This article is supported by Monash University's Faculty of Arts. In this series, we ask a bunch of professors about issues relating to their industry.

I recently matched with this girl on Tinder who was so good looking it was weird. You know when someone’s facial features stir something in your brain that’s so overwhelming it’s actually confusing? Like, how is your face doing that? And yes, I know that Tinder photos can be misleading, but I put in an extra bit of work into composing the perfect message, just in case. And after about 20 minutes I sent this off thinking I’d got the words just right.

But she didn’t respond. Not on the first day, or the first week, and then I realised that her non-response was preceded by a long list of other non-responses. And then I had this moment of clarity about Tinder: I’m pretty bad at it.

Maybe the problem is I’m always trying to be too interesting. My idea of a nightmare is being asked how my week/weekend/night is going, so I basically do the opposite, and get way too deep way too quickly. I just know that my texts don’t make a lot of sense on a second reading and I don’t get many replies.

I needed some help.

Dr Howards Manns is a linguist and his bio describes his area of expertise as examining “how speakers use stancetaking to construct heterogeneous identities as well as to accomplish moment-to-moment goals.” And that basically means examining how people get what they want through language.

I started by sending Howard and his PHD student Jess Birnie-Smith a series of my Tinder screenshots. I included my bio and three unrequited conversations I’d had in the past few months. What was I doing wrong?

“Well, one issue is that you don’t actually give much away,” explained Howard, who was scrolling through my screenshots. “Take your bio, for example. We both thought the bio was funny, but you haven't revealed anything about yourself, which is fine, but then you don’t reveal anything about yourself in your openings either. So you’re not encouraging the other person to reveal anything about themselves.”

“Offers of personal information can be reciprocated with other personal information,” echoed Jess. “Offering personal info gives someone the sense that you’re more trustworthy and authentic.”

They were right. Without consciously examining it, I’d always assumed that priority number one on Tinder was being funny. It’s hard to be funny about yourself when the other person doesn’t know you, so I assumed the best strategy was to be funny (and complimentary!) about them—based on their photos. In this below example, I noticed that nearly all of this girl's photos featured a dreamcatcher. So rather than discussing my own non-existent history with dreamcatchers, I figured I’d discuss hers.

But Howard and Jess thought that I was coming across as subtly glib and maybe judgemental.

“The way you've constructed these compliments means you’re constructing a judgment,” Jess said. “It might be consistent with your own personal point of view, but not necessarily consistent with her point of view on how she relates to herself.”

I knew what they meant, but I was also a bit like “SHE HAD DREAMCATCHERS.” Still, they thought that before I know someone in the slightest, it was safest to start with a compliment and then pivot to something about myself. Because the root issue, explained Howard, is that men and women use language in different ways.

I remember finding a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus when I was about 17 and reading “men and women seldom mean the same thing when they use the same words,” and deciding that life was too complicated. The book, written in 2004, is antiquated in 2017, but it helped to popularise the idea of gendered communication and certainly opened the idea for me. So on the topic of dreamcatchers, I asked Jess and Howard to explain how communication styles differ.

“It's not always the case, but women more often speak and hear a language of intimacy and connection,” explained Howard, “Men, on the other hand, tend to approach conversation not necessarily in a supportive way—but sometimes in a way that puts themselves centre stage.” The trick, they both agreed, was to balance providing enough info about myself, while asking questions about her to foster intimacy. It was kind of stupidly obvious, to the point where I was surprised I wasn’t already doing that.

“Oh, and keep using positive language,” said Jess. “You’re coming across very upbeat and positive and that’s a good thing. Keep doing that.”

The last thing they recommended was identifying what it was I was looking for. “Language is a goal-driven endeavour, so it can be useful to understand what those goals are, and/or what kind of dating identity “type” you're trying to construct,” explained Howard. They explained that my profile and style currently read as though I was looking for something casual. “People studying dating profiles have suggested that guys pitch or get interpreted as either a “cad” (short-term relationship) or “dad” (long-term relationship) type.”

I told them I was probably looking for something casual, with potential for more (pending love), and they agreed my profile was about right. But I’d just have to give more away in the conversation and ask questions. I thanked them and got swiping.

Notice the compliment, followed by the personal anecdote, followed by the question, followed by the reply from a woman. Of course, this could be random but the signs are good.

This article is supported by Monash University's Faculty of Arts. You can find out more about the Master of Applied Linguistics here.

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands

It’s not really Christmas until people in the Netherlands start arguing about whether the racist Christmas character Zwarte Piet – Black Pete – is actually racist. The Zwarte Pieten are meant to be Santa's team of helpers, who – as their name subtly alludes to – are black. His character is celebrated on Sinterklaas (St Nicholas) day – an annual Dutch holiday on the 5th of December, which heavily features white people dressing up as Piet by splashing on blackface.

At this year's celebration, angry pro-Piet supporters set up roadblocks on the streets leading into the small northern Dutch village of Dokkum, to block anti-Piet demonstrators from protesting the area's Sinterklaas parade. The stand-off was framed as a battle between liberal elites, with their PC, no-to-blackface ways, and defenders of good, old-fashioned Dutch traditions.

A week later, there was another attempt at an anti-Piet demonstration in Dokkum to protest the group being barred from entering the town on Sinterklaas. I travelled to the event with the protesters to speak to both sides and find out why people are still wearing blackface in 2017.

Two big tour busses, nine police vans and a dozen cars leave Amsterdam at 10AM. At the front of the bus is Mitchell Esajas from the protest group "Kick Out Zwarte Piet". He jokingly introduces himself to me as today’s tour guide. "Two weeks ago we tried to go to Dokkum, but failed," he tells me. "So today we try again."

Redouane Amine, 29, was among the demonstrators who were stopped from protesting. "Last time felt like a slap in the face," she tells me. "The police really let us down. Instead of taking down the illegal roadblocks, they were hanging out with the pro-Piet bunch."

Mitchell Esajas works for the anti-blackface group, Kick Out Zwarte Piet.

"The police should've been there to protect us, like they're doing today," filmmaker Sunny Bergman adds. "What's really annoying is that they lied to us. They said they’d escort us to Dokkum, but they didn't."

After driving for an hour we make a short stop at a petrol station. A few locals spot some of the anti-Piet signs and clothes the group are sporting, and start swearing at them.

"I'm used to things like this," Fatin Bouali laughs, ignoring the angry white men. She shows me a message she received on Facebook. "Get the fuck out of the Netherlands," it reads. "We white people will cheer when you’ve gone."

Fatin Bouali

She’s not the only one who's been receiving angry messages. When we stop at a roadside restaurant for lunch I chat with Kevin Roberson, a vocal advocate against blackface, who attends a lot of protests, filming footage of demonstrators before putting the films up on YouTube.

Kevin tells me that he often gets anonymous calls from people calling him a monkey. He has also been added to a WhatsApp group made especially for him, titled "Kevin has Cancer". His address has been circulated on several Facebook groups, and his email inbox is filled with hateful messages.

Kevin shows me the WhatsApp group that is entirely dedicated to sending him abusive messages.

Later, back on the bus, Esajas stands up to address the group. "We’re moving into dangerous terrain," he announces. "If some idiot tries blocking the road, our buses will just run them over. This time, nothing is going to stop us." Thankfully, we get to Dokkum without having to kill anyone.

As we make our way towards the town centre, our convoy is greeted by angry locals, some holding racist banners written in the local Frysian dialect.

Dokkum locals making us feel welcome.

Large groups of pro-Piet disciples spread themselves across the street, watching the busses move through. "Don’t let them provoke you," Mitchell reminds everyone. "We're here for a peaceful protest." Some inside the bus start waving to our fans.

We finally get out of the bus at 2PM. With a police escort, we walk through a residential neighbourhood with lots of detached houses. Some Dokkum locals wave warmly, but others pop out of their homes just to swear at us. Suddenly, we come across a man in blackface with his three children, also in blackface.

"As it's still the holiday season, we thought it’d be nice to dress up as Piet," I overhear the man tell a journalist from a radio station, while his kids look on uncomfortably.

It's safe to say the locals were not happy to see the anti-Piet demonstration taking place in their town.

The police walk us all the way to the market square, where the demonstration is supposed to take place. There’s a stage set up, and about a hundred more officers waiting to meticulously check everyone heading into the square. On the stage, speakers and musical acts take turns entertaining a crowd of about 200 protesters, periodically yelling, "No more blackface!" and "Zwarte Piet must go!"

Around 200 anti-blackface protesters attended the demonstration.

Nearby, I spot a couple, Klaaske and Jo, looking on in disgust. "This is bullshit," Jo tells me. "Please explain to me what’s wrong with Zwarte Piet," Klaaske adds. "I don’t understand it."

Kees, a 50-year-old farmer, is equally confused as to why blackface is a problem. "I can’t believe my eyes," he says. "I’ve never seen things this dark. I love Zwarte Piet – he’s such a great guy. He’s happy, and doesn’t look like all those people there who are whining and bitching. There aren’t supposed to be so many dark people in the north."

The demonstration featured several speakers and bands.

The sign reads, "Black Pete is black sadness."

Amina used to love Zwarte Piet, but she has recently been converted. "Just over a week ago, I was sad at the thought of the only black icon I know disappearing," she says. Amina was adopted and raised by a white family. "When Sinterklaas came, people kept throwing sweets at me and calling me Zwarte Piet – that really hurt. I think if you give most people time, they will eventually get it."

The sign reads, "Sinterklaas should be a party for every child."

The protest ends at around 4PM. My toes have gone numb from the cold. The police escort us back to the busses. When we walk through the streets of Dokkum, people step out of their homes again – the town still isn't tired of swearing at us. But on the bus, the atmosphere is festive as we head back to Amsterdam. Maybe next year's protest will be even more successful.

It's December, hunnies – tis the season to be peer pressured into attending a load of social gatherings you don’t really want to go to.

Admit this: you’d much rather be watching Netflix in your pyjamas with the heating on and a mini Baileys or five a short distance away from you, but unfortunately you’re going to have to put on your Big Coat, go outside into the freezing fucking cold and show your miserable face at—

The Work Christmas Party

Nothing says Christmas like organised fun. This year they’ve really splashed out, by having it in the office canteen, but it starts at 4PM so you kind of have to go. Suck it up, cash in your two free drinks tokens and get stuck into the pictogram round with Graham from finance, who voted Leave and really, really wants to talk about that.

Department Christmas Lunch

It's 2PM on a Monday – admittedly not everyone’s favourite day of the week to go for a three-course set menu of dry turkey / afterthought vegetarian options at the "gastropub" next to the office – but it’s the only day in the whole of December that everyone is in the office and ready to bond. And, actually, that could be a good thing? Maybe it’s just that you were braced for the worst, but there’s something inexplicably joyful about blasting Bublé on your work computer’s tinny speakers, getting waved on prosecco from the "Events Cupboard" and having a proper chat with the people you spend 40-plus hours a week alongside, and whose kids' names you really should remember by now.

Photo: Jamie Clifton

12 Pubs of Christmas

This is it. The big one. You feel like a runner on marathon day. The "Meeting Point" is a big fuck off Wetherpoons with like 23 floors. It’s only 12PM, but everyone is here, everyone is in festive knitwear and everyone is ON. IT. Pints! Pints! Pints! LADS LADS LA—

You wake up at 2PM the next day being asphyxiated by a bit of tinsel with no recollection of the last 20 hours. You have literally never been this hungover before. There must be some sort of psychological reason why you do this to yourself. Four days later your card gets declined in Tesco and you check your balance to find that you... somehow spent .. nearly... t** h****** pounds on IPAs and wasabi peas. You’re meant to buy mum a spa day this year. She’s just going to have to pretend to like Primark fluffy slippers and a tube of hand cream, like she does every year.

Flat Christmas Dinner

You all chip in for some crackers and an expensive cut of meat from an actual butcher. Ben’s going to do his roasties and you’re having a crack at a Nigella for dessert. Lovely. Shame it won’t happen, then, because the only day everyone is free is the Sunday after 12 pubs, so instead you’ll nap until 6PM and then Deliveroo a pizza that gets left in its box when you realise you’ll immediately do a sick if you so much as look at it.

Massive Xmas House Party

Your friends from student halls have invited you to a "sophisticated" mulled wine "soiree". Somebody has spent their entire Sunday afternoon crafting an extremely banter Facebook event. The cover photo is either the Greggs sausage roll nativity scene or a cartoon of some elves which the various flatmates' faces have been inexpertly photoshopped onto using a free trial of Adobe. The event is called something like >> or "Mincemeat Pastries x Spicy Wine b2b set ft. Mistletoe Kisses". The description is the lyrics to Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses, an ASCII art Christmas tree, or the Wikipedia description for "mince pies". By 11PM somebody has been put to bed and the sensible housemate is drunkenly fussing over a big sticky mulled wine stain on the living room carpet. Suddenly it’s 3AM and all your cinnamon vodka is gone. The night bus home takes 90 minutes and the next day at work is the worst day of your life.

Photo: Jamie Clifton

Gloriously Tacky Night Out in Your Hometown

It’s your first day home and you’re all tucked up in your mum’s slanket with a chocolate orange, queuing up Blue Planet on the Sky Planner, when Liam from sixth form resurrects a group chat that has been dormant since April of 2014 with the immortal words "Anyone up for town tonight." Flash forward to 10.50PM in the queue for some free-if-you-post-for-guestlist clubnight that you used to frequent on an almost weekly basis between 2011 and 2013. Just like the old days, except you actually wear a coat to go out now. Bottles are a quid, so you have seven and briefly entertain the idea of moving back home, but then Ed Sheeran comes on and everyone goes mad for it and you remember that no, you definitely don’t belong here any more. Still, at least the taxi home is only a fiver.

'Catch Up' with 'The Girls'

A doodle poll was made in August, but you didn’t fill it in until the host got passive aggressive with you over email – "Hi hun, got your work email off Jess. Can you please fill in the doodle ASAP, need to decide on the date like tonight latest xo" – and you kind of hoped they’d choose a date you couldn’t make, but you have nothing else to do at home except watch period dramas and mainline Twiglets. Twenty minutes before you’re supposed to leave, you remember the Secret Santa – there was an entire day of deliberation before everyone settled on twenty pounds as a good price guide – and have to run out to the corner shop for a big box of Thornton’s while your mum speed-wraps some Boots 3 For 2 toiletries from her Emergency Present Drawer. You drink pink wine while the host shows you pictures of the new-build her and her boyfriend have just put an offer in on. Your mum pops in to say hello when she picks you up on the way back from the Big Food Shop, and you spend the rest of the evening sulking in front of The Crown while she makes pointed little remarks about how "that Rachel has done well for herself".

The Carol Service

This might just be my CofE upbringing, but honestly, no festivities are complete without the chance to don some reindeer antlers and belt out "Away in a Manger" before getting quietly hammered on mulled wine in a church hall full of soft play, while your grandma and her church friends compete over which of their grandchildren is the most successful.

Photo: Jamie Clifton

XMAS DAY

Ugh, I’m not gonna do this one. You know what Christmas is.

Extended Family Boxing Day Party

Your grandma (who loves Iceland more than Kerry Katona herself) has laid on a spread and all 17 of your grandad’s sisters are here, asking you about how much you pay for rent in That London and telling your little sister how tall she’s getting. There will be an absolute minimum of five arguments. Your grandparents will have a heated exchange about whether to get the fold-away chairs out of the shed. Your aunt will go upstairs in a huff because she’s trying to watch Agatha Christie and everyone is being too loud, while your uncle loses it when it transpires that everyone has been ignoring a crucial rule in his new board game. Your mum will properly tell your brother off for eating all of the green triangles and your dad will get aggy when your grandma says he shouldn’t be driving because he had one single measure of whisky four hours ago. God bless them, every one.

Party at the House of Your Parents’ New Middle-Aged Friends Who You’ve Never Met But Who Know Literally Every Detail of Your Life

You haven’t changed out of pyjamas for three days and it might be a good idea to go outside before you start developing bed sores, so you join your parents for "a do" at "Ian and Michelle's". Some things that will definitely happen at this party:

a) A woman called Karen will ask your advice about what her son should put as his UCAS insurance choice.
b) You will entirely fail to explain what your job is to a politely confused lady called Leanne.
c) You’ll learn something you didn’t necessarily wish to know about your parents’ past lives.
d) Yer da will get absolutely hammered on whisky with the first friend he’s made since 1992.
e) Everyone will make a huge fuss over a toddler when they either sustain a minor injury or insist that everyone stops talking while they "perform" their "routine" of "The Sugar Plum Fairy".

It’s actually a banging party. Michelle adds you on Facebook the next day.

NYE

Nah, not doing this one either. Come on.

@RosieHew

The nominations for the 75th Golden Globe Awards were announced this morning. Read through to see who and what got nods. The ceremony airs on January 7, 2018 at 8 PM EST, with Seth Meyers hosting.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Robert De Niro, The Wizard of Lies
Jude Law, The Young Pope
Kyle MacLachlan, Twin Peaks
Ewan McGregor, Fargo
Geoffrey Rush, Genius

Best Television Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Big Little Lies
Fargo
Feud: Bette and Joan
The Sinner
Top of the Lake: China Girl

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Alfred Molina, Feud
Alexander Skarsgard, Big Little Lies
David Thewlis, Fargo
David Harbour, Stranger Things
Christian Slater, Mr. Robot

Best Animated Film:
The Boss Baby
The Breadwinner
Ferdinand
Coco
Loving Vincent

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy:
Pamela Adlon, Better Things
Alison Brie, Glow
Issa Rae, Insecure
Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Frankie Shaw, SMILF

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Laura Dern, Big Little Lies
Ann Dowd, The Handmaid’s Tale
Chrissy Metz, This Is Us
Michelle Pfeiffer, The Wizard of Lies
Shailene Woodley, Big Little Lies

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy:
Anthony Anderson, Black-ish
Aziz Ansari, Master of None
Kevin Bacon, I Love Dick
William H. Macy, Shameless
Eric McCormack, Will and Grace

Best Performance by an Actress in a Limited Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Jessica Biel, The Sinner
Nicole Kidman, Big Little Lies
Jessica Lange, Feud: Bette and Joan
Susan Sarandon, Feud: Bette and Joan
Reese Witherspoon, Big Little Lies

Best Television Series – Comedy:
Black-ish
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
Master of None
SMILF
Will & Grace

Best Original Score – Motion Picture:
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
The Shape of Water
Phantom Thread
The Post
Dunkirk

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture:
The Shape of Water
Lady Bird
The Post
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Molly’s Game

Best Motion Picture – Foreign Language
A Fantastic Woman
First They Killed My Father
In the Fade
Loveless
The Square

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama:
Caitriona Balfe, Outlander
Claire Foy, The Crown
Maggie Gyllenhaal, The Deuce
Katherine Langford, 13 Reasons Why
Elisabeth Moss, The Handmaid’s Tale

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy:
Steve Carell, Battle of the Sexes
Ansel Elgort, Baby Driver
James Franco, The Disaster Artist
Hugh Jackman, The Greatest Showman
Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:
Willem Dafoe, The Florida Project
Armie Hammer, Call Me by Your Name
Richard Jenkins, The Shape of Water
Christopher Plummer, All the Money in the World
Sam Rockwell, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Best Television Series – Drama:
The Crown
Game of Thrones
The Handmaid’s Tale
Stranger Things
This Is Us

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:
Mary J. Blige, Mudbound
Hong Chau, Downsizing
Allison Janney, I, Tonya
Laurie Metcalf, Lady Bird
Octavia Spencer, The Shape of Water

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama:
Jessica Chastain, Molly’s Game
Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water
Frances McDormand, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Meryl Streep, The Post
Michelle Williams, All the Money in the World

Best Director – Motion Picture:
Guillermo del Toro, The Shape of Water
Martin McDonagh, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Christopher Nolan, Dunkirk
Ridley Scott, All The Money in the World
Steven Spielberg, The Post

Best Picture – Drama:
Call Me by Your Name
Dunkirk
The Post
The Shape of Water
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy:
Judi Dench, Victoria & Abdul
Margot Robbie, I, Tonya
Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird
Emma Stone, Battle of the Sexes
Helen Mirren, The Leisure Seeker

Best Picture – Comedy or Musical:
The Disaster Artist
Get Out
The Greatest Showman
I, Tonya
Lady Bird

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama:
Timothée Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name
Daniel Day-Lewis, Phantom Thread
Tom Hanks, The Post
Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour
Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel, Esq.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama:
Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us
Freddie Highmore, The Good Doctor
Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan
Jason Bateman, Ozark

A group of women who have accused Trump of sexual harassment and assault are coming together for the first time to call for a congressional investigation into their claims against the president.

The women will detail their allegations at a press conference Monday morning hosted by Brave New Films, the progressive organization that released a short documentary last month detailing 16 different women's stories about the president's alleged pattern of inappropriate behavior.

During Monday's conference, the women will "share their firsthand accounts of President Trump groping, forcibly kissing, humiliating, and harassing women," according to the press release, and call for Trump to be held accountable for his alleged actions.

Three of the women will also appear on TODAY before the conference to discuss their experiences with Megyn Kelly, according to USA Today.

Brave New Films announced the surprise press conference late Sunday night, days after three senators separately suggested that Trump should resign and only a few hours after US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley told Face the Nation that "women who accuse anyone should be heard," including those who have accused Trump.

For his part, the president has repeatedly denied the numerous claims against him and has reportedly suggested that the infamous "grab them by the pussy" tape was fake, even though it's very clearly real.

The press conference will start at 10:30 AM EST. Watch a livestream via Brave New Films above.

kEverything you need to know about the world this morning, curated by VICE.

US News

Trump Accusers Call for Congressional Probe
A group of women who have accused Donald Trump of sexual harassment or assault planned to recount their experiences at a joint press conference Monday morning. Brave New Films, the production company behind the event, said the women want Congress to launch an investigation into Trump's conduct. When asked Sunday about claims made against the president, US Ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley said “women should always feel comfortable coming forward" and that these specific women ought to be "heard." Cory Booker, the US Senator from New Jersey, has also called on Trump to resign over the allegations on Saturday.—The Hill / Politico / VICE News

Study Finds Police Shootings Far More Frequent Than Realized
A new analysis of data from the nation’s 50 largest police departments shows cops shoot people more than twice as often as previously believed. Officers shot at least 3,631 people in the areas covered from 2010 through 2016. The analysis also found around 55 percent of people cops shot were black, and 20 percent were unarmed.—VICE News

US Officials Warn of North Korean Bioweapons
Anonymous senior US officials claimed North Korea has developed a biological weapons program, escalating the threat the regime poses to its neighbors. Both US and South Korean intelligence are said to believe the North Koreans have “experimented” with anthrax, cholera, and plague microbes.—The Washington Post

Climate Change Responsible for Wildfires, Says California Governor
Governor Jerry Brown blamed climate change for the wildfires in his state and said the president was not taking the problem seriously enough. “I don’t think President Trump has a fear of the Lord, the fear of the wrath of God,” he said. Six fires raging in California now cover an area bigger than both New York City and Boston put together, with the Thomas Fire spanning at least 230,000 acres in Ventura County and Santa Barbara County.—CBS News / CNN

International News

Venezuelan President Bans Opposition from Election
President Nicolas Maduro has announced that three opposition parties who refused to take part in Venezuela’s mayoral contests will not be allowed to “participate” in next year’s presidential election. The Socialist leader said the Democratic Action, Justice First, and Popular Will parties had now “disappeared from the political map.”—VICE News

Israeli Security Officer Stabbed in Jerusalem
A 24-year-old Palestinian man attacked a security guard at the central bus station in the city, leaving the officer in critical condition. The attacker was detained. Protests against the US decision to recognize Jerusalem as the Israeli capital continued Sunday, taking place in Beirut, Rabat in Morocco, and Jakarta in Indonesia.—Reuters

Vladimir Putin Announces Military Deescalation in Syria
The Russian president kicked off his trip to the Middle East by visiting an air base in Syria, where he pledged to reduce the number of troops stationed there. Putin told Russian forces: “Friends, the Motherland is waiting for you… if the terrorists again raise their heads, we will deal such blows to them they have never seen.”—AP

Bollywood Actress Said to Be Assaulted on Flight
Indian police filed sexual assault charges against an airline passenger after 17-year-old actress Zaira Wasim said she was attacked on a flight from New Delhi to Mumbai. The Bollywood star posted a video on Instagram alleging the man “kept nudging my shoulder and continued to move his foot up and down my back and neck.”—Reuters

Everything Else

Josh Homme Apologizes for Kicking Female Photographer
The Queens of the Stone Age frontman expressed his regret after kicking Chelsea Lauren in the face during the band’s Christmas show. “I don’t have any excuse,” he said in an Instagram video. “I was a total dick and I’m truly sorry.”—Variety

Roy Moore Disappears from the Campaign Trail
The GOP’s Alabama Senate seat candidate reportedly spent much of the weekend with family, despite the special election taking place this Tuesday. Officials said Moore had not even planned to attend the Sunday service at his home church in Gallant.—VICE News

Value of Bitcoin Futures Spikes
Trading on a new futures contract based on the currency jumped from $15,000 to $18,580 after launching on Sunday evening. The website for the Chicago Board Options Exchange at least partially crashed for a time amid a deluge of activity.—AP

Stars Jump to Bullied Student’s Defense
Cardi B, Snoop Dogg, and Patricia Arquette were among those who sent messages of support to Tennessee teenager Keaton Jones after he posted a Facebook video about his struggles with bullies. “I think your sooo cool Keaton!” tweeted Millie Bobby Brown. “I wanna be your friend (but srsly) ur freakin awesome.”—People

Saudi Arabia Lifts Ban on Cinemas
Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman's government has announced movie theaters will reopen in the Gulf state in March 2018 after being outlawed for 35 years. The Minister of Culture said it would be “a catalyst for economic growth.”—The Hollywood Reporter

Bon Iver Reworks Classics on MPR
The singer-songwriter headlined Minnesota Public Radio’s A Prairie Home Companion this weekend, playing four songs on the show. His performances included stripped-back versions of “_45_” and “#29 Strafford APTS.”—Noisey

We already know that Canadians are super into binge-watching on Netflix, but no one can quite compare to the very special unknown Canadian who managed to watch the third Lord of the Rings movie a ridiculous number of times this year.

Netflix’s year-end data shows that one of its Canadian members watched The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King—which runs three hours, 21 minutes—361 times this year.

Now I have some questions.

Is this person just someone who lives their life with movies constantly playing in the background? Do they put on Return of the King to entertain their dog when they’re not home? How many times did they watch Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers? Is this an elaborate troll just trying to see if they can get on Netflix’s year-end data?

Here are some of the Netflix offerings Canadians devoured most this year. However, none of this can quite compare to the stamina exhibited in aforementioned Canadian Netflix member.

Whoever you are and whatever your true intentions are, dear LOTR fan, please reveal yourself—I’d love to talk to you about whether that Oliphaunt scene was necessary.

This story first appeared on VICE Quebec.

With the holidays coming up fast, a lot of us are gearing up for the many traditional feasts that await us. But when discussing classic holiday foods with colleagues, I noticed that most of our families have at the very least one super shady dish, that we seem to only keep on the table for the sake of tradition. From salads in aspic (that meat jelly thing) to sandwich loafs, there seem to be an endless list of weird foods that get prepared around this season, and that can all be traced back to cookbooks dating from the 50s to the 70s.

Pick up any Cold Wa-era cookbook and you’ll find outlandish dishes like ham-wrapped bananas slathered in hollandaise or Jell-O and tuna pie. In hindsight, it’s easy for our generation of foodies to find this stuff weird, or downright gross. And yet, those dishes were, at the time, culinary revolutions.

But this begs the question: why was the food so weird then?

Image of McCall's publications, via vintagerecipecards.com

Subtleties: a medieval tradition

Like most of the ills of modern man, the origin of these culinary monstrosities can be traced back to the Middle Ages. At a time where rich lords appropriated for themselves most of the nutritional resources of the land, to prepare a feast was not just a reason to eat with friends: it was a way to flex and show off all the money and power we had.

A popular culinary trend at the time were subtleties, or the art of giving food another appearance, or create a setting for the dish. Chefs for the nobility and royalty had to be ingenious and creative, coming up with dishes like pork roasts made to look like hedgehogs, or the famous example of Philip the Good’s chef, who in 1454 encased a full, live orchestra in a pie crust. As historian Nicola McDonald explains in his book Pulp Fictions of Medieval England: Essays in Popular Romance, “these dishes and others like them force the diner to acknowledge that, even if only apparently in jest, has the power to conjure life itself and, by implication, death.”

Fish in aspic. Image via Wikipedia Commons

On a smaller scale, chefs in the Middle Ages loved presenting cooked fish encased in aspic, to give the impression that the fish were swimming. Aspics are clear jellies made from clarified animal-based stock, and saturated with collagen, a natural gelling agent present in animal bones. At the time, pulling off a perfect aspic was unbelievably difficult, time-consuming and expensive, so it was mostly a way for a chef to show off their culinary skills. It is suggested that some of these dishes weren’t even meant to be eaten, they were simply there to show how that the host had enough money to pay for the ingredients, hire a team to execute the dish, and not even have to eat it. It was the fumbling beginnings of food as an artistic performance.

The Victorian Reign of Canned Foods

Extravagant dinners stayed popular for most of the Renaissance and spread throughout Europe and North America, where the elite tried to adapt culinary trends of the old country to their new reality.

At the beginning of the 1800s, during the Napoleonic wars, French pastry chef Nicolas Appert won a government contest by coming up with a way of cooking foods in glass hermetic glass jars, preventing it from spoiling, making it a perfect way of feeding the troops. After the war, the population slowly started getting richer. The concept of a middle-class starts becoming clearer, and a lot of these people have no idea what rich people eat. Myriad cookbooks and etiquette guides get published, and thus is born the concept of cocktail dinners as we’ve come to know them, with tiny sandwiches with the crust cut off and crudités with dips.

For the main meal, of course, the host wants to impress. Cookbook authors go back and get inspired by trends of yore, and subtleties make their way back into pop culture. The Industrial Revolution also brings in a number of new culinary techniques. Gelatin is more affordable than ever, seasonal vegetables are available all year-long thanks to canning, and same goes for exotic ingredients, such as pineapple,e which quickly became a favorite in the West.

Near the end of the 1800s, industrialization is booming. After the end of the First World War, most homes have electricity, and an increasing number of families have access to a gas stove and a refrigerator. All these new inventions make a homemaker’s job easier, and the main goal becomes to make everything clean and efficient. Jellied dishes become the perfect food: they allow moms to create dishes formerly associated with the elite while using leftovers and canned food. It’s cheap, aesthetically pleasing (by the standards of the day), and relatively easy to prepare. This is when the still popular jellied salads began to appear.

Post-war Culinary Traumatisms

With the food industry already scrambling to come up with new and cheap ways to feed the population during the Great Depression, the Second World War forced them to kick into high gear. Canned foods like Spam and other filth once again proved useful to feed the troops. It was gross but weirdly reminiscent of home for the soldiers, and it quickly became sentimental for them.

Image via Pinterest

After the war, all the companies that had made tons of money feeding the army had no intention of slowing down production. So what could they do with surplus and, more importantly, how could they convince people to eat their subpar products rather than real, fresh food? Thankfully for them, the zeitgeist was on their side. Soldiers came back from the war with a newly acquired taste for their products, and women were integrating the workplace in droves. Cheap and quick to prepare, products offered by companies like Heinz, Jell-O and Hi-Liner were perfectly adapted to this new reality.

However, food manufacturers noticed that while the times were changing, mentalities were staying the same. Even though women were no longer stuck at home, putting food on the table every night was still her responsibility. And wives felt that serving ready meals to their families would make them bad wives.

Ever wondered why you have to add an egg to Betty Crocker cake mixes? At one time, you only needed to add water, but consumers at the time felt that they couldn’t really take credit for making a cake if all they had done was add water to a mix. By adding an egg to the process, they could feel satisfied with their purchase of the cake mix.

It is in this sort of mindset that gross post-war food appeared: for mothers to not feel bad for buying pre-prepared foods, they had to use them in more inventive ways. So food manufacturing giants published sponsored cookbooks showcasing different ways to use their products by the dozen. Jell-O, particularly, was able to capitalize on the low prices of their products and the nostalgia women felt toward the aspics prepared by their grandmothers in the Victorian era. Spam was able to take advantage of the fact that soldiers had grown used to the weird taste of their canned meat. And, most importantly, they bet on exoticism. In a weird way, people were coming back to the subtleties of the Middle Ages. For a modest price and with a fraction of the work required before, you could host guests and impress them with exotic delicacies, spectacular techniques and unusual dishes. The problem is that by trying to boost their sales and shoving their products down peoples’ throats, companies came up with the most outlandish dishes, such as edible cranberry jelly candles.

Image via. cabinetofcurioustreasures.blogspot.ca

We are what we eat, as they say, and popular dishes of the past are a reflection of the society that let them flourish. Though post-war years give us flashbacks of meatloafs shaped into igloos and way too many dishes based on some form of Jell-O product, it is also the era that let foreign cuisines flourish in North America. It’s when we first got introduced to Asian food, pizza and other favorites.

Dishes we now find disgusting have the same sentimental values for our grandparents’ generation (the first generation, it must be noted, who were able to eat for pleasure rather than subsistence) as do Dunkaroos, Pepsi Blue or the Double Down for us.

So, keep that in mind when the sandwich loaf is brought out at your holiday dinner. It might not be aesthetically pleasing or on brand enough for your Instagram, but it is, nevertheless, a modern culinary marvel.

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The new trailer for Steven Spielberg's upcoming Ready Player One is here—and the thing is so completely saturated with pop-culture references that you'll make your eyes bleed trying to spot them all.

The trailer, which dropped Sunday, pits everyone from King Kong to Gundam to Chuckie dolls against one another in some massive virtual war during its two-and-a-half-minute runtime—there's even a quick shot of Rash, Zitz, and Pimple for the Battletoads fans out there.

Just like the earlier Ready Player One trailers, the thing just begs to be combed through, frame by frame, to play Where's Waldo with Lara Croft or Ryu from Street Fighter. But this time around, the trailer gives us a real introduction to Ready Player One's protagonist, Wade Watts (Tye Sheridan), who lives in the future slums of Ohio and spends his life inside a virtual-reality world called the OASIS.

When the OASIS creator—played by Mark Rylance—dies, he reveals that he left a multi-billion dollar treasure hidden within his virtual world. Watts teams up for this OASIS treasure hunt with another competitor named Art3mis to find the prize before a shadowy mega-corporation called IOI beats them to it. Oh, and everyone in the future is obsessed with 80s and 90s pop culture nostalgia, apparently, hence all the Battletoads cosplayers and whatever.

Ready Player One is based on Ernest Cline's 2011 bestselling novel of the same name and is set to hit theaters in all its pop-culture referencing glory on March 30. Cline is also reportedly working on a sequel to the book, which will hit stores at some point in the not-so-distant future.

Until either of those things happen, watch this trailer again and marvel at how many licensed characters from your childhood it crams into a single, cluttered shot.

They're baaaaaaaack: This morning, the most feverish stretch of awards season kicked off with the announcement of the nominations for the 75th Golden Globes Awards. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, which chooses the nominations and winners every year, are typically a fickle and strange bunch when it comes to their choices (as we'll assuredly get into more detail about below)—but the Globes have also come to be an oft-reliable bellwether when it comes to what will get highlighted by awards season's Big Kahuna, the Academy Awards (Oscars, if you're into the whole brevity thing).

It's often as interesting to see what got snubbed as it is what got nominated—and this year's nominations are no exception. Let's dive into some of the more egregious snubs from this year's noms—and make sure to watch the Golden Globes at 8 PM EST on January 7. It's hosted by Seth Meyers this year, and I'm sure he'll do fine.

Twin Peaks: The Return

Critical adoration doesn't always translate to awards recognition—and if you need proof, just look at the Globes's overall snubbing of David Lynch's masterpiece Twin Peaks: The Return, the rare TV revival in a sea of them that not only worked, but added new and mind-blowing wrinkles to the existing property in question. Yes, Kyle MacLachlan snagged a nod for his three (four? five?) performances throughout the limited-run series, but Twin Peaks: The Return was conspicuously absent in the overall Limited Series category. I haven't watched The Sinner yet, and I hear it's good, but was it really better than Twin Peaks: The Return? These are the types of questions that the Globes makes us ask.

The Big Sick

Speaking of critical darlings getting cut out! The Oscar race has been weird enough this year that Kumail Nanjiani and Emily W. Gordon's heartbreakingly funny, ripped-from-their-real-lives tale of love's endurance in the face of hardship has been tipped for awards glory—and rightly so: Even setting aside that it's the rare critically adored romantic comedy (the genre isn't typically a well-reviewed one), The Big Sick features strong performances ranging from Nanjiani's persevering protagonist to emotionally devastating turns from Ray Romano and Holly Hunter. And yet: It was completely shut out of the Globes this year, even losing a spot in the Musical or Comedy category to, of all fucking things, Hugh Jackman's circus-musical The Greatest Showman. Lame.

Any Animated Film That Isn't The Boss Baby

There had to be other good animated films that came out this year that weren't The Boss Baby, right? Right?!? Listen, I'm an adult, and I saw The Boss Baby in theaters. It was not good. It wasn't the worst film I saw this year, but it was not good. Granted, I'm not the target audience—to wit, the Friday evening showing that two friends and I attended (sober, if you can believe it) was mostly children, three of them bringing dolls in strollers. So it's a movie for children and dolls. That's fine. Based on The Boss Baby's nomination for Best Animated Film, I can only assume, by extension, that the HFPA is solely comprised of children and dolls. Prove me wrong!

Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig

If The Big Sick is the potential crowd-pleasing wildcard in this year's awards season that was greeted by dead silence this morning, then Get Out—Jordan Peele's astounding horror film that doubles as the most trenchant social satire released on film this year—at least got its relative due: along with nabbing a nom in the Best Picture - Comedy or Musical category, its lead Daniel Kaluuya scored a Best Actor nod as well. And Greta Gerwig's touching and funny Lady Bird is another potential awards heavyweight this season, with four extremely deserved nods picked up this morning. But the directors of both films—respectively, Jordan Peele and Greta Gerwig—were both shut out of the Best Director category, all the more perplexing since they seem to be practical lock-ins for Oscar time. Does Ridley Scott really deserve his nom for All the Money in the World, a recognition undoubtedly awarded to him after the much-publicized about-face he had to do in recasting Kevin Spacey's lead role merely three weeks before the film was released? I guess we'll see, but in the meantime not nominating Peele or Gerwig seems like missed opportunities.

Steve Carell, Last Flag Flying

It's a shame that Steve Carell was nominated for his very, extremely Michael Scott-y turn in Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris's Battle of the Sexes—partially because his performance in the film represents the diminishing returns of a side of Carell we've seen one too many times, and partially because he had a much better showing in Richard Linklater's critically sniffed-at mid-aughts period piece. Last Flag Flying allows Carell to show his subtler side, as a Vietnam vet struggling with the death of his son serving as a soldier in the Iraq War; it's the type of performance we don't typically see from him anywhere, and even though Last Flag Flying was a bit of a dud even by Linklater's low-stakes standards, it would've been nice to see this impossibly sad and touching performance get some recognition.

Sufjan Stevens, "Mystery of Love" / "Visions of Gideon"

After years of reportedly turning down opportunities to write songs for films, Sufjan Stevens did a huge 180 in 2017: not only did he recently share two excellent and empathetic songs about Tonya Harding that were submitted (and, bizarrely, rejected) for the Harding biopic I, Tonya, but he also contributed two aching and lovely new songs for Luca Guadagnino's aching, lovely Call Me by Your Name. "Mystery of Love" and "Visions of Gideon" are two of the strongest songs of the year, let alone two of the strongest songs of the year written for film—and yet, neither were highlighted in this year's Globes nominations. No matter: perhaps the Oscars, which might show an overall greater warmth towards Call Me by Your Name in the end anyway, could rectify this unjust snubbing.

If you're a sexually active young woman, chances are you've had sex with someone for no other reason than just feeling like you should. You weren't particularly enthused about it, nor were you vehemently opposed to the idea – it wasn't nonconsensual, but you only really consented out of a sense of obligation, or guilt, or even duty.

After Cat Person – Kristen Roupenian's short story for The New Yorker – went viral over the weekend it was praised for putting into words the thoughts and feelings many young women have had while navigating the world of dating, and the world in general. Women tweeted in their hundreds that the story perfectly illustrates how many of us can be prone to putting others' needs and feelings before our own – that we work "extremely hard to keep everyone around [us] happy", as Roupenian observes in a follow-up Q&A about the writing of the short story.

Tied directly to this is the recognisable fact that many of us have consented to undesired sex simply because we felt like it would be rude or hurtful to do otherwise – as is the case with the story's protagonist, Margot. Also intensely relatable are Margot's observations about this kind of sex: that, unsurprisingly, it's absolutely terrible.

I spoke to four young women about their real-life experiences with "cat people".

WATCH: Mobile Love Industry

Daphne, 27

When I was 19, at university, I was doing what they call "living my best life". After my first year exams I invited this guy from back home I'd been flirting with to come down to visit my uni accommodation. He was older – 31, if my memory serves me correctly. He wasn't my "type" – he was sort of on the short side and he was a little fluffy, but he had a really handsome face. He was a father, but he owned his own barber's, so on one hand I didn't see anything serious happening with a man with children, but on the other he seemed to have his life together.

Anyway, he came down, we Netflix-and-chilled before Netflix existed, and then he put the moves on me. I was going with the flow and then I changed my mind, mid-third base. It felt a little rude to tell him I wasn’t in the mood any more, so I just let him thrust himself inside of me.

I just laid there, thinking about when to call my dad to drive down to collect me and my things for the summer holidays.

Amy, 26

Sex with my man is shit. He's older, so you'd think he would be experienced in how to pleasure a woman. He doesn't do foreplay. I know, I know – "Why am I with him"? I'm too young for awful sex. But I'm prioritising being with someone responsible with a good job and good prospects. Often, I don’t want to sleep with him, but girlfriend duties call. I can teach him what I like down the line. I'm going to have to: seven years of bad sex isn't my portion.

"Can the male ego take being told they aren’t good at pleasing women? I don’t think so."

Vanessa, 21

Last year I got matched with a tall glass of sexy on Tinder. We flirted and bantered on there, and then it moved to WhatsApp. We decided to first meet up in public, of course. We went for drinks in a local bar. When we met it was just like it was via texts: no awkwardness – it was easy. So sleeping with him on the first date didn't feel like a stretch.

Usually I'd say to my girls they were being lame if they ever said "it feels like I've known him ages", but that's honestly how it felt. He asked if I wanted to go back to his and I obliged. You don't get connections like that all the time. At his place is where we first kissed, and that lip sucking, hoover experience should have been my cue to leave. It's up there with the worst kiss ever. Actually, no, that was the worst kiss ever. My first one, at my year seven school disco, wasn't even this bad.

I proper felt compelled to sleep with him. I know I have autonomy over my body – pussy power and all that – but I felt like after all the drinks and agreeing to go back to his that I had to. Let's just say that it was bad – more than bad; I was heaving as he moved on top of me. If he lacked rhythm kissing me, of course he’d be rhythmless between the sheets. How could someone so good looking be that clueless in bed?

Rita, 18

A couple of months ago I decided to let a uni fuck buddy give me head. It was my first time doing that with a guy, and it was trash. The experience with my fuck buddy: 1) Put me off oral for the foreseeable future; and 2) caused me to end things with him. Every time I see him around campus I see the image of his clueless face looking up at me to see if he was doing a good job. I just had to smile nervously. I wanted to tell him to stop, but it just seemed pointless, so I endured and, finally, faked an orgasm.

Can the male ego take being told they aren’t good at pleasing women? I don’t think so. If I'd told him, next thing you know my name would’ve been all over uni. I just kept it moving.

@Shaydakisses

I was a bad kid in high school—the kind that ended up in home school, then Christian school, plus lockdown for the next three years after I got caught doing hard drugs in my freshman year. I never got a driver’s license, went to a house party, or even smoked weed. By senior year, all I wanted was one normal high school memory, and prom seemed like an easy target: pick a normal guy, join him and his bros on a party bus, hit the after-party featuring a performance by Shwayze (it was 2008), almost have sex, post the photos on that then-new Facebook thing, and reminisce for years to come on “the best years of our lives.” Tragic.

Nearly a decade later, the Ganja Goddess Gala—a prom-themed dance party organized by the female-centric cannabis retreat, Ganja Goddess Getaway—gave me the shot to relive my prom, perfectly timed with my new love affair with pot.

Co-founder and self-proclaimed “canna-celebrity” Mama Sailene Ossman practically begged me me not to bring my own weed. “You will get lit. Pace yourself,” she warned, before answering my next question before I could even ask. “And we never have alcohol. It’s never a fun time when alcohol shows up. You think you’re going to have fist fights or arguments when weed is smoked? No."

She was right, but I don’t think even the most lush open bar would have caused any issues with this crowd. On a quiet industrial street in West Oakland in the first weekend in December, the gala catered to everyone from fresh-faced college students to stoners over 70 inside a creative space typically reserved for cannabis pottery classes and other wholesome weed-related activities.

“I’m going to tell everyone at once, so listen!” screeched Deidra Bagdasarian, co-founder of Ganja Goddess Getaways and the owner of Bliss Edibles, who was running the door as I waited in line in my Barbie-pink getup. “The cotton candy is 10mg and the chocolate fountain, I think, is around 5mg per dip—if I did it right.” I heeded her warning and headed to the main dancefloor. Immediately I was greeted with a cotton candy stand offering cannabis-infused treats ranging in flavor from classic peach to my selection, artisanal charcoal sage, which was amazing.

The party felt more like a carnival full of weed filled booths and experiences than a prom, and veered more along the lines of a Burning Man crowd than I expected. “We’re about right in the middle,” Sailene told me when I asked where the collective sat on the crunchy-to-sterile scale. I’d say it was closer to 75% granola—but miles from Silicon Valley, where former Apple employees toil away engineering the next best wave of vape pens, everyone can benefit from a little crustiness.

Middle-aged women kicked off their shoes and danced in 50s swing dresses to Taylor Swift and Prince. Senior women draped in silk twirled their scarves to the beat of new wave hits while guys in ponytails high-school slow-danced with their gown clad dates. The dancefloor was brightly lit, covered in colourful paintings and dollar-store streamers, and the music was surprisingly quiet: no rap was played. Ossman distinctly wanted to differentiate the gala from the “tits, ass, and degrading rap music” she was bombarded with at other industry events.

The chocolate fountain was less elaborate than I imagined, but it was nevertheless heavily infused and accompanied by a smorgasbord of dipping vessels, from pound cake to pretzels. Needless to say, everyone was insanely high. Words like “medicated” and “consumption” are used liberally by the goddesses, many of whom come from cannabis industry backgrounds ranging from High Times Cup-winning edible companies to the founders of Los Angeles’ first weed delivery service. But the prom was neither a medical event nor attempting to masquerade as one. Just women and a couple men—only allowed in attendance with a goddess—looking to get high and dance in peace.

“Even if you’re smoking recreationally, it’s still medicine. You’re drawn to it because you’re desiring to feed your endocannabinoid system. You may not even be conscious of that, but it’s the truth," said Ossman.

I headed upstairs to the dab bar, hosted by a co-founder’s husband in a gold lamé getup. Dabs, concentrated doses of cannabis oil, hash, or wax smoked via a glass rig, will get you alien levels of high. The patient weed wizard coached everyone, even amateur stoners like myself, through the process. I missed the high school bong era, and our photographer Demian described my dab attempt as “watching someone try to use a water bottle for the first time.” I made him delete all the photo evidence.

Nestled in a corner, a middle-aged woman in green passed out pre-rolled joints. They were yours if you could find her, so long as the weed fairy lit and took the first hit. Indeed, the $45-per-person price tag made sense once I got a better sense of the offerings.

“This is basically like the weed version of an open bar,” I said to the DJ-slash-vape volcano operator, who was decked out in a floral suit. “Yeah… but we’re not selling weed,” she replied sarcastically, a reference to the current laws around the selling and consumption of marijuana. Gifting marijuana for recreational use is currently legal, with recreational purchasing for adults over 21 beginning in 2018.

Thus the prom was born out of a desire to create a safe space for goddesses to bring their male partners and friends to a Ganja Goddess event, which up until now have been exclusively limited to women-identifying guests. Initially, the sisters had dreamt up a hotel retreat, but California indoor smoking laws, which apply to cannabis, made it difficult to pull off. In a genius, likely weed-inspired moment, the creative director thought, “What about a weed prom?” and the goddesses got to organizing.

“Every time we smoke weed, we feel like we have to be one of the guys,” explained two girlfriends, aged 19 and 20, who were visiting from local San Francisco universities, “but we wanted to come here to be around ladies.”

Despite being an event originally created to be inclusive to all genders, the crowd was nearly 80% female, with a mix of queer and straight couples. A recently-engaged couple who works the cannabis industry commuted from Denver; a couple in their early 20s took the BART from San Francisco; a 30-something couple took a quick Lyft from their Oakland apartment. Everyone was interested in how everyone else had come to be there, though most replied that it was the result of some version of targeted Facebook advertising.

“Come here, be gorgeous, smoke weed, eat food,” Bagdasarian told me. When I told her about my awkward, weed-free high school and prom experience, she said that she and the other sisters were hearing dozens of similar stories. “This is such a great way to rewrite their story around prom. Who knew people wanted that?” she asked.

I did. If only I had found weed sooner; maybe if I had been high, I wouldn’t have cared so much about trying to have a normal prom. And maybe I would have been better at dabbing, ten years later. But three days later, I was still high from the chocolate fountain.

Follow Lina Abascal on Twitter.

Roy Moore has a tendency to say some pretty quizzical stuff. Back in 2011, the Republican said that he thought all amendments after the Tenth should be repealed, and as recently as September he told a crowd that America was last great under slavery. Given that he's also been accused of sexual misconduct by nine women—two who were teenagers at the time—someone working on his campaign for Senate presumably decided it was better to just keep the candidate out of the spotlight until the December 12 election. Moore hasn't been made available to interviewers for weeks, and he refuses to debate his Democratic opponent, Doug Jones, because of his "very liberal" position on transgender rights. This past weekend, reporters couldn't even figure out where the 70-year-old was.

But a video that surfaced on YouTube Sunday shows that Moore was at least free for an interview at his home state's GOP with 12-year-old Millie March. In case you don't read blogs with names like the Angry Patriot, she's a kid who became famous in conservative circles for ranting about Barack Obama at last year's Conservative Political Action Conference. Now, as former Breitbart reporter Jennifer Lawrence explains at the beginning of the clip, March was flown in from her home in Virginia for a sit-down chat with an accused pedophile in order "to show that there is a wide range of people who support Judge Roy Moore."

The group that Lawrence works for is called the America First Project—a political action committee that materialized just before Trump's inauguration and was described by its founder as an "advocacy organization that is going to advocate for Trump administration policies that generally fall under a populist-nationalist window." It's unclear what this means in practice, and how the group linked up with March. Still, it's hard to imagine what's worse for the campaign—letting Moore speak freely to reporters, or putting a literal child in the same room as someone who's reportedly been banned from a local mall for being too creepy.

Follow Allie Conti on Twitter.

If you take a look at British Columbia Premier John Horgan’s Twitter mentions this afternoon, you’re going to see a lot of “nauseated,” “betrayed,” “disappointed,” and “outraged.” That’s because the left-leaning NDP leader just approved a massive $10.7 billion hydroelectric project that has faced decades of opposition from First Nations and environmentalists.

"At the end of the day, we've come to a conclusion that, although Site C is not the project we would have favoured or would have started, it must be completed," Horgan told media Monday.

The Site C dam will become the largest infrastructure project in BC’s history, producing enough electricity to power 450,000 homes when it is completed. Construction began near Fort St. John under BC Liberal Premier Christy Clark, who positioned it as a “clean” energy alternative essential to meeting long-term climate change goals.

Critics say the project is too expensive, that BC doesn’t need the power, that First Nations’ rights to hunting and fishing in the area will be violated, and that downstream communities in Alberta have not been properly consulted. Opponents have also argued the project will flood thousands of acres of productive farmland and risk releasing harmful methylmercury into the environment.

The NDP promised to have BC’s Utilities Commission review the project during the province’s election in May—a move many supporters interpreted as a commitment to do whatever it takes to stop Site C. The results of that review found it was over budget, behind schedule, and that alternatives like geothermal and wind could end up cheaper. The review did not make any determination about First Nations’ rights to the land.

Though the project has already faced many legal challenges, two First Nations are gearing up for a new lawsuit following the announcement. West Moberly and Prophet River are seeking a court injunction to halt construction of the project, and say they’ll be suing the government for treaty infringement.

“It was John Horgan’s NDP that demanded a Site C inquiry by the BC Utilities Commission, and the results they received from it were clear: no need for the power, better alternatives once we do, and no advantage to ratepayers to proceed,” West Moberly Chief Roland Willson said in a press release. “With those findings, the only responsible choice was to immediately stop destroying the Peace River valley.”

In the release announcing their civil suit, West Moberly and Prophet River nations foregrounded feelings of betrayal. In 2014, before he headed a tenuous minority government propped up by the Green party, Horgan questioned whether the dam was constitutional.

“The fundamental issue is First Nations in the region have entrenched constitutional rights,” he said in a video interview. “Not just the requirement for consultation and accommodation, which we always hear about when we’re talking about resource projects. But they have entrenched constitutional rights to practice hunting and fishing as before. And that’s going to be violated by this dam.”

In the final weeks before the decision, Horgan sent ministers up to Treaty 8 territories for last-minute consultations, but ultimately determined the project was too far along.

In his announcement, Horgan highlighted the cost of stopping the dam. He said cancelling would immediately cost his government $4 billion, resulting in a 12 percent hydro rate hike by 2020. Horgan said those costs would cut into funding for schools, bridges and other infrastructure. Supporters have said killing the project will cost 2,000 jobs, though opponents have questioned those figures.

BC Green Leader Andrew Weaver called Horgan’s rationale “incredibly cynical,” adding the government’s decision to cancel bridge tolls also added billions to public debt. “Today, Site C is no longer simply a BC Liberal boondoggle—it has now become the NDP’s project,” Weaver said in a media release slamming the decision.

Weaver also drew comparisons to the controversial Muskrat Falls project in Newfoundland, expressing concern that hydro rates could nearly double.

Though Weaver has told media the decision would not affect the NDP-Green confidence agreement, he blasted several NDP politicians who made promises to stop the dam, and even suggested a recall in one riding.

Follow Sarah Berman on Twitter.

When Newfoundland Judge Lori Marshall gave Lancelot Saunders an absolute discharge after he admitted to assaulting his ex-girlfriend, she praised him for taking responsibility for his actions.

But in the aftermath of the sentencing—which VICE reported on Friday—Saunders, 20, has taken to social media to seemingly gloat about the fact that he’s not in jail and to accuse his ex Aden Savoie of being hungry for attention.

Saunders, who will not have a criminal record nor probation despite his guilty plea, wrote on Instagram yesterday,

“If somebody actually assaulted you and beat you you eould (sic) call the police right away she just wanted attention.” In response to one comment that he should be in jail, he wrote, “but I’m not :).” Saunders also made a number of disparaging comments about feminism.

“Do women really want equality or are men always going to be slandered as women beaters for defending them selves (sic).”

According to the facts of the case, read aloud in court, Saunders pulled Savoie’s hair, pushed her, and hit her with a coat hanger on April 9. Savoie told VICE he was agitated after he took numerous prescription drugs and the pair had an argument over her cell phone.

In her judgment, issued December 1, Marshall focused on not wanting to burden Saunders with a criminal record.

“Three years in a young person’s life when they’re trying to get things on track, trying to get into university, work programs, all sorts of different things, that could be crushing to you if you were showing as having a criminal record for three plus years from this point going forward,” she said. She described Saunders’ behaviour as an “isolated incident” and ruled against giving him probation with drug counselling and anger management.

Saunders appears to be gloating about his lenient sentence. Screenshot via Instagram

Saunders Instagram feed features numerous posts of prescription pills. In a comment posted two days ago, he wrote, “Fuck oxy where’s the dilaudid at.” Dilaudid is a powerful prescription opioid.

According to the Newfoundland and Labrador government, one in two women in province will experience at least one incident of sexual or physical violence in their lifetime and it’s the only territory in which domestic violence increased between 1994 and 2004. In 70 percent of cases, the abuse comes from a spouse or partner. Only 10 percent of victims report the abuse to police.

Given that, legal and women’s advocacy experts in Newfoundland told VICE Judge Marshall’s decision is infuriating.

“It’s staggering isn’t it, it’s absolutely staggering,” said Jenny Wright, executive director of the St. John’s Status of Women Council. “For him you know, there’s a free pass to go ahead and do it again.”

Wright pointed out that Marshall could have ordered Saunders to receive counselling on violence against women, which would already be a lenient sentence, but “that was completely ignored.”

Lynn Moore, a former Crown attorney who now represents victims of childhood sexual abuse, echoed those sentiments. She said she used to work in a family violence intervention court that specialized in dealing with domestic assault cases. In exchange for pleading guilty and agreeing to counselling and supervision, an offender can have a reduced sentenced.

In Saunders’ case, “he took no steps to reform or rehabilitate himself” but he still got a discounted sentence. While she said not everyone will benefit from going in jail, in this case the judge should have at least issued probation and ordered Saunders to stay away from Savoie. After he was arrested, Saunders did breach a no-contact order but that charge was dropped in exchange for his guilty plea.

Moore said she sees a need for reform in how victims of domestic or sexual violence are treated under cross-examination—a concern that’s been raised many times in recent years.

Michelle Greene, executive director of Iris Kirby House, a women’s shelter in St. John’s, told VICE Judge Marshall’s message to victims is clear: “your future doesn’t matter, his does.”

She said this judgment is a perfect example of why women don’t come forward and report abuse.

Savoie previously told VICE she wouldn’t have gone through with this process if she had known this would be the outcome.

Greene said another issue she’s seen recently is judges refusing to grant Iris Kirby House residents emergency protection orders, which are similar to restraining orders.

“They didn’t think they needed them—they were at the transition house so they weren’t in danger,” Greene told VICE. But without a protection order, women become “prisoner” to the transition house, she said.

Every year, St. John's Status of Women's Council organizes an In Her Name vigil to honour the province’s missing and murdered women. In 2017, there were 122 names on the list.

Follow Manisha Krishnan on Twitter.

On Tuesday, the people of Alabama will decide who will fill the Senate seat that was left empty when Jeff Sessions went off to be the Trump administration's attorney general. While Alabama is normally a Republican stronghold, the race is neck and neck, in large part because multiple women have accused Republican nominee Roy Moore of preying on them when they were teenagers, which he denies.

One of Moore's accusers, Beverly Young Nelson, claimed that in 1977, when she was 16, Moore trapped her in his car. "He began squeezing my neck, attempting to force my head onto his crotch. I continued to struggle," she said at a November press conference. "I thought that he was going to rape me." Nelson said Moore eventually let her go, and told her, "You're just a child, I am the district attorney of Etowah County and if you tell anyone about this, no one will ever believe you."

But Moore's opponent, Democrat Doug Jones, doesn't have this one in the bag despite the allegations. Moore and his allies (including Donald Trump and Breitbart) have insisted that these accusations are actually the product of an insanely complicated conspiracy against him. And Moore, who has declined to make many public appearances in the days before the election, is determined to pivot to the issues, or actually just one issue: abortion. In a video from a pro-Trump superPAC in which a 12-year-old girl interviewed the alleged pedophile, Rich Hobson, Moore's campaign manager, told the preteen that the biggest issue in the race is "the pro-life issue."

"Our opponent, he believes in abortion up until the day a baby is born," Hobson said. While this is blatantly untrue—Jones's position on late-term abortion is that "the law for decades has been that late-term procedures are generally restricted except in the case of medical necessity"—the fact that Jones is a pro-choice candidate running in a pro-life state might swing the race in Moore's favor.

Even apart from the grotesque sexual misconduct allegations against him, Moore is a controversial Republican who combines the most intense race-baiting instincts of Trump with the theocratic policies of a Southern evangelical conservative. In 2005, he said that "homosexual conduct should be illegal." He's also said that women are unfit to run for office and that getting rid of the constitutional amendments after the Tenth—which includes the abolition of slavery and voting rights for women—would "eliminate many problems." It's a combination of this extremism and his scandals that have some Republicans shying away from Moore; on Sunday Richard Shelby, Alabama's senior senator, made news when he said that he didn't vote for Moore (he wrote in the name of an unidentified Republican on his absentee ballot).

Two polls released early Monday were wildly divergent, with one having Jones up by ten points and the other having Moore up by nine. In other words, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Here's a rundown of the consequences that will come with either result:

If Jones wins...

Fifty-two Republicans are currently serving in the Senate, with 46 Democrats and two independents who caucus with the Democrats, so a Jones win would make the GOP senate majority even narrower. In the short term, it could also disrupt the passage of the highly controversial Republican tax bill, which was narrowly passed by the Senate earlier this month and is now going through the process of reconciliation. The vote was 51–49, and Maine Republican Susan Collins says she's not sure she'll vote for the final version depending on what it includes. If she's a no, and Tennessee's Bob Corker (the lone Republican no last vote) stays opposed to it, then Jones could come to the Senate and drive a stake through the heart of the GOP's latest legislative effort. (There's a lot of ifs in that scenario, but it's a Democratic fantasy that has at least a chance of coming true.)

A Jones win would also send a strong message for what's to come in the 2018 midterm election, suggesting that the bigotry and misogyny of Trumpism is not a winning political strategy. If Moore can't win in Alabama, where can "anti-establishment" (read: "openly racist") candidates thrive?

If Moore wins...

Although a Roy Moore win might feel like a blow to the #MeToo movement, it could end up giving the Democrats a gift. Republicans were slow to back Moore, with Trump even (perhaps reluctantly) stumping for his opponent Luther Strange during the primary, but have since thrown their full support behind the alleged child predator. The Republican National Committee stopped funding him after the allegations against him were published in the Washington Post, but changed course after Trump endorsed him last week.

“Roy Moore will be the gift that keeps on giving for Democrats. It will define the 2018 election, at least 2018,” Republican senator Lindsey Graham said on CNN Monday morning. There will likely be calls, given the rash of sexual misconduct scandals in Congress, for an ethics investigation into Moore as soon as he takes his seat. Moore is likely to stay in the news long after he wins.

That would give the Democrats the opportunity to frame the GOP as an amoral entity that supports even the most despicable of candidates, as long as they vote for an agenda of tax cuts for the wealthy and no healthcare for the poor. The Democrats could surely do this regardless of whether Moore is elected—look who's in the Oval Office—but him winning a seat in the Senate would only amplify how astonishingly unscrupulous the Republican Party has become.

Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.

I feel aggravated all the time. More annoyed than usual when people repeat my name back to me with a question mark. Anxious and restless when I look around a room and realize I’m the only person of color in it.

It’s been like this for over a year now. I never used to be this kind of person.

Most of my friends are white; a lot of them are men. They’re not used to seeing me this way and don’t really know what to say. For a while, I even struggled myself to pin down what exactly accounted for this shift in my personality, even as the obvious answers continued to pile up, almost 24/7.

The Muslim ban. The border wall. Charlottesville. Palestine. Puerto Rico. Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein and Woody Fucking Allen. Loud talkers and manspreaders and make-room-for-me-on-the-sidewalk motherfuckers.

White supremacy and toxic masculinity are nothing new, but today, America is in the midst of a reckoning. Every headline feels like a new saturation point, but the spigot just continues to run. And more and more, I find it difficult to wring myself out and get on with everyday life. It feels like I’m suffocating. Especially when I find myself in spaces and rooms dominated by people who are white, straight, or otherwise privileged.

Friends of color I spoke with for this story agreed this is a conversation we’ve been having more lately than ever before. We’re of various backgrounds, and each of us experience our otherness in vastly different ways, but we’re all accustomed to being among the minority in most settings. And all of us agreed to feeling some heightened sense of anxiety and defensiveness in majority-white spaces.

Overwhelming resentment like this is new territory for me. Though I grew up as one of few minorities in an affluent suburb, my attitudes toward our cultural difference weren’t always acute. My parents, who emigrated from India in the 70s, made it their mission to make my brother and I feel like we belong here. The fact that my home life felt worlds away from the America I navigated at school and saw on TV didn’t carry much more weight than my desire for boys over girls. Any way you looked at it, I didn’t fit in.

So I made white friends. And when I finally had the opportunity, I made queer friends, most of whom are also white. For better or worse, I have always felt thoroughly assimilated into white American culture. I think it made life easier for me in a lot of ways. But it’s beginning to backfire.

“That anxiety is never far from the surface,” said Thomas A. Parham, a psychologist, adjunct professor, and vice chancellor of student affairs at University of California, Irvine, who has written extensively on minority psychology. “All you have to do is be reminded through social circumstance that things are the way they are. That’s why the social climate is forcing people of color to confront it every day.”

Parham stressed that these feelings aren’t new for most minority groups, but they are being exacerbated in a new way. “The emotional reaction that most people of color are having is not ‘anxiety’ in the clinical sense,” Parham said. “It’s more a reaction to specific instances where they’re dealing with microaggressions, microassaults, or microinvalidations”—especially so in a climate where people feel more emboldened to make them.

Here’s one example.

I was at a cocktail party, milling around with more than a dozen gay men, all of them white. When another brown face approached and introduced himself, we recognized each other as South Asian and said as much. When another guest asked how we knew, I looked at him and deadpanned, “How do you know you’re white?” I said it was nice to have another person of color in the room, referring to the obvious makeup of the group. The same white guest looked around as if to find some proof I was wrong. “Well, it’s not like being white comes with some big prize,” he said with a smirk as he turned back to us.

Was he joking? I honestly couldn’t tell. I felt the back of my neck prickle. I wanted to scream and throw something. “Except for… extreme privilege?” I half muttered with a question mark, as though cautious not to offend him, before I turned and walked away.

Watch VICE profile fashion designer Yasmine Yasmine:

“I’ve just seen such crazy shit happen that it makes me nervous to be around that many white people,” said my friend Zoe Jackson, a TV producer who is black, of scenes like the one I experienced. “More so for my own emotional protection. I’m just waiting for someone to say some stupid shit to me, and for it to put me in a bad mood.”

I knew exactly what she meant.

“I’m more apt to count all the people of color in the room, which I didn’t always do,” said Nadia Brittingham, a TV editor whose father is white and mother is Taiwanese. She said that if and when she gets into conversations about race and gender with white people when she first meets them, she ends up “being more on the defensive." “I start to question myself, actually,” Jackson said. “Because I’m like, ‘Why am I in a space like this? Did I make this choice or was it made for me?’”

“There are assumptions that come into play whenever I walk in a room,” said Marcus Barnes, a vice president of a bank who is black. Before moving to Switzerland last year, Barnes spent his life in the US. “My default tendency is to turn it in on myself,” he said, describing a cycle of negative self-talk that it took many years to let go of. “Like, if nobody else like me is here, then they don’t want people like me here. They don’t want people like me here because I’m too dark. My nose is too big, I don’t dress well enough, my hair looks a mess. If only I were more respectable, etcetera.” He said he feels much more welcomed living abroad than he did in America.

Parham said he tries to help patients, students and other minorities he works with employ strategies derived from cognitive behavioral therapy to cope with increased identity-based anxiety. “We try to to help people focus less on the eight out of ten things they don’t control, and more on the two out of ten that they do,” Parham said; in this way, they can “reframe circumstance in a way that it doesn’t all become bad, or that everybody doesn’t become racist.” Those are strategies people I spoke with for this piece seemed to be turning to subconsciously.

“I get myself back to the reality of, ‘I don’t actually know what these people are thinking of me,’” said Barnes. “The more time I spend up in my head, the less time I’m actually focusing on the people around me.”

“You can’t live your life from a place of fear,” she added. “But I also don’t bite my tongue. I don’t mind making other people uncomfortable if I’m right.”

Listening to her made me wish I had a more clever clapback for my rude party guest, but I was too shocked. I was at a party, for fuck’s sake—I couldn’t muster the energy in that environment to have a productive conversation about why what he said was so upsetting.

Brittingham said she's had "more intense conversations” with white friends of late just to gauge their reaction. But “at the same time, I tend not to, because I’m just othering myself further.” I’ve felt the same way over and over—that pointing to my difference only sets it in sharper relief, when I may be the only one constantly preoccupied with it. “I’m like, ‘If I have to think about this so much, why don’t you?’” Brittingham said.

At the same time, we all agreed to feeling fortunate for the white friends who’ve proven themselves incredible allies, if just by listening and acknowledging the limits of their understanding.

In just coming together to talk (and in some cases vent), we rehearsed another strategy Parham pointed to in coping with some of these feelings. “Part of what you want to do in putting people in groups and having them talk through these issues is to let them know that they are not in it alone,” Parham said. As obvious as that may sound, it’s easy to feel isolated when, whatever the circumstance, you find yourself among the only POC in the room.

Carving out space and time to specifically address these experiences can be invaluable. “Keeping those conversations going is really important and really therapeutic for me,” Jackson said. “Finding ways of just sharing and talking about it and supporting each other—I think we need it. It makes it easier to get out there.”

Follow Naveen Kumar on Twitter.

Children’s books and sports have a long history together. For decades, authors like Matt Christopher and Jake Maddox have written books about every sport imaginable, painting literary pictures that any little leaguer can relate to. But when it comes to skateboarding, most authors tend to describe things in broad, easily digestible strokes that feel stilted to anyone who’s ever actually stepped on a skateboard. Every 11-year-old can seamlessly ollie a 12-stair and if Timmy can stick the Indy 360 at the big competition the bullies won’t beat him up. But unlike youth soccer, where one accidental kick can transform a benchwarmer into class hero, skateboarding takes pain, dedication, and a willingness to literally bleed before you can even make it out of the driveway.

Karl Watson knows exactly how hard skateboarding is. The 40-year-old San Franciscan has been bombing hills and innovating on ledges since the early 90s, making a name for himself with incredible on-board style and the skateboard industry’s biggest smile. After more than 20 years as a pro for storied companies like Mad Circle, IPath, and Organika, he’s now a father to four kids of his own, and is ready to share that knowledge with the next generation. Karl teamed up with cartoonist Henry Jones for My First Skateboard, an illustrated children’s book about falling down, getting up, and finding community in our favorite useless wooden toy. By rooting the book in their own childhood experiences, Watson and Jones were able to capture the joy and wonder of picking a board and learning to skate, without one competition, sponsor, or bully in sight.

With the book now available to order online, I got on the phone with Watson and Jones to find out more about My First Skateboard, how learning to skate is different for today’s generation, and to hear some stories that could never run in a kid’s book.

VICE: Karl, what made you decide to write a skate-themed children’s book? And why did you choose Henry to do the illustrations?
Karl Watson: To be honest I was at a turning point in my life and career and was thinking of ways to try and continue making my impact on skateboarding. I wanted to focus on the positive attributes that skateboarding has to offer and it was like, hey, I might as well try to inject our youth with as much information as possible about how amazing skateboarding is.

And of course thinking about Henry Jones I was so stoked to reach out because he’s one of my favourite artists, and when it comes to showing movement and expression in a subtle way, he’s the best. Having Henry involved was a no brainer.

Henry, what was your initial reaction to the idea of drawing a kids’ book?
Henry Jones: I had always thought of doing something like a kids’ book, but never got around to it. So it was cool to have someone, and especially Karl, hit me up to draw it because it made it a lot less work to do for something that I really wanted to do [ laughs].

My First Skateboard keys in on the community and cultural aspects of skating. Why was that so important for you to convey to a wider audience?
Karl: We wanted to focus on trial and error, getting back up after you fall, and basically how skateboarding can save the world. What I mean by that is that skating breaks down the race, language, gender, and age barriers. It’s the best activity known to mankind, straight up and down. I’m being biased, but I’m proud of that. The proof is in the pudding; go to any skatepark and you’ll see all the colours of the rainbow.

For me, skating was the first activity that I did entirely on my own, with no adult help or supervision. Do you think the intrusion of helicopter parents and hyper-intense skate dads has taken away some of the freedoms that made learning to skate so fun and rewarding?
That was a big catalyst for writing the book. Skating’s something that I care so much about and I can see it slipping away. It makes a big difference to not have someone barking at you. “You gotta hit it this way! Stand this way! Hold it this way!” Nah, we do our kickflips the way we wanna do it and we do our ollies the way we want to do them. It’s an individual form of expression, and that’s the beauty of skating.

Karl, you’re a parent. What have been your favorite parts about helping kids learn to
skate?
My oldest son pushed [with his front foot] when he started skating at like three years old, and I didn’t want to stress it, but I always showed him the way you’re supposed to push with the back foot, not the front. Still, it went on for years until he became a teenager, and at that point his friends had to let him know. Even though I had told him his whole life, very nicely, as both a parent and pro skater, it took his friends telling him to change it.

Are there any adult characters in the book?
Henry: [The main character] Jonas’s mom is in the book, but in a lot of frames we did try to keep it rooted in the kids’ world. Even in the skate shop, there’s no older dudes there helping him pick his board or anything. We definitely wanted to give the characters a lot of independence.

Do you remember your own first skateboards?
Karl: My first was an all-white Zorlac board with green Tracker trucks and orange Sims wheels that I got from the original FTC skate shop in San Francisco in 1987.

Henry: I had a Blind board called “The Switchblade,” and I know that because I look for it on Ebay all the time. I got it from Gordon’s, a hunting and fishing store right next to my house. But I only had enough money for the deck, so I had put my toy store trucks on it and drill in new bolts because the pattern was wrong.

Ouch. The book takes place mostly at street spots instead of skateparks and there’s at least one page in the story dedicated to San Francisco’s legendary EMB. Is it sad to you that most kids will grow up meeting their friends at skateparks instead of plazas like Embarcadero?
Karl: I think the biggest difference between skate plazas and skateparks is not having to run from the cops. When we were at EMB or Love, we were always on guard, and we appreciated the time we got to skate, because we knew it could end at any moment.

The skatepark kids nowadays, it’s almost like everything is just given to them. And don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they don’t have to deal with it. But still, that was a fun element of that scene; being 13 and getting away because you’re on your skateboard and the cops can’t keep up.

It definitely forced kids to grow up a little faster.
No doubt. At EMB there was this guy we called the banana man who would ride around on his bike sucking on a banana and pay skaters to pee on him or watch him pee on himself, and I’m 12 or 13 years old seeing this. Or another guy with a mirror on his shoe that used to go up to businesswomen on their lunch break and look up their skirts.

We would learn from those people, and know, I don’t wanna be like that and I don’t wanna be like that. So in a messed up way it was beneficial.

I’m guessing the police chases and banana man didn’t make it into the book?
[Laughs] No, no, no. No banana man.

Henry: Karl didn’t tell me about that before I drew the book, so I didn’t have a chance to include it even if I wanted to.

Karl, You’ve been through a lot of shifts and changes over your 20 years in pro skating. What does it mean to you to be able to branch out of the core skateboard industry?
Karl: Life is more than just skateboarding. I had blinders on for a long time, tunnel vision of just skateboarding, skateboarding, skateboarding. But as you get older it’s important to branch out to other aspects of life. And if I can incorporate what I love so much into other people’s way of thinking, and make them consider, Oh, skateboarding is actually something that’s really positive, I feel like that’s my way of giving back.

Skateboarders are notoriously critical of their portrayal in popular culture. What’s the reception to the book been like from the skate community?
I’ve definitely got some flack. I will say it’s been 99 percent positive, but that one percent is people tripping on the helmets.

Henry: Are you serious?

Karl: Yeah, some hardcore heads have said “C’mon Karl, there were no helmets at EMB, what the hell?” [ laughs]. Everyone’s allowed to have their opinions, but we’re trying to reach the masses, and I think it’s best to be as PC as possible in that regard. Also Henry nailed it with the helmets, so thanks, Henry.

Buy My First Skateboard here.

“A millimetre on a face, a kilometre on the soul,” Dr Naomi had told me. “The little the things we do, just change people's lives.”

But now I can’t not see it. Ever since my visit to her Paddington clinic, any time I pass a reflective surface, my eyes dart immediately to the fine line etching its way into my forehead. It wouldn’t take more than a few seconds to wipe it off the face of… my face. At least temporarily.

Or the grooves beside my nose that are deepening towards the corners of my mouth. Or the slight sag along my jawline—it couldn’t be too tricky to lift with a little filler…

That’s how the thoughts go, spiralling and smoothing and plumping my face into something closer to perfection. Although I’m not really sure what I expected would happen when I asked Sydney’s favourite cosmetic surgeon what she’d do to me were money no object.

Dr Naomi examining the author's face

“With your upper third, you’re really beautiful there,” Dr Naomi says, holding her pointer finger to my hairline and her thumb at my brow. “But you would look much more beautiful with a rounded forehead; it's very vertical. You're a little bit hollow in the temple, and your brow would look much nicer if it comes out a bit further outwards.”

I’m lying back on the luxe white recliner chair in Dr Naomi’s very luxe, very white Paddington office. She tells me she's splitting my face into sections, and visually checking off each one with the precision of a surgeon's eye. "Your thirds are beautiful," she says. "Then I look at symmetry, you're not perfect there... this is your good side for photos."

Above me hangs a special light, which makes the “after” photos really pop for Instagram—where Dr Naomi’s 166,000+ fans eagerly await her next post. Outside, in a waiting room that looks like an Architectural Digest spread, other women are waiting to see her. And they are mostly women. Women whose faces cost more than my yearly rent.

These are Dr Naomi’s “dolls”—patients who’ve handed their appearances over to be sculpted by her expert touch. In their presence, you are suddenly aware of your every imperfection.

They are flawless in a way that doesn’t make sense: like those people who still look good after three days at a music festival. I am almost entirely sure that when I first wandered into Dr Naomi's Manse Clinic—sweaty, scattered, and running late—the receptionist thought I was in the wrong place.

The dolls are the stars of Dr Naomi's Instagram, their procedures documented in explicit, at times gory detail. Most of them are young, but Naomi says this isn't reflective of her clientele on the whole. There's just a real generational divide around cosmetic surgery between her older and younger patients. "The younger people. They're not ashamed of it at all," she explains. "I get comments all the time saying, 'You should put over 40s...' but I can only put out who consents."

“Coming down,” Dr Naomi says, running her finger across my temple, “I personally would love you with more of a defined cheek bone at the side... you've got these gorgeous cheeks here, but I'd like to connect it out here.”

She draws a line up to my ear. Running my own finger over it, I can feel how my cheekbone peters out and I wonder if I’d look better if she was to “connect it out.”

At my chin, Dr Naomi pauses. “I like your width of the jawline, it's very cute,” she says. “But… your lower third is probably your weakest area.” Immediately, I know she’s right. The sad thin lips, that saggy jaw thing, my lopsided dimples. I’m a mess. A victim of genetics.

Dr Naomi looks down at me sweetly, wearing a pink kitty face mask. It came as a surprise when she didn't want us to take any photos of her without it on. I can't help but wonder whether she thinks she's got a "weak lower third" too. I can't help but wonder what it must be like to live with the ability to instantly diagnose every imperfection on a face, including your own.

Because we're sitting in Naomi’s office though, my mangled lower face isn’t a death sentence, as much as it's an opportunity. A jumping off point. So, what’s the fix, doc? “Botox,” she says, matter-of-factly, pulling a small syringe out of the drawers on the far side of the room. She rips away the sterile packaging, and brings the needle close to my face.

I hate needles, hate them. I ask Dr Naomi if they hurt, the lip ones look especially painful. She just shakes her head but then stops herself. "Well, the best thing about doing the videos with the girls is they're very focused on looking beautiful. So it's such a good distraction technique," she explains. "We put the numbing cream on, they're on the gas—we should have given you a bit of happy gas!"

Maybe it's her calming presence, or maybe it's the unexpected blast of nitrous oxide I get when I jokingly take a swig out of the "happy gas" machine, but in Naomi’s chair I don’t even flinch as she brings the needles right up to my face.

It's just like how I hate gore and body horror and fail videos where people are clearly getting hurt, but will happily watch post after post of Dr Naomi jamming a syringe into a patient’s already-pillowy lips, inflating them to a previously unimaginable fullness.

It could be because none of this seems quite real. Dr Naomi creates a world where patients can become “dolls,” where no one has to live with the face they are born with. Where perfection can come at a price.

According to Naomi, for me, that price would be around $600—with one of the other doctors consulting from her clinic, of course. Just to get in the door of Naomi's office for an initial consult will set you back $500. If you can get an appointment in the first place. Right now, she tells me, the waiting list is about three months long. It seems like everybody east of Surry Hills wants to be one of her dolls.

“If I was going to do two things to you, it'd be a little bit of botox there and a little bit of botox there. Beautiful,” Dr Naomi tells me, touching the needle to my forehead and crow’s feet. “You'd look more awake, and you'd look more fresh, less tired.”

I'm surprised. Given all the G&Ts I've downed in my life, and all the days I've forgotten to wear sunscreen, the prognosis doesn't actually seem that bad. Oh, nope, she’s not done yet. “Filling the fold would be really good,” Dr Naomi continues, running her finger down my cheek. “Filling this area would be good, filling this area would be good... filling your chin a little bit like that would be good.”

Naomi tells me that botox is still the number one thing people come to the Manse Clinic for. But fillers—usually made from hyaluronic acid—are getting more popular, for plumping and smoothing the skin, popping up depressions in the skin from acne scarring. She says the biggest change comes from using fat dissolvers under the chin, a procedure that was only introduced in Australia earlier this year.

“Lips have exploded,” she adds. “Lips are massive, I do a lot of lips every day.”

Talking to Dr Naomi, it's clear she eats, sleeps, and breathes cosmetic surgery. She spends her rare free moments on Instagram: pouring over images of celebrities, scrutinising the ageing process, deconstructing the faces of Kylie and Bella, and trying to work out how other cosmetic surgeons have tweaked them into perfection.

And she's been this way since medical school. "I didn't know what to do with medicine, I didn't like anything. There wasn't really an industry for non-surgical cosmetics, I didn't want to do surgical,” she explains. “I was a resident, and had botox… and I thought, Okay, that's going to be my life.”

Dr Naomi's car outside the Manse Clinic, "Cos MD"

But there are many other so-called "cosmetic surgeons" out there who don't take the profession as seriously. And Naomi says that needs to change, pointing to the death of salon owner Jean Huang earlier this year. Huang was undergoing a breast enhancement procedure at her own clinic when she died at the hands of Jie Shao, a Chinese tourist with no Australian medical qualifications.

“The regulations in our industry are poor… it’s just so unregulated,” Dr Naomi says. “One of the problems is, because a doctor doesn't have to be onsite at a clinic that's doing injectables, patients can't even check up on who's responsible for their care… That's what we want to change.”

In the wake of Huang’s death, Dr Naomi wants the government to crack down on people calling themselves “cosmetic surgeons” and require them to have actual medical degrees—like she does. Early signs seem positive, with the Australian Medical Association considering restricting the title to people with actual plastic surgery qualifications.

The tougher battle might be getting the world outside the Manse to take what Dr Naomi does, and the skill it takes, seriously. There are those who are quick to dismiss her as indulging female vanity, and say her Instagram fame is unbecoming of a doctor.

People like the Uber driver who picked me up from the Manse Clinic after my appointment with Naomi and felt the need to lambast me for even visiting a cosmetic surgeon. “These women with the fake lips, don’t they know they look terrible?” he asked, just a set of eyes in the rear view mirror.

Later, he’ll admit he bought his wife a boob job for her 40th birthday. “It’s not really the same thing,” he’ll assert. “She really wanted it and, you know, I’m not complaining!"

I think Dr Naomi would’ve just laughed at him. The patient photo to meme ratio on her Instagram is testament to the fact that she can see the funny side of what she does. But she’s also built a small empire on the back of cosmetic surgery, and it's probably just going to get bigger. Australians are already spending around a billion dollars a year on cosmetic procedures. Per capita, we're even outpacing the Americans.

“I'm lucky I'm in a bubble with not many plastic-negative people in my life,” Dr Naomi tells me, sitting at her desk, surrounded by gifts from her patients. “But they still very much exist."

“I had someone who came in the other day who's a psychologist, and she brought up something that I've always hated," she says, fiddling with a box cookies decorated to look like botox needles. "[She said] she'll hear people in her circle putting down cosmetic patients, saying, ‘Ugh, they have such low-self esteem.’ And, it's like, get to reality. No they don't. They just want to improve.”

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Smartphone screens, like the egos of men, appear sturdy but are easily shattered. It’s a problem that tech companies have been slow to solve, probably because people having to pay them to fix or replace their cracked devices is kind of an ideal situation. Luckily, scientists are stepping in to do what Tim Cook and co will not: invent smash-proof glass.

A study led by the Australian National University and France’s Institut de Physique du Globe de Paris looks at feasible ways that the atomic structure of alumino-silicate glass, the type used by smartphone manufacturers, could be modified in order to increase its resilience.

"The glasses we analysed are mostly composed of aluminium and silicon oxides, and can also contain various elements such as sodium, potassium, calcium or magnesium—each element influences the flexibility and resistance of the glass," lead researcher Dr Charles Le Losq said in an ANU media release. The researchers found that increasing the levels of sodium and potassium might make alumino-silicate glass more flexible and less breakable.

Understanding the chemical composition of alumino-silicate glass won’t just give us better smartphones. Molten alumino-silicate actually makes up most of the earth’s magma, so a better understanding of its structure has broad implications for the geological research field. We’d know more about volcanic activity, and have more of an insight into how the earth was formed in the first place.

Le Losq also says that the study’s findings could help develop a glass that would be suitable for storing nuclear waste more effectively.

But yeah—smartphones. We will one day be able to drunkenly drop them face down on the floor without having to endure that painful will-it-or-won’t-it-survive smashed screen reveal. Although your local repair shop won't be out of business any time soon: researchers estimate they’ll have more conclusive findings within the next five to ten years.

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