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This Angolan Lady Walks Around London Campaigning to Save Blonde People

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Maria with a blonde person

Say hello to Maria de Jesus-Lucungo. Not only does Maria share a name with the benevolent oracle of the Christian faith, she's also inherited some of his selflessness and eternal goodwill. Although she's originally from Angola and doesn't have fair hair herself, Maria has made it her life goal to campaign for the protection of the UK's blonde population. She believes that England's flaxen-haired brothers and sisters are under threat of extinction and that, if they disappear, "the world will not be so attractive in beauty any more".

From a scientific point of view, there is yet to be any conclusive evidence that blonde hair is either more attractive to other human beings or on the way out. But Maria doesn't care too much for what scientists have to say. Her unconditional love for "pure" blondes transcends reason, walks a narrow tightrope between Mother Teresa and Hitler and can't be halted by any evidence presented to her.

Through extensive flyering, an online petition and multiple letters sent to the British Prime Minister, Maria says that she hopes to establish a National Blonde Day to celebrate all things blond. I caught up with her to find out what else she wants to achieve.

VICE: Hi, Maria. When did you first realise that blondes need protecting?
Maria Jesus-Lucungo: It came all of a sudden a few years ago. They’re not breeding with each other. It’s good to have some blond in the white community to mix with everyone else so we can have a variety of complexions. Variety is nice—variety is the spice of life! If you go to Africa, you expect to see a black African. If someone from Africa comes to Europe, the first thing they should see should be a blonde. Blonde is the pure white before it gets mixed with everyone else.

Do you think the purest forms of all races need to be protected? Like if black Africans were becoming extinct?
Yes, but Africans aren’t becoming extinct. Go to Africa—you’ll see they have lots. If blondes disappear, then you will have to explain to your grandchildren that, once upon a time, we used to have another type of white people and the child might not believe it. This is what I’m trying to avoid; we don’t have to let it get that far.

In England, we need somebody to stand up for blondes in the House of Commons. It’s like if you have a garden and one flower is dying out, then the gardener will do something to revive it. His concentration will be on that particular one. So my focus is on this particular one, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t like all the others. I like everyone all the same.

What kind of thing would you suggest to the House of Commons?
The first thing would be the National Blonde Day. But it would be a celebration of the whole white community—some people are just more blond than others. Hitler was not blond, but he cared very much—he liked blondes. Apart from all the atrocities that he did, he was also trying to preserve the blondes.

But Hitler was doing that because he believed the Aryan race were the "master race". He also killed a lot of innocent people.
It’s a bit of an exaggeration for everyone to be one thing—we want the diversity of people. His vision made sense in a way, but it’s all about how to solve the problem. I think if he lived nowadays his ideologies would change a bit. He’d be a bit more flexible. If it were possible to save all the blondes, then that would be fantastic.

Do you think that blondes are more beautiful than any other people? I’m not blonde. Am I ugly?
No, no, no. You get different beauty in different races. There are many different kinds of beauty. 

What about gingers?
I consider ginger to be the darkest blonde there is. I think they still belong in the "blonde" category. They’re slightly blond.

Do you think the government knows about the diminishing blonde population and just doesn’t care? Or do you reckon this would all be news to them?
We have to educate them on the situation and see if they don’t care. I think the government is too busy with the economy and this and that, and they’re not really paying attention. Something has to be done and someone has to do it. We have to carry on banging on about the same subject until they listen. Someone had to bring the case up. If you build it, they will come!

What about scientists? There have plenty of claims that blonde people aren’t actually dying out.
There are two types of scientists: the ones who say I’m too late on my campaign—that blondes have already gone. And other scientists who say that they’re not dying out. I’m campaigning anyway.

What do you say to people who think that hair colour isn't important? That it’s what’s inside that counts?
What’s inside is one thing, and looks are a different thing. For some people, looks are important. I like to see nice-looking people, and if you can be, then go for it. What’s inside is for relationships, for when you have a girlfriend and you love her. But looks on the outside is for when you go somewhere strange and you don’t get scared by what people look like. Somebody has to care for looks.

Thank you for being that person, Maria.


@Jak_TH


Deep-Fried America on a Stick

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All photos by Bruce Gilden

Magnum photographer Bruce Gilden—who also happens to be my husband—has photographed the Yakuza in Japan, traipsed through the slums of Haiti too many times to count, and stalked the streets of New York City for decades shooting the strange faces floating by. But it was a recent visit to the Wisconsin State Fair that produced his most exotic work to date.

For 11 days in August, a total of 1,012,552 visitors passed through the turnstiles at State Fair Park in West Allis, a suburb of Milwaukee. They came for deep-fried cookie-dough fondue on a stick, deep-fried peanut butter and jelly on a stick, deep-fried s’mores on a stick, deep-fried Milky Way bars on a stick, deep-fried cream cheese on a stick (with bacon), deep-fried fat Elvises on a stick. They came for cream puffs, cheese curds, 18-inch corn dogs, barbecued turkey legs the size of children’s thighs, beer-battered deep-fried bacon-wrapped cheddar hot dogs, beer-battered macaroni-and-cheese bites with Jack cheese and bacon. Of course, they also came for the local brews: Miller Lite, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller64, Leinenkugel “craft” beer (owned and operated by MillerCoors LLC). Once Bruce had digested his trip, I asked him a few questions.

VICE: Why did you choose this particular location and event for the shoot?
Bruce Gilden:
I traveled to Milwaukee for Postcards from America, an ongoing collaborative project in which a loose group of photographers choose a site that intrigues them and gather there to play together like a visual band. Martin Parr and I went to Milwaukee in August, and two more groups of photographers will pass through in January and April. This is the third segment that I participated in. The first one was in Rochester, New York, and the second was in Miami. Now I’ve got a Guggenheim fellowship to continue this work in other places too.

Is there a link between the three segments of Postcards?
Obviously they’re all in America, so to me it’s a continuation of the previous series I did on foreclosures in four different cities in the US. What’s good about Postcards is that it is a project on its own, but for me, as for many of the photographers involved, it’s also an experimental creative space that feeds back into our individual work. 

How so?
In Rochester, the deal was that we had to come up with 100 pictures in two weeks. It’s pretty hard, so to get some confidence, besides my usual medium of black-and-white film, I started using a Leica M9 digital camera so I could see what I was getting as I went along. I began to do portraits of people because the streets were empty and I needed 100 photos. Then I went to Florida, and I did the whole project in color, shooting mostly faces with a digital midsize camera.

So now you’re a color photographer?
No. I’m going to continue doing color, but I’m not closing the door to black-and-white. I had not done color since 1968, and I was surprised by how easily I adapted to it. When I arrived in Milwaukee, I was committed to doing all the work in color, digitally.

And you shot mostly close-up portraits?
Yes, mostly, but these pictures did not just sprout out of my head. I had been thinking for at least 20 years about doing portraits of people with just their faces, and now I’m finally doing it. It’s a well-thought-out and long process from the conception of the idea until you physically do it.

So all these people you photographed were at the fair?
When I arrived in Milwaukee I tried to photograph people on the street, but there was nobody around, I guess because there were 120,000 people going to the fair every day, so that’s where I went. I don’t shoot much. I average five to ten portraits a day.

What characteristics attract you to a face?
To me there is beauty everywhere, but I’m very particular. There’s a certain detail that I find interesting visually, and the strength of the picture is in that detail. You have to be able to see what will make a good picture, and then you need to have a collaboration between you and your subject to make it a reality. At the fair, a very high percentage of people said yes when I asked to take their photograph, but that doesn’t mean the picture always worked.

What sorts of things were going through your mind while you were shooting these portraits?
Tons of thoughts: I have never seen people so large. What did these guys eat that made them so big? This kid is going to poke himself in the eye with the stick of that huge corn dog. This guy is going home with 12 cream puffs after waiting 30 minutes in line to place his order. So many women with the most gorgeous blue eyes, are they real or are they contact lenses? Some women’s feet are so swollen, I feel their pain at each step. After seven hours of almost nonstop walking, saying to myself, Just one more trip around the fair, I looked forward to dinner and sleep so I could repeat the cycle again the following day.

What’s your next project?
Depends on the faces.

All photos by Bruce Gilden

More from this issue:

The Bible Needs More Sex Scenes

Did Robotraders Know the Financial Crisis Was Coming?

Soul on Fire

Bitcoin Has Already Morphed Society

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Bitcoin Armstrong. via the Bitcoin subreddit.

Ever since the value of one Bitcoin rose above $200 USD in late October, I’ve been obsessively catching up on all the lost time I’ve missed out on since the ethereal cryptocurrency was born in 2009. Back then, like all sorts of other tech enthusiasts who completely missed out on an opportunity to make a bunch of fast cash, I decided not to invest in Bitcoin. Why? Well, to be fair, it was less of a conscious decision and more of a fleeting thought pattern that went something like: “Huh? What is this thing? I don’t understand it, let’s move on.”

If you’ve completely avoided learning about Bitcoin up until this precise moment in time, my favourite way to explain it is with this animation that was screened at the LeWeb conference in London earlier this year. If learning through CGI isn’t your thing, and you’re still unclear on what Bitcoin is, to be brief: it’s a digital form of encrypted cash that’s designed like gold—in that there is a finite supply of 21 million Bitcoins—so theoretically its value should continue to increase over time. So far, that system of increasing value is working remarkably well, and in the interest of full disclosure, I have invested a bit of Canadian coin into Bitcoin.

Today, Bitcoin is worth well over $1,000 USD per coin and is approaching parity with gold itself.

This massive surge in value has propelled Bitcoin into mainstream news headlines the world over. Last week, the United States Congress and the Federal Reserve admitted Bitcoin can be used for legitimate purposes—even though the FBI may never recover all of the Bitcoins it raided from Silk Road—which was a huge boost of confidence for the crytocurrency that could.

The Winklevoss Twins (also known as the Winklevi, lol, movies!) put in $11 million of their real, US dollars into Bitcoin this past April. That investment was worth $32 million on November 9, and at today’s prices, they’re sitting on roughly $98 million USD. The Winklebros also plan on opening an investment trust that will allow people who don’t want to get involved in the murky world of Bitcoins to buy a share of the Winklevoss’ Bitcoin empire instead. This will provide investors with the relief of never having to log in to a Bitcoin exchange—an idea that has already been copied by a firm called SecondMarket.

On top of all that, last Friday, Richard Branson announced that whenever Virgin Galactic begins to launch human beings into space, tickets can be purchased with Bitcoin. Granted, allowing Virgin Mobile customers to pay their phone bills with Bitcoin, or for Virgin Airlines to sell regular ol’ plane tickets to Bitcoin users would have been a stronger vote of confidence—but I understand, Branson is a baby steps kinda guy when it comes to internet money.

Government approval, absurdly wealthy identical twins, and space flight aside, societal acceptance of Bitcoin appears to be happening on a grassroots level as well. While Bitcoin is in the earliest stages of adoption right now—and it could, of course, all come crashing down before it hits the next stage—a company called CoinKite in Toronto is developing debit machines for merchants to accept Bitcoin and other virtual currencies. Plus, the first Bitcoin ATM was installed in Vancouver last month and has taken over $1 million CAD since. Surprisingly, Canadian entrepreneurs seem to be leading the charge of consumer Bitcoin products in North America even though the Canadian government has a very unclear stance on the cryptocurrency itself.

Canada’s Bitcoin development, however, has absolutely nothing on China’s. Check out this absolutely insane Bitcoin mine in Hong Kong that appears to use the same amount of energy as a small nation. It’s entirely water-cooled! Then there’s BTC China, the world’s largest Bitcoin exchange. BTC-China actually hit the $1,000 per coin mark last week; well before the embarrassingly named, Tokyo-based exchange, MtGox (Magic the Gathering Online Exchange) exceeded $1,000 yesterday. The sheer amount of Chinese investment has been credited to both Bitcoin’s ability to evade strict government regulation, and simply because the Chinese are pretty good when it comes to saving money.

While the dramatic rises in value certainly make Bitcoin a tantalizing investment, it’s the comparisons between Bitcoin now, to the World Wide Web in the early 90s that truly captivated my interest. A video posted on IBM’s banking-focused YouTube channel asks the following question of Richard Brown, the company’s Executive Architect for Banking and Financial Markets: “Could Bitcoin be as transformational as the World Wide Web?”
 


IBM's Executive Architect for Banking and Financial Markets discussing Bitcoin's potential.

Essentially, Brown believes that virtual currency will change the world and will continue to be a powerful force in the near future—particularly in developing nations where access to the modern banking system is non-existent. But Bitcoin is simply just a protocol. Many of the technological apparatuses to make Bitcoin actually work in the real world do not exist yet. Right now, we can point to the world’s only Bitcoin ATM and prototypes of Bitcoin debit machines as proof of that new technology emerging—but we really have no idea where this is all going.

For example, Brown imagines a world where your fridge and washing machine have identities on the blockchain (the distributed ledger of all Bitcoin transactions, which is publicly available to all Bitcoin users) so that they could manage the purchase of electricity themselves, depending on how much juice the autonomous appliances need to chill your celery and launder your bra.

In its current state, Bitcoin is a framework from which brand new innovations can be developed. It is essentially a giant sandbox that is waiting to be populated with human beings who have impressive sandcastle building skills. The infrastructure of Bitcoin exists, but it's missing many of the applications that are necessary to make the virtual currency user-friendly.

One just needs to look at the process of buying a Bitcoin in to see how rough the system is. While it’s easy enough to grasp if you want to put the time in to learn, at the moment, you need to start off by getting an account at a Bitcoin exchange which allows you to buy Bitcoin with real world currency. The major player in Canada is Virtex, with Vault of Satoshi a distant second in terms of trading volume (it gets its name from Satoshi Yamamoto, the pseudonymous and mysterious creator of Bitcoin itself).

To get an account at one of these exchanges, you need to verify your identity—and this is where a certain amount of trust comes in—with a scan of your real world government ID and some proof of address, so the exchange can play fair with existing money-laundering laws. Once that process is complete (it can take over a week to get validated at Virtex) you can purchase coins through a janky, auction-style “order book” system. Once you’ve purchased Bitcoin, you’ll need to store the coins into a virtual wallet, either on your computer or your phone. The most secure way to store Bitcoin is in an offline “cold storage” computer that literally never touches the internet. This makes your Bitcoins impossible to hack remotely. No part of this process can be fairly described as user-friendly, so it’s clear that Bitcoin has some rough edges to smooth out.

It does seem, however, that these clunky processes will be redesigned soon enough. Reports of venture capital interest flooding into the Bitcoin market have become more frequent since the price started booming, and it’s not hard to see why. With such a popular (and somewhat sketchy) technological framework spreading like wildfire online, there’s a lot of work to be done to make it more accessible to the average person. This is a massive opportunity for the tech industry.

Peter Theil, co-founder of PayPal and Facebook’s first external investor, gathered his buddies who belong to his investment fund, Founders Fund, and dumped $2 million into a service called BitPay—which essentially is positioning itself as the PayPal of Bitcoin. BitPay allows online merchants to accept BitCoin easily. As it stands, there are very few options for retailers to do such a thing online—so BitPay is filling a very real need. A common dream for Bitcoin enthusiasts is that existing giants like Amazon and eBay will adopt the currency—but given that the coin’s value is in such a volatile state, and few people know what Bitcoin is to begin with, such mainstream acceptance is not likely to happen anytime soon.

Whether Bitcoin succeeds beyond the already ridiculous accomplishment of reaching $1,000 USD per coin and becomes a staple of day-to-day economics online, or if another virtual currency (like its silver competitor Litecoin) eventually takes its spot, there is evidently a very real push from society and industry alike to make virtual currency work. With so many people pushing their belief in cryptocurrency, its heights are probably still years away. On the other hand, even though the US government and China’s Central bank have issued their cautious approvals, if Bitcoin really takes off their approach might change—and a negative government backlash could really push virtual currency backwards.

Ultimately, Bitcoin is a fresh financial infrastructure that is untested by basically everyone in the world—but if this fever pitch continues to accelerate, we may see society continue to morph in unpredictable ways as Bitcoin spreads through it.

 

@patrickmcguire

Cry-Baby of the Week

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It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: An unnamed family member of Adric White


FOX10 via Reddit

The incident: A man was shot by an armed bystander while robbing a store at gunpoint.

The appropriate response: Nothing. Getting shot is an occupational hazard when you're an armed robber.

The actual response: A relative of the man who was shot spoke out, saying that the person who shot the robber was wrong to do so.

Earlier this month, 18-year-old Adric White attempted to carry out an armed robbery on a Family Dollar store in Mobile, Alabama.

During the robbery, a customer allegedly saw Adric, who was wearing a ski-mask, holding a gun to the head of one of the store's employees. 

The customer, who hasn't been named, was armed at the time and drew his own gun. 

He says he approached Adric, aimed his gun at him and said, "Hey, don't move."

At that point, the unnamed customer says, Adric swung around. "Before he had a chance to aim the gun at me. I fired. I didn't want to shoot him," he told FOX10 News.

Adric was shot five times but survived. He was taken to USA Medical Center where he remains in police custody. 

While reporting on the robbery, FOX10 News spoke to a relative of Adric, who also was not named. The unnamed relative said of the unnamed customer: 

“If his life was not in danger, if no one had a gun up to him, if no one pointed a gun at him, what gives him the right to think that it's okay to just shoot someone? You should have just left the store and went wherever you had to go in your car or whatever.”

At the time of the robbery, Adric was out on bond after being caught robbing an Oyster restaurant at gunpoint the month before. This would suggest he's not very good at robbing places at gunpoint, and should maybe try his hand at something else.

Police say that the man who shot Adric broke no laws and will not be charged. 

Cry-Baby #2: Norman Kazmierski


Niles Herald Spectator via Reddit

The incident: Someone left a note on guy's car criticizing his parking

The appropriate response: Parking better.

The actual response: He went on a criminal revenge rampage against his neighbors. 

Earlier this year, someone left a note on the windshield of 71-year-old Norman Kazmierski of Niles, Illinois (pictured above) after he'd parked poorly in the parking lot of his apartment building.

Gary Chase, the president of the condominium association for the complex Norman lives in, says the note asked Norman to "park properly so that others could park next to him."

Apparently he did not take the criticism well. 

According to Norman's neighbors, he waged a campaign of terror against everyone who lived in his complex.

They say this included him shutting off the building's emergency sprinklers, keying people's cars and throwing eggs at front doors.

So, in an effort to calm the sitution, the condo board invited Norman to their next association meeting to talk about his issues. 

According to a neighbor who attended the association meeting, Norman showed up, ate a couple of slices of the complimentary pizza the board orders for such gatherings, then immediately left. 

Once the meeting was over, the assembled residents went back to their apartments to find someone had smeared human shit on to their front doors. 

They suspected Norman, but had no way of proving it for sure, so they decided to spend $5000 installing security cameras in the building's parking lot.

The cameras, they say, caught Norman keying four parked cars belonging to residents. This footage was turned over to police.

Norman was arrested and charged with four counts of felony criminal damage to property. He has since moved out of the building.

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll right here:

 

Previously: A school that banned a woman from their grounds because her chemo made her smell Vs. A guy who called the cops because his neighbors wouldn't drink with him

Winner: The chemo school!!!

@JLCT

A Convict Killed His Cellmate to Avoid Deportation

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In a county that neighbors the jurisdiction of Joe Arpaio, America’s Trollingest Sheriff, law enforcement says an inmate was so desperate to stay in America that he horribly murdered his cellmate. This is because a concrete box is, according to Arizona cops, better than Mexico.

On Saturday, November 16th, during morning inspection, there was some kind of struggle. A prisoner in Corrections Corporation of America’s Florence, Arizona, facility received injuries from his cellmate that later killed him. The victim’s name was Michael Patrick McNaughton, and the cellmate’s name was Roberto Venegas Fernandez. Fernandez had strangled McNaughton, stomped his head in, and for good measure, bit his dick. Fernandez had been serving time for a sex crime, but it’s unknown whether this was his first dick-biting incident.

There was a cursory investigation, after which the Sheriff’s Department of Pinal County released a statement last Monday that the killing occurred during a fight. After further investigation, law enforcement reached another conclusion: “[Fernandez] liked it in jail and he did not want to be returned to Mexico. And he was willing to do anything, basically, to stay in prison.” In other words, Fernandez turned on McNaughton out of the blue because of his master plan to stay locked up.


Photo via

That quote about Fernandez came from Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeau, whose name might sound familiar. Babeau and Arpaio used to work together closely, but Babeau was recently outed, and now Arpaio is distancing himself from his Pinal County Counterpart. But Babeau being gay has not steered him toward the liberal immigration agenda. In fact, The Huffington Post reports that Babeau used threats of deportation against his Mexican ex-boyfriend who was threatening to derail his 2012 bid to run for Congress by outing him.


Paul Babeau. Screencap via

Babeau did not hesitate to make his position on immigration (against) into an issue in the Fernandez matter. He had this to say in his statement:

 “When does it become enough, with the thousands upon thousands of crimes that are committed in our country by people who are illegal? What is it going to take for the politicians in Washington to put American citizens in our country first?"

In light of apparently all undocumented immigrants getting so desperate that they’ll strangle you and take a bite out of your genitals to stay in America, what is it going to take? I have no clue, considering Obama is tougher on immigration than Bush was, averaging 32,886 deportations per month, compared to 20,964 for Bush. Arguably what it’ll take is funds, since it requires $23,000 of federal money to deport someone.

Maybe he’s advocating a system with no expensive removal process, which would bypass the need for all that money. In this new system, sheriffs like Paul Babeau can just shuttle all the illegals back to Mexico themselves. As a piece of anti-immigrant propaganda, Fernandez could make a powerful case study among the easily persuaded to join Babeau’s cause. Stay with me:

You have to start from the position that Arizona anti-immigration group Stand With Arizona takes, which is that all undocumented immigrants are felons. Beginning from that assumption helps, because rather than picturing eight-year-olds and guys with leaf blowers when someone says “undocumented immigrant” you can instead picture Danny Trejo, much scarier.

So with that in mind, assume, as anyone who has seen West Side Story would, that all Latinos just want, in their heart of hearts, to stay in America.

To be clear, it seems plausible that Fernandez does want to stay in jail, and doesn’t want to be deported to Mexico. It’s not far-fetched because he’s not operating on the same wavelength as most people, US citizens or not. Strangling McNaughton would have been enough to kill him, but according to the statement given by the Sheriff’s Office, the old head-stomp-dick-chomp was a bit of theatrics aimed at ensuring that the offense was marked down as first-degree murder. Fair enough, but is Babeau’s “What’s it going to take?” rhetoric meant to suggest that undocumented immigrants have a higher-than-average propensity for this kind of thing?

Before you comment, no they don’t. Most of the undocumented immigrants in our prisons are “felons” on the basis of their immigration status alone. Information gathered by the Immigration Policy Center (admittedly a lobby group), shows a steep rise in immigration to the US over the past two decades, and correlates that to a drop in violent crime. A little dubious without a causal connection, maybe, but in more limited studies of behavior within communities as covered in a 2008 paper by UC Irvine’s Rubén G. Rumbaut, Latin American immigrants were less likely than the US-born to commit violent crimes, even when they lived in poverty.

So immigrants are less violent, actually. Without a detailed psychological study, who can say why this is? Maybe, like Fernandez, they just don’t want to be deported, but they’re better at playing nice than he is. In any case Fernandez’s example lies, to say the least, way way way outside the average. 

@mikeleepearl

Kathleen Hanna Talks Punk Rock, Death, and Miley Cyrus

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Kathleen Hanna performing with Bikini Kill in 1991, image via

Kathleen Hanna is, was, and always shall be a polarizing person. As the lead singer of the punk band Bikini Kill, her unapologetic views helped define the third wave of feminism in the 90s and spurred the Riot Grrrl movement. Kathleen’s brazenness courted a great deal of critics who wanted to downplay the necessity of feminism; but as was customary for her, she continued to speak out against the male-dominated society with ferocity, and in the process became a reluctant but forceful spokesperson for her cause. After the demise of Bikini Kill, Kathleen recorded a solo album under the pseudonym Julie Ruin before forming the dance-punk band Le Tigre. The latter experienced a great deal of commercial success before Kathleen abruptly quit without explanation, leaving the spotlight without a trace.

Six years later, a documentary is being released about Kathleen’s life. The Punk Singer chronicles her journey from an outspoken youth in Olympia up to her new band, the Julie Ruin. In the movie, she explains that her decision to stop performing in Le Tigre was due to late-onset Lyme disease, an illness that sapped all of her energy and left her feeling unable to do what she loves most. I sat down with Kathleen to ask her a few questions about punk rock, death, and what she thinks about Miley Cyrus calling herself a feminist. 

Kathleen Hanna: How are you doing today?

VICE: Terrible.
Do you want to talk about it?

No.
Are you sure?

Yes. I could get into it, but there’s no point. I’d tell you about working on a resume all day for some job at an ice skating rink, but that would make for rather boring commentary, wouldn’t it?
[Laughs]

I’m failing to compete with 17-year-olds.
Bummer. I’ve been thinking about writing a resume. I was looking at being a teacher at the Clive Davis Institute of Recorded Music where I would help students improve their performance techniques. I kept thinking about how I would do that. I mean, what would I say? “Have charisma. You should all wear crowns.”

Speaking of charisma, who is your favorite lead singer of Black Flag?
[Extremely long pause] I can’t say. What’s that one guy’s name? See, I know Henry, but… he wasn’t my favorite. He’ll probably find out, but he’s a nice guy and won’t care. So I’d say that first guy whose name I can’t remember.

Yeah, if you’d said Henry Rollins, I was planning on getting up and walking out of the room.
If you think about it, it’s kind of unheard of for a good band to have more than one good lead singer. Actually, I almost tried out for the Misfits when they tried to reform. I think I have a total Misfits voice, and seriously, I could have done it. It was right at the tail end of Bikini Kill, and I was like, Do I keep doing Bikini Kill for the rest of the year or do I try out for the Misfits? I was convinced I was going to be picked.

It would have been badass.
It would have totally been badass! It would have changed the course of my history at least. If I showed up and it was all dudes, it would have been really funny. I would have stood out.

How do you feel about bands like the Dwarves?
Oh, the Dwarves… you know that album cover from Blood Guts & Pussy?

Yes.
Actually, do you know Corin Tucker? She was one of the singers from Sleater-Kitty and Heavens to Betsy, total Riot Grrrl bands from Olympia in the 90s. Corin had this really beautiful voice that made us all cry. But anyways, she was a 17 or 18-year-old college student making a video and she interviewed Bikini Kill and did not like us. She saw us as selfish because we were feminists and we were doing this thing that was pro-women—at least that’s what I felt when I first met her.

I watched her feelings about us change while we were doing the interview. She was actually listening to our ideas and was like, “Wait a minute, I’m a feminist, I actually have felt these same kinds of things…” So she changed her movie to be about the cover of Blood Guts & Pussy. She interviewed all the female bands that were around the scene about it. She’d hold up the cover and everyone would talk about it.

I was really offended by that album. We were in a scene that was so fucking male dominated and we were treated so poorly and that the album just sort of threw it in our faces. The whole thing was really anti-PC. If you read books about where that phrase came from, it was actually developed by a conservative think tank. Then it got used by people as a way to be racist or sexist or homophobic and absolve themselves from it. I do think there needs to be humor that’s uncontained, and I don’t think everyone has to agree on everything, but I think it’s important to understand the origins of the anti-PC movement.

With everything that was going on in the Northwest, I felt that Dwarves cover was simply shock for shock value. It was just to get attention, and it was at the expense of women. You know what I mean? There’s a naked woman with blood all over her body… and a dwarf? Like, why? [Laughs] It is an arresting image, I’ll give them that. You can’t forget it once you see it, so something was going on there, but I felt they were just doing this “Oh, we’re just so fucked up and crazy and anti-PC” thing.


Kathleen Hanna. Photo by Pat Smear.

That certainly seemed like part of it.
I knew so many men who wanted to get into arguments about feminism or whatever just because it was funny to them. They’d be like, “I’m just being a devil’s advocate here,” and I’d say, “You don’t understand. I live this, and it’s not funny to me.”

How involved were you in the editing process of the movie? Were there things you wanted to get in there that didn’t and vice versa?
I didn’t craft the narrative, which was very weird. I just kept reminding myself that it was Sini and Tamara’s movie, and it was gonna be whatever they decided it was gonna be. I tried to be kind of tight lipped about it. I don’t have any perspective on myself. You know, a lot of times before I go on stage I’ll ask my best friend Kathy what I should wear and I’ll just do it because I don’t have any perspective on what looks good on me and what doesn’t. I kind of had the same take on the movie. I didn’t have any perspective on what my story is, so I just let them go at it.

The only things I was kind of freaked out about was a) that shitty spoken word at the beginning, which makes me cringe, and b) the one part where I talk about my mom, the trusting thing.

[Editor’s Note: In the movie, Kathleen talks about her and her mother’s somewhat sadistic relationship by describing a scene where the two play a trust game. Kathleen lets herself fall backwards expecting her mother to catch her, but instead her mother lets her fall to the ground. Lying there, she looked up to see her mother laughing. At this point her mother remarked, “Let that be a lesson to you. Don’t trust anyone, not even your own mother.”]

I told my therapist that story and she was like, “That’s so messed up, it explains why you’re fucked up.” And I was laughing. Every time I’ve told that story I’ve laughed because I think it’s very funny that a grown woman would do that to a child. My mom was the type of person who was always almost pointing at herself, saying, “Who let me be a mom?” She was cool and I always understood her sense of humor. So I made them add a voiceover of me saying something stupid like, “She’s actually really awesome and I love her a lot.” I had to put something in that didn’t make it look like my mom was abusive, because she wasn’t.

I thought that part was kind of cute and funny.
I do, too! Nobody else does.

I wrote something down like, “I wish somebody had taught me that lesson before I met my ex-girlfriend.”
Don’t trust anyone, not even your own mom.

Here’s a question nobody wanted me to ask you: What do you think about death?
Oh, that’s a great question. I think it’s like a portal that you can go through to get out if you want, and it’s in every room—at least I see it in every room. That doesn’t mean I’m suicidal, it just means there’s always an escape route. Maybe that’s totally fucked up, but I think death is an escape route if you need it. It’s like an eject button. But I’m a control freak, so I always see myself as the one who makes the decision in the end. But that’s a really weird question because I honestly do see it as a tunnel.

I wonder how that’s going to read?
Just draw a picture of a whole in a wall.

How often do you think about death?
Well, not as much as I used to, but when I was sick I thought about it all the time. That’s when the portal ideas started going in my head. When you’re in an extreme amount of pain constantly, you become a totally different person. You start thinking to yourself, How can I make this stop? I was taking all this medication, marijuana pills, anything to make it stop, and it wasn’t working. So I’m like, there’s one way that I can make this stop. I had to believe that at some point I could make it through it, but knowing the portal was there was very helpful. I felt if it came down to it, I could make that choice.

I heard you say on NPR that you’re just as angry as before, but you’ve managed to direct it better. What pisses you off now?
You. [Laughs]

Do you still feel like you’re being attacked?
No—and you don’t make me angry, I just thought it was a funny thing to say. Things have really come around. People have been super cool. I feel like I got a lot of shit in the 90s from all sides, from asshole feminists who resented me and the attention I was getting, from dudes who didn’t want the punk scene to include women, from asshole journalists who just talked about our butts and what we were wearing, to people who wrote fanzines and wrote that same shit. What’s the difference between the mainstream and the underground if the fanzines are writing the same exact stuff Rolling Stone is writing?

I feel 20 years later, people are like, “Wow, that mattered, that was cool,” and I’m getting the kind of positive attention that I didn’t get back then. So when people are like, “Oh, that’s just nostalgia, that’s why people care about the grunge scene,” I’m like, “I don’t give a shit.” I just like feeling appreciated because at the time we weren’t appreciated, and people would throw shit at our heads while we were playing, and it was really, really hard. So I’m stoked.

The Julie Ruin’s song “Girls Like Us” reminds me of “Typical Girls” from the Slits…
Yes, but, I think “Typical Girls” is more making fun of girls who read magazines, put lipstick on, and stuff like that. I never liked that divide. I never liked the whole “we’re the cool girls who play music and you’re the stupid girls who go to the mall,” because I was the stupid girl who went to the mall and then later got into music. I feel like “Girls Like Us” is a statement that there’s no unity. And there shouldn’t be unity. There are no “girls like us.” All the shit in that song is totally abstract and doesn’t make any sense, and I guess in a lot of ways that is a tribute to the Slits. A lot of Ari’s lyrics were pretty fucking weird… She was a fucking weird person.             

Miley Cyrus recently called herself one of the biggest feminists in the world. Is she?
I love that. I have no idea. What do you think?

I don’t know.
I don’t know either. I mean, I feel like it’s cool that she’s this young girl that calls herself a feminist, but… do we want her in our club? [Laughs] Have you seen the new Lily Allen video? I’d suggest you watch that.

@countslackula

Why Pay for the Aquarium When You Can Go to China Town Instead?

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Photos by Aaron Wynia.

When it was first announced that the Ripley's aquarium was coming to Toronto, I reserved the naive hope it would be something entirely different, I mean, this was the same Ripley from Ripley's Believe it or Not!—a man who used to wow the world with interesting facts before the internet was around to call bullshit on everything and everyone. I naturally imagined that the aquarium would house all the mysteries of the planet’s water: mermaids, mermen, the Loch Ness monster, the Loch Ness monstress, and so on. Whether anything was real or not wouldn’t even matter since the disclaimer of, “Believe it or Not!,” would preemptively warn patrons that whatever they’re looking at is completely up to their level of delusion. However as I've learned from making a Christmas list every year, getting your hopes up will only lead to shattering disappointment—and the Ripley's aquarium turned out to be just another place to observe all the animals who were banished to the ocean because they weren’t cute enough to live on land.

Not only is Toronto’s newest and only aquarium without a kraken, they also charge $30 for you to not see one. You're almost better off staying home and watching BBC’s Blue Planet, where at least nobody will tell you not to tap on the glass of your flatscreen TV. I would be ready to vouch for that as the best alternative if it wasn’t for a magical place called China Town, where you can quite easily observe some of the weirdest, most unbelievable shit in the world and all for the low, low price of zero dollars. Which is exactly what I discovered on a recent trip. Come along now!

I started things off at the downtown pet centre, a shop found in the depths of Dragon City mall that's mostly populated by homeless people looking for a place to crash. The unassuming shop boasts a permanent gallery of fascinating creatures—and the plus side is you have the option of purchasing everything to take home if you'd like. Take this porcupine urchin for example, known for their fierce loyalty and inability to make any decipherable form of excrement. They make a perfect, low maintenance pet. No wonder there's only one left.

Until it moved, it was impossible to tell if this was in fact a lungfish or just an old man’s sock stuffed with pool balls. Even then I wasn’t sure whether I was looking at a fish or a surgeons general warning on a cigarette package.

Only once they finally get a button on the cash register for “Fish with testicles on head” will this be available for sale again.

Very rarely are safe distances measured in centimetres, but evidently this shop is proud to be on the metric system. I can’t imagine why such a miniscule distance needs to be kept between one’s self and these fish tanks, unless it’s just a matter of keeping customers from seeing how unkempt they are.

I arrived just in time at the Hua Long supermarket down the street for when the eel trainers do their nightly show. During one of the more family friendly bits of the act, a trainer folds the eel into a prop moustache right before brandishing it in front of your face and screaming fun facts about how much it costs per pound.

Just like at Ripley’s, there's 'touch tanks' here where you can get right up close and personal with the animals. Here's a moon fish, whose name is derived from humans naming things whatever the fuck they want because we are human and that's how things work.

This is a Raven fish. Usually, Raven is a sweet name exclusively given to badass, switchblade wielding renegades and/or kids who have rat-tails. This is a pretty serious legacy to live up to for poor ol’ Raven fish who looks like he was created for the depths of the ocean and was never meant to be viewed under fluorescent lights.

There was a tub of jellyfish hiding under one of the tanks—but don't worry, a jellyfish’s naturally enemy is urine and these appeared to be submerged in piss, which made the whole experience very safe. While cartoons like Spongebob Squarepants would have you believe jellyfish are friendly, goofy, animated creatures, in reality they look more like a heap of grey matter simply waiting to die.

The Big Head Crap is native to many of the world’s sewer systems and is best served steaming hot.

To shed some perspective on what it would be like if marine life existed outside of the sea, biologists assembled this bouquet of squid to remind viewers how important it is to preserve the world’s oceans as a place to keep these terrifying creatures. Nothing on land has tentacles, and that makes me pretty happy on a daily basis.

Down in the look-a-like gallery was this specimen noted for its similarities to Steve Buscemi in Con Air.

It's not unusual for lobsters to fight, but when they both support NDP, it does feel a bit confusing.

On a bustling Friday night these aquariums stay open till as late as 9pm! Make sure to stop by the gift shop located on lower Spadina on your way out. It's printed on a piece of plywood and contains the number for a reliable “hamter,” rabbit, and turtle dealer.

The China Town aquariums are open 7 days a week, are not wheelchair accessible and are self-guided. Since no dolphins or whales are harmed there, you can hold your dorsal fins high and enjoy a guilt free visit on any occasion. Enjoy!

Walmart Still Hasn’t Paid Its Fine From the 2008 Black Friday Trampling Death

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Jdimytai Damour via CBS

Walmart received a $7,000 fine from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) in 2008 after a Long Island store’s annual orchestrated stampede got too intense and one of its employees got killed. Since then, they have devoted 4,700 hours of legal work to not paying that fine. Because to do so would be to admit that they did something wrong.

After all, what did they do wrong? All they did was mark some highly-sought-after items down to discount prices and offer them to consumers two months into a global economic collapse. Then they encouraged shoppers to wait outside their store by a sign that said “Blitz Line Starts Here,” all while the store manager “rested” in a hotel, according to The New Yorker. They also brought in an extra staff of just two people specifically to work security, one of whom was assigned to watch the door, while the other one safeguarded the merchandise. 

Did those actions contribute to what happened next (PDF)? Namely: Does all that preparation mean Walmart could have known that it was possible for over a thousand people to show up, and start jumping barriers and clashing with cops? Walmart didn’t strike any agreements with local law enforcement, who took a this-is-your-problem approach to crowd control and beat it when the time was nearing to open the flood gate. It was assistant manager, Mike Sicuranza’s decision, not corporate’s, to place the biggest, burliest non-security employees front and center when the doors broke open in order to help stampeding customers up when they inevitably fell down.

So when one of those non-security employees, Jdimytai Damour, a Haitian immigrant who had been working there for a week, tried to do his job, and got his windpipe crushed by the crowd, his death was clearly the crowd’s fault, or the fault of Damour himself maybe, not Walmart

That's Walmart’s take. Every dollar they’ve spent in this matter has come with the caveat that it means they don’t have to admit fault. They did pay $400,000 to employees who were injured, or, to their families in the event that the injuries were fatal. But those $400,000 and the $1.5 million foundation they set up were all given out in exchange for not being blamed. They have also paid their lawyers (assuming a $90/hour average) $423,000 to make sure they don’t admit fault.

The $7,000 fine from OSHA comes with an admission of fault, and possibly even requirements that company policies be changed, but that doesn’t make paying it optional. Every judge who has evaluated this case has upheld the teeny little fine, which is the largest fine OSHA can levy unless the corporation was doing something malicious. So what would be the big deal if Walmart lost its final appeal, which might happen as early as next year, and had to admit fault?

It wouldn’t spell the end of Black Friday as we know it. This mythical construct in American culture is weirdly resilient. Every year it’s turned by maudlin leftists into something like a national day of mourning. If International Buy Nothing Day strikes you as sane and practical, check out BlackFridayDeathCount.com. Meanwhile, the mainstream media treats it as something more or less sacred, and the inevitable horrifying stampede footage is just a darkly funny sidenote.

In a story from Black Friday last year about two people being shot in a Walmart parking lot, the anchors on ABC News chuckled and thank their field reporter for “risking life and limb,” by being in stores. In this totally essential Wall Street Journal video about how retailers plan their markdowns in advance so that you’re never actually getting a bargain, the anchor behind the desk signs off by saying: “Well, I’ll still be doing the Black Friday sprint.” Why the fuck would you still do that? Did you not just hear the other lady tell you you’re being used?

No, Black Friday would still exist, but Walmart, where 6 out of 10 Black Friday injuries occur, would have to change its policies. For instance, they’d have to move their doorbuster markdowns so that they go into effect the evening of Thanksgiving, when the store is already open. They would also need to do something like make sure their inventory included enough of the high-demand items to make certain, or even guarantee, that customers who got there within the first hour would actually get the item they came for. That way maniacs won’t arm themselves with guns and grenades to keep other customers away, as happened in 2010.

Oh wait, they’ve already done that. This year, Black Friday bargains went into effect at dinner time on Thanksgiving (Fuck you, employees!), and they’ve introduced the “1-Hour In Stock Guarantee,” on the really in-demand items. They’ve looked into their policies from before, seen what they were doing to endanger people, and revised them. They just won’t say they’re sorry.

@MikeLeePearl


A Vandal Has Been Trimming Dick Sculptures Out of Bushes

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A vandal has been invading the Windsor Sculpture Park in Ontario, Canada, creating dicks out of bushes. Since October, there have been three incidents of bushes being transformed into leafy penises—completely ruining the artistic integrity of a sculpture park, which until now you might not have known was a thing—or is that just me?

The expert bush trimmer has not yet been identified, but their latest move was literally just spelling the word "penis" out of garland. Either this person is getting lazy or this is some sort of transitional period for the artist. Like Picasso’s “Blue Period”, but maybe more like the “Blue Ball Period”.

John Miceli, Windsor's director of parks and facilities, responded rather positively to the stunt. “The sculpture garden is getting all kinds of attention, and the bushes in the sculpture garden are getting all kinds of attention. It's a good thing. Hopefully people will visit our sculpture garden more often and take a look for yourself."

Miceli even (sort of) offered the vandal a job if he or she reveals themselves. In an interview with the National Post he said, “Well, it’s unfortunate that they don’t use their talents with our Adopt a Park program. We could really use their skills, because they’re very, very good, whoever’s doing it, at being able to, uh, shape things.” He later added, “give me a call, come see me and we’ll see if we can use your skill set.”

He went on to say that he doesn’t want to press charges once the culprit is found.  At first I was amazed that a guy in charge of a park being made the butt (well, more like dick) of a joke could be so pleasant and forgiving about all this. Then I remembered that this is Canadians we’re dealing with—the nicest people in the world. Think of the kindest person you know, and chances are they’re Canadian. If not, well they’ve probably been to Canada or at least seriously thought about it. I’m pretty sure their national anthem has a verse that reads: “Sorry so sorry. Are you feeling okay? Can I get you anything? Are you sure? Okay, sorry.”

Of course, if you take a joke too far even a Canadian will get mad about it. Spelling out the word “penis” instead of just making a bush look like one, that was too far. John Miceli has officially had enough. In a video interview with CBC News, he released his wound up rage, making it painstakingly clear that this criminal needs to back off or else: “It's language we really don't want to see on the riverfront. Unfortunately some people are taking it to a whole other level. We just want to deter people from doing that kind of stuff." If you’re not shaking in your boots right now, you must be the Hulk or something, because that's sounds serious.

 

Now, what I’m confused about is, why does there seem to be no security cameras in place? Your average convenience store has enough cameras to simultaneously catch someone stealing a candy bar, while someone else is pouring their head under the slushee machine glugging as much as they can get away with, and in the parking lot teenagers are about to get a stern warning from cops as cameras catch them begging adults to buy them beer. But a park with precious art installations ripe for vandalism and theft doesn’t have any? You’d think they’d at least have some footage of the crime being committed even if it’s just a shadowy figure. If not the first time, at least bring some in afterwards in case this sort of thing happens again, which totally did happen again, and again after that.

Unlike Banksy, this street artist is not making their next target a mystery. We know exactly where he or she will be doing this, and know that there is definitely ways to catch this person. If security cameras are a no-go, how about security guards? Guard dogs? Mounties? Maybe some sensor lights that go off when one walks by them? An airhorn?

At this point, the Windsor Sculpture Park team has no one to blame for this but themselves. I recommend we all sit back, and wait for the dickophile’s next move. I for one am excited to see what the talented trimmer will do next. 

@JustAboutGlad

Soylent Vs. Thanksgiving

These Artists Used Candy to Build Replicas of Famous Museums

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When Dylan’s Candy Bar invited Henry Hargreaves and Caitlin Levin to create artwork out of candy for a show during Art Basel Miami, the artists jumped at the chance to turn something traditional, like candy, into art. Inspired by their interest in architecture, Henry and Caitlin decided to reinvent gingerbread houses and use candy to build replicas of famous museums. Predictably, this posed many problems for the duo, but they used their talents to work through the challenges and produce beautiful recreations of the Guggenheim, the Karuizawa Museum, the Louvre, the Museum aan de Stroom, the National Museum of the 21st Century Arts, the Museo Soumaya, and the Tate Modern. Henry and Caitlin photographed the pieces in black and white and will show the images on December 6 at Dylan’s Candy Bar. Henry and Caitlin gave VICE a preview of the photos. Check out the photographs and then see the images in person at the show opening at Dylan's Candy Bar on December 6 from 6 to 8 PM.

Don't forget to visit the show opening at Dylan's Candy Bar on December 6 from 6 to 8 PM.
Dylan's Candy Bar
801 Lincoln Rd
Miami Beach, FL

33139

 

DANCE (RED) SAVE LIVES TWO from Stereosonic, Sydney 2013

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While you're hiding from the cold this weekend, Australia is partying in the heat at Stereosonic, the continent's largest dance music festival. For a second year in a row, DANCE (RED) has partnered with Stereosonic to fight the spread of AIDS in Africa. It all goes down over World AIDS Day weekend, November 30 and December 1, and will feature sets from some of the biggest names in dance music, including David Guetta, Calvin Harris, Sebastian Ingrosso, Empire of the Sun, Armin van Buuren, and more.

But don't fret. Even if you can't travel to Australia in the next 48 hours, you can still check out the show. VICE has partnered with DANCE (RED) to bring you a livestream of the concert's two main stages over the next two days. While watching the livestream, you can donate to DANCE (RED), the organization encouraging ravers to help fight AIDS in Africa. Here's how you can donate: 

1) Buy the DANCE (RED) compilation on iTunes! All proceeds go directly to (RED).

2) Bust a dance move on Instagram, and Coke will donate for you. 

3) Throw your own DANCE (RED) SAVE LIVES party. 

Here's the show's line-up:

DAY 1: November 30
START:
3 AM to 11 AM ET // 7 PM to 3 AM Australian EST
11:30 AM to 7:30 PM ET // 3:30 AM to 11:30 AM Australian EST
8 PM to 4 AM ET // 12 PM to 8 PM Australian EST

DAY 2: December 1
START:
5 AM to 1 PM ET // 9 PM to 5 AM Australian EST
1:30 PM to 9:30 PM ET // 5:30 AM to 1:30 PM Australian EST
10 PM to 6 AM ET // 2 PM to 10 PM Australian EST (December 2)

Day 1 (November 30)

David Guetta

Calvin Harris

Sebastian Ingrosso

Empire of the Sun

Tommy Trash

Kaz James

Feenixpawl

DJ Falcon

Day 2 (December 1)

Armin van Buuren

Axwell

Afrojack

Alesso

Bingo Players

Stafford Brothers

Sunnery James and Ryan Marciano

Gareth Emery

Mat Zo

Tommie Sunshine

Jerry Stahl Is Not the Father of a Mutant Child

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Image courtesy of Jerry Stahl

Happy may be one of the words in the title of Jerry Stahl’s new novel, Happy Mutant Baby Pills, but no one would ever describe the author of nine books as being happy himself. This is the man, after all, who launched into the cultural stratosphere in 1995 with Permanent Midnight, an addiction memoir that became a classic and established Jerry as one of the sharpest, gloomiest, and funniest observers of junkies around.

Eighteen years later, Jerry has penned eight more books, numerous television episodes, and an Emmy and Golden Globe nominated movie—many of them traveling over terrain as dark and uproarious as his iconic memoir. In other words, you know you’re swimming in Jerry Stahl soup when the characters are mentally ill addicts committing both petty and major crimes, the political conspiracies are rampant, and you’re laughing despite your discomfort over how close to home Jerry’s satire hits.

But Jerry is no longer the same man who became the face of junkie literature two decades ago. He lives a rather sedate life, and in the past year, he’s even gotten married and had his second kid. Despite this, Jerry is as funny and dark as ever. When I asked him if his 18-month-old daughter still cries through the night, Jerry nodded and asked, “Who doesn’t?” before adding, with only the hint of a smile in his eye, “I think it was her screaming last night, but it might have been me.”

You could say that Happy Mutant Baby Pills is as close to a parenting memoir as Jerry’s work is ever going to get. It features a heroin enthusiast named Lloyd and a “possibly very insane” woman named Nora who, in the author’s words, “decides that her protest against deregulation and rampant capitalism is to consume every over, under, and beyond the counter substance—from Rustoleum to Aspartame to every fucking drug you can imagine—in order to have the most mutant, fucked-up, egregious offspring she can.” A few weeks ago, I sat down with Jerry to talk about his new novel, the changes in his life, and his attempt to convince Ben Stiller to promote his book.

VICE: Was Happy Mutant Baby Pills inspired by your wife’s pregnancy?
Jerry Stahl: When I found out that she was pregnant, I had started this trial drug program for hepatitis C. They told me when they gave me the pills, “If your pregnant girlfriend so much as touches a drop of your sweat on a sheet, this child is going to be born purple with wheels and a Rondo Hatton head.” I said, “What the fuck? Do we have to fuck in a HAZMAT suit?”

So you guys didn’t have sex for a while?
She had to move out. It was too dangerous. She went back to Austin, and we had the baby there. When I came off the medication, I moved there for a while before we came back here. It was a crazy situation.

So you started to think, What would happen to the baby if we did have sex?
To bring a baby into this world is insane anyway, but by virtue of having a pregnant wife and knowing that being on this medicine could cause this baby to turn into a sideshow act, I got obsessed with all the chemicals that could cause damage, and I started researching. The only way I know how to deal with fear of something is to go right down to the bitter bottom, the most hellacious possibility, and so I found out about all these heinous fucking birth defects. Did you know that there’s benzene, paint thinner, toilet cleaner, and lithium in breast milk?

Are you serious?
Yeah. Although for my kid, a little free lithium may not be the worst thing in the world. This book was driven by this fucked up reality that nobody really knows or thinks about.

How much of the book’s protagonist, Lloyd, is you?
He’s sort of a failed writer, which is something I know a little bit about. He’s one of those people who reads the backs of cereal boxes as a kid and then grows up and writes the backs of cereal boxes, which also comes from my life—I’ve had some crazy gigs.

Some of the CSI episodes that Lloyd writes in the book sounded ike CSI episodes you wrote.
I’ve done more transgressive, skeezy shit at 9 o’clock—the family hour on the family network CBS—than I’ve ever put in print, and millions of people are happily consuming it. I did this episode called “King Baby” about this infantile guy who drinks breast milk and dies when he’s given an LSD enema and flies out the window.

How much of Nora’s concern about Monsanto and capitalism in the book is your own?
It’s all me, and I have a real fucking rage about it. I laugh at it, because what are you going to do? All oppressed people laugh at their pain.

The video you made to promote the book—which features you begging for promotional blurbs from Jason Schwartzman, Michael C. Hall, and Ben Stiller, among others—is hilarious. I didn’t actually know it was possible to make a good book trailer until I saw it.
Director Larry Charles, who’s one of my best friends and a complete mensch, volunteered to do it, and then Ben Stiller’s company, Red Hour, got Funny or Die to finance it. It was fucking great. It was mocking me as this desperate guy living in his car. The funny thing is, because I look like a guy who could conceivably live in his car, people actually believed it. I think my publisher thinks I live in my car. I have lived in my car before.

It probably wouldn’t work that well now, with the baby.
It would work fine with the baby—just throw the fucking diapers out the window. I did a Moth story where I talked about living in my car and how there was no bathroom, so I had to shoplift diapers because my solution to the lack of a bathroom when I was on drugs was to wear a diaper. You want to talk about incomprehensible demoralization? Try being caught shoplifting diapers from a pharmacy.

Did you actually wear them?
No, because I got caught.

You could say that getting caught saved you from further demoralization.
Yes and no. At that time, I was smoking a lot of crack, but I didn’t want to drink because I thought alcoholics were the lowest. So I was also drinking Robitussin DM, which gave me rocket-propelled blue shits, so I had blue stains on my ass like I’d won a fucking blueberry pie shitting contest at the county fair.

Anna David is the New York Times bestselling author of the novels Party Girl and Bought and the non-fiction books Falling For Me, Reality Matters, and By Some Miracle I Made It Out of There. She’s also the CEO and editor of TheAfterPartyGroup, the parent company for AfterPartyChat and AfterPartyTreatment.

@AnnaDavid

Shorties: MEGWIN Vs. VICE

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MEGWIN is an online superstar in Japan. He began uploading comedy videos onto his YouTube channel in the mid-2000s, and since then, he's become a digital sensation. Recently, VICE Japan caught up with MEGWIN and treated him to a plate full of salamanders, fermented herring, and a pile of chili peppers from Mexico. We're proud to say he completed his challenge with a face full of snot, sweat, and tears.

Subscribe to VICE Japan's YouTube channel.

Taji's Mahal: The Public Fruit of Erin Albrecht

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Photos by Erin Albrecht 

For this week's Mahal, I caught up with photo extraordinaire, Erin Albrecht. Unlike most photographers, Erin never shoots parties, fashion shows, or other events. Instead, she photographs moments from her own life, because she's practically always doing something cool outside. Although you'll never see Erin photographing your 13-year-old cousin's Bar Mitzvah, you can see her never-ending photography stream at her site, Public Fruit. Earlier this week, Erin sent me her favorite photos and spoke to me about the method and motivation behind her photography. 

How did you get your photographs to look crispy?
Erin Albrecht: For a while, I was only allowing myself to shoot with an 85 millimeter lens, which tends to produce pretty crisp images.

Is it true that you do not shoot for anyone but yourself?
No one makes me do it.

How would you summarize your editing process?
I shoot almost only on film. The hardest part is always making the selections. I tend to lose focus pretty quickly, and I refuse to limit myself to one particular style or look, so I guess my photos are all over the place, but I like that. There are enough rules to follow in life. With photography, I can do whatever I want.

Has giving birth to your son changed your photographic eye at all?
Maybe. His curiosity is pretty contagious, although maybe I infected him with it.

Do you have any themes in mind when you go out shooting?
I am attracted to awkwardness. I am often feeling pretty anxious, so I think I'm looking for company there, but I'm also searching for beauty. I like to try to find it in unexpected places, like the look on someone's face right before he sneezes or my dad's feet, which are shaped like trapezoids. There's too much weird in the world to be fixated on standard perceptions of beauty, but I like beautiful and boring things too. I like to take pictures of everything.

What's your advice to other people trying to create cool photographs?
I like photographs that show me something I haven't noticed yet.

What is public fruit?
I grew up in Minnesota and attended many pot luck meals at church, which were breeding grounds for various fruit salads. The ambrosia salad would sit there for hours, and as a kid I felt like I could see the bacteria multiplying at the bottom of the dish. I would also never eat the fruit garnish on the edge of the plate—I swear one time my orange slice had a booger on it. That's public fruit.

I wouldn't want to eat that either. Thanks for telling us about your process, Erin! Good luck capturing more public fruit. 

@RedAlurk


Saunas Are Finland's Best Diplomatic Weapon

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Sanna Kangasharju poses at the Sauna Society in Washington DC. Photo courtesy of the Embassy of Finland in Washington DC

Finland loves saunas. Luckily for me, my mom’s best friend married a Finn and I have a Finnish boyfriend, so I’ve been able to sweat it out on my visits to the Nordic nation. However, it wasn’t until my boyfriend’s mom, Finland’s ambassador to Mexico, let me use the sauna at Finland’s ambassadorial residence in Mexico City that I realized Finland uses saunas as a form of diplomacy.

All Finnish embassies, consulates, and residences have their own saunas. At some embassies, Finnish ambassadors regularly socialize with politicians, diplomats, and journalists while boiling in the buff. At first glance, this looks like another luxury for diplomats, but saunas are pretty normal for Finns and also encourage good diplomacy—Finns forbid people from arguing in saunas and insist everyone comes out as friends. After all, it’s pretty hard to imagine anyone bothering to argue when they’re sweaty and nude.

Yes, everyone gets naked at the diplomatic saunas. “In the beginning, [visitors] normally have their towels around them, but then the sauna itself is quite dimly lit, so people often start feeling more comfortable there, and the towels drop,” said Sanna Kangasharju, the press counselor at the Washington DC embassy’s Sauna Society. According to Sanna, the Sauna Society has become a networking hothouse for both Republicans and Democrats—up to 25 journalists, think-tankers, and Capitol Hill staffers descend on the sauna to discuss politics each month.

“There’s a lot of competition among all the embassies here to get the interest of these people,” Sanna said. “I often say that the sauna societies are our best diplomatic weapon.”

Even Vice President Joe Biden, who lives across the road from the embassy, has supposedly received an invitation to the Sauna Society. (Sanna isn’t sure where the rumor came from.) Sauna diplomacy has a long history of steaming away vice presidents’ egos. George Bush was widely reported to have jumped naked into the Baltic Sea after a session with the Finnish Sauna Society on a 1983 trip to Helsinki when he was vice president. (After secret service had checked under the ice for any potential assassins freezing there, of course.)

Finland doesn’t just use saunas to build their relationships with the American government. When Finnish peacekeepers arrive in a conflict zone, like Egypt or Afghanistan, they build a sauna. Soviet big wigs were regulars in Finnish saunas during the Cold War, the steam quite literally diffusing tensions as Finland asserted its neutrality on the edge of the Eastern Bloc. In 1960, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev came to Finland for President Urho Kekkonen's birthday and allegedly partied in the sauna until 5 AM.  Soon after the visit, the Russians said they were prepared to support Finland's relationship with the west. 

Image courtesy of the Embassy of Finland in London

Finland also uses saunas to create a positive working environment for government staffers. Located in a wealthy neighborhood in west London, the UK embassy is a white, stucco-covered pile of a building. Inside the grand facade, the sauna is tucked away in the basement, beyond a small grey-tiled shower room. The tiny, wood-panelled cube has two-tiered benches that can comfortably fit about four people on either side of a small stove. Unlike at the embassy in Washington DC, only the staff uses the London embassy's sauna. This isn't because Finland prefers the US to the UK. When I visited the sauna last month, Pekka Isosomppi, the UK embassy’s press counselor, said Britons’ prudishness and penchant for coffee dates makes London ill-suited for socializing in the nude.

The embassies insist you won’t find sex in Finnish saunas, let alone in diplomatic saunas, although some people outside Finland still associate Finnish saunas with embraces in the dark. “We find that sacrilegious; we find that almost blasphemous,” Pekka said, when I asked him about that perception. “I find it quite offensive actually.”

Pekka insisted saunas are for friends. This may sound like a quirky tradition only suited to the frozen forests of northern Europe, but what Finland is doing seems to be working. Have you ever read about anyone getting pissed off at Finland? If our politicians and diplomats got naked and sweaty together more often, maybe the world would be a better place.

@rachelmsavage

The Hell Scene of Fukushima Scare Blogs Beckons

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The Hell Scene of Fukushima Scare Blogs Beckons

Comics: GG Allin and Son

Weediquette: The Best Blazing Albums Ever

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Before I smoked weed, I assumed marijuana was an intoxicant. Experience quickly corrected my assumption, revealing weed's role as a creative tool. Instead of inebriating me, smoking sparked my imagination and allowed me to interpret my senses in a different way. Things that were less interesting become more interesting, and things that were already interesting become totally awesome. For this reason, it is probably not a coincidence that most of my favorite albums are ones I discovered after I started blazing. 

Both my experimentation with cannabis and my interest in abstract music arose when my older brother, Bhai, went to college. Periodically, Bhai returned home with food for both habits: far superior bud and stacks of tapes and CDs he had accumulated at school. As he lifted each album out of a shoebox, he described it with a sentence-length review. During one of these crash courses, he took extra time to emphasize Aphex Twin's magic. After several unsuccessful attempts to put Richard D. James Album into words, he said, “Y’know what? When you get a chance, just smoke a fatty, close your eyes, and listen to the whole thing on headphones.”

A few days later, I took his advice. Late on a school night, I slipped out onto the balcony, got insanely stoned off a joint containing a miniscule amount of Bhai’s weed, and listened to Richard D. James Album from beginning to end. I followed the words by the letter and kept my eyes closed the whole time, opening them only to marvel at what was happening inside my head. Within the complex array of analog sounds that comprised each song, I felt like I was finding patterns meant to remain obscure. I was in the throes of glee when my mom came out and broke the spell, pulling off my headphones and sternly informing me it was bedtime. Back in my room, I started pulling out old albums in hopes of using weed to shine new light on them. To my dismay, I couldn’t find any additional depth in Cypress Hill or 311's records. The only album that had layers was Radiohead’s OK Computer, which is still one of my favorite albums of all time. The next day, I called Bhai and hounded him for more weird music, and the next time he visited, he came equipped with more records. 

Having influenced my musical taste for my entire life, Bhai knew which albums would spin my little mind into bliss. The new batch included Boards of Canada’s Music Has The Right To Children, Amon Tobin’s Bricolage, and a sampler tape lacking an insert. Over the next week, I snuck onto the balcony every night to have aural epiphanies, which my mom eventually interrupted. The night I got to the sampler tape, I welcomed my mom's intrusion because I wanted to share my wonder with someone. After she informed me that it was now 1 AM, I said, “Ma. I just heard the greatest thing I have ever heard. It’s by some guy called DJ Shadow.” She absorbed this and then said it was now 1:02. I returned inside, rewound the tape, and listened to it again. I soon got my hands on a copy of DJ Shadow's debut album, Endtroducing....., and intensely listened to it, my eyes wide open the whole time because I had never imagined that wordless music could speak so fluently to my soul. I have since learned that many people feel like DJ Shadow’s first album is the soundtrack to their lives—there isn’t a moment that can’t be scored by some portion of it. Every time I burned a fatty and listened to it, my mundane suburban surroundings were suddenly filled with color and mystery. Few of my school friends could understand how these dusty compositions could bring me such joy. Although those friendships have since faded, I still listen to Endtroducing..... every couple of weeks to recalibrate my mind.

In comparison to the other electronic records that struck a cord with me, Endtroducing..... is organic fare. The Guinness World Records lists it as the first album to be composed entirely of samples, and I always suspected the album is special, because it’s a mixture of obscure cuts from all eras of recorded music. All of that creativity lived and died and then found a common channel through this one artist at this one particular point in time. Endtroducing..... is proof that there's some sort of binding element across all music. If that thought doesn’t illustrate my obsession with this record, then my next study of it should.

By college, I had listened to Endtroducing..... about a thousand times, with the added benefit of progressively improving my joint-rolling skills. Interested in the album's composition, I began researching DJ Shadow's samples. Considering how rudimentary the internet was back then, I am amazed I was able to compile as many of the original tracks as I did—I sure as hell could have used this handy comprehensive list on Wikipedia, but I made do with what I had. Listening to all the songs together on one playlist, I imagined hearing those perfect moments as DJ Shadow must have heard them. Only half aware of what I was doing, I started tinkering with each song, chopping them up, and then finding new loops. This soon became a full-fledged stoner project—to make an entirely new album using the same songs DJ Shadow sampled on Endtroducing.....

Right as my project picked up momentum, my hard drive crashed—I lost everything I had created. Like any crash, it completely took the wind out of my sails. I soon forgot about the remix endeavor, along with some other projects. Recently, I was digging through an old hard drive. Among some old beats, I found a handful of preliminary tracks from the Endtroducing..... remixes. My brain pretty much exploded. Needless to say, I have smoked while listening to these cuts many times since rediscovering them. They’re not quite songs. Some of them are simply loops that could have become songs with a bit more labor. Who knows? With a little time and a lot of weed, I might finally finish this project. 

Check out my interview with DJ Shadow for the Creator's Project. 

@ImYourKid

Inside Schilling: Some of the Worst Paul Walker Death Tweets

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Photo via Flickr user Tim Evanson

When a celebrity dies, the online community divides into two distinct camps: the oversharing, sincere mourners and the blatantly insensitive amateur comedians. The first camp doesn’t even need to be intimately familiar with the deceased. A tweet or post could simply say, “I watched him or her in some of my favorite films, TV shows, and YouTube videos, and I will miss his or her singular contribution to my life.” The second camp makes some crass joke to prove how edgy they are, while also revealing they are incapable of the simple human emotion of empathy. These jokes can come from anyone, but usually come from short, bald, ugly men who’d chop their own dicks off for a retweet from Howard Stern.

When news hit yesterday that Fast & Furious star Paul Walker had passed away in a car accident, the cycle of acceptance and annoyance began yet again. Here's a sampling of the reaction, both heartfelt and genuinely stupid.

 

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