I first
learned about sex in the bathroom of my co-ed yeshiva day school when I was
eight. While we huddled around an automatic hand drier, two of my
kippa-wearing,
tzizit-wielding friends told me roughly what happens when a man masturbates:
"You rub your dick a lot and then white stuff shoots out!" I listened in
horror, unsure if they were joking. I was too scared to ask my parents or
teachers and embarrassed to ask my friends to clarify; I wouldn't hear about
sex from my teachers until I was nearly 13.
I grew up
in Teaneck, a town of 40,000 in northern New Jersey, which has, by my count, at
least 18 Orthodox synagogues. For the first 17 years of my life, I split my
time in a variety of Modern Orthodox Jewish schools in Manhattan, Paramus, and
Riverdale. Half the day was devoted to Jewish classes with the other half committed
to a secular curriculum. In these schools, the classes mixed boys and girls
together, one of many ways being Modern Orthodox differs from being ultra-Orthodox/Hasidic.
We'd study Talmud, but still read Harry Potter. We'd observe the Sabbath, but
still discuss last night's episode of
The
OC. Despite my relatively-liberal religious upbringing (at least
compared to many other Orthodox Jews), there were still limitations and filters
through which we learned about the world around us. For example, talking about
sex was something that just didn't happen.
Nevertheless, thanks to pop culture and the internet, I pieced together some information about intercourse the way any preteen might. Still, my school didn't formally broach
the topic until the year before high school when an awkward rabbi who gave us a rough outline of all
the terrible things that can happen as a result of sex: babies, disgusting
rashes, dick discharges, and, of course, AIDS. Not once during the class was
sex described as a mitzvah or
something to be celebrated with a partner, which is how some
observant Jews interpret sex
between married couples.
"While
not unique to the Orthodox community, sex education is not about sex in
Orthodox schools," says Dr. Bat Sheva
Marcus, a modern Orthodox Jew with a PhD in Human Sexuality and the founder of the
women-focused sex psychology group
Maze Women's Sexual Health. "Rather, it's about how not to get
pregnant and how not to get STDs. Nobody talks about pleasure or the kind of framework
sex can fit into and I feel like that's what kids are really curious about. And
that's what they should be talking about, in addition to how not to get
pregnant and how not to get STDs."
By the
time I got to college, I felt a huge culture shock. The
casualness of sex among my newfound college friends was startling—I had
never discussed anyone's sex life before. It was only after considerable time
spent with people from different backgrounds that I realized how my
introduction to sex affected my own sexuality, and how the lack of
sex-positivity ended up complicating my entrance into an independent adult
life.
"I'll talk to a young girl,
and she'll feel horrible about being sexually active before marriage," Dr.
Marcus told me over the phone. "This will be a two-year blip in her life, but
nobody in the Orthodox community sees it that way. [To many Orthodox
teenagers], the things they do when they're 18 feel like the be-all and end-all
of life."
Recently,
I became interested in finding others Jews who grew up in the small Modern Orthodox
world before exploring their own paths. I wanted to know how other people with
such a limited education of sexuality as a teenager handled the transition into
a world where suddenly sex seemed to be everywhere. I reached out to four former Orthodox Yeshiva students around my age and
asked them about what their sex education was like growing up and how it
influenced their sexual activity and outlook on sex as teenagers and young
adults. The interviews
were conducted anonymously (mostly for their parents' sake) and have been
edited for length and clarity.
For more on sex and religion, watch our profile on the 'Slut-Shaming Preacher':
Talia
23 Years Old
Grew Up in New Jersey
Currently Lives in
New York
Religious Status:
Unaffiliated
VICE: What was your sex education like growing up in an
Orthodox Yeshiva high school?
Talia: From what I remember, we
had what my school called "Health Ed" in 11th and 12th grade. Once a
month, for a few months, the instructor—either the school psychologist or the
college guidance counselor—went over dealing with stress, sleep, and a very
light version of sex education. The sex ed piece was focused on how
reproduction works, without much detail.
Did your family talk about sex openly?
Not at all. I never even
heard the word
sex in the house. We didn't even talk about kissing or what a
physical relationship with someone my brothers or I were dating might look
like. I got most of my sex ed from watching TV and movies and reading books,
which I think my parents assumed. I realized that sex was present in the world,
but I had no communication about it with anyone until that mediocre sex ed
class in 11th grade.
What was it like losing your virginity?
I was comfortable with it.
I was no longer Orthodox and I was dating a non-Jewish guy who was older than
me. I actually had to kind of convince him. He knew about my religious
upbringing and was kind of nervous about being the one to "take away my
virginity." We did not talk about it a lot since it made him nervous. The
physical tension was intense and sex actually helped relieve that.
Learning what you did growing up, was there stress at
the beginning your sex life?
It took time to reconcile.
My mom's reaction to telling her I had sex was, "Your namesake is turning in
her grave." Which was rough stuff; my namesake is my grandma. I told her
because she asked me straight out and I decided it was silly to lie. My parents
and I eventually went to family therapy and sorted it out and we now actually
have a very strong relationship. We still don't talk openly about who I really
am... I think that's the one thing I wish was a bit different.
Are you open about your sex life with your friends that
are still Orthodox?
With the ones who want to
hear it, yes. The ones who identify as Orthodox but are having sex themselves
like to hear about it and like to reciprocate and share their own stories,
fetishes, and general feelings around it. Most of these people are in
monogamous relationships and I think they justify it through that. I also know
many people who identify as Orthodox and justify their desire for sex by only
having anal, because somehow that somehow makes it OK.
Sam
23 Years Old
Grew Up in Manhattan
Currently Lives in Manhattan
Religious Status: Self-Identified Pagan
VICE: How did you first learn about sex?
Sam: I think I learned from
reading this young adult sci-fi novel in third grade, as well as from
conversations with friends and stupid teen movies. I remember searching for the
word sex on like Microsoft Word Clip Art in computer class in elementary
school and seeing the gender symbols.
Did you learn about sex from your parents or school?
My family never really sat
me down to explain because I assume they knew I knew about sex. In terms of
sexual content in religious texts, my school usually skipped those passages or
used euphemisms we would take literally.
As you got older, did the lack of communication about
sex affect you?
In
like seventh or eighth grade, I was really repressed and compulsive about trying to
adhere to all the micro-details of the ritualistic stuff we were taught to do.
It became like a form of OCD that I'd waste hours on—not meditative prayer, but
anxious fiddling. Finally, I realized that wasn't what God would want, and then
I became much more relaxed about sex. Over the next few years, as I saw adults
become more extreme with enforcing these rules, it left a worse and worse taste
in my mouth.
What was high school like?
For a while, I managed to fit in among
various sub-areas of the modern orthodox bubble, but then as I got older, my
relationship with my parents suffered (in the typical ways) and I began to draw
away from these sub-groups. I never enjoyed being called or considered
"off the
derech" (path) because I continued to carry a
strong sense of interpersonal ethics. But facts of my lifestyle made me feel
like an outsider.
Which parts of your lifestyle that made you feel like
an outsider?
Well, I'm gay and I was in
the closet about my sexuality and didn't tell people that I was hooking up with
people I met online. Inherently, that private aspect of my life made me feel
like I didn't belong. In high school, I would ditch school, go on these
fucked-up solo adventures, and be very much be on my own. At the end of high
school, I ended up beginning to date this older guy who encouraged my personal
interests and made me feel like perhaps I had a place I could belong. This
relationship was kept secret from almost everyone, besides my closest friend
and a teacher who I would talk to about it.
How did your parents react to your sexuality?
My parents knew since I
was 16 because they had installed spyware on my computer, so they saw what I
was looking at on the internet. My dad took it very bad and our relationship
took a downward spin for a number of years. I didn't come out during school
because I thought I'd get kicked out, but I wish I had in retrospect. That being said, I don't feel angry at Judaism
itself, but rather its institutionalization.
Are you comfortable with your sexuality now?
Yeah, absolutely. The
eroticism in the bible (both straight and gay) always seemed pretty explicit to
me. The pain I felt related to my upbringing was more of a social isolation. Sexuality
doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. I wish I was more open with it during
school, and even if being forced to come out to my family was
traumatic, I'm still glad it happened.
Ben
22 Years Old
Grew up in Flatbush, Brooklyn
Currently Lives in Manhattan
Religious Status: Secular Jew
VICE: Do you remember how you first learned
about sex?
Ben: When I was 12 or 13, I went to Jewish sleepaway summer camp. My
counselors played us one of the American Pie movies.
So you learned about sex from Jason
Biggs?
Essentially. It was my counselors who discussed it with me
for the first time, but they were just a few 17- or 18-year-old guys and were
probably misinformed themselves.
Did you have any formal sex ed?
Nope, not at that point. I had it maybe in like tenth grade,
but by then I already had my first sexual experience.
Do you think you would have benefited
from having sex ed before then?
Totally, especially if my understanding of it at that point
was just what I gathered from
American Pie. I made a point to have my
first kiss before I entered high school because I didn't want to be
behind everyone else. So I kissed a girl in camp the summer before freshman
year. Then, when I got to high school, I found out I was only one of a handful
of people who kissed someone else before.
How did you feel about sex as you
continued going to a Yeshiva high school?
I came from
an even more Orthodox culture in Flatbush, so I thought it would be different
going to a slightly more liberal high school. But at my school, guys and girls totally
conflated money with popularity and sexual hierarchies; it was kind of messed-up.
Sex was also a way to rebel
against the administration's constant nagging about
tzniut (sexual
modesty). Also, bringing attention to tzniut brings attention to
those things, which were not allowed. It was like telling someone they can't have
something, only making him want that previously unknown, unattainable thing
even more. That was one of my first ways of realizing how distant I felt from
the "Ortho" ways. But you also were conditioned to feel guilty for being
interested in those forbidden topics. My high school set people up for that
"othered" feeling, either while they were in high school or after.
How does your family feel about you
having a sex life before marriage?
Well, they're used to it now. I've been
out of high school five years and I'm dating a non-Jewish girl. That's a huge
issue for them, though. And mind you, I'm a Jewish studies major, and committed
wholeheartedly to my Jewish identity and community at large, but sometimes it's
hard for Orthodox people to see outside of their monolithic understanding of
Jewishness. The situation with my girlfriend is tough; my parents and I don't
talk about her at all. It's an unspoken thing, and it causes me a lot of
anxiety.
At what point did your thinking about sex
change and evolve?
Once I started
having oral sex in 11th grade, I was all in. My secular education in high school,
however limited, showed me how wonderful it could be. Like watching any Goddard
films outside of school, you just want to have passionate sex like that.
Rebecca
23 Years Old
Grew Up in Manhattan
Currently Lives in Israel
Religious Status: Secular Jew
VICE: Can you tell me about your
religious background?
Rebecca: I grew up
in a house with mixed views; my dad is Modern Orthodox and my mom is pretty
much traditional, but not observant. I went to a Modern Orthodox school and I
was very involved in the Jewish community. I went to synagogue and observed
shabbat, etc. After high school, I became a lot less observant. Now I live in
Israel on a kibbutz (a communal settlement), I work on Shabbat, and I don't go
to synagogue.
Do you remember sex-ed in elementary
school/high school?
I don't think I had sex ed at all in elementary
school or high school. My mom used to tell me to use protection and I used to
go to the gyno, so I pretty much knew about sex, but I guess I learned a lot on
my own.
Was your mom always liberal in her
attitudes towards sex?
She has always been liberal—thankfully.
My mom's side of the family is also really secular, so I felt that I always had
them to talk about these kinds of things with. Sex was not a taboo subject with
them.
How did you reconcile your mom's views
with the strictness of your high school and tziniut?
It was hard in elementary school because
I was embarrassed about the fact that my mom is not religious and I felt like I
wanted to keep the status quo. In high school, I matured and I grew to
appreciate the way she was. I felt like she was there for me to talk about
certain things, stuff I knew that my girlfriends' moms were more conservative
about. She was the cool mom.
Did the students at your school have the same level of understanding about
sex? Or was there more of a divide?
In high school, most of my friends
started having romantic relationships. All of a sudden lots of people were
hooking up. I think they did what was natural. It's not like they were
rebellious about it, but we did have fun and smoke and go to parties because I
went to a Modern Orthodox school and the students that go there have an open
mind. It was not like the single-sex schools.
Do you ever feel guilty about your adult
sex life?
As I got older, I
released the guilt that school made me feel about sex, but it took a while.
When I graduated and had sex for the first time, I kind of felt bad about it
because was kind of a "bad boy." But I feel like if sex was a more
normal thing in high school then I would have felt more comfortable about the
whole topic in general. Today, I have a good relationship with my father
and mother. I live with my boyfriend and it's all good with them. The fact that
they even know I'm in a serious relationship makes them happy.
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