Will Al "Captain Planet" Gore be Rob Ford's newest adversary?
Rob Ford rumbled into 2014 today by arrogantly filing his papers for re-election in October, adding that he is the “best mayor” Toronto has “ever had.” The big question now is will our allegedly racist and admittedly crack-smoking mayor regain his throne and stick around for another four years? At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if Robbie pulled it off—as sad as that is, given the litany of recent catastrophes that have marred his deeply troubled political career as of late.
The major factor that will make or break Robbie’s re-election campaign is, of course, his opponents. While the rumours for potential competitors include presumably crack-free politicians like Olivia Chow, John Tory, and Denzil Minnan-Wong, these people have never been joked about on American talk shows, nor have they ever bragged about their proverbial pussy buffets that keep them from committing adultery. Not like our boy Robbie.
In simple terms, Rob Ford has an edge over all of his adversaries thanks to his powerful infamy, given that his hideous saga is the “biggest Canadian story in the U.S. this century.” How could any run-of-the-mill, municipal Canadian politician (no matter how well-intentioned or capable they may be) compete with such a media juggernaut? Obviously none of these opponents have the drug-addled panache that keeps Rob Ford in the headlines. But, just as Dr. Ian Malcom said in Jurassic Park while musing about chaos theory: “Life will find a way.” So, in true pro wrestling fashion, it seems as if a surprise guest has just interfered with the competition: a guy named Al Gore.
The Ford story is already straight out of the squared circle, as it already has several, literal tie-ins with sports entertainment. The Iron Sheik challenged Rob Ford to an arm wrestling match after Rob Ford literally arm-wrestled Hulk Hogan, which then led to Brutus the Beefcake being thrown out of City Hall for wanting to be “Rob Ford’s ‘Angel of Mercy.’” Now it appears that a man who shares the same name as everyone’s favourite inconvenient truther, or perhaps, the famous Al Gore himself, is setting himself up to challenge Rob Ford: Toronto’s #1 supervillain.
What are the potential ramifications of Bill Clinton’s former wingman (who has not responded to my request for comment) running for mayor in the City of Toronto? Robbie would certainly be attacked on his gas-guzzling SUV and the carbon impact of his presumably awful, Russian Vodka and cheeseburger-laced farts. Has Rob Ford somehow made being Mayor of Toronto the hot political job for 2014, thanks to the 14,385 American news stories that ran about him last year? Perhaps we will see a cavalry of semi-retired American political dynamos parachute into Toronto to take on the Ford dynasty; Herman Cain, the man who quoted Pokemon in the last presidential election, comes to mind. At the very least, he would be able to work on expanding his pizza empire into the Canadian market.
Clearly, the political landscape in Toronto has surpassed realism (that happened sometime between the video of Rob Ford threatening to murder someone and the satanic bus tour debacle), so why shouldn’t we also have foreign dignitaries trying to take over Toronto? It’s only fair. And, at the very least, if this Al Gore application is just some out-of-left-field troll, directed at Toronto’s electoral system at large, it is far from the last punchline we’ll hear in the election campaigns to come.
Basically, it’s time to get used to the weirdness. Rob Ford may be a master of surprise, but it’s one of the only tools he has at his disposal (along with handing out Rob Ford fridge magnets to aggravated ice storm victims in public housing). Maybe if we embrace the crack, the pro wrestlers, and the Satanists, everyone can stop freaking out about Robbie and allow someone with a bit more sense and prestige to step in. At this point, Al Gore sounds like a pretty good fit. He did invent the internet, after all.