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VICE Special: Apocalypse, Man - Part 6

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In the last part of our documentary, we talk with Michael C. Ruppert at Yeshe Rangsal Retreat in Crestone about how to survive the impending apocalypse.

The final shot of the production employs the kind of drone camera that was recently declared illegal by the Federal Aviation Authority. If you look closely in the final shot, you can see Mike waving up at the sky. 

Feeling uncomfortable that we were staging what he called "a Cecil B. DeMille moment," Mike looked to the heavens for guidance. As he did, a Golden Eagle flew over us, indicating "the spirit is blessing us."

Here's Mike, communicating with the eagle as the drone flies over him.

Most people were first exposed to Michael C. Ruppert through the 2009 documentary Collapse, directed by Chris Smith. Collapse was one of the scariest documentaries about our world and the fragile the state of our planet. It was also one of VICE's favorite films of the past ten years.

Michael was forced to leave the LAPD after claiming that the CIA was complicit in selling drugs across America, and he quickly became one of the most original and strident voices to talk about climate change, government corruption, and peak oil through his website, “From the Wilderness.”

Following the release of Collapse, Michael’s personal life underwent something of a collapse itself, and he paid off all his debts, left behind all his friends, and moved with his dog Rags to Colorado, planning to commit suicide.

VICE caught up with Michael in the middle of the epic beauty of the Rocky Mountains at the end of last year. We found a man undergoing a spiritual rebirth—still passionate about the world and with a whole new set of apocalyptic issues to talk about.

Apocalypse, Man is an intimate portrait of an individual convinced of the imminent collapse of the world, but with answers to how the human spirit can survive the impending apocalypse.

Apocalypse, Man is a feature-length documentary to be released over the next few weeks. 

Soundtrack by Sunn O))), Flaming Lips, Interpol, Michael C. Ruppert, and more.

Directed by Andy Capper.


Skinema: Dress-Up Dolls

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Dir: Kevin Moore
Rating: 8
evilangel.com

“Yeah, I have a Ku Klux Klan outfit, so what?”

That’s how I was going to start this review, but truth is I very much hate the damn thing and wish I could get rid of it. Over the past eight years of owning my home, I’ve gone to great lengths to discard some sketchy shit that has been sent to my house to review and that, for whatever reason, I’ve held on to over the years.

I’ve had the bottom of a washing-machine box full of old, cumbersome VHS porn fall out in my arms at the local dump. I’ve filled convenience-store dumpsters with bags full of transsexual DVDs that I could not trade or even give away to transients I met on the street. I’ve thrown duffel bags of worn-out and/or melted silicone dildos off highway overpasses, in hopes of not allowing my garbagemen to find out the true depths of my sexual deviance. (Ever since, I’ve wondered why two dildos melt together when stored on top of each other.) But when it comes to the old yellow plastic bag that the KKK outfit has sat in for the past decade, I’ve never been able to bring myself to even touch it.

For the record, regardless of how much I enjoy sporting a Hitler mustache and making jokes at the expense of old Hitzy, there was never a time when I was mildly interested in the KKK, even for comedic value; I hate white people just as much as the next guy, and certainly more than every other race. I’m not entirely sure how the damn thing came into my possession. It was purchased online and worn by my good friend and former colleague Dave Carnie for the photo to the left, which ran in the now-defunct rabble-rousing skateboard magazine Big Brother’s race-themed “White Issue.” My best guess is that when Larry Flynt killed the magazine in 2004, we were given 24 hours to clean out the offices, and in a mad scramble our possessions were boxed up haphazardly and shipped to our various homes.

We love costumes in our house. We have bins and bins of masks and outfits and wigs and such, but nothing like the Klan robe and hood. They’re pure evil. Like the evil ring in The Hobbit, they laid dormant in a storage facility for many years… until we moved into our home and my wife found them while unpacking. Of course, my first instinct was to get her to try on the hood in the nude for some sexy photos, but she would have no part of it. I tried it on and immediately threw it to the floor as if it were burning my face. I felt like I couldn’t breathe in the thing; it was as if 150 years’ worth of dumb rednecks were standing on my chest as they drowned me in a shallow puddle of moonshine. But I didn’t know what to do with it; I certainly wasn’t going to leave it in my trash can for my African-American garbagemen to find. So I stuck it back in the attic until I could figure out how to properly dispose of it.

I often thought of taking photos of two black men dressed as Black Panthers pointing a pair of sawed-offs at someone wearing the Klan outfit, who would be seated between them in the back of my 1960 Cadillac DeVille, and after that recreate the legendary Jim Thiebaud skateboard graphic of the hanging Klansman, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask anyone else to wear it. At one point, I thought that maybe it would be rendered powerless if I tie-dyed it in rainbow colors. I opted against this potential solution out of fear of its evil possessing my cookware.

It’s recently become a problem again, after my sister came by to borrow my chicken costume. I directed her to the stack of costume bins to find it. Five minutes later she stormed out, threw the Klan outfit at me, cursed me out, and warned against my children finding it.

I really have to get rid of that thing. I’m thinking that when the ground thaws out in the spring I may bury it in the far corner of the backyard where my dog shits. I just hope he doesn’t dig it up and force me to have to throw his racist ass under the bus after he drags it through my neighbors’ front lawn.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko on Twitter.

Sochi Was a Wonderland of Excess Years Before the Olympics

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Seven years ago, I was sent to Sochi to do the dumbest thing one can possibly be sent 7,000 miles to do. I was paid actual money to fly to Sochi so I could produce an international beauty pageant for married women. Naturally, the trip was full of wacky mishaps and a cavalcade of screw-ups by the Russian government. We’ve all read about the Olympian who was forced to hulk-smash his way through a bathroom door, the Olympic rings snafu during the opening ceremony, and the countless other problems plaguing the 2014 Winter Games.

I’ve already written about how the Russians totally fucked up the act of receiving the Olympic bid in the first place by giving away our hotel rooms in Sochi to the IOC and sending us on a surprise trip to Chechnya. Now I’m going to go into more detail about my time in Sochi, and how I was not surprised one bit by the myriad of fuck-ups and PR disasters that permeated these Winter Games. Since this happened seven years ago (the year the Olympics were awarded to Sochi), and I was drunk for roughly 99 percent of the time I was there, I’ll be sharing the few moments I clearly remember.

Dr. Vodka

They really don’t fuck around with vodka in Russia. It’s everywhere, all the time, and it’s incredibly disrespectful to refuse a drink (at least that’s what I was told by my translators/myself to justify how much goddamned vodka I consumed). As a 20-year-old, I was familiar with vodka but hadn’t yet submerged myself in the bitter cynicism it requires to casually drink straight vodka throughout the entire day. I was still accustomed to taking shots during lulls between beer-pong games at shitty house parties in North Hollywood, or cutting my vodka with sugary carbonated beverages. Having a bottle thrust in your face at 7 AM, warm no less, was a new and exciting chapter in my liver-destroying lifestyle.

One of these days that began with vodka ended with blood—and also vodka. The whole town was wrapped up in Olympic fever, or at least that’s what our government chaperones led us to believe. It seemed to me that the whole town was in the throes of a hey-let’s-not-smile-and-we'll-shove-anyone-even-remotely-in-our-way sort of madness. My crew and I were ushered to a supermarket to watch an arm-wrestling match between shoppers that was being put on by a local radio station. I’m not an expert, so I can’t tell you for a fact why the majority of Russians I encountered were so gruff and surly, but if one of my major entertainment options was listening to an arm wrestling match, I’d shove strangers too.

After the sad arm wrestling, we were sent to the base of what are now Sochi’s Olympic ski slopes. Even in February, just like now, there wasn’t much snow, only ice. The ladies competed in a series of inflatable-toboggan races down a small hill while we filmed them. It was pretty boring, except for when a few of the ladies refused to take off their heels and slipped on the ice. Falling down is always funny, and it makes for great television. 

After we finished filming the ladies, some crew members and I were given vodka by our Russian cameramen. Perhaps to commemorate the finished shoot? Or maybe because it was vodka. Who cares? We drank. With liquid courage coursing through our veins, we thought it would be a great idea to take a few slides down the hill ourselves. I went, and it was great. We humans love to manipulate gravity for the purposes of fun.

Our lead producer, Eric, who never let his habit of partying like he was still in college get in the way of his work, mounted the toboggan and began to fly down the hill. He hit a bump. He and the inflatable raft were sent flying into the air. He landed in a lump, amid all of our laughter and jeering. We kept laughing, expecting him to pop up and take a bow, only he didn’t get up.

Someone once told me that if you fall hard you shouldn’t get back up, because you might have a neck injury. I still don’t know if that’s true or not, but I didn’t let that stop me from making sure Eric didn’t sit up. One of the Russians ran to grab the medic while I sat with Eric. He was bleeding pretty badly from his head. The red droplets of life fell from his skull and dotted the ice, turning it into a lazy Jackson Pollock.

Like a clichéd scene from a shitty movie, we had the same conversation for the ten minutes it took the medic to arrive. “Where am I?” You’re in Sochi; you fell off your sled and hit your head. “What am I doing here?” We’re shooting a beauty pageant. “Where am I?” You’re in Sochi—and so on. Finally, the medic slowly ambled up to us. He took one look at Eric, made him follow a pen with his eyes, and smiled. He told the translator that Eric would be fine and sat him up.

I asked about his head wound, and the medic told me he would take care of it. He grabbed the half-empty bottle of vodka and unceremoniously baptized my lead producer with fermented potato water, right there on the ice. He then produced a small bottle of blue liquid from his pocket and doused Eric’s head with it, making him resemble Kano from Mortal Kombat.

It sounds ridiculous, and it was fucking shocking to watch how mundane this was for the Russians, but it worked. The blemish vanished from his face within days, leaving no trace of a scar. We still have no idea what the magical blue elixir was, but we learned a new use for vodka that we’ll hopefully never have to implement again.

The Little Apostrophe That Made A Huge Difference

After an IOC-related detour in Chechnya, we made our way to the hotel in Sochi. On our bus, we daydreamed of hot showers and warm beds. As we pulled into the parking lot, one crew member burst into laughter. He pointed to the front of our hotel. We all began cackling. With the same font, same color scheme, same everything, the grand facade of where we’d be staying for the next week called itself the Caesar Palace. Not Caesars Palace—no, no, that would be copyright infringement. Caesar Palace. This palace didn’t belong to Caesar; it fucking was Caesar.

Every morning, we ate breakfast at a restaurant called Café USA. At first we got our hopes up: Were our days of bland potatoes smothered in dill coming to an end? Alas, no, they just called it Café USA because it had some ceramic cowboys chilling inside. Beets, borscht, and most of all dill. Fucking dill. I don’t ever want to eat anything pickled ever again, unless it’s a goddamned pickle.

Café USA was set up as a normal diner with a dining room in the back that was a little… off. It had weird, smooth chrome poles jutting from the floor to the ceiling at seemingly random places. There was only one booth. Our executive producer, Howard, a cross between Neil Diamond and Robert Evans, commandeered the booth for himself. The rest of us had to eat at strange small tables and chairs situated around the poles. Was this place under construction for the Olympics already? It didn’t make sense. They didn’t look like load-bearing columns; they were chrome. I paid no mind, as you don’t need to be in the lap of luxury to choke down pickled eggs.

The only part of the Caesar Palace that in any way resembled its Las Vegas counterpart was the basement casino. Within a few hours of arriving at the hotel I had already blown through my allotted per diem (which, if I remember correctly, was around $200). I made a promise to myself to not waste any more cash at this probably rigged Russian gambling hall. A few days went by, and I held to that. I am riddled with vices—gambling, drinking, sex, pills, you name it. Getting as drunk as I did and not emptying my bank account at the blackjack tables was a real win for me.

When you film in a heavily corrupt country like Russia, you absolutely must employ a “fixer"—someone who you bribe to make sure that you don’t have to bribe more than you must. Someone to extort the extorters. Ours was a steely, ex-KGB chunk of ice and marble… at least the rumor was he was ex-KGB. I never asked.

Our fixer had two henchmen who looked and acted like they were around my age. The henchmen and I quickly became drinking buddies. I made them laugh, and I liked listening to their stories. They had to have been Russian mafia, and I loved it. I’m a kid from the suburbs, so this was all terribly exciting.

One night, toward the end of the shoot, we were tying one off at the hotel bar. They begged me to come down to the casino with them. I told them about my luck, and they laughed. “We make luck here!” the bigger one guffawed. “No worry, I think your luck turn around tonight.” I took out a hundred bucks and headed down with them. We drank and played blackjack. My $100 lasted much longer this time, long enough, in fact, for me to black out.

I woke up at a small table that looked familiar but felt alien. As my senses realigned, I became aware that I was in the dining room at Café USA. Except it wasn’t morning, and there were no pickled eggs to be found. Within seconds I realized what those chrome poles were for.

At night, Café USA was a no-holds-barred strip club.

Eric, two other producers, and the henchmen were sitting at the table with me. They noticed I had snapped out of my slumber and cheered. One of them got up and grabbed a girl, who led me to the very booth where Howard ate his goddamned eggs every morning. It was the private dance booth.

On the way, one of the henchmen rushed over and thrust a bottle of vodka in my face. I took a swig. Manners, right? I dropped the bottle onto the floor and promptly blacked out again. It marked my first ever strip-club experience. It was also the first and only time I ever fell asleep in the middle of a lap dance. Eric snapped a picture of me passed out under a Russian stripper to commemorate my big night.

I woke up the next morning more hungover than I’d ever been in my life. It might have been my first hangover. Twenty-year-olds don’t get hangovers unless they earn them. I was wearing my pants, one shoe, no socks, and no shirt. Panic struck me as scenes from the previous night’s madness flooded my mind.

I shot up in my bed, feeling around to make sure I didn’t piss on myself or anyone else. Fuck, there’d better not be anyone else in this bed. Luckily, my only companions were two empty bottles of vodka. My dick was dry and no part of me smelled like pussy, stripper's or otherwise. Once again, panic shot through my spine and hit my head like a test-your-strength carnival game.

I remembered going to the ATM at some point, but when? How much fucking money did I take out? I only had around $500 in my account, and I needed that for rent back home. If I gambled away all my money, or even worse, threw it at Russian strippers, I’d be fucked. I gingerly reached into my pocket and rummaged for my wallet. It wasn't even there.

Frantic, I fell out of bed, groping around the dirty hotel carpet. Finally, my hand grasped something leather, only it didn’t feel like my wallet. It was on its head, open but firm. As I grabbed it, I was met with the inescapable urge to vomit. I ran into the bathroom, wallet in hand, and purged a sea of chalky waste into the toilet. I wiped my mouth, turned on the light, and stared at my hand.

Inside my wallet was $4,000.

I didn’t have time to process where this money came from, why I had it, or what I did to earn it. I was a half hour late for breakfast. I gargled some mouthwash as I put on a clean shirt, and then I scampered back down to Café USA. I was met there by my co-producers and the henchmen. They erupted into laughter and applause as I entered the strip club/breakfast nook.

One of the henchmen put his arm around me and whispered into my ear, “See, I tell you your luck turn around.” With that, we all roared with laughter. Across the room, in his private booth, Howard shot us a dirty look while chomping down on a mouthful of pickled egg.

Josh Androsky is a writer/comedian/karaoke enthusiast. See him and other VICE west coast contributors at ENTITLEMENT; Wednesday, March 5 at Los Globos on Sunset Blvd. in Silver Lake. Also, follow him on Twitter @ShutUpAndrosky

The Hidden New Orleans Flea Market No One Wants You to Know About

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People at the Algiers flea market. All photos by Alana Pryor Ackerman

Three massive ethnic flea markets open simultaneously at the base of New Orleans’s West Bank Expressway each Saturday and Sunday. Because this weekly conglomeration blooms on the relatively uncool side of the Mississippi in Algiers—the second oldest neighborhood in Orleans Parish, directly across the water from the French Quarter—the thrifterati have no idea about it, nor do New Orleans’s gastronomes, who sleep late during the market’s weekly Latin feast, where there are as many booths and trucks as at your average New Orleans music festival. Currently divided into three big areas—each with a different name and run by a different family—this Algiers market is over 40 years old.

I step out of my car behind a table where two black ladies haggle over some New Orleans Saints gear. “You gotta represent!” the older one says. I scan tables stacked with makeup, shoes, toys, sunglasses, hair bows and balls, used tools, baseball hats—everything you’d expect and more, laid neatly across crammed-together plywood booths. Within a few steps, I’ve bought a nice student guitar for my daughter for $10. I inspect a Master P “I Got the Hook Up” T-shirt at the booth of the old lady who, the last time I was here, sold me a brand-new Michael Jackson "R.I.P." shirt for $2.

Food-wise, the first of the three markets, called Algiers Mini Mart, hosts but one humble fruit and vegetable stand and a small fry kitchen in what looks like a big white outhouse. Robert Cotton has run this kitchen in this section of the market for 13 years, but he started running the whole shebang six months ago on behalf of 91-year-old owner Betty Grandbouche, who opened the market in 1974 as a simple New Orleans sno-ball stand with a little yard sale area. For health reasons, Betty now prefers to stay at home. “They’re ruining the market,” she says when I ask about all the great new Latin food that’s moved onto the lot behind hers since Katrina. “I have tried my best to keep them off of that lot.”

Robert’s new duties mostly entail collecting the vendors’ money at the end of each weekend, but he still considers cooking to be his real job. The section of the market he runs for Betty doesn’t allow other food vendors, so Robert sold the market’s only food until after Katrina, when, he says, tons of Latin food stands moved into Dix Jazz Mart (the third of the neighboring markets, located behind Algiers Mini Mart). “I used to make $1,000 a weekend selling gumbo and red beans, fried catfish and shrimp, burgers, hot sausage sandwiches—American food,” Robert replies when asked how the market has changed over the years. “It used to be African American and white folks. But since all these Mexicans moved here, I make about half what I used to make.”

The market’s middle section, simply known as Algiers Flea Market, is owned by the mellow Chris Thompson. This is where you will find children crying over their first haircuts in several little barber shops. “Before the storm, the market was more heavily African American,” explains Chris. “The migrant workers came here after Katrina. Everyone refers to them all as ‘Mexicans,’ but most of them are Central American, actually, mostly Honduran. But I don’t care; they all add to the family. Everything here is very family.”

A market vendor

Although Chris’s Algiers Flea Market offers very little food, it does host the whole market’s sole Salvadoran pupusería: a hut with a wide flat grill centerpiece for frying up thick cornmeal pancakes known as pupusas, which come mixed with beans or cheese or chicharrón paste. The pupusa revuelta mixes all three. I eat two mixed on a paper plate at a shaded picnic table with a Honduran family who tell me they moved to New Orleans from Miami because it was too expensive there, and because Hurricane Katrina created jobs. The family and the chef identify the three jars of colorful toppings laid out for our pupusa: the curtido, a fermented Salvadoran coleslaw drowning in vinegar; chumol, which is a mixture of pickled cauliflower, carrot, and jalapeño; and encurtido, or pickled onion, jalapeño, and beets, which are “good for the blood,” the chef tells me.

Bean-and-cheese pupusa with pickled vegetables

I wash down my two pupusas ($5 for two) with Coca-Cola from the kind of big, heavy glass bottle you never see in America. I ask the chef, “Do y’all recycle?”

“We do in Central America,” he smiles. I impress him by adding that in Central America they don’t recycle but actually wash the original bottles, refill, and recap them over and over and over, which makes far more sense than smashing them up and making new glass containers. Drinking a beer in Costa Rica, you may notice your scuffed up bottle looks ten years old.

Fruit stands

Other than the pupusería and a small stand that sells peeled fruit and jugos naturales, the Algiers Flea Market section hosts no other food. But stepping just around the corner into the section called Dix Jazz Mart feels like stepping into a Central American food festival. Twelve or so different booths and trucks sell comidas típicas from a slew of Latin American countries. I sit down in front of one sign to write down the long list of dishes for sale at just one booth: pollo con tajadas (fried chicken and crispy, fried green plantains covered in mole sauce, served on a bed of shredded cabbage and sometimes encurtido), chuletas (spicy fried pork chops served over fried yellow rice or in taco shells), carne asada (a fan-shaped cut of short-loin beef flap steak, marinated, slightly seared, and topped with gravy, usually served over yellow rice), costilla puerco (red barbecued pork back ribs in a green sauce of onion, garlic, and tomatoes), and chicharra con yuca (a sort of stew made from fatty lemon-fried pork—often skin or cheek meat—that’s served over the starchy yuca plant).

Baleadas con carne (beef)

I ask permission of the teenage boy running another stand to take a picture of his bagged Mexican pinwheel snacks called churros (not the long cinnamon sticks, but more like giant pieces of Honeycomb-brand cereal). He hesitantly agrees. I feel my snapping of photos arousing suspicion. But they’re so photogenic, all of the many booths offering deliciously greasy beef and chicken empanadas and other meat pastries displayed in heated glass boxes. I buy a big spicy beef pie, huge and flaky, from Sara Peña and her daughter and grandchild, whose specialty is Honduran baleadas, beans, crumbled cheese, and sour cream on wheat tortillas. “Sometimes they lie flat, but ours are wrapped up like a burrito,” says the daughter, who doesn’t want to be quoted or photographed.

Passing a man selling cheap drums, tambourines, and goat-hoof jewelry, I walk to the very back of the market, where two black dudes are selling stereo equipment and porn DVDs. They’ve heard of VICE, so they ask to take a picture with me before they point me to the Taquería los Poblanos truck and its owner, Miguel, who doesn’t seem happy to shake my hand, so I leave him alone. The Mexican taco booth Gorditas Zacatecanas, selling $2 gorditas, lets me photograph them. I take one last photo of the sopa stand, which is open only on Sundays because the owner also runs a brick-and-mortar restaurant in nearby Gretna, Louisiana.

Finally, the presence of a lone white man taking notes and snapping photos conjures up a small, silent posse headed up by Angela Dix, a black lady who does not look happy. She and two others stand, arms folded, wanting to know why I am taking photos. Their leader and spokesperson Angela has run the back Dix Jazz Mart section–essentially the food section—for the last eight years. I explain to her what I am doing, that I’m just writing a food article, and her mood lightens, but she remains visibly skeptical. I tell her I am done taking photos. She gives me her number, but I get the distinct feeling that she doesn’t necessarily want more people finding out about this hidden Latin culinary treasure.  

Michael Patrick Welch is a New Orleans musician, journalist, and author of books including The Donkey Show and New Orleans: the Underground Guide. His work has appeared at McSweeney's, Oxford American, Newsweek, Salon, and many other publications. Follow him on Twitter here.

The VICE Podcast - Robyn Doolittle on Rob Ford's Crack Saga

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Robyn Doolittle is the author of Crazy Town, a new book chronicling the absurd political mess the city of Toronto has endured at the hands of its crack-smoking mayor, Rob Ford. As one of three journalists to have seen the infamous crack video, Robyn has covered the Rob Ford story extensively for the Toronto Star.

VICE Canada managing editor Patrick McGuire sat down with Robyn to review the past few years of Toronto politics. From Rob's nearly constant gaffes and presumably drug-addled sound bites to the upcoming mayoral election and Canada's restrictive freedom-of-information laws—it's a comprehensive chat. 

The Ukraine Uprising Had Its Bloodiest Day Yet

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Kiev was burning again on Tuesday. After a period of calm, yesterday's violence was the deadliest since Ukraine’s EuroMaidan protests began in November.

The number of deaths rose throughout the day, as more and more corpses were found in the streets of Kiev. By Wednesday morning, at least 25 people had lost their lives, including nine police officers. Reports about the number of injured vary but start at more than 200. A Ukrainian doctor on the scene said that the real number could run "into the thousands," and the tolls of those both killed and wounded are only likely to rise. A stream of photos on social media showed people, many of them apparently unconscious, with their faces covered in blood.

Yesterday’s crackdown was a brutal riposte to anyone who thought the situation in Ukraine would be settled any time soon—a position that didn't seem too fanciful as recently as a few days ago. On Sunday, police and protesters started to pull back from their standoff on Kiev’s Hrushevskoho Street, the site of the worst clashes in January. The place was an absolute mess: a sea of soot, tires, and burned-out vehicles, studded with Ukrainian and foreign flags.

Protesters also withdrew from the Kiev city administration building—once known as Revolution HQ—which they had been occupying since early December. This was a condition of an amnesty deal for anti-government demonstrators, with the prosecution stating it would drop charges against them. When officials returned to their place of work on Monday, they found the place more or less trashed.

All photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

Meanwhile, President Viktor Yanukovych was continuing to ignore calls from the opposition parties demanding early elections. Nevertheless, the UDAR, Svoboda, and Fatherland parties hoped to succeed in at least pushing forward the amendment of Ukraine’s constitution to reduce the power of the president and increase the power of parliament. The violence on Tuesday broke out as parliament was about to discuss the proposals.

That afternoon, metro stations across the city were closed off, officially due to the threat of a “terrorist attack." This tactic has been used before to make it more difficult for people to reach the protests in central Kiev. Riot police marched toward the city center, armed, ominously, with Kalashnikovs. This video from Instytuska Street shows the police attempting to restore order using a water cannon.

Ukraine’s security forces had given the crowds a deadline of 6 PM to put an end to the violence. As evening came, riot police converged on Independence Square, but it was still unclear whether they would strike, and when. Fires broke out in the square, and at some point before midnight central Kiev experienced a street-light outage. According to local reports, cops began to fire UV paint at the protesters to make them easy targets in the darkness.

Meanwhile, the Trade Unions building, located on one side of Independence Square, also started to burn. This had been the protesters' organizational heart for more than two and a half months, and there are reports that riot police entered the building’s upper floors from the roof before the blaze broke out. The Interior Ministry has since accused radical organization Right Sector of setting fire to the building.

Ukraine’s unruly western regions were not dozing, either. In Lviv, protesters captured the regional administration building, police headquarters, and prosecutor’s office. Local news sources say that legal papers and documents were thrown from the windows of the prosecutor’s office and then burned on a bonfire near the building. In one of the windows, an activist appeared holding a bottle of champagne. Official buildings were also captured by demonstrators in Ternopil and Ivano-Frankivsk, in the west of Ukraine.

Around 11 PM, two of the opposition leaders, Vitali Klitschko and Arseniy Yatsenyuk, arrived at Yanukovych’s office for talks, where they were kept waiting for more than an hour. “Yanukovych is hiding,” tweeted a member of Klitschko’s team. “They keep being told that the president will meet with them at any moment.” When the talks finally took place, they came to nothing. Klitschko, the leader of the UDAR (or “Punch”) party, told the Ukrainian media later that Yanukovych had simply said that the protesters should go home.

"We are standing on the edge of the most dramatic page of our country’s history,” Yatsenyuk told the Ukrainian press after emerging from the talks, adding that the protesters have the right to stand on the Maidan. (Yatsenyuk is the current leader of the Fatherland party, which held office in Ukraine before its former leader Yulia Tymoshenko was controversially imprisoned.)

A number of European officials condemned the violence, saying Yanukovych was responsible. “Only person who can now stop catastrophe in Ukraine is President Yanukovich,” tweeted Carl Bildt, the Swedish foreign minister, late on Tuesday night. “His vacillation and violence responsible for situation.” But after three months of protests, many activists are awaiting a response from Europe that is tougher than a critical tweet. This time, it looks like they may get what they want, with EU officials planning to meet up on Thursday to discuss imposing sanctions on those responsible for the crackdown.

In a statement last night, Russia’s foreign ministry blamed the West for the violence, calling it a “direct result” of European politicians and structures that had turned a blind eye to the radical forces in Ukraine from the start of the protests. “The opposition no longer controls the situation among its supporters,” it added. Russia is still busy with the Sochi Olympics, but there is concern about what Moscow might do once Putin is no longer busy watching people slide around on the ice.

On Wednesday morning, the situation was calmer, but the battle does not appear to be over. The Trade Unions building was still smoldering, with dark smoke billowing from the upper floors. The metro was still not functioning, and schools were closed. Protesters set about everyday chores like preparing Molotov cocktails, crushing paving stones to hurl at riot police later on, and having a bite to eat.

In characteristic form, Yanukovych rounded off the events of the previous night with a statement, published at 5:38 AM, calling for dialogue. “It’s my lifelong principle: no power is worth the spilling of a drop of blood,” he wrote. Which was a weird thing to say, given that so far, more than a few drops have been spilled in the battle on the Maidan, and there is no sign yet of that stopping.

Follow Annabelle on Twitter: @AB_Chapman

Long Island's Littlest Beauty Queens

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It's 10 AM on a Sunday morning, and I find myself on a train surrounded by 20-something-year-old men slugging 24-ounce cans of Heineken. I feel the weight of the hangover being experienced by two women in yesterday's makeup and leopard leggings a few seats over. To New Yorkers, this scenery is all too familiar: I am on the Long Island Rail Road­­, and it is not just a leisurely trip to the Island. I am here to attend the Little Miss Long Island pageant in Westbury. This is the kind of thing TLC and Bravo's dreams are made of.
 
"What is VICE?" asked founder and pageant director Debra Marra in her thick Long Island accent over the phone a few weeks earlier. I explained, but it still didn't ring a bell. Regardless, she was adamant and eager to explain that this is not the Long Island edition of Toddlers & Tiaras.
 
Toddlers & Tiaras is obviously for TV," she said. "This is more of a local pageant. One girl­­—the winner­­—will get a contract with a modeling agency from one of the judges. We don’t force the girls to spray-tan and wear fake hair. That’s what I think would be the biggest difference. It’s really up to the moms. I don’t do bathing-suit competitions, as Toddlers & Tiaras does—I don’t think that’s appropriate to, you know, have the little girls walking around in bathing suits. I just don’t like that feel to it. This is more or less their personality and natural beauty.”
 
I enter the venue, Verdi’s of Westbury, with an open mind, walking past the art deco sculptures, mirrored walls that line the hallways, and into the room where the pageant is held. The DJ, a friendly, tan, middle-aged man, is blasting Top 40 radio hits; ­­“Blurred Lines” comes on as a slew of young contestants giggle and gather on the dance floor. I skim the vendor tables—­­pageant wear, lip gloss, Tupperware, among others—­­before heading downstairs to meet with the contestants before the judging begins. “Come & Get It” by Selena Gomez is playing as I make my exit.
 
 
“Maliyah has been doing this since she was six months,” explains pageant mom Susan Snyder. “There isn’t no training. Just stick a binky in her mouth and put her on stage!” At two years old it would seem that Maliyah is already a veteran pageant queen, but this is not the case for everyone. Let it be known that age is not an indicator of experience level on the Long Island pageant circuit. For the oldest contestant (as in eight years old), Gianna Aliani, this was her very pageant. “I’ve been begging them to let me do this,” she gushes, while her aunt explains she’s a busy young girl with other activities and sports.
 
 
Around 12:30 the pageant begins, and the lunch, an assortment of pasta and chicken dishes, is served. “Meet Brooke, she is one year old and her favorite subject is nap time!” exclaims the DJ turned host to the tune of “Happy” by Pharrell Williams as Brooke blows kisses to the judges. A few moments later, a teenager across from me picks up one of the red-dressed pageant queen centerpieces­­ and says, "WHAT THE HELL? Whoever painted this did a really shitty job.” While seated completely at ease with a group of strangers, it’s as if somehow Marra created a pageant atmosphere that feels similar to a family meal with your lovable, boisterous, imaginary Italian family. 
 
 
It’s at this moment I can understand Marra’s point about the intentions and portrayal of her beauty pageant. It would be impossible to ignore the countless, unavoidable gender stereotypes that come with the territory of pageantry. Having spent nearly six hours with this group of Long Islanders, it’s clear that this is a local event with a group of contestants who, for the most part, take themselves seriously but not too seriously. There is an unspoken tension and competitive energy to the event, but the overall vibe is upbeat and encouraging­­—the mothers unanimously claim they will no longer take part in the pageants once their children stop having fun.
 
The day carries on as expected, with no shortage of hair spray, sweat, tears, or backflips. After showing off their Valentine’s Day wear, evening wear, and special talents, the judges add up the scores to determine who will become Little Miss Long Island. When asked what it takes to be Little Miss Long Island, judge Anna Mauro explains it’s all about the “talent, originality, smiles, and the hair.” After a half hour of deliberation over cake and coffee, it’s time to announce the winner—and the ten other finalists, because today everyone is going back to their homes a winner. One by one, the contestants collect their crowns and trophies, smiling proudly from ear to ear. There could only be one Little Miss Long Island, and today that was Brooke Esposito, the adorable one-year-old whose favorite subject is nap time. The judges place the crown on Brooke’s tiny head, which is about half the size of her body, and the $250 cash prize is placed across her lap­­. The audience laughs, and Brooke ends up in tears. 
 
 
In an instant, the girls return to their normal lives. Instead of singing and dancing for the judges, they are rolling on the floor and playing hide-and-seek. There is disappointment in the eyes of a few girls who took it more seriously than most, but all in all, the contestants are happy and overjoyed with their crowns. I overhear Brooke’s mother and one of the judges, an owner of Prestige modeling and acting agency, talking about their plans to discuss Brooke’s contract and future. Who knows, this Little Miss Long Island could very well be the next Miley Cyrus—­­just remember, you saw it here first.
 

Amy Lombard is an NYC-based photographer. Follow her on Twitter.

Why New Semi Trucks Are a Win for the Environment

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Why New Semi Trucks Are a Win for the Environment

Religious Sex Toys Are Frightening and Hilarious

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Jackhammer Jesus. All images via Divine Interventions.

VICE's recent nunsploitation shoot reminded us about how fun, weird and totally hot the tension between sex and religion can be. In fact, it inpired us to look into another facet of the interplay between piety and perversion: religious sex toys. 

It's no secret that in the last decade or so, the sex toy industry in general has seen a boom. While the total value of the industry in Canada is unknown, the US has their industry at about $15 billion. That’s a lot of rubber wangs and simulated vaginas.

Of course with the rise in mainstream sex products, the obscure micro-niches of that economy are also growing. If you're the kind of particular person that only wants to get whipped by an upcycled vegan flogger, someone out there can totally make that happen. Today, thanks to video tutorials, DIY kits, and people with lots of time on their hands, a mini sex toy cottage industry has popped up.

The artisanal religious sex toy industry is very much part of this obscure toy sexplosion. Have you heard of the Holy Water Plug? It’s a sex toy that includes two inches of shiny cold metal that you stick down your urethra in the name of Jesus Christ, out of the little cross on the end comes an au naturel sort of holy water. It sounds painful, and I can’t fathom why anyone would pay 84 dollars to stick this mini pipe down their pee-hole, but the fact remains: It exists because somebody wants it. 

There are companies earnestly trying to bring couples closer to God like Intimacy of Eden or Covenant Spice—who don’t feature any models with their products so Christian couples can remain virtuous while shopping for things to greedily stuff their holes with—and then there’s the fetishist scene whose participants are all for the idea of turning the spiritual into the sexual.

Nigel R. is one of the latter and has been assisting people in having orthodox-inspired orgasms since 1999. Much like other artisanal adult toy companies, the majority of Divine Interventions’ silicone products are handcrafted and coloured by Nigel himself.

Focusing mainly on Catholic-themed sex toys, Nigel first got the idea for Divine Interventions in college when he mistook the picture on the box of his roommate’s Jesus nightlight for a dildo. Now his company features products like the ‘Jackhammer Jesus’ and the ‘Baby Jesus’ butt plug.
 


Baby Jesus butt plug.

In many ways Divine Interventions gets its kicks out of marrying the ultimate binary—sex and religion—into one product. Though the target audience are religious fetishists, a small minority of religious customers have cited using Christian sensual products to improve their sex lives, in turn bringing themselves and their relationships closer to God.

"I got one email from a reformed Catholic who felt very oppressed gorwing up in the church, and thought the toys were great and improved her sex life," explains Nigel over the phone from California.



Diving Nun.

Nigel’s toys don’t only feature the King of the Jews. There’s also the sacreligious ‘Diving Nun,' comprised of a phallic-shaped nun that suctions to the wall to be used in as many ways as your imagination sees fit. Those lacking the appropriate accessories for their newly obtained silicone nun, can pick up some ‘Holy Water’ lube, for the reasonable price of $9.99 (each bottle has been blessed by a priest)."

In case you’re wondering, Nigel grew up a member of the Church of England, however he is now a self-proclaimed Atheist. In terms of negative feedback Nigel says the worst he’s ever gotten was a death threat, as well as a suspect email from someone claiming to be from the Vatican, in which he was accused of violating the copyright of Jesus Christ. “I truly don't understand, our toys don't hurt a soul,” Nigel says. “People really do need to relax when it comes to religion ... and our toys can help.”
 

Buddha's Delight.

However, Nigel is a man that wants every niche, and hole, filled. Unsatisfied with merely catering to Christianity, Nigel branched out into the penis personifying of other religious figures as well.

“Baby Jesus Butt Plug just sort of rolled off the tongue,” Nigel says. “I knew that I wanted to include figures from Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and Hinduism, though the only Hindu and Buddhist pieces are the Shiva Lingam and the Buddha, respectively.” As a side note Nigel recently received a request for a Putin look-alike butt plug that he would affectionately call the ‘Putin-ass’ plug.

In terms of what’s next, “We did think about becoming a church, 'The Temple of Divine Interventions,'” says Nigel. “It would certainly be more fun than Scientology.”
 

@mperason9

SelfieCity Is the Ultimate Exploration of the Selfie

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SelfieCity Is the Ultimate Exploration of the Selfie

Paris Lees: Are People 'Born Gay'? Who Gives a Shit?

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It’s OK to be gay because I say so. Fuck science. If you want to bump uglies tonight with someone who has the same set of genitals as you, go for it. Seriously, this is on me, folks—as one of Britain’s leading slutbags, I now pronounce you free to go gay. Or not. Whatever. I really couldn’t give a shit.

You may have read some stories recently about researchers actually finding this mythical and vitally important "gay gene." Others say they might now be able to tell if someone is gay by their earwax. A lot of this research isn't peer-reviewed, but who cares about dreary old details like that? And who cares that, despite years of searching, scientists don’t even know which genes control height?

These quests to find the mythical "gay gene" have proven to be pretty controversial, to the point that the scientists involved have come out and defended their efforts. Qazi Rahman, a psychologist at King's College London, recently insisted to the Guardian that "we need to do 'gene finding' studies… to have a better idea where potential genes for sexual orientation may lie." Why? Why do we need to know? There are other areas of human sexuality that might be worth investigating. Is there, for example, a rapist gene? A pedophile gene? That knowledge could be useful. But what's the point of finding a gay gene? So homophobic parents-to-be can abort gay fetuses? If that’s not the reason, what is?

When I was working as assistant editor of Gay Times magazine last year, we were sent loads of books about being gay. Books upon books upon books and all of them boring as fuck. Why? Why must we explain everything? There isn’t a prize if you solve all the clues. Some people are gay. Get over it. I’m sick of hearing “gay people don’t choose to be gay” like that excuses it. You may as well say, “Poor gay people, they can’t help it.” We hear it all the time from well-meaning straight “allies,” as well as gay and bisexual people themselves, especially in the US. I like guys and gals, and I frankly couldn’t give a shit whether I was born this way. I do care about dying, though, and the only thing science knows for sure is that it’s going to happen to all of us one day. So I’m not going to waste precious time trying to explain every aspect of my blink-and-you’ll-miss-it existence.

There are times when academia really gets on my nerves. I get that the pursuit of knowledge is, in and of itself, a noble aim and useful in ways we may not at first realize. And I appreciate that, as human beings, we are curious and keen to add to the bank of collective knowledge in the hope of moving humanity a little bit further. Lord knows we need something. I just don’t feel like this gay gene is the missing piece of the jigsaw.

Sometimes we’re told gay is OK because animals do it. Have you heard about bonobos? Filthy little monkeys that lie around wanking all day and playing with each other. Everything goes. Girl-bonobo-on-girl-bonobo action. MILF-bonobo action. Bonobo bukakke. Their entire lives are essentially big orgies that make London’s week-long gay slamming parties seem like Holy Communion at Westminster Abbey. There are thousands of species other than Homo sapiens that have been shown to indulge in same-sex fun and games. Lesbo lions, gay giraffes, and bisexual bonobos—they’re all at it, apparently. Good for them. But it doesn’t mean a damn thing. Even if humans were the only species to do gay shit, it would still be natural because we are a species too and, if we do something, it is by definition natural. Remember, killing is natural. So just because something is natural doesn’t mean it’s desirable. The reverse is also true. Lots of good things like medicine and TV and reading this awesome article on your computer—a computer, for fuck's sake!—aren’t considered "natural." And yet no one seems to have a problem with them.

People get turned on by all sorts of weird stuff. Some people can only come with their legs closed. Some people like to be beaten. I love it if you grab my throat and pull my hair till my eyes water, and I used to know a guy who could only get off while sniffing rubber toys he got free with McDonald's Happy Meals. Was that genetic? I just put it down to the fact that “everyone is a bit fucking weird, and I don’t really need to know why.” It’s my top theory.

Call me a luddite, but we shouldn't necessarily count on science to make gay OK. In many cases, science is as guided by morals as religion. It was science that tried to "cure" Alan Turing of homosexuality through electroshock therapy and chemical castration. That he was one of the brightest scientific minds of the 20th century adds a cruel irony, but he was by no means the only gay man for whom science thought it had all the answers. Until the 70s, the American Psychiatric Association still classified homosexuality as a mental illness. It's not the science that’s the problem; it's what scientists view as moral priorities and the way people choose to use knowledge. As American physicist Richard Feynman said, "Scientific knowledge is an enabling power to do either good or bad—but it does not carry instructions on how to use it."

I’m more interested in the "scientists" behind this "gay gene" research, such as the Texan J Michael Bailey. He's spent years hanging around gay bars talking to gay and transgender people, which is kind of weird considering he’s a heterosexual man—don’t you think? If this oh-so straight father of two does find a way of identifying fetuses that'll turn out gay, he's totally cool with parents choosing to abort them. He dresses up his research as concern; he wrote: “The brains of homosexual people may be mosaics of male and female parts.... Learning why gay men are more easily depressed than straight men might tell us why women are also." He doesn’t seem to question whether depression among gay men and women could have anything to do with all the straight men like him who just won’t leave us alone.

Bailey recently made headlines after he let someone make a woman come with a sex toy called a “fucksaw” during one of his college classes. The fucksaw sounds somewhat cool, but the point is that the man is a douche. His book about transgender people, The Man Who Would Be Queen, was panned as scientifically unsound, and numerous people who were featured in it filed complaints of misconduct. Stanford University neurobiologist Ben Barres, himself transgender, said the book was one of "the most unsympathetic portrayals of transsexuality ever written." In response, Bailey quoted a line from his book: "True acceptance of the transgendered requires that we truly understand who they are." Bullshit. True acceptance of transgender people simply requires that we truly accept transgender people. Ditto gay people. The end.

Some people like the taste of pizza, and some people like the taste of cock. So what? Life is chaotic and unknowable, and there are far more important things to worry about than why people with pussies like licking other people’s pussies. Maybe it’s just fun. Why doesn’t fun ever get mentioned in these studies? Write a paper on that if you want, science. I’ll be busy banging. Because whatever gets your rocks off, if it feels good, I say just do it. Suck. Scissor. Shove a fucksaw smeared with gay earwax up your butthole for all I care. If everyone is adult and you’re not hurting anyone without his or her full and informed consent, I hereby declare it OK to be gay. If you fancy it. No reason required. You’re welcome.

Follow Paris (@parislees) and Sam (@SptSam) on Twitter.

Meet Lupe Fuentes, Former Adult Film Star Turned Deep House DJ

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Meet Lupe Fuentes, Former Adult Film Star Turned Deep House DJ

This Doctor Says He Can Cure Heroin Addicts by Putting Them in a Coma

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Patients at Nazaraliev Medical Center

Muhammad had many good reasons for being pissed off. He was far from home, his arm was bleeding, and he'd recently come out of a coma. The stranger asking about his heroin addiction probably didn’t help. But he had already tried drug clinics in France, Spain, Italy, and Turkey, and none of them had worked. He’d come to Kyrgyzstan because he thought it was his last chance.

He’d traveled from Algiers based on the reputation of the Nazaraliev Medical Center, a private clinic near Bishkek. The center claims that 80 percent of its patients stay drug-free for at least a year after receiving treatment there. Many of those it treats come from Russia or the former Soviet Union, but there’s no shortage of domestic customers. Heroin use has drastically increased in Kyrgyzstan over the last decade. The last official estimate, in 2006, put the number of intravenous drug users in the country at 26,000. According to Dr. Alexander Zelichenko, director of the Central Asian Center on Drug Policy, there may now be around 100,000 users in a country with a population just below 5.6 million.

At the center’s gates I was met by Batma, my interpreter, a slim young woman wearing a long beige dress that made her look like Princess Leia. She led me into a room with eight hospital beds, two of which were occupied by middle-aged men with very pale faces. One was lying on his back, very still. The other breathed loudly through his mouth. Occasionally he jerked in spasms. They were undergoing "ultra-rapid opiate detoxification," which involves being injected with Naltrexone. The drug blocks the receptor sites where heroin acts on the nervous system and thus takes all the fun, euphoric parts out of opiate abuse. This process induces accelerated withdrawal, leading to intense pain, craving, and nausea. The center has a way to prevent the patient from experiencing any of this—namely, putting them in a coma for four hours.

The patients were being watched over by a doctor with a mustache. When I asked if it was hard to convince patients to agree to the procedure, he shook his head. "Most are happy to be in this state because when they come to us they are in a lot of pain. We do this to stabilize them. They used to do this in America, but there were some complications."

This was an understatement. The Guidelines of the US National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence advise that "ultra-rapid detoxification under general anesthesia or heavy sedation... must not be offered. This is because of the risk of serious adverse events, including death." Doubts about the method are not confined to its risks. A recent US study compared detoxification with and without the use of anesthesia and found no differences in rates of completion of treatment programs.

Members of Nazaraliev staff

Yet, although the method is an integral part of treatment at the center, it isn’t mandatory. Sometimes a patient’s health precludes it. According to the doctor, "ten years ago patients were healthier—now their organs are like those of a 60-year-old." He attributes this at least partly to changes in drug use since the breakup of the Soviet Union. Fewer drugs were available, so people would often only use one drug, whereas now they can find whatever they want.

I asked if I could take a photo of the patients. "Of course," said Batma. "They won’t know. They are asleep." I took two photos before one of the nurses thought to disguise the men’s identities by looping a surgical mask over their eyes.

But rapid detox is only one part of the treatment. Of greater importance is what the center calls "mindcrafting," a blend of meditation, counseling, and Jungian psychoanalysis. Its aim is to rebuild the patient’s self-esteem and give them the "strength of mind to keep one step ahead of others in the context of globalization, with its rapid development of information technology and the rule of money and stress."

The corridors of the center are full of posters that seek to build these capacities. When we left the detox ward, I saw one that featured a cartoon of the human brain. The right hemisphere was colored red and had areas named "shame expander," "wimp centre," and "self-loathing reflex." On the left was "gun lust lobe," "invasion gland," and "oil shares layers." Beneath the brain, a pair of eyes stared up sorrowfully.

I asked Batma about the center’s high success rate. "There are no 100 percent guarantees, and of course it depends on their health. But if they have the motivation, it is possible. And treatment here is expensive compared to other places; a person thinks carefully before he agrees to it."

A month’s treatment for opiate addiction costs almost $8,000, with a "luxury" option that includes VIP meals and accommodation at a premier resort available for around $11,000. Even the regular treatment is beyond the means of most residents of Kyrgyzstan, where the average monthly wage is around $130.

For those who can’t afford this treatment, there are several state-run methadone clinics in Bishkek. The alternative, according to Batma, was that an addict's "parents just lock him in a room for a few weeks. Obviously," she said, then laughed, "it is not the best! What can also help is a problem stronger than addiction. For instance, Nick, if you have some stresses, if we throw you out of an airplane, you will forget about your problems."

On the way to the patients’ rooms we passed a gray-haired man wearing the dark glasses of the blind, but without a stick. He was moving slowly, and with care, but not touching the walls. “He has worked here for many years,” said Batma.

We went into a sparsely furnished room where a muscular man sat on a bed eating a Bounty bar. Andrey had come from Moscow, where he worked on subway tunnels. He had already finished the main part of his treatment and had come back as an outpatient. In a low, hoarse voice he told me he was originally from Magadan, in the northern subarctic of Russia. He’d started using opium in high school, then moved onto amphetamines and heroin. He joined the army after he left school and fought in the First Chechen War from 1994 to 1996, after which he gave up drugs. Several years later he was sent to prison (for what, he didn’t say), where he started using heroin again.

Andrey

I asked Andrey if anything about the center’s methods had surprised him. There was a pause after Batma translated, long enough to make me wonder if I had asked the wrong question. Then he laughed in a slow, deep way that sounded wonderful.

"Everything!" he said. But what he found most challenging was the "mindcrafting." Patients are offered a narrative of struggle and redemption that draws on a blend of Jungian symbols and Kyrgyz folklore, what the center calls "lapidopsychotherapy." Patients are asked to choose a large stone and then hold it for 15–20 minutes every day while verbalizing their problems, either to another person or to themselves. The aim is for negative experiences to be imprinted on the "information memory of the stone." The treatment ends with the stone being carried up the Tashtar-Ata Mountain of Salvation and thrown onto a huge pile of other stones, thus freeing the patient of his or her troubles.

When we finished talking, I asked Andrey if I could take his photo; he nodded and stood. We went over to the window, and he stared calmly at me while I adjusted the camera. In the sunlight he looked tired, much older, as if he’d woken from the deepest sleep.

At lunchtime Batma and I ate rice and lamb with salad on a platform by the river. The water was so loud it all but drowned the birdsong. What with the setting, the food, and the warm sunshine, I was feeling very relaxed when Batma asked if I had ever used drugs. "Yes," I said. "But not heroin."

It was after lunch that I met Muhammad, the 25-year-old from Algiers who had been at the center for only four days. When I first saw him he was sitting on an unmade bed while a nurse tended to his arm. There wasn’t much blood, just a two- or three-inch trail. We shook hands, and I introduced myself in French, but when my French ran out we had to resort to a complicated system by which I addressed my questions to Batma, who spoke them in Russian to Muhammad’s friend Ahmed, who translated them into French.

Muhammad’s first coma had been difficult—his sight and memory were impaired for several hours. He was also disorientated and at first thought he was back in Algiers, and he couldn’t recognize Ahmed. It also made him hyperactive and unable to sleep. Yet he was optimistic about his chances of recovery. When the doctors offered him painkillers after he came out the coma, he threw them away. He said he was determined to get well and then go back to Algeria and marry his girlfriend.

This seemed like a good place to end things, but when I got up to leave, Muhammad protested. "Encore," he said repeatedly. I sat down, and he told me that if you were caught with drugs in Algeria you could go to prison for ten years. He claimed there was no treatment available for drug addiction inside, and that some people committed suicide rather than face the conditions.

Muhammad went on to accuse the Algerian government of being involved in the drug trade, both to make money and to ensure that there were enough drugs to keep people obedient. As he spoke his voice grew louder, his gestures more violent, as if he were arguing with someone who refused to be convinced. But when his mood shifted, the change was total. He lay back, looking exhausted.

From there, we went to a gymnasium and watched two men in shorts and T-shirts breathe at various speeds. First, they breathed slowly, bringing their arms up, then down. Then they were told to take deeper, faster breaths, while their arms went up and down so fast it was like they were trying to fly.

The last stop on our tour was an interview with Doctor Nazaraliev, after whom the center was named, a bald, thickset man in his 50s whose heavy tan made him look like a wrestler returned from a cruise. Doctor Nazaraliev told me of his quest to understand the causes of drug addiction. In the 1990s he had traveled around the world to meet drug dealers, addicts, police, and politicians. "I was in situations where I could have been murdered," he said, laughing.

His conclusion was that although social conditions, like poverty or unemployment, play a role in triggering drug abuse, individual psychology is of more importance. "It doesn’t matter if a person is poor or rich. If a person has an inferiority complex, is not a whole person, then there is a lack of spirituality. Their substitute for this is drugs, alcohol... some perversions.”

I asked if he thought it would be good to legalize some drugs: "Yes, but you must be very selective with this. Western people have gone through 500 years of personal development, and in those countries some drugs can be legalized—anything up to heroin. But in other countries, who reason on a collective basis, Latin America, Africa, post-Soviet countries, they don’t get the difference between light and hard drugs. Genetically, they are disorganized. If you legalize heroin, the country will be destroyed."

Doctor Nazaraliev

Such a deterministic view seemed to contradict the center’s emphasis on individual agency. My skepticism must have been apparent, because the doctor reached for a pen and piece of paper. "The human psyche," he said, then drew a circle, "is divided into three parts. The conscious, the unconscious, and an upper consciousness. As Westerners, you live in the conscious, you’re very smart, but have no intuition or insight—no enlightenment."

He drew another circle. "Humans consist of three parts: the mental, the emotional, and the body. We Kyrgyz are nomads; we are only 10 percent mental. This is why we like to fight. And have sex. If you give Kyrgyz people a billion dollars, they will try to steal it or hide it." The thought seemed to delight him.

Ascending the Mountain of Salvation is the climax of the mindcrafting program. In Kyrgyz, the mountain is called Tashtar-Ata, which means "father of the stone." According to Batma, Tashtar was a hero who had fought in a war against evil using special stones. After winning the war, Tashtar lay down to rest forever. In the place where his heart stopped beating, a mountain grew.

The view from Tashtar-Ata

The holiest place on it is a thorn tree on the lower slopes. People tie strips of cloth to its branches to petition Tashtar to grant them health and fortune. Patients are encouraged to do the same; for them the act is said to be a means of "recharging with strong directives, vitality, and confidence for a brighter, better future, trying to cut away a past filled with evil."

The center’s use of this narrative of struggle and redemption is an inspired piece of therapeutic opportunism, but for those whose belief systems can’t accommodate shamanic ritual, there are Christian, Islamic, Buddhist, and Jewish sites higher up the mountain.

We began to climb; after ten minutes we saw the three-barred cross of the Russian Orthodox Church. It was on top of a wooden hut supported by a concrete arch; gilt-framed portraits of Jesus, the Virgin Mary, and Patriarch Kirill looked down benignly. It took longer to reach the next shrine, a tree festooned with Tibetan prayer flags. On the ground, flanked by golden cups, a small Buddha was contemplating a twig and a pebble.

"Let’s rest," said Batma, and I gratefully obliged. For several minutes I thought about the blood on Muhammad’s arm, the twitch of the man in the coma. I wondered if I was too rational. It occurred to me that "shame expander" would be a great name for a band. When I heard the flick of a lighter, I didn’t turn around. Only when a familiar smell reached me did I look behind. "It’s a J," she said and handed me the joint. We passed it between us until the lines of Bishkek seemed small in the landscape of hills.

My Parents Had Me Abducted and Sent to a Mormon Treatment Centre

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Illustrations by Marc Holmes.

I was a pretty normal kid, for the most part. I grew up in Maryland as the 5th of 7 children. My parents were devout Christians and spoke of God often. I loved being outside, so I played in the woods behind my house, climbing trees and building forts.

I never really liked school, and I got in trouble a lot as a kid—but never for anything too serious. As a teenager, I pretty much dicked around. If I did go to school it was to hang out, or find my friends so we could skip school and smoke weed. Instead of going to high school, I enrolled in a home-schooling program and worked full time, chopping wood and other various jobs.

Around 15, I got some different friends, then got into heavier drugs and drinking. I was getting arrested and had a lot of attitude. I would mouth off right into cops’ faces. My friends and I were dealing coke and other illicit substances out of my room, which I had locked with several screwed-in padlocks. I wasn’t listening to anyone, and wanted to get my own place to continue distributing. Looking back, I can’t believe how I was acting. My brother is that age now, and if I saw him act the way I did, I would smack him in the face with a shovel. By 16 I was slipping away, and it was putting a huge strain on my girlfriend and family.

I remember the night it happened. It was a regular, calm night. I was hanging out with my sister and dad, before falling asleep on the couch in my boxers. At around two or three in the morning, two guys burst in the front door and held me down. I tried fighting back, but they were both twice my size. They told me they were from West Ridge Academy and that they now had legal guardianship over me. They grabbed my pants from my room and carried me out their idling van, where they sat on either side of me and put the child-locks on. As they were carrying me out I saw my dad in the hallway. “I’ll tell your friends you’re out in Utah now,” he said. I remember looking at him like, “I’m gonna make sure you never forget this.”

They drove me to the airport, already had my ticket ready, and got onto the flight with me to Utah.  No one said a word to each other. As I sat on the plane, I felt the anger building up inside me. Halfway through the flight I went to the bathroom and just broke down. I put my head against the wall and freaked out for a few minutes before silently walking back to my seat.

I got to the campus in the woods in the middle of nowhere and saw a bunch of kids walking in single file lines in different coloured shirts. They didn’t explain anything to me, except that I couldn’t contact anyone. They just stripped me down, took my necklace off, shaved my head and put a bright yellow crew shirt on me. I was now a part of West Ridge Academy youth residential treatment center.

When I got there it was lunchtime, so I went to the meal hall with everyone else who had a yellow shirt on. We were told that we couldn’t talk to anyone. So, I sat there eating in silence and looked around. To my right, this kid had his head down on the table not eating, just looking completely defeated and depressed. To my left, another kid was just staring at his food, not eating either. I learned later that this was the start of his hunger strike, and that his plan was to get sent to the hospital so he could escape from there.

After lunch we were put to work clearing a field for a baseball diamond they wanted to make. We worked in silence until it was dinnertime, after which we were told to shower before bed. In the shower I broke down again, harder this time. It all became very real; I felt like I was thrown in a river with no way out. My anger turned into this sorrow and self-pity; a deep loneliness. When it was time for bed they showed us to a big empty room. The 15 or so of us lay down on the cheap carpet and tried to sleep. A few staff sitting on chairs watched us all night. Surrounded by other people breathing in the dark, I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

Every kid wore one of four colours, depending on how much trust they had in you. You start off with yellow, which means you have no privileges. For the first few weeks I dug holes, worked in the fields, and scrubbed toilets all day. I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone and no one was allowed to speak to me, except for staff. I worked, ate and slept. Someone was watching me 24/7—even when I went to the bathroom. It sucked. The best part of my day was walking from one job to another. We walked in a single file line, hands behind our back, and I got to be alone with my thoughts for a moment.

All I could think of during those first few weeks was, “How the hell do I get out of here?” They told me nobody had ever successfully escaped from West Ridge, but that kids tried all the time. I heard stories about escape attempts gone horribly wrong, and started to believe it. They have ties with the local police system, and the way they monitored us was pretty incredible. Someone checked up on us every hour of the night with a flashlight, and the doors to our cabins were tripped with alarms. If you wanted to go to the bathroom, a staff member had to deactivate the alarm with a code, and escort you to and from the toilet.

I have never felt more alone in my life than the first night I slept there. I had gone from this cocky kid who listened to no one, made his own rules and did whatever he wanted, to basically being someone’s bitch. They had complete control over everything I did. I was stuck at this place, following orders, unable to talk to anyone and had no idea when or how I would ever get out.

I learned pretty quick that fighting back wasn’t gonna get me anywhere. Anyone who broke the rules—showing up late, not standing up straight, not tucking your shirt in, not being clean shaven, talking back to staff, showing disrespect—were subjected to humiliating punishment. They made you do pushups, run laps, stand in the corner with your head against the wall or, if it was really bad, put you back into a yellow shirt. If you showed disrespect to a female staff, you were completely screwed. They instilled a type of fear in us; the more you resisted the worse off you were gonna be. So I kept my mouth shut, and bent over, so to speak, when I needed to.

About ten years ago West Ridge Academy was known as Utah Boys Ranch. The punishments used to be way worse. You’d hear about how they used to have Tuesday night therapy sessions for homosexuals where their urges would be ‘treated’ with putting IcyHot on their own genitals. You’d hear horror stories of physical abuse. I didn’t know whether to believe them or not. You could never be completely sure why someone was there, but we suspected some were still at West Ridge because they were gay. 

When it was Utah Boys Ranch, it was a Mormon camp. They used to have to read the book of Mormon and confess their sins to a Bishop. We were encouraged to read the book and talk to the Bishop, but it was optional when I was there. West Ridge still retains Mormon values, but you don’t have to be Latter Day Saints to go there. Along with a ‘tough love’ attitude, they used a combination of Mormon values and Alcoholics Anonymous methods to treat kids. If you were a devout Christian you probably would get out slightly sooner.

I stayed in a little house with ten or so other teenagers, who were all in the same boat as me. A lot of them had trouble with drugs and authority, and some of them were mentally unstable. Some were court-ordered to be there. Some were sexual deviants, like they had committed bestiality or other acts. One kid used to draw with his own shit on the wall. We called him Poocasso.

Poocasso at work.

Everyone appreciated everyone else’s frustration, and that sense of going through something together helped us. Your progress was assessed by your head councilor, who had the final say over what happened to you. He could get you into a different shirt, and one day, send you home.

Every house was joint-run by a married Christian couple and an assistant. We woke up early and said prayer every morning, cleaned our sleeping space and then went to the dining hall for breakfast. We helped prepare breakfast or clean the kitchen afterwards; depending on which house you were in. After that, if you were privileged enough you went to class. Since I was still in work crew, I still just did labour all day. We went to bed every night at 10:30. There was pretty much nothing in our rooms except beds, so that we couldn’t hurt ourselves.

A few weeks in, my councilor met with me and told me I was going to be transferred to the outdoor program, which is where I heard they sent the worst kids. I hadn’t been that bad, so it surprised me. The next morning they took me and two or three other kids up into the mountain with backpacks. We started off with group team building activities, like walking together tied by ropes. We slept outside every night, and would hike miles around the mountains and Utah desert every day. At the end of each week we would stock up on our weekly food rations at the small convenience store at the mountain base and head back up. Every so often, they would take us all out separately to a random place in the woods and leave us there for three days. You were supposed to write in your journal, pray, and have time alone with your thoughts.

The first time, they took me out into the mountain around midnight and said, “Stay here. We’ll come back and get you.” I woke up in the morning completely disoriented like, “What the hell is this?” and tried to find someone else. I walked for hours and started to get worried. I ran into someone else from the outdoor program in the woods who told me they thought I was trying to escape, and had set the search and rescue helicopters on me. I remember thinking how intense the helicopters were, and really believing that the security was as serious as they said it was. The next time they left me in the forest alone, I stayed where I was.

They brought me back to campus after a few weeks, and upon getting positive feedback from the outdoor staff my councilor put me into a green shirt. I could now talk to other campers and go to class. We went to church every Sunday. Like I said, West Ridge was strongly religious—mostly Mormon—but they let you choose your own denomination at church as long as you prayed and told them about it. I still hadn’t talked to anyone from the outside, and since I had no internet, phone, or computer I had little idea what was going on in the real world.

About a month in, when I was really bitter, I wrote a letter to my parents. I told them that I had changed, that I had seen what I’d done wrong, that I was willing to live differently and just wanted to come home. I wanted to know what was going on with my friends and girlfriend. Mostly I wanted to go home. My councilor read the letter and withheld it, deciding that I wasn’t sincere. A few months later I got a letter from my girlfriend, which was the first contact I had had with the outside. They had read her letter too, and waited months until they thought I was ready to see it. Eventually, I was able to write back and forth to people, and my friends started sending me letters.

As I moved up to blue shirt, I figured out which staff not to piss off. A few of the staff were there specifically just for discipline and security, and they definitely were taking advantage of the power trip. The vice principal was definitely the wrong guy to annoy. We were eating breakfast one time, and he thought we were being too rowdy so he flipped over the table and yelled, “EVERYONE OUTSIDE, NOW!” We went outside in our t-shirts and pants, single file in the snow and he started drilling us like it was boot camp. He made us run laps around camp and he would stop the slowest one to get them into the pushup position. He did that until there was one runner left, and then everyone got down and did pushups in the snow. We had to make sure our clothes didn’t get dirty because that meant more pushups, so we stuck our hands in the snow and kept going until he told us to stop.

Another time the staff heard a rumour that there were drugs on campus, so they got everyone into the cafeteria and told us to lie down on our stomachs with our hands behind our backs. We lay there for three and a half hours while he cut open mattresses and looked in every crevice until he found it. Some of the campers were starting to get pissed off towards the end, and were talking back to the staff. Every staff on duty was in the cafeteria, in case the 150 or so of us tried to use our numbers against them.

One kid had a perfect track record, had been promoted to red shirt, and was ready to graduate—to go home. A few days before his release, he got in an argument with the principal and punched him in the face. The principal slammed him onto the ground and put him into a chokehold until he stopped resisting. The kid was pretty big, maybe 180 pounds, but the principal was more like 260 and had been getting in fights with kids for a long time. We all stood there shocked, knowing that one wrong step and we could get in trouble too.

I started getting used to the place. I went on a streak of good behaviour and not making mistakes. I was able to call home once in a while, and they even let me visit my brother, who lived a few hours away on some weekends. When I called my parents I made an effort to sound happy, because any lashing out would set me months backwards. I was able to read all of the letters my girlfriend was sending me, and write back without getting censored. I got promoted to red shirt, which is the highest you can get. I was delegating tasks to other kids, and was the leader of my house. I was still purely just motivated by the desire to get out of there, but it was becoming easier. They started talking to me about graduating, and one day I packed up and left.

"I can't attribute everything I am to West Ridge, but I'm happy."

I got home on April 29th, 2007. It had been almost a year, and I was 17 now. I was officially the son of my parents again. I still had a little bit of resentment towards them but genuinely had missed them. Mostly it was just nice to be out of West Ridge. I hadn’t seen my girlfriend in a long time, so that was a big deal. I finished up a few more homeschool credits and graduated high school that year. For a little while I started down a self-destructive path again but had the clarity this time to see it for what it was and change it.

Sometimes I get asked if it was worth it; if it is a good program. It worked, but it took a long time to work. At the time I hated it, but good things have come from it. The outdoor program inspired me to pursue my love for nature, and I’ve hiked over 1,200 miles since. The experience gave me an appreciation for my freedom, and taught me how useful it is sometimes to keep my mouth shut. As for my parents, they really were just worried and had good intentions, however radical the outcome was.

It definitely sucked—I advocate standing up for yourself and not compromising your principles, but I’m not sure what would have happened if I hadn’t gone. A few of the friends that I had have since gone to jail, passed away, or have unwanted children. It’s just a lifestyle you can’t sustain after a certain point. I can’t attribute everything I am now to West Ridge, but I’m happy—I’m close with my family and don’t battle with drugs and alcohol anymore.

I went to University of Maryland for a bit afterwards, but didn’t want to get a Bachelors’ just to say I got one. I wanted to go in with some vocation and purpose. So I’m going out west now to study construction management. My dream is to one day build my own house.

Social Media Managers Are Dipshits, Continued

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The men and women who make up the “digital creative class” are a disgrace to their forebears. The industry, as it stands right now, has the imagination of a sheet of drywall. They have managed to create an atmosphere where even the laziest, most lackluster ads are praised among their coworkers and celebrated as “brilliant” by the internet’s media-blogging lemmings. The quality of work has plummeted to such a low point in the digital advertising and marketing industry that I feel like a fucking Creative God, when in reality I am just an above-average copywriter.

Nearly all of today’s social media managers, even the “good” ones, wouldn’t have cut it at the lowest level of a good creative agency 30, 20—heck—ten years ago. By way of example, let’s look at what is now universally considered the most magnificent social media brand creation ever: Oreo’s 2013 Super Bowl blackout tweet ad.

The man who takes credit for this historical advertising masterpiece is Adam Kerj (who probably is not a dipshit), chief creative officer at New York City digital marketing agency 360i. His “real-time” ad garnered 525,000,000 earned impressions for Oreo.

As a tweet, this one wasn't half bad (although if 360i had tweeted it during a blackout at, say, an NBA championship game, it would have been better). The problem I had with it was the amount of fevered praise it received from all corners of the internet. Everyone employed in the social media world leaped without thinking onto the Oreo garbage barge that night, lauding, gushing over, and ejaculating on the tweet like it was the second coming of “Lemon.”

Below is a (slightly) better Super Bowl XLVII blackout Oreo tweet ad that I thought up in under one minute.

Tweet copy: “Here’s the official cookie of the Super Bowl blackout.”

Ad headline: “The Chocolate Oreo. It’s dark inside too.” (The game was in the Superdome in New Orleans, for you non-football/ad fans). The layout would be a cookie in a spotlight, small headline in reverse white-on-black type, two lines, centered on the page.

My ad is not great, but it makes more sense, considering the circumstances.

Was there an “Oreo Moment” at this year’s Super Bowl? Well, JC Penney was the clear “earned impressions” winner. But their Twitter attention grab was so juvenile and asinine it made Oreo’s look brilliant.

To that point, let’s take a look at that stunt, plus a sampling of the dipshittiest social media work via major brands from the first six weeks of 2014.

 

 

 

JC Penney’s Twitter maven had the internet abuzz during the Super Bowl with his/her typo-filled tweets. What the fuck on God’s good Earth was going on?

He/she was wearing mittens!

And BOOM, there it was: Adland’s Oreo moment.

I would wager that a few social media dipshits have since dug out their mittens (or bought a pair) and stared at their screens, racking their impressions-driven brains trying to think of a similar stunt.

 

 

It’s said that there are no rules in advertising, but one thing that should now be an ironclad social media branding rule is this: SHUT THE FUCK UP on somber days of remembrance. Right, SpaghettiOs?

Last month, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the Twitter genius at popchips decided to get out his or her pun gun and re-assassinate MLK. Did you know King was an “eternal poptimist?” Wonder if he heard the rifle “pop” as that 30-aught-six round ripped through his jaw?

 

 

Also quick to jump on MLK’s grave to sell product was ZzzQuil. You can imagine the brand’s Twidiot, rubbing his or her mittened hands together with glee over the perfect connection between civil rights and drug-aided sleep. I believe MLK also said, “I’ll dream when I’m dead.” Do the dead dream? We’ll all find out.

Now this is a scintillating Facebook update.

ARE YOU NOT ENGAGED?

With crackerjack minds like this in charge of the brand face of Sony, it’s hard to believe projections that they’ll be bankrupt within two years.

Surf just posted one of their ads from the 1950s (Surf was introduced in 1959) to their Facebook page. At least that is what I’m assuming is going on here. That mum looks pretty modern, though. Anyway, do you agree with Surf, women who have children? Go engage with them, here’s their page. You’ll meet their bright white mascot, Surfy!

Lastly, I guess one could argue that Applebee’s is hitting their target demo square in the gut with this Facebook mind expander. SHIT is a color. SHIT doesn’t have an “e” in it. SHIT is my answer. SHIT.

Here's a great tip for all the social media dipshits out there: Follow the Condescending Corporate Brand Facebook page. It may save you from showing up in this column in the future.

@copyranter


How to Swim from Cuba to Florida

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How to Swim from Cuba to Florida

Degmo Is a Cultural Boot Camp for Somalis in the Welsh Countryside

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Photo by Mark Hay

From the hills near Hangingheld Farm—an organic, 110-acre smallholding on the edges of the medieval Welsh hunting grounds known as Radnor Forest—you can just spy Offa’s Dyke, the great historic dividing line between Wales and England. Somewhere on the hills, you can probably spot some of farmer Hamish Wilson’s pacific Lleyn sheep or ginger Highland cows. And if you happen to be up around Hangingheld between April and October, you’re likely to see a massive aqal—a Somali nomad’s tent—pitched around the property. Nearby, groups of British Somalis, both old and young, fry up squishy, fermented laxoox flatbread, play games of shax, and try their hand at milking cows and cleaning the milk pots with the culay technique—a Somali method of scouring that uses heated firebrands.

These are the months when Hangingheld transforms into Degmo, a name derived from the Somali term for nomadic families who’ve pitched tents and grouped their herds in the same area. Hamish’s Degmo is a little more than just a slavish recreation of a Somali desert herders’ camp in the Welsh moorlands, though. It’s something of a cultural boot camp.

Established in partnership with more than 40 Somali diaspora associations in the United Kingdom, Degmo aims to solve some of the problems of this huge—and often maligned—immigrant community by reconnecting the youth to their cultural heritage and giving them a definition of what it means to be Somali beyond the pirates, warlords, and terrorists they see on the news and in Google search results.

In a way, it’s surprising there aren’t more farms like Degmo in the United Kingdom. Back in northern Somalia, city folk and farmers alike would send their children to the countryside every summer to live with nomadic relatives, Saeed Yusuf Abdi told me. Saeed is a Somali immigrant and manager at Maan, a Somali mental health organization in Sheffield. Going into the countryside, he argued, is how children learned what it meant to be Somalis.

That process, added Hamish, "created confident young people, proud of who they are." It also "taught them how to behave to each other," as it was where they learned the checks and balances built into Somali traditions and social structures. For many years, the small communities of Somalis who settled as dockhands or laborers in the UK brought that tradition with them, recreating cultural institutions within their tight-knit societies and maintaining strong contacts with their homeland.

Photo by Mark Hay

But in the 1990s, the situation of Somali immigrants the world over changed drastically. With Somalia’s descent into civil war, tens of thousands of Somalis flowed into the UK as refugees. They arrived with few language skills, little support or work prospects, and not nearly enough pre-established communities to help them integrate. Current estimates place the number of Somalis in the UK between 95,000 and 250,000—hazy numbers reflecting the community’s marginalization and misunderstood nature—clustered into urban centers like Bristol, Cardiff, Liverpool, London, Manchester, and Sheffield.

Some families, according to Hamish and Saeed, easily found their way into UK society. But many adults, Saeed said, “feel isolated and abandoned in the strange new environment of Europe.” As Hamish sees it, many of these grown immigrants never quite unpacked—always expecting they might return home or move somewhere better—so they never felt the need to set down roots.

According to Hamish, the continued reliance on Somali clan structures and communities—though it’s helped the community in many ways—may be keeping many families from building relationships with the British population at large, bridging the vast gap that can make them seem so distant and other to the native population. Meanwhile, the youth struggle to find their place in British society, and they are so far removed from any connection to their homeland that, as Saeed says, “some sons and daughters of nomads think milk comes from the Tesco grocery store.”

Unmoved by fractured cultural lessons delivered by parents who are also trying to navigate in a strange new world, and feeling the pastoral stories and systems irrelevant to their east London lives, many have begun to actively reject their Somali identity. Some give in to total cultural assimilation, Hamish observes. Others, at the worse end, seek community within violent gangs. It was when more and more Somali children started showing up on the police radar that Hamish and the leaders of the UK Somali community took action.

Photo by Mark Hay

If “Hamish Wilson” doesn’t sound like a particularly Somali name, that’s because it isn’t. But his family has strong ties to Somaliland—the de facto autonomous region of northern Somalia—that stretch back nearly a century. In the 1930s and 40s, Hamish’s father, Eric, fought alongside Somalis in the Somaliland Camel Corps against the Italian Army invading from Ethiopia. Although brutally wounded and believed dead, Eric survived, received a Victoria Cross award for his service, and developed enduring ties to the families of his fallen comrades.

Hamish in turn lived in Somaliland, became a camel boy, and even joined the northern resistance during the Civil War—he first met Saeed in Somalia and Ethiopia. Back in the UK, he developed a reputation as a photographer of Somali culture, collector of Somali artifacts, and consultant to local police, schools, media, and human rights groups on Somali traditions and communities.

When Saeed and others in the Somali diaspora started kicking around the idea of recreating the nomadic summer experience for dislocated and disaffected youths in the community, they approached Hamish asking to use his farm, tents and tools, and archive of Somali documents. He and his father jumped in enthusiastically with the guidance and financial support of various Somali communities.

Hamish and the others knew that they’d never be able to fully recreate the experience of a traditional Bedouin summer retreat. For one thing, camels don’t fare well in the Welsh countryside. They have a tendency to slip on the slick hills, break their legs, and die cruel and unnecessary deaths. A few concessions of modern city life have been made as well, like the access to hot showers and the practice of cooking pizzas rather than fully Somali cuisine. But even the introduction to a British rural setting, with walks along the River Wye, lessons in falconry and ferreting from a neighboring farmer, apple pressing, and canoeing trips, visits to Degmo still offer something of value. For years, many groups have turned up for a two-to-five night stay, with as many as 40 people attending the camp at any given time.

Speaking to Degmo’s effectiveness in tackling the cultural assimilation and generational gaps in Somali communities, Saeed recalls a trip of at-risk youths to the farm led by a Sheffield gym coach. Many of the kids had been in borderline-violent encounters with each other, but the camp “had this magical effect,” says Saeed. “Instead of identifying themselves with the Pissmore Gang—I don’t know if that’s what they call themselves really—they were shown pictures of their country and started to talk it out.” That group now saves a pound a week to try to fund a return trip to Degmo.

Photo via

He and Hamish both have dozens of stories of groups or individuals who came with their parents and grandparents kicking and screaming but, after just a few days, left with a new appreciation of their heritage. Saeed talks of the ability of the farm—an abstraction from urban life, but not so shocking as a return to the Horn of Africa—to separate kids from the pressures of their lives and open them up to talking with their elders and working through issues with one other.

Hamish thinks it helps with the negative image of Somalis to see a white man rave about the richness of Somali culture. It also wears down the generation gap when kids see their parents or grandparents cry over photos of lost clansmen or artifacts they haven’t seen in decades. At best, Saeed believes they’ve helped hundreds of Somali youth find a way of harmonizing their Somali identity with their British selves and lives. At the very least, Hamish thinks they’ve managed to create a positive Google search result for Somali culture—something a number of youths stumbling across the site online have emailed to thank him for.

Over the past two years, though, Degmo has fallen on hard times. The farm came together at the behest of the Somali community in the UK and was funded initially by businessmen like Abdirashid Duale, of the remittance giant Dahabshiil, and sustained by fundraising within diaspora communities. The remoteness of the farm—at least 20 miles from the nearest train station, with no public transit nearby—and the poverty of many Somali communities required a great deal of subsidization and communal funding for each visit. But ever since the financial collapse, it’s gotten harder and harder to raise money within the communities just to keep Degmo alive.

The past year has been a particular struggle for Degmo. After several visitors were unable to pay in full, the farm found itself in debt for the first time. Fortunately, Abdirashid Duale, without anyone asking, paid off Hamish’s debts, but the threat of collapse has forced the Degmo team to look into new ways of raising money to subsidize trips for the less privileged and the most at-risk and needy Somali communities.

For now, Hamish is booking space and time for a higher number of salaried and well-established families, the sort who have strong ties to the homeland and might even return once a year. He’s even looked into bringing in groups of white visitors at commercial rates, using the higher fees paid by these groups to subsidize visits by those who can no longer fundraise enough for themselves. But He’ll be the first to admit that his efforts at direct fundraising have fallen short of this goal: It's not that’s not a strength of his, and, as a farmer running a cultural training camp in his spare time on a shoestring budget, he has little time to lobby and simper for money.

Despite the shortfalls of recent years, Hamish and company seem bent on expanding Degmo out of an honest belief in its power to instill a sense of cultural pride and retention in diaspora youth. After being approached by the Somaliland Ministry of Education, Hamish will be traveling this year to Hargeisa, Somaliland, to look into setting up Degmo International, a version of his farm in a traditional environment to be used by local schools to teach a cultural curriculum and serve as an educational tool for the visiting diaspora. Hamish also believes the Somaliland farm could foster research and popular support for the sustenance and enhancement of rural, nomadic life in Somaliland against the dual specters of mass urbanization and environmental degradation.

And if the first international Degmo works out, he’d like to take a shot at expanding the camps to America and Scandinavia as well—anywhere there’s a large Somali population. In part, he hopes that revenue sharing across wealthier communities will help to save the farm in Wales. But more than that, Hamish and the UK Somali community believe in the power of Degmo to transform the lives of the diaspora and save the culture they left behind, and they want to bring that opportunity to Somalis around the world. 

I'm Getting Evicted from Detroit's Most Famous Techno Loft

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I'm Getting Evicted from Detroit's Most Famous Techno Loft

Noisey: Chiraq - Part 5

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We step outside of drill music and catch up with Chicago rapper Vic Mensa and the rest of his SAVEMONEY crew. They spend the day gathering cash to bail fellow rapper Joey Purp out of jail, and on the way we chat about the city's scene.

VICE News: Ukraine Burning

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Kiev's Euromaidan protesters began 2014 the same way they ended 2013: by rioting in the streets in an attempt to bring down their government. Key victories have already been won, with Prime Minister Mykola Azarov and his cabinet resigning. The demonstrators also forced the annulment of a new anti-protest law that was, ironically, the cause of much of their protesting.

The protesters haven't been contented by this, however, and are still out in the streets, demanding the head of President Viktor Yanukovych and the staging of fresh elections. What began as a protest against the Ukrainian government's close ties with Russian leader Vladimir Putin has become a focus for wider discontent. However, Yanukovych seems in no mood to relinquish his power. As the social unrest spreads across the country, its first post-Soviet President, Leonid Kravchuk, has gone as far as to warn that Ukraine is on the brink of civil war. Dozens of people have lost their lives in just the last two days of violence.

At the end of January, VICE flew to Kiev as rioters hurled Molotov cocktails at police and the city turned into a battlefield.

Latest – Hotels in Kiev Are Being Turned into Morgues As the Death Toll Mounts

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