,” a move that virtually screams HIGH ROAD, as do lines like, “In 2008, when Hillary was running for president, I remained virtually reclusive, despite being inundated with press requests,” and, “recently I’ve found myself gun-shy yet again, fearful of ‘becoming an issue’ should she decide to ramp up her campaign.”

I was a bullied gay teen four years ago, and I can tell you that the vast majority of the young homos and other ostracized outsiders—the people Lewinsky is ostensibly writing to help—don’t empathize much with this longread-for-Vanity-Fair stuff. Thanks to the internet, there are dozens of places to find personal narratives where the stigmatized and abused share their stories. Tumblr has helped proliferate a culture of outrage, but it's also changed the national conversation about women by allowing anyone to publish a personal essay. These blog posts, along with reality TV, are slowly making Americans less prude. When Lewinsky’s sex acts were in the news thanks to the Starr Report, the details seemed salacious, but now all of that stuff will be on a single episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It’s so-called “low culture” like reality TV, internet confessionals, and cheesy pop music that speaks the language of the bullied.  

If Lewinsky truly wants to help outsiders, she shouldn’t remain silent or write high-minded essays—she should team up with Leathers, V Stiviano, and other alleged mistresses for a reality show, or a public outing coincidentally filmed by TMZ, that would celebrate their notoriety and actually help American outcasts. 

Follow Mitchell Sunderland on Twitter. 

Jim Ardis, the mayor of Peoria

On the night of April 15, police in Peoria, Illinois, raided the house of my friend Jon Daniel in response to his operating a parody Twitter account mocking Peoria mayor Jim Ardis. The incident sparked a media firestorm, with Peoria all of a sudden being covered by national outlets like Al Jazeera and the Washington Post, and Ardis was condemned for what looked like a clear violation of the First Amendment. (Daniel is not being charged with any crime in connection with the Twitter account because, obviously, it’s not illegal to mock a public official.)

What wasn’t clear at the time was how intimately involved Ardis and Chief of Police Steve Settingsgaard were in ordering the raid, but according to emails obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request, city officials were so eager to nail the author of the parody Twitter account that they had a detective comb through Illinois statutes to find something to charge him with, in the process bungling the legal aspects of the case and drawing the ire of local citizens.

Ardis and others learned of the account on March 11 and sent dozens of emails over the next few days, apparently panicked by the idea that someone with a few dozen Twitter followers was making fun of the mayor. On March 12, Ardis himself asked City Manager Patrick Urich, “Any chance we can put a sense of urgency on this?” Urich passed that request on to Settingsgaard, saying, “Quickly please.”

On March 13, Ardis emailed Settingsgaard and told him he wanted to pursue criminal charges against whoever was running the account, @peoriamayor, apparently unaware that no crime had been committed. “I will absolutely prosecute,” the mayor wrote to the chief. “Bring it on.”

A day later, the first of three search warrants relating to the case was filed. At that time, the account had already been marked a parody, according to documents gleaned from one of three FOIA requests filed by Muckrock.

A screenshot of some of the parody account's Tweets.

Parody accounts are allowed by Twitter as long as they are clearly marked as satire, and the social network informed city officials of this after they requested to have the account shut down. Despite this, and despite the fact that Twitter ended up suspending the account on March 20, Ardis and Settingsgaard continued to press the matter for weeks afterward.

“It's not a joke & it's not funny,” Ardis wrote to Settingsgaard on April 16, the day after the raid. “I want this Prosecuted because what they did was WRONG.”

The next day Ardis and Settingsgaard exchanged several emails after an Associated Press reporter contacted the pair seeking comment on the raid—by then, the story was becoming a national punchline. Settingsgaard sought the mayor’s permission to talk with the journalist.

“Jim, do you have a problem with me speaking (to the reporter) and telling them that this account violated Illinois law, with no indication that it was meant to be a parody until well into the investigation, and that you filed a criminal complaint?” Settingsgaard wrote to Ardis. “I can also ignore it and let them spin it the way they want to spin it.”

“Go ahead,” Ardis responded. “And tell them you couldn’t print what (Daniel) wrote in the paper or say it on TV because it was so crude.”

“I like that,” Settingsgaard replied. “For anyone in the media who would like to say that we should not prosecute this, I challenge them to print or cite what was written there word for word. It was patently offensive.”

The tweets Daniel posted portrayed Ardis as partying and hanging out with strippers, a la Toronto’s Rob Ford. For instance, on March 12 @peoriamayor tweeted, “2 fucking things to get off my chest. 1. If you don’t like Peoria and u wanna sit here and bitch about den leave. 2. Who stole my crackpipe?” The day before, Daniel had the fake mayor say, “Im up all night and woke up with pussy on my breath and blood shot eyes and we got people talking about live tweeting. Let me do my job u do urs.”

Though Settingsgaard presumably agreed with the mayor that the tweets were a nasty piece of work, he didn’t think they constituted a crime, and neither did James Feehan, a detective the chief consulted with. In a March 11 email sent to Ardis, Settingsgaard expressed this belief (emphasis mine):

“Mayor/Manager, I reviewed this matter with Detective Feehan. He is in the process of shutting down the account as you saw from my last email. This phony Twitter account does not constitute a criminal violation in that no threats are made. I'm not sure if it would support a civil suit for defamation of character. I'm not an expert in the civil arena but my recollection is that public officials have very limited protection from defamation. I asked (Ardis) about identity theft and he advised it did not qualify because the statute requires the use of personal identifying information such as a social security number, DOB, etc., and a financial gain form (sic) the use of that information. Twitter does not require identifying information other than an email address and name, and there appears to be no financial gain.”

The email was backed up by one Feehan sent that same morning (again, emphasis mine):

“I looked at the comments and photographs posted by the suspect. Nothing contained within amounts to criminal violations. However, there are tweets posted by the individual which amount to defamation. Without a subpoena issued to Twitter to obtain the IP address of the account creator, there is not much else we can do. I did send Twitter the report of the impersonating account and requested it be removed asap.”

That reading of the law—that Daniel hadn't committed a crime when he posed as a grotesque version of Ardis—shifted over the next two days. The change in opinion came when Feehan discovered Illinois statute 720 ILCS 5/17-2, which dealt with “false personification.” Settingsgaard reported to Ardis:

“Feehan is preparing a notice to advise Twitter that the account violates Illinois law and an order that would cause Twitter to preserve the record for evidentiary purposes. Is it correct to assume that you wish to prosecute the offender criminally? It is a misdemeanor but it is still a crime. If so we can proceed on it. Feehan will need to meet with you to take a formal complaint from you.

We will also check with the (State’s Attorney’s Office) to make sure we are interpreting and applying this new statute correctly. I believe we are.”

Peoria County Judge Kirk Schoenbein agreed, and on March 14 authorized the warrant that allowed police to obtain the IP address linked to the parody account. Judge Lisa Wilson signed off on another warrant on March 29 that gave police the right to obtain a massive store of data from Comcast, the internet service provider at the home of Daniel’s roommate Jake Elliott (who, thanks to the raid, is now dealing with an unrelated drug charge for possession of marijuana). In his search warrant affidavit, detective Stevie Hughes wrote that there was “probable cause to believe” that the seized data would contain “evidence, fruits, contraband, and instrumentalities of the dissemination and possession of child pornography.”

Far left, the author, middle, Jake Elliott, far right, Jon Daniel

But that wasn’t enough.

Police had a name and an address. And they thought they had the person behind the account in Elliott. So Hughes filed for a third warrant, this one allowing police to seize electronics from the home. The warrant was approved by Peoria County Judge Kim Kelley, and called for the seizure of numerous electronic devices as well as “heroin, cocaine, and drug paraphernalia.”

None of that stuff was found in the home, and in fact the premise of the raid—that someone was violating 720 ILCS 5/17-2—was legally shaky. While the subsection of the statute that deals specifically with public officials makes it a crime to impersonate one in person, it does not specifically state that doing so online is a criminal act. This caveat was addressed in an email sent from Settingsgaard to Urich on April 18—three days after the raid—that had “Twitter problem” as the subject line.

“Det. Feehan is going to review with [Peoria County State’s Attorney Jerry] Brady on Monday but there may be an internet exception to the impersonating statute. If it is exempt, everyone missed it from the investigators to the (State’s Attorney’s Office) and the judges.”

Following the raid, police interrogated Elliott and his girlfriend, Michelle Pratt, about the parody account and took Daniel and another roommate in for questioning. At that time Daniel refused to talk, but told me police confiscated his phone without his consent as part of their investigation. Late on April 17, city staff began talking about the swelling media attention. In one email thread between city employee Rachel Cook and Chief Information Officer Sam Rivera, they discussed the backlash to the police raid that was being directed at the city’s official Facebook and Twitter pages. Rivera linked to a CNET.com story about the raid and said, “It’s only going to get worse.” By the next day, Rivera saw fit to forward his email exchanges with Cook to Ardis, Settingsgaard, City Manager Patrick Urich.

Just a few moments before sharing the thread, Cook asked Rivera: “Does mayor (sic), (City Attorney Sonni Williams), or Settingsgaard know how widespread this is yet?”

If they didn’t by then, they soon would.

Peoria County State's Attorney Jerry Brady at a press conference April 25. Brady announced that day that no charges would be filed in relation to the Twitter account.

Four days later, on April 22, Ardis, Urich, and Williams were grilled by members of the Peoria City Council over what had become known as the “Twitter raid.” Additionally, several citizens spoke in damning terms about the actions of police, the mayor, and whoever else had been involved in the investigation. None were as scolding as Elliott’s grandmother Caroline, though, who spoke in soft but admonishing tones to Ardis and told him that while the account was certainly not in the best taste, it didn’t amount to a crime.

“It was my grandson in that house. And the stories he’s telling, and the other kids who are in that house are telling, are absolutely ridiculous,” she said. “I just wonder, what happened with you sending the squad to my grandson’s residence?

“I don’t think you need to use your employees as weapons to get even with the citizens of this city," she went on. "We have the right to stand up for what we believe in. We have the right to have freedom of speech in this country.”

Caroline Elliott’s sentiment was echoed in dozens of emails sent from around the country and the world. The communications are part of nearly 200 emails released through the FOIA request, which in addition to showing a massive amount of messages sent between police and city staff also show the full scope of vitriol from the Twittersphere.

“Keeping the world safe from Twitter. I guess there is no Constitutional Oath sworn by your officers,” a man named Dave wrote to the police department. “My sincere hope is your department feels the wrath of the web for your corrupt actions.”

Somewhat ironically, the tweets Ardis had called “filth” and “sexual doggeral” were G-rated compared to the threats of murder, maiming and rape coming from across the country. As the level of hatred in the complaint emails rose and climaxed, Ardis and the city government clammed up, in full-on damage control.

When I emailed Settingsgaard for comment, he defended the handling of the case, saying the number of emails between the cops and city employees over the Twitter raid was “not typical but not unheard of either.” When I said that many saw the whole case as an egregious waste of taxpayer resources, he replied, “I don't believe there were as many man hours spent on the case as some would believe. Oftentimes people equate the amount of media coverage with the amount of time spent by the police on the case when the two have little to no relationship.” (You can read his full responses to my questions here.)

For his part, Brady said his office’s involvement in what has turned into a national debacle that has caused many to question whether a lawsuit could punish Ardis and the city for possible First and Fourth Amendment violations, was done by the book.

“From our standpoint this is how investigations normally proceed,” Brady said. “Communication may have been more broad just due to the nature of this alleged offense—that it did involve a public official.”

Ardis did not return an email seeking comment. Settingsgaard did.

Justin Glawe is a freelance journalist who lives in Peoria. He chronicles crime and violence there.

Photo via Facebook.
Tom Green’s singularly oddball sense of shock humour introduced the concept of trolling to millions of people around the world and left an indelible imprint on comedy, readily apparent in shows like Jackass and The Eric Andre Show.

After hosting a talk show in his house for five years, Tom’s back in the public eye in full force: he hosts a late-night talk show on Mark Cuban’s AXS TV, is pushing his own line of beer and has a residency as a stand-up at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas.

In addition to his Vegas gig, Tom regularly tours North America. Tom’s in Toronto tonight for two shows at Yuk Yuk’s (8:00, 10:30), so we’re giving away a couple of pairs of tickets to two randomly selected people who email us the title of their favourite Tom Green movie or sketch and their preferred showtime for tonight at contests.canada@vice.com. Do holler.

Painting by Kunisada Surimono. Image courtesy of Wikipedia Commons

If you aren’t masturbating right now, you should be. May is International Masturbation Month, which means if you have been celebrating properly, you should have carpal tunnel and a very sticky laptop. If you haven’t, you should clear your weekend plans for some five-knuckle shuffle.

Good Vibrations, a sex toy shop in San Francisco, declared May 7, 1995 to be the first National Masturbation Day, after President Bill Clinton fired Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders because she suggested that masturbation be included in sex education as a way to combat the spread of AIDS. Obviously, one day was not enough to dedicate to practice self-love, so the entire month was soon devoted to rubbing one out.

Since I think everyone should take advantage of their right to masturbate all month long, I have rounded up the best masturbatory tools for your pleasure. It’s time for you to spend some quality time with you.

Fresh Brew Love Skin® Masturbator Vagina

Want to masturbate discreetly on your morning commute or during a boring meeting? You can do it with this masturbator that is disguised as a coffee cup. No one will even notice you're dunking your dick in the java like a jelly doughnut. Buy it here for $11.

XM Midi Ring Vibrator

This is the only ring that matters during Masturbation Month. It will give you more pleasure than a bulky carbon stone any day. All your friends will be jealous. Buy it here for $74.95.

Keith Haring Tenga

Tenga makes your dick feel like it’s been sucked up by a vacuum cleaner—in a good way. This one is extra special because it was designed by Keith Haring, so you can keep it around for decoration or regift when you’re finished. Buy it here for $9.99.

Lovelife Smile Discreet Vibrator

All women need this Smile vibrator in their life. It knows you better than you know yourself. It has adjustable speeds and fits in your pocket. I think God created it. Buy it here for $59.

Bordello Saskia

Who doesn’t want to fuck a lady piledriver-style? Plus the description says she is an educated conversationalist who loves to laugh. Clearly this fine little lady will keep you entertained for hours and won’t complain about cramping up. Buy it here for $118.

Cheeky Pets Three Speed Vibe

This is for all the animal lovers out there. This three-speed vibrator comes in various shapes such as bear, alligator, and walrus. If you ever had the urge to shove a cute creature into your vagina, here is your chance. You can even cuddle it when you’re done. Buy it here for $28.82.

"Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation"

A little reading material between petting the pussy will help you have an even better orgasm the next go-round. Buy it here for $15.95.

Realistic Tongue Vibrator

I was drawn to this product because it’s shaped like a tongue, but after further observation, the color makes it look like it belongs to Gollum. I think some chicks dig that, so I am keeping it on the list. Buy it here for $14.39.

Lonely and Lusty Inflatable Love Doll

Masturbation Month is a time to embrace being lonely and lusty. This love doll has a ribbed love tunnel and a deep throat. Just look at that face. You might have to call off of work for this one. Buy it here for $86.01.

Penthouse® Secrets Bath Bliss

This kit is all about relaxing and romancing. Light a candle, blow up the bath pillow, and give yourself the best orgasm of your life with the multi-speed massager. Buy it here for $29.99.

Misty Stone Butt Fleshlight

This is an exact replica of Misty’s gorgeous booty hole. If you are looking to get some backdoor action, this is the obvious way to go. Just close your eyes and you'll really feel like you're inside of her large intestine. Buy it here for $59.96.

Animal Delight Dual Rotating Vibe

This new product also incorporates animal buddies into your orgasms. This time they just vibe on your girly parts as a cute little reminder they’re there. Buy it here for $69.99.

I hope you have a great time playing with yourself. Happy Masturbation Month!

Follow Erica Euse on Twitter.

Yo yo yee-yah! It's Saturday and 82 degrees in New York City, which means it's time for the Week In GIFs. Catch up on what you didn't hear about this week because you were out getting drunk and being a degenerate!
 

GIFs by Daniel Stuckey

Some woman filmed her abortion, and YouTube was nonplussed. Expected and arguably hypocritical considering how popular scat videos are on there. Either way, all-around dumb and in my opinion a bigger challenge to the concept of privacy (my privacy, to be clear) than even the NSA leaks.

“Cannibal Cop” (awesome title for a movie, btw) Gilberto Valle is responsible for cooking breakfast and lunch for his fellow inmates at the Metropolitan Correctional Center. At least that's what the New York Daily News was told by his mommy dearest, who still thinks he's a “good kid” despite making intricate plans about how he was going to kidnap, kill, cook, and eat his then-wife and 100 other women on a fetish website. Valle and his mom say it was all fantasy. His current inmates say, “Why does this chili taste so weird!?!?” Just kidding, but they should.

In other food-related news, despite what you may have heard, a high school student in Bakersfield, California, DID NOT bake splooge into cupcakes and then feed it to bully classmates who had picked on her. But she did serve them up, smiled widely while they chowed down, and then after they were finished tell them that stuff like pubes, jizz, expired food, and pills had been on the ingredients list. Sites like Gawker hedged against the story with a “grain of salt” but haven't bothered to correct it. And that's because... sites like Gawker have no souls? Or maybe they're just lazy. 

In other fake news that Gawker and other lame-brained sites purported to be real, we have the case of the girl who was hit in the head with a shovel and hours later dropped dead from head injuries while watching Mean Girls. It doesn't take a punch-up guy working out of a West Hollywood CBTL to figure out that this was a load of shit. Again, Gawker offered no correction because, hey, traffic... but to be fair, I'm not sure if the post was written by a staffer or a glorified commenter considering that there is barely any distinction between the two these days. Cuz, hey, who needs editors! Fuck 'em! 

There was bad news in São Paulo earlier in the week, when yet another worker died while rushing to finish a stadium ahead of the World Cup. This guy was electrocuted and later died of cardiorespiratory arrest, making it the eighth fatality attributed to World Cup preparations. Sadly, something tells us that's going to only be a drop in the bucket once the favelas start heating up. Or that “something” is us, because we reported on it for our HBO show.

Something I wish was headline news every day: A few lion cubs at the Smithsonian passed their mandatory swim test. Hooray! 

Runner-up for most awesome news of the week goes to this ATM that spits acid at would-be robbers when someone tries to bust it open. In your face, literally, dickheads! 

Monica Lewinsky made headlines earlier this week by writing a piece for Vanity Fair's latest issue, in which she expresses regret for getting caught giving Bill Clinton a blowjob while he was president. She also talks a bit of smack on Hillary, who (very) arguably is the only one who will gain long-term benefits from rehashing a scandal that was utterly boring in the first place. Monica, if you really want to make some headlines sell that dress at Christie's. Presidential semen increases the value of everything. Our weekend editor makes the best point of anyone by comparing Monica to Paris Hilton. 

Continuing the frenzy over killing supposedly killer sharks that's been going on for a bit now in Australia, the formal penal colony just murdered 50 of the largest sharks it could manage to catch because, one can only reason, they think Jaws is a documentary. At least they still have Outback Steakhouse!

This week’s Weediquette is a special treat from one of my favorite Philadelphians, a talented artist and musician named Steve Teare. I first met Steve at the M-Room (which is short for the Manhattan Room though the neighborhood looks like Camden, New Jersey), where he played guitar for MC Poop Dog, a foul-mouthed rapper who later changed his name to El Oso and wrote equally foul folk songs. At the time I had no idea that Steve could draw the shit out of comics. We reconnected a couple of months back, and he agreed to turn one of my Weediquette stories into a comic. I am delighted with the result, and I hope you like it too.

Here’s Steve’s rendition of “Blazing in the Woods.” Enjoy!

Steve Teare is an artist, musician, and teacher based in Philadelphia. Read Back and Forth, his ongoing web comic.

Follow T. Kid on Twitter. 

In an effort to curb further unrest, the Ukrainian government canceled the majority of the Victory Day parades across the country. Commemorating the victory over Nazi Germany during WWII, Victory Day came at a convenient time for the pro-Russia rebels. Claiming they're fighting a fascist junta in Kiev, the Donetsk Peoples Republic used the symbolism of Victory Day to boost support for their independence referendum on Sunday.

As the Donetsk city council organized an official celebration, people gathered in the square to listen to speeches filled with Soviet nostalgia. Halfway through the event, it was announced that there had been deadly clashes in Mariupol, a port city to the south. VICE News headed down there to investigate the clashes that proved to be another major escalation in the Ukrainian crisis.

Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Sex seems to be the only part of the pregnancy and birth process that all mothers endorse.* Sure, there are some glowing ladies in muumuus who seem to breeze through pregnancy, while others swell and vomit and grow full lady-beards, and others who claim the whole endeavor was “like, so natural, I just had to let it happen,” but for the most part, the process of giving birth is, as a friend and new mother recently told me, “no fucking joke.”

I have to imagine she is correct. In the best case scenario, childbirth is about a full day of sweating, dilating, pushing, shitting, and leaking fluids. BEST CASE. Sure, you end up with a baby you love and plan to raise into the first woman president to invent an eco-friendly cure for cancer, and your body really jacks itself up on cozy love hormones to help you forget what just happened, but there’s no way around it: Giving birth is hard. 

By the way, have you called your mother yet today?

I'm going to leave that passive-aggressively hanging in the air, true mom-style, and plunge right into a full description of how all of us ungrateful little turds came to be.

First things first: Childbirth is beautiful and amazing. Of course it is. It’s also messy, gooey, farty, bloody, incredibly painful, and literally shitty. I’m not trying to knock the beauty of childbirth here. My friend gave birth to her daughter who was, she said, “literally covered in both her own shit and mine,” and my friend and her husband agreed that it was the most beautiful thing either of them had ever seen. I believe them. I also believe that pushing that hard would let out a world of sounds, gases, fluids, and solids that would make the whole process a straight up nightmare. A beautiful one, I guess. 

If you’ve never been present at a birth, there is a truly unbelievable number of videos on YouTube of women squatting in paddling pools and lying in hospital beds, shitting and pushing and birthing for all the world to see. It’s fascinating, inspiring, and vaguely horrifying.

Early labor lasts between eight and 12 hours (!), and involves 30 to 45 second contractions that are roughly five to 30 minutes apart. These start slow, but get progressively more intense—think period cramps on steroids. At some point mom’s water breaks. While this sometimes happens as a massive Hollywood-style gush, many moms describe a “pop” (okay), followed by a “gush” (uh-huh), and then a “bunch of leaking” (oh no). Again, we're talking about the best case scenario. If it doesn’t break on its own, here’s what happens according to the Mayo Clinic (emphasis and profanity mine):

If your health care provider believes the amniotic sac should be opened during active labor—when your cervix is at least partially dilated and the baby's head is deep in your pelvis—he or she might use a technique known as an amniotomy to rupture the membranes. During the amniotomy, a thin plastic hook [fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck] is used to make a small opening in the amniotic sac. The procedure might cause some discomfort.

I’d imagine it might.

After the water has broken and contractions are coming harder, better, faster, and stronger, it’s time to go to wherever it is mom is planning on giving birth. Whether this is a hospital, birthing center, pool in your living room, or a nest dad made out of cushions and sheets, mom needs to get there. Advice on birth and caring for someone who is giving birth involves a LOT of parenthetical caveats, like “Focus on something other than the pain (this may be hard to do),” “Try to distract her from the contractions with a simple card game or massage (don’t think there is something wrong if she is not responding to you),” and “Don’t tell her that something is wrong if she seems to be angry (it’s a normal part of transition).” 

At this point a lot of strangers’ hands have been inside mom’s vagina. The strangers are professional doctors, nurses, doulas, and/or midwives, but I’m sure the situation is still uncomfortable. They are prodding up in there with their cold, gloved fingers, like mom’s a Thanksgiving turkey, checking to see how dilated her cervix is. (The cervix is normally a tiny slit, barely open at all. By the time your giant infant head is ready to burst out of there and into the world, it will be about ten centimeters, which is, as one website helpfully notes, about the circumference of a large bagel.)

Now we move to the second stage. (Information brought to you by the UK’s National Institute for Health and Care Excellence, whose acronym, NICE, has never been more ironic than during this description of the pushing stage.) This is the one you see on TV shows that includes breathing, screaming, and legs in stirrups. It is not always like that (see: this clip of Kourtney Kardashian calmly yanking her baby out of herself), but it does not sound fun. During this phase, according to Americanpregnancy.org, mom is likely experiencing strong urges to push, intense pressure at the rectum, burning, stinging, and a likely bowel or urination accident. According to one mother, “No one cares [if you poop during the second stage]. You don’t care. They don’t care. You shit and keep going.”

Eventually you start crowning, a process which, for mom’s vag, involves something Americanpregnancy.org calls “the ring of fire”—an intense burning and stinging from the stretching of the vaginal walls by your big stupid head. But don’t worry! This feeling of burning is closely followed by a feeling of numbness, which “comes from the baby’s head stretching the vaginal tissue so thin that the vaginal nerves are blocked,” and remember, “There is no set time frame for how long this step of delivery will last.” But wait, there’s more: There’s an entire NICE subsection regarding this phase of Perineal Trauma. The description led me to wince, cross my legs, and scream, “Oh no!” to myself.

More pushing, more tearing, possibly more shitting, and then you’re born. Congrats, you did nothing. You fed off your mom’s food and bodily fluids for 9 months and then you got into the appropriate position to rip her bottom half open so you could enter the world. And you don’t even look great, so she can’t Instagram you. Newborn babies have cone-shaped heads, puffy eyes, a fine coating of lanugo (downy hair), and vernix (which Americanpregnancy.org calls a “ cheesy substance that coats the fetus in the uterus”), plus enlarged genitals for some reason. Gross.

And even after you’re safely out of there, all gooey and hairy and loud, there are still a ton of horrible things happening to your mom’s long-suffering nether regions. There’s an entire “third birth stage” that doesn’t even START until you’re born. This third stage involves the passing of the placenta, also known as “afterbirth.” I don’t know how to break this to you, but at this point things are so wrecked down there, it takes another round of contractions and a few pushes for the placenta to gush out of the vagina like a bloody, amniotic waterfall. 

After all of that is finally over and everyone is cleaned up, stitched up, and dried off, your mom has to hang around having her underbutt area monitored for excessive bleeding. Birth is some Paul Thomas Anderson shit: There Will Be Blood.

This tale is, again, an ideal birth scenario. It does not include complications like the baby being in breach or umbilical cords wrapped around places they shouldn’t be, let alone any toilet labor scenarios as seen on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. It truly is no fucking joke. 

So let me ask you this: When you say you love someone, do you mean, “I would risk perineal trauma for you?” Do you mean, “I would let someone turn the area between my butt and vagina into some kind of kitchen and solarium extension project for you?” Do you mean, “I would have sex with your dad, your gross old dad, to give you, specifically, a chance to try it out in this big, crazy world?” 

I didn’t think so. 

I know there are lots of ways to express love, and that the physical trauma and emotional slog of childbirth don’t guarantee that you’ll feel loved by your mother, or even that she'll continue to demonstrate or feel love for you. But holy hell, it’s a pretty big ordeal to go through together right off the bat. She didn’t even know you yet! You could have grown up to be vegan, or get a Chinese symbol tattoo. Or like Mumford and Sons. Maybe you did! And sure, the two of you might not really jive, but that doesn’t take away what happened the first day you were born, when her body got all messed up and she pushed and screamed and shat in front of people so you could be alive. I’m saying motherhood is complicated. 

If you can, hug your mom today. Or call her! Call her and say, “I love you, mom. Sorry about your perineum.”

*If you are one of those people who gets grossed out by the idea of your mom having sex, you need to shut up. The woman who MADE YOU VIA SEX isn’t allowed a healthy active sex life? She did it that one time so you could be here, and you’re allowed to bang whoever you want, but that woman whose cells formed the first inklings of your penis or vagina should be cloistered? Nope. Nu-uh. You don’t have to want to be there. You don’t have to want to hear about it. But you do have to hope your mom is getting it hard** and on the regular.

**Assuming hard is how she likes it. I don’t know your mom. 

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