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Painting by Kunisada Surimono. Image courtesy of Wikipedia Commons
If you aren’t masturbating right now, you should be. May is International Masturbation Month, which means if you have been celebrating properly, you should have carpal tunnel and a very sticky laptop. If you haven’t, you should clear your weekend plans for some five-knuckle shuffle.
Good Vibrations, a sex toy shop in San Francisco, declared May 7, 1995 to be the first National Masturbation Day, after President Bill Clinton fired Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders because she suggested that masturbation be included in sex education as a way to combat the spread of AIDS. Obviously, one day was not enough to dedicate to practice self-love, so the entire month was soon devoted to rubbing one out.
Since I think everyone should take advantage of their right to masturbate all month long, I have rounded up the best masturbatory tools for your pleasure. It’s time for you to spend some quality time with you.
Fresh Brew Love Skin® Masturbator Vagina
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Want to masturbate discreetly on your morning commute or during a boring meeting? You can do it with this masturbator that is disguised as a coffee cup. No one will even notice you're dunking your dick in the java like a jelly doughnut. Buy it here for $11.
XM Midi Ring Vibrator
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This is the only ring that matters during Masturbation Month. It will give you more pleasure than a bulky carbon stone any day. All your friends will be jealous. Buy it here for $74.95.
Keith Haring Tenga
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Tenga makes your dick feel like it’s been sucked up by a vacuum cleaner—in a good way. This one is extra special because it was designed by Keith Haring, so you can keep it around for decoration or regift when you’re finished. Buy it here for $9.99.
Lovelife Smile Discreet Vibrator
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All women need this Smile vibrator in their life. It knows you better than you know yourself. It has adjustable speeds and fits in your pocket. I think God created it. Buy it here for $59.
Bordello Saskia
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Who doesn’t want to fuck a lady piledriver-style? Plus the description says she is an educated conversationalist who loves to laugh. Clearly this fine little lady will keep you entertained for hours and won’t complain about cramping up. Buy it here for $118.
Cheeky Pets Three Speed Vibe
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This is for all the animal lovers out there. This three-speed vibrator comes in various shapes such as bear, alligator, and walrus. If you ever had the urge to shove a cute creature into your vagina, here is your chance. You can even cuddle it when you’re done. Buy it here for $28.82.
"Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation"
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A little reading material between petting the pussy will help you have an even better orgasm the next go-round. Buy it here for $15.95.
Realistic Tongue Vibrator
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I was drawn to this product because it’s shaped like a tongue, but after further observation, the color makes it look like it belongs to Gollum. I think some chicks dig that, so I am keeping it on the list. Buy it here for $14.39.
Lonely and Lusty Inflatable Love Doll
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Masturbation Month is a time to embrace being lonely and lusty. This love doll has a ribbed love tunnel and a deep throat. Just look at that face. You might have to call off of work for this one. Buy it here for $86.01.
Penthouse® Secrets Bath Bliss
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This kit is all about relaxing and romancing. Light a candle, blow up the bath pillow, and give yourself the best orgasm of your life with the multi-speed massager. Buy it here for $29.99.
Misty Stone Butt Fleshlight
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This is an exact replica of Misty’s gorgeous booty hole. If you are looking to get some backdoor action, this is the obvious way to go. Just close your eyes and you'll really feel like you're inside of her large intestine. Buy it here for $59.96.
Animal Delight Dual Rotating Vibe
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This new product also incorporates animal buddies into your orgasms. This time they just vibe on your girly parts as a cute little reminder they’re there. Buy it here for $69.99.
I hope you have a great time playing with yourself. Happy Masturbation Month!
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