Photos by the author

Stand-up comedy is not an artistic pursuit, nor is it an altruistic one, in spite of what that thought-provoking meme of Louis C.K. you just shared on your Facebook wall might imply. It is performed for utterly self-serving purposes: to attain desperately craved validation. It is a solitary, narcissistic enterprise. If you’re unfortunate enough to feel the pathetic desire to do it, and you are not Louis C.K., your narcissism is punished by its lack of monetary worth.

Granted, if you’re inoffensive-looking enough to get cast in a commercial as a fun-loving nerd who feels positively about a cable provider, or as the fun-loving nerd sidekick on a mid-season replacement show that’s canceled before the first episode even airs, you might make a little money. Chances are, however, you will not do either, and you will either give up, get pregnant, or move back to the hometown you foolishly thought you’d be able to escape. Whatever you choose, your dreams are likely going to die before you do.

I am but one of the doomed souls who performs the “craft” of which I speak, to incense variations of validation. Virtually every time I do, I operate at a financial and emotional loss. If I am paid in one drink, one solitary fucking drink, I consider the show a windfall.

Still, day after day, I continue to plug away. Sometimes, I get the chance to do comedy festivals, which are ego-gratifying ways to hemorrhage money. I recently drove to one in Omaha from my home in (where else?) Los Angeles. And, as a stand-up, I am narcissistic enough to assume you’d like to read all about it. Which is why I’m writing this. That, and I lost one metric fuck ton of money on the trip, and I’ll recoup some of my losses if I write this. See what I mean? Self-serving. 

Mesquite, NV

We stayed on the state border, in an Indian casino. We smoked silently, mashed slot machine buttons, and interacted very little. Afterward, we all concurred that we had a great time. I lost $110 on a Sex and the City slot machine, which I played ironically for validation, even though I played it to a party of zero.

Rural UT

Driving through Utah, I, a person who normally could give less than a shit about the majesty of scenery, couldn’t help but feel eye-fucked by nature’s beauty. At one point I felt as though I needed to see a strip mall ASAP, lest I start to believe in a latter-day higher power. Thankfully, my wish was granted within the hour.

Denver, CO

We drove through a tunnel carved out of the center of a mountain and emerged on the other side to an impenetrable, sight-ruining wall of slush and snow. I, behind the wheel, repeated the words “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t” as a mantra as I thought about the fact that this wasn’t the way I wanted to die: on the way to a show to perform in front of a painting of deer fucking. I wanted to die doing something cool, like smoking a cigarette or giving birth (to a boy, natch). We eventually got to Denver, still reeling from the experience, still electric. We drank whiskey to calm our nerves. We did very well, performed in front of a painting of deer fucking, and left immediately afterward, with the intent of driving out of town to procure a cheap motel room.

Who Gives a Fuck, CO

After hours behind the wheel, struggling to find some room at the inn for our group of chain-smoking degenerates, we eventually shelled out $77 for a motel room in the middle of goddamned nowhere at 3:30 AM. I, of course, balked at the price. “The Super 8 is more expensive,” the tired looking woman in track pants behind the counter informed me. “If you can believe it.” Multiple holes punched in the wall of our room had been poorly patched up. “Who was the previous guest? My father?” I quipped. I am very funny. Presumably because I grew up in a hostile household.

Fort Cody, NE

Fort Cody, a Buffalo Bill-themed tourist trap, was a wealth of offensive tchotchkes, made in China to look like they were made in the United States by Native Americans. Pelts were everywhere. It was next to an Applebee’s. We spent an unreasonable amount of time there, taking photo ops with weathered signs and in mock jail cells.

Lincoln, NE

We were pulled over, because I committed the heinous act of driving six miles above the speed limit. The cop asked a litany of questions, up to and including “are there drugs in the car?” My response wasn’t exactly honest. “You have any knives, weapons, bombs?” he inquired. “Just our jokes,” I replied. Stone-faced, he nodded. “That’s very funny,” he replied robotically.

Omaha, NE

As we stared out at the vast, green, flawless lawns, and the concrete lions outside the house's door, I told my friend Amber, "the Midwest is like Xanadu for the middle class." "The Midwest has a middle class," she said, wide eyed. The parents of my friend Jeff, who housed us for the weekend, put out a constant spread of snacks and beverages during our stay. This is what an intact family unit must be like, I marveled.

The guy at the Jiffy Lube, gesticulating toward my Mudhoney bumper sticker, asked if I liked Mudhoney. I nodded. “LOVE Mudhoney,” he said. “I used to live in Washington in the 80s.” After doing a hell of a job fixing the shambling mess that is my car, he asked, “You like Mother Love Bone?” “Yeah,” I replied. “Me too,” he smiled. “Probably like ‘em even more than Mudhoney. Used to see those guys all the time. Get coffee with ‘em.” I could tell he had been waiting years to relate this anecdote to someone, anyone. I was glad it was me.

Before a show, we ate somewhere with a name I initially thought was a combination of pasta and the passage of time (Old Spaghetti, Ancient Linguini, Dark Ages Fettuccine, etc.) but actually was called Spaghetti Works. Said spaghetti was, of course, bottomless, and, of course, flavorless. The salad bar was in a hollowed-out Model T. The Midwest had me completely under its spell.

I told Twitter I would give $500 to anyone who could find me Alexander Payne’s address, and an additional $500 to whoever could convince him to fuck me. A stranger replied, told me to hit up the health food place where Payne’s mother’s friend works, and didn’t even ask for money. God is good. And by God, I mean the internet, our new, modern God. I wrote something to this effect on Facebook afterward. My mother “liked” it.

I performed in a cape and kid gloves, and felt like an idiot, and did not care. A drunk guy approached me afterward and gave me a backhanded compliment: “You went up there, and you’re a girl, but you opened hard. You didn’t even say anything about how you were a girl or nothin’. You just gave ‘em the truth.” I accepted the compliment graciously, even though it rankled me to no end.

One night, our payment was via a trough of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Miller High Life cans, presented in the context of an after party. Every drink previous to the ones in that night’s trough, however, was ours to buy. Sure, we got a dollar off, but the fact that they cost more than a dollar still made it a losing proposition.

Drinking, however, was compulsory. We drank a little before the show, our rewards afterward being the purchase of more drinks. We got fucked up, we slept until one, and we started again. When we withdrew money out of the bar ATM to buy our next drinks, we said yes to the $2.95 fee but said no to the offer to check our account balances. For obvious reasons.

Follow Megan Koester on Twitter.

Logan stops by in this episode of Kids Telling Dirty Jokes. This cutie came ready for the camera with some badass Spiderman kicks and jokes made to offend. He spit out vulgarities left and right. One day he'll be famous for it, I'm sure.

Click here for last week's episode.

On November 18, 2003, Michael Jackson’s 3,000-acre primary residence, Neverland Ranch, was searched by 70 police officers from the Santa Barbara Sheriff’s Department after accusations that Jackson had molested some children (The People of the State of California v. Michael Joseph Jackson). Following this, Jackson abandoned his estate, saying it had been “violated," and three years later the property went into foreclosure.

While the Ranch floated in real estate limbo, a group of photographers snuck onto the grounds and explored the abandoned kingdom, returning several times between December 2007 and March 2008. I spoke to the photographers to see what they saw. (Because tresspassing is illegal and I was feeling nostalgic for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, they will be referred to as Leonardo, Raphael, and Donatello. A fourth member contributed photography and was not interviewed.)

VICE: What inspired you guys to explore Neverland Ranch?
Leonardo: It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing. I was aware that the park had been abandoned for quite a while, and I knew that Jackson was in Dubai at the time and that he wasn’t able to pay his electric bills. So, my understanding was that it would be a short-lived opportunity. I usually drive along the 101 freeway, and I decided, I have a few extra hours, I’m just going to go check it out. It just so happened that the day I was out there, it was pretty windy. It was a good cover because there were guards on-site, and the wind sort of blocked out my noise. I was able to sneak in without being heard. I had no expectation to make it in, but I just wanted to see.

What was the weirdest shit you saw?
[Raphael laughs]
Leonardo: Raphael is laughing because everything we saw was pretty weird. To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of Michael Jackson, but I knew that he was an important American historical figure. At the time, most people probably didn’t realize that he was part of history, and I knew that there was the potential for everything that was associated with him to be quickly lost. Without our documentation, I think it would’ve been a huge loss. So, I thought it was important to do that as quickly as we could, before it was gone.
Raphael: Are we talking about going into his house? Is that part of the story?

Please.
Raphael: We haven’t really told anyone about it... OK, the strangest thing to me was the little boy in pajamas sitting on the moon logo, everywhere. Like, it amazes me how much it resembles the DreamWorks logo. That thing was painted on the ground, like, 60 feet wide. It was on the signs, on the bumper cars, it was on the coach station where they parked the coach, one on the ground.
Donatello: That’s his creepy logo, right?
Raphael: It’s got a little boy sitting on it in those footie pajama things. Isn’t the back open, or is that only on some of the paintings?[Laughs]

Oh, my God.
Donatello: The other thing was that he collected memorabilia that had his likeness on it, he had Pepsi bottles and books and other promotional material in boxes. He also had stacks and stacks of fan mail, and one piece that really grabbed me was the prosecuting attorney of his molestation case with devil’s horns drawn on. That was just laying on a tabletop—maybe a Pac-Man table?
Raphael: You read his fan mail?
Donatello: We were flipping through some of it.

How did you guys get into his house?
Raphael: We probably don’t want to talk about details about how we entered.

Was it difficult?
Leonardo: We didn’t have to break any laws, because it was open. It was all open. The house was open.

Wow.
Raphael: One thing that really sticks out in my memory was drinking his grape soda from that walk-in kitchen storage area and then very carefully wiping the fingerprints off the bottle and hiding it in the bushes.

Wait, you drank his juice?
Raphael: I was thirsty and he had all of this grape soda, and I thought I’d just drink something from his house.

Was it actual grape soda?
Raphael: Yeah! It was actual grape soda. In the kitchen there was this “Children of the World” menu. Everything in there was geared toward children. I’m not sure he had any, but…

He did.
Raphael: That menu, on a permanently-printed chalkboard with peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches and macaroni and cheese, that sticks out in my mind. And the strange hodgepodge of shit that he had bought that didn’t have any relation to his house. His entire house was filled with these expensive looking, one-off, semi-artistic things.

Semi-artistic?
Raphael: These weird mirrors on this four-foot by four-foot platform. And that would be next to some Roman statue-looking thing. Next to that would be an eight-foot-tall oil painting of Michael Jackson himself. There were all of these paintings inside the house.
Donatello: There’s one where he’s leading a procession of children.

What was the vibe in the house?
Donatello: I was really on-edge and uncomfortable, mostly because I was worried that someone might find us in there and I think it’s just such a breach of privacy. It was so compelling to do it; I couldn’t not go in because the opportunity was there. But at the same time, it just felt wrong. It was this constant friction between fascination and, “I’ve got to get the fuck out of here, I shouldn’t be in here.”
Leonardo: That’s true. We all felt that way. We [as urban explorers] don’t normally ever go in peoples’ houses.
Raphael: It’s all usually industrial, or old schools, or things that aren’t people's personal residences. At one point, I got so fed up with the weirdness that I went outside and I tried to loosen them up by banging on the door. I had a flashlight in my hand, and made it look like I was busting them. We fuck around with each other quite a bit, but Donatello was furious that I did that.

That’s ridiculous.
Donatello: I don’t remember that. It must’ve been such a bad memory.
Raphael: I scared the shit out of you.
Leonardo: I remember that vividly, actually. I didn’t find anything that creepy about the whole thing. I found it really odd and different, but I wasn’t scared at any moment. I think none of us were really scared. Mostly we felt like we shouldn’t be invading the privacy of someone else. But I never felt like I was afraid of any of the things that he put out there. It just seemed really exotic and different. There are far more odd things in this world than what Michael Jackson was.
Raphael: The whole thing was just really an adventure, and going somewhere that nobody’s ever seen, and seeing all of this stuff, it was right after he left the country because of the molestation charges. So in our mind, it was like looking at everything more from that angle. There’s the kids’ stuff, there’s toys everywhere, there’s the huge arcade—a giant child-magnet.
Donatello: I don’t know. I don’t want the whole gist of this interview to back up those allegations toward the guy.

That’s OK. I was actually going to ask how much of the property you ended up being able to see?
Donatello: We pretty much saw everything except for the petting zoo area. We went to the arcade, the mansion, the amusement park rides, the railroad train station, all of the statue areas…

I’m shocked that you guys weren’t caught.
Donatello: We’re kind of professionals. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but… We do this a lot. We do a lot of research and recon. But also, it’s surprisingly low-key because there’s a guard truck down by the road, and we just avoided that guard truck, and once you’re past that, you’re in the valley, and you’re on your own, and it’s pretty desolate.
Raphael: Surprisingly, we just roamed about the grounds. Casually.

It’s a pretty huge space, isn’t it?
Raphael: Really big. We didn’t even get to the zoo, because it’s so far away.
Donatello: One other interesting thing—we did go in Michael's room, but both of the kids’ rooms were locked from the outside.
Raphael: We decided not to get into the kids’ rooms, because it didn’t seem right.

What about his toy room?
Raphael: It was maybe 60 feet by 30 feet, and filled with every toy you could imagine. Life-size Lego models, Darth Vader—all sorts of awesome toys.
Donatello: The other thing I remember is that there were game stations set up all around the house. Imagine those consoles for Super Nintendo that you might find at the Best Buy store, but set up with all different systems.

Was there anything adult in there? It all sounds like mostly kids’ stuff. And weird art.
[Laughter.]
Raphael: There were a lot of big, lounge-y spaces with couches and all the strange art objects.
Donatello: I remember seeing really normal things, change lying on a coffee table and a little office space with a computer and typical home stuff.

Roughly how many rooms did he have? It's a mansion. It must’ve been fucking huge.
Leonardo: He probably had 10 rooms, I would say. The mansion itself was not as huge as you’d think, but there were all of these other smaller buildings that we didn’t really go in.

Isn’t there a massive clock in the garden?
Donatello: Oh, dude, there’s all kinds of crazy shit in the garden.
Leonardo: Didn’t you take a picture of the clock with the hands stuck, and then you realized later on that you took the picture within three seconds of what the hands were stuck at?
Donatello: I did! There’s this clock that’s stopped around 2:55, and I just happened to snap the shot almost exactly at that same time, without even realizing it until a year later.

Pretty serendipitous. Although, how did you know that it had been stopped?
Donatello: The power had been cut off, and the hands weren’t moving.

The house didn’t have any power?
Donatello: If I remember correctly, there was no power in the mansion but the water was working.

Did you guys use the bathroom?
[Laughter.]
Donatello: I think we checked the water or something because we were just curious if it worked. What’s weird is that within his house, there was no dust. It was immaculate. The carpet was vacuumed, and there was no dust on any of those crazy sculpture or statues. That’s kind of why we were on edge—like, people are here. A lot of things were covered in vinyl-type tarps to protect them. But it was obvious that someone was in there cleaning, I would say, at least once a week, by how clean it was.

But he hadn’t lived there for a while…
Raphael: I think that’s what signified to Leonardo that he was OK to go in there.
Leonardo: The house is foreclosed, it’s basically derelict, defunct. That’s when it hit my radar.
Raphael: It’s probably obvious that we really only go to abandoned and defunct sites.

You don’t seem like paparazzi.
Raphael: We're paparazzi of bridges, maybe.

Thanks, guys. 

Follow Jules Suzdaltsev on Twitter.

An armed MQ-9 Reaper drone at a military base in April. Photo via Flickr user US Air Force

On Thursday, a panel made up of former military and intelligence officials released the most thorough examination yet of America's fondness for the remote-controlled flying death machines commonly known as drones. A little over a year after President Barack Obama gave a major speech that attempted to justify his expansion of the use of these unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs), his pals in the national security elite have detailed the strategic, legal, and ethical questions underpinning their use.

The report, released by the Stimson Center, a Washington think tank, urges far greater transparency when it comes to drone strikes in Pakistan, Yemen, and elsewhere; it also calls for an internal cost-benefit analysis, the formation of an oversight commission to review UAV policies, and a concerted effort to assess future trends in drone warfare.

Warning of a "slippery slope toward continual or widening conflict and instability" across the globe, the group of ten former CIA and Pentagon honchos argue that the White House risks setting a precedent other countries, including US antagonists like Russia, might be tempted to follow.

"What we don't want to have happen is sort of sleepwalk into a new normal where all of a sudden it's totally common to be launching strikes of any kind all over the world—and now everybody else is doing it too beacuse we set the norm," panelist Janine Davidson, who served as deputy assistant secretary of defense in the Obama administration and is now a fellow at the Council on Foreign Relations, told me in an interview.

"These task forces are always tricky because there's always cynicism that it'll be a report that just sits on a shelf or whatever," Davidson, a former aircraft commander and pilot, added. But even though the panelists were broadly critical of the administration's current policies, their diagnosis should carry significant weight given that many of them have been in high-level national security discussions before (indeed, they met with White House officials while working on the report). Some of the recommendations the authors make, such as having the Pentagon manage drone attacks rather than the CIA, are supposedly already in the works. And Obama seems to realize that stories of strikes on wedding parties that result in young children getting ripped to shreds do not represent good "optics," to say the least—especially as flying robots become more and more common all over the globe.

"We're coming up to a next wave where [drone use is] going to be domestic, it's going to be commercial, and it's going to be global," said Samuel J. Brannen, senior fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies. "There's this pretty naive view out there that the US is going to be able to prevent drone proliferation by simply deciding it doesn't want to export drones and setting up some sort of arms-control regime. That's just not going to happen. The cat's out of the bag."

Coming just a few days after the court-ordered release of the legal memo intended to justify the 2010 killing of American al Qaeda operative Anwar Awlaki in Yemen, the task force's critique of the administration for its lack of of transparency rings especially true. Among other things, the authors point out that there has yet to be a comprehensive government cost-benefit analysis on the use of drones to kill terrorists and challenge the conventional wisdom that UAVs have been key to containing Islamic militancy since 9/11.

"There is no indication that a US strategy to destroy al Qaeda has curbed the rise of Sunni Islamic extremism, deterred the establishment of Shia Islamic extremist groups, or advanced long-term US security interests," the report says.

As a second-term president who has no more elections to win, Obama obviously doesn't have to worry all that much about how popular his counter-terrorism programs are. But inasmuch as these are prominent members of the US foreign policy brain trust wagging their fingers at him, one would think his almost-lame-duck administration will have a hard time simply brushing it all off as griping from peaceniks.

"Drones are neither some evil super-weapon nor some mystical magic bullet," Georgetown University law professor and former Obama administration official Rosa Brooks, a cochair of the task force, told me. "It's just another way of dropping bombs from the sky. It's just another technology, then, but it's a technology that has made certain things easier than they used to be and given rise to what we see as a somewhat dangerous fantasy that we can kill our way out of a very complex problem one bad guy at a time."

The authors of the report specifically reject the oft-repeated assertion that drone warfare is like a video game that breeds an isolated "Playstation mentality," pointing out that PTSD is disproportionately frequent among drone pilots because they spend weeks or even months surveilling their targets.

Still, the specter of endless war facilitated by UAVs (the use of which reduces the impact of combat on most Americans) is essentially the status quo at this point thanks to the sweeping powers granted to the military and intelligence agencies after 9/11.

"The problem is that it's not drones that are deciding to kill people wherever they might be killing them, it's policymakers and it's counter-terrorism policy and it's specifically the authorization of military force," Brannen, who recently authored his own report on this subject, told me.

The worst-case scenario is that the administration does some tinkering around the edges, pats itself on the back for simultaneously solving global terrorism and obeying international law, and then doesn't actually reduce the frequency of morally dubious strikes. If nothing else, however, the debate has clearly shifted onto friendlier territory for the civil libertarian crowd. Not only is the military potentially facing electoral rebuke in the form of various 2016 presidential contenders who hope to build their brands as opponents of the national-security state over the next couple of years, but—as the task force's report shows—the Beltway establishment that sticks around regardless of who wins elections is starting to wake up to an existential problem.

"When Human Rights Watch or Rand Paul says something, people have a tendency to say, 'Oh that person or that group would say that,'" Brooks said. "Our hope is that this is not a group where people think, 'Oh, well they would say that' when you're looking at the former general counsel of the CIA and the former commander of [US Central Command] and the Bush administration's top lawyer out of the National Security Council."

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Chief Roger Williams (in red), among fellow members of the Tsilhqot'in First Nation. Image via YouTube.
The most important court case over aboriginal rights in Canada’s history ended with a landmark decision handed down Thursday by the Supreme Court of Canada, which granted declaration of aboriginal title to more than 1,700 square kilometres of land to the Tsilhqot’in First Nation.

The move is being lauded as a “game changer” by lawyers, chiefs, and First Nations representatives throughout Canada and was met by cheers and tears of jubilation, said Grand Chief Stewart Phillip, president of Union of British Columbia Indian Chiefs.

In addition to its significant expansion of aboriginal land title rights, the decision also has the potential to severely impact pipeline projects like the controversial Northern Gateway—which Enbridge plans to build through unsurrendered First Nation land—as well as resource-based projects from mining to forestry. It also completely changes the rules for a multitude of land negotiations still unresolved throughout the country.

The Tsilhqot’in comprise approximately 3,000 members spread out over six aboriginal bands. At issue was their claim to more than 4,000 km of land in the B.C. interior near Williams Lake.

The court battle began more than 20 years ago when the province granted approval for a logging company to commence work on Tsilhqot’in territory. Over the years, the fight has been heated both inside and outside the courtroom, and at times involved blockades.

This issue has been ongoing since the Tsilhqot’in War of 1864, “when our warrior chiefs were tried and hung,” said Tsilhqot’in Chief Roger Williams, who launched the legal challenge. “So I think of all our elders, our leaders, our past chiefs, the things that they’ve done to get us to this point… they were telling me: ‘We may have to take it to the Supreme Court of Canada to do this.’ Some elders didn’t make it to the trial.”

A gathering of prominent First Nations leaders came together Thursday in a Vancouver boardroom to wait for the decision together, Phillip said. When a lawyer in the room began to describe the essence of the ruling, the room erupted in shouts, hugs, and high-fives. It was “electric,” he said.

“It was hugely emotional. This struggle has been going on for the last 143 years. It takes us back to confederation, it takes us back to the Calder decision 40 years ago when Frank Calder, a former Nisga'a MLA took the famous Nisga’a case to the Supreme Court of Canada, and that began our long arduous journey, which was to seek a declaration of aboriginal title in the province of British Columbia,” Phillip said.

Another landmark B.C. Supreme Court decision in 2007 originally ruled that aboriginal title for the Tsilhqot’in applied to the broad expanse of their entire territory. However, in 2012 it went to the B.C. Court of Appeal and the decision was overruled, saying that the Tsilhqot’in had hunting, fishing, and trapping rights, but that it only applied to certain small areas.

“We condemned that decision on the part of the B.C. Court of Appeal as being very narrow, impoverished, and racist in nature,” Phillip said. “It described our aboriginal interests as ‘postage stamp,’ or in small spots [of intensely used land.]”

Map of the Tsilhqot'in First Nation land (highlighted in yellow), via YouTube.
Now, the Supreme Court’s latest decision completely rejects this notion, and asserts that aboriginal title in fact does apply to the broad expanse of a nation’s territory, he added.

At its essence the issue has been how to define and then prove aboriginal title, and how that title would then be exercised by the nation that possessed it.

“Every single decision for 40 years has found a technical reason not to make a decision about aboriginal title—in terms of actually declaring title,” said Douglas White, a lawyer and former chief of the Snuneymuxw First Nation who specializes in indigenous law.

“That’s been the basic pattern since the Calder decision in 1973, until 6:44 this morning. They’ve refused to issue a declaration. The Delgamuukw decision was in 1997, for god’s sake, and the courts said (to the government), ‘Go and sort this out,’” he said. “And the Crown showed up to the discussions with the most impoverished and ignorant mandates, which didn't reflect the law, which means that we’ve never been able to resolve these issues.”

This happened for a range of reasons, but was ultimately because the courts were hoping the Crown would engage in good faith negotiations and resolve the fundamental title issue. That didn’t happen, so with this ruling, the courts are now making it clear their title is real, meaningful, and has major implications for lands and resources, White said.

Now that the decision has come down from the highest court in the country, there is no room for appeal. However, the unanimous 8-0 ruling does not prohibit economic development. Though the government is now required to get consent on development from the Tsilhqot’in, it will be down to further consultation and negotiation as to how their rights can be infringed, if at all.

“I think this is it for them,” Williams said with a chuckle. “They’ve failed and now they’ve got to deal with the consequences.”

Aboriginal Affairs Minister Bernard Valcourt was not available for comment, but in a written statement to the Toronto Star he said the Conservative government believes “the best way to resolve outstanding aboriginal rights and title claims is through negotiated settlements that balance the interests of all Canadians.”

As for how it will all play out, essentially “everything is now in question,” Phillip said. The decision also has huge ramifications for Kinder Morgan’s Trans-Mountain pipeline expansion.

It draws into sharp focus the fourth condition of the provincial government’s five conditions vis-à-vis Enbridge’s proposal, Phillip said, which is to ensure the legal rights and interests of First Nations are met.

“Twenty-four hours ago, that meant something entirely different than it does today. The laws have changed,” he said.

“All of it, everything they've done for 150 years that has been premised on the idea that First Nations don't matter, has now been totally smacked down,” White added.


@juliehchadwick

Protest photo via Christopher Roy.
A long-fought battle over a tiny island came to a head over the weekend when hundreds of protesters descended on the rock off Ganges, Salt Spring Island, B.C. The protesters are concerned that the aboriginal burial cairns on Grace Islet, B.C., are being desecrated by the construction of a 3,000-square-foot home by an Edmonton man, Barry Slawsky.

“It’s already been destroyed,” says Chief Vern Jacks of the Tseycum First Nation, whose ancestry includes people who would have been buried in the area. “It’s awful.”

Slawsky is the owner of the now-out-of-business San Francisco Gifts, home of whoopee cushions, stink bombs, itching powder, and other fun novelties including lamps that have forged UL labels and catch fire. He did not respond to interview requests, but according to the developer building his home, he has owned the islet for 20 years.

“They say they own it, but who owned it before?” asked Chief Vern Jacks of the Tseycum First Nation. “Rich people get away with a lot of things.”

According to Chief Jacks, Slawsky has not responded to their requests for a meeting.

“We haven’t even seen that fellow around,” he told VICE.

The provincial archaeology branch also turned down interview requests, but spokesperson Greg Bethel released a statement, saying: “While it is widely believed that the rock cairns on Grace Islet are burial cairns, no remains have been observed at the site.”

That statement, which was reported by the CBC and the Victoria Times-Colonist, is actually false. A human jawbone and a rib were discovered on the islet in 2006. Archaeologist Eric McLay then visited the island and found about 20 human bones among two different cairns.

“There’s no question that this is a burial ground,” McLay says.

A formal assessment later found 15 burial cairns. The provincial archaeological branch, which is mandated to balance the rights of landowners with those of First Nations, issued building permits that came with conditions that the construction did not disturb the site.

Then the site was disturbed. In 2012 a machine breached the buffer zone around one of the cairns, prompting backlash from local First Nations. The local First Nations reported violation to the RCMP, but were frustrated by the lack of response.

Grace Islet image via the author.
The owner was ordered to hire an archeological firm to sift through the disturbed soil, but they found nothing.

The house will be built on stilts to avoid the need to bulldoze the site, which McLay believes to be a way of getting around regulations more than a gesture of respect.

“Anyone who was serious about respecting Coast Salish culture would take the time to meet with them,” McLay says. “There’s so many burials on the island that it’s basically impossible to build.”

But the issue really appears to be about more than just disturbed soil. For the 13 local First Nations, it’s about respect for the site itself, not the individual cairns. In Coast Salish culture, burial sites are places exclusively for the dead, separate from villages, which only specific caretakers could visit.

“No one would consider building a house on a [European-style] cemetery,” McLay says.

In fact, the BC Cremation, Interment and Funeral Services Act protects cemeteries from disturbances ranging from firing guns to littering. Unfortunately this does not extend to traditional First Nation burial sites, regardless of how obvious they may be.

The plan to build the house is still a go. The main hope for the First Nations was that the province would buy the site from Slawsky and protect it, but the Archaeology Branch scuttled that option, saying there are too many sites like it around the province.

Chief Jacks says he is willing to accept compromises—but he just wants someone in the government to take the issue seriously.

“They pass the buck so much, by the time it gets back to me it’s thin as a dime.”


@j_ws_t

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: Melissa Parsons

The incident: A park ranger danced while on the job.

The appropriate response: Smiling or cringing, depending on your age and if you're related to the park ranger. 

The actual response: A woman filmed him dancing, complained to his bosses that it was obscene, and got him fired.

Up until last week Deryl Nelson, a park ranger in Chattanooga, Tennessee, was known as "the dancing park ranger." He was known as this, obviously, because he would often dance while on duty.

His on duty dance sessions started about a year ago, when he joined a group of people who were in the park dancing to "The Macarena." People reacted well to it, so it became his "thing."

Earlier this month, Deryl was filmed dancing by a woman named Melissa Parsons. You can see parts of the video in the news clip above. If you're unable to watch the video, it shows a slightly-dorky middle aged man dancing like a drunk dad at a wedding.

Melissa said she filmed it because she and others were offended by Deryl's explicit moves. "As a parent and seeing all the parents that were covering their kids eyes and turning their heads away..." she told News Channel 9. "It wasn't something you would expect to see in Coolidge Park or anywhere from a grown man, especially a man in uniform."

"He went all the way down to the ground, he came back up from the ground, he was grabbing areas that you would see on a rated-R movie," she went on.

Melissa sent the video to the public works department, who fired Deryl. They listed "conduct unbecoming of an employee" and "inefficiency or negligence in performance of duties" as the reasons for his termination. 

After finding out that she'd gotten the man fired, News Channel 9 reports that Melissa said, "something needed to be done, whether it be fire him or reprimand him, but it was at the city's discretion to do so."

Cry-Baby #2: Joel Valerio 

Screencaps via CBS Boston

The incident: A man locked himself out of his car.

The appropriate response: Calling AAA or breaking a window or something. 

The actual response: After 911 operators refused to come and help him, he allegedly set fire to a bakery. 

Early last Tuesday morning, 24-year-old Joel Valerio locked himself out of his car in Leominster, Massachusetts. 

According to CBS Boston, he went to a nearby convenience store to ask for a hanger, which he attempted to use to get into the car. It didn't work. 

So Joel called 911 and asked them to help him out. As it's local policy to only help people who are locked out of their car in an emergency (like if a child is locked in the car), the operator told Joel that there was nothing they could do.

Security camera footage shows that Joel then spent a few hours wandering around the parking lot, stopping a couple of times to fish around in a dumpster. 

According to police, he then went behind a bakery and started a fire. Within 40 minutes, the building was completely engulfed in flames. 

"Our detective believes he was angry that police and fire wouldn't help him unlock his car and he set a fire because of that," said Lieutenant Michael Goldman of Leominster Police.

The bakery was seriously damaged and has had to close for business. Speaking to CBS, Bob Addonizio, the owner of the bakery said, "I've been born and brought up to respect people and all their property but apparently this gentleman did not care about me or my family or anyone else."

Nobody was injured in the fire.

Joel was charged with felony arson and is currently in police custody.

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Previously: A family who started a riot because they weren't allowed to take knives into an amusement park vs. a woman who kidnapped her daughter to stop her from being vaccinated

Winner: The knife family!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.

The AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power protests in New York City against the Anti-Homosexuality Bill in Uganda. Photo via Wikicommons

On February 24, the Ugandan government finally succeeded in ushering the long-debated Anti-Homosexuality Act into law, which has been dubbed the “Kill the Gays Bill” by a torrent of international critics for its early iterations’ inclusion of the death penalty for homosexuality. Though homosexuality has been illegal since Uganda’s first post-colonial Constitution was written, this new law ups the penalties for being gay, including life imprisonment for such "aggravated homosexuality" as recurring gay sex—and up to five to seven years for advocating on gays’ behalf.

Despite homosexuality’s illegality, Uganda is home to a minority of openly gay people including prominent gay activists Clare Byarugaba and David Kato, who was murdered in 2011. When I was studying in Uganda back in 2004 I had a few openly gay acquaintances in the capital city, Kampala; in certain circles, it was possible to be openly, albeit relatively quietly, gay.

But now simply advocating for or providing services to a gay person can be interpreted as "promoting homosexuality," a crime with passage of the new law. Already, civil rights organizations are being punished for their advocacy on behalf of gays in Uganda. In two separate letters dated March and May of this year, the government suspended direct service activities of the Refugee Law Project, a Uganda-based pioneer in international migration law and refugee protection, based on allegations that the organization was "promoting homosexuality" in refugee communities.

What, exactly, does the "promotion of homosexuality" look like? It’s a perplexing notion, and the law itself is troublingly vague. "As an organization we already made clear our position that we don't even believe it's possible to promote homosexuality," says Dr. Chris Dolan, the Refugee Law Project’s Executive Director—since homosexuality is not a choice. "Of course we believe it is possible to protect the rights of LGBTI people, and that that is our responsibility."

Though inhospitable to homosexuals, Uganda has long been a regional hub for the desperate, with 265,000 refugees and asylum seekers currently living in the country. Just look at a map of East Africa and you’ll see why: Uganda, which has been comparatively stable for the past several decades under the presidency of Yoweri Museveni, neighbors infamous conflict zones like the Democratic Republic of Congo, South Sudan, Somalia, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Eritrea, and Burundi.

But it’s not just geography. Uganda has some of the more progressive and hospitable refugee laws compared to other countries in the Great Lakes Region. This is in part due to the work of the Refugee Law Project, which has served as a watchdog for mistreatment of forced migrants and an advocate for human rights issues, from sexual violence in conflict zones to transitional justice in war-ravaged northern Uganda to broadening the support for internally displaced people and refugees in urban areas. (Full disclosure: ten years ago, while studying abroad as a college student, I interned with the RLP for two months, but have had no contact with the organization since.)

Now, all the Refugee Law Project’s direct work with refugees has been suspended, indefinitely, due to the allegations that they are not just defending, but promoting homosexuality. The allegations, according to the government, were made by an outside party, and officials have launched an investigation—for a period of time that remains indefinite. During the probe, the Refugee Law Project is not able to do any direct service work with refugees of any persuasion. “We’re being punished before the investigation is even complete,” says Dr. Dolan.

LGBT refugees are some of the most vulnerable forced migrants—they are often fleeing their country because they have been persecuted for an unchangeable aspect of who they are into the arms of another country where they might very well be persecuted again. Starting around 2008, according to Dr. Dolan, the Refugee Law Project started advocating for the rights of LGBT refugees (the organization runs many simultaneous advocacy campaigns). In 2009, once the "Kill the Gays" bill was launched into action through creepy back room talks with prominent American Christians, the Refugee Law Project joined the Civil Society Coalition, a union of over 50 Ugandan human rights organizations advocating against the bill’s passage. This public advocacy made the Refugee Law Project a direct target once the law went through this February.

In mid-2012, years before the law had even passed, the Minister for Ethics and Integrity, Simon Lokodo, made a public announcement that he wanted to close down the Refugee Law Project and the Civil Society Coalition for their pro-gay advocacy. "In that sense, we were not surprised," says Dr. Dolan.

On March 17, the Refugee Law Project issued a statement on behalf of the Civil Society Coalition that began: "Dear Friends and Colleagues, and all who fear living in a society that has no room for minorities…" The letter announced the "historic petition" filed in Uganda’s Constitutional Court on March 11 against the law’s passage, and links to this video documenting the petition’s filing.

On March 14—right between the petition’s filing and the organization’s email blast—the Ugandan government sent its first letter to all Refugee Settlement Commanders ordering the operations of the Refugee Law Project suspended in the settlements. On May 20, they issued their subsequent letter suspending direct service activities in the capital.

Interestingly, these letters of suspension came not from the Ministry of Ethics and Integrity, but from the Minister of Relief, Disaster Preparedness and Refugees—the office that, presumably, would be more interested in overall refugee well-being than the relative fringe issue of homosexuality.

"We work with all refugees—we don't carve out the ones that are easy to work with," Dr. Dolan tells me. "We work with everyone based on human rights and international law." Of the 3,000 registered clients of the Refugee Law Project, homosexuals actually make up a very small percentage, but as Dolan explains, "the whole refugee population that constitutes our clients is being punished by this suspension."

The suspension of the Refugee Law Project’s activities reflects the broad brush stroke of this law, and its potentially devastating impact on a subsection of the population. This suspension means that the organization is not allowed to meet directly with any refugees, in the camps or in the towns and cities, to conduct interviews, legal aid, research, psychosocial support, therapy groups for victims of sexual violence—or any other direct activities.

In the past six months alone, a single office of the Refugee Law Project, the "Gender and Sexuality Project," has screened 1,237 refugees for experiences of sexual violence, "helped 87 clients who reported sexual violence to access Post-Exposure Prophylaxis within 72 hours of the incident," and connected 309 survivors to support groups. None of these activities are permitted to continue under the current suspension. (The organization can still conduct academic research and advocacy, so long as no contact with refugees is involved.) Previously, the organization would open up its offices weekly for local, unaffiliated refugee groups to use the space for community meetings—this service, too, has gone out the window.

The Anti-Homosexuality Act of 2014 reads like the bluntest of satire: "(1) A person commits the offence of homosexuality if— (a) he penetrates the anus or mouth of another person of the same sex with his penis or any other sexual contraption; (b) he or she uses any object or sexual contraption to penetrate or stimulate sexual organ of a person of the same sex; (c) he or she touches another person with the intention of committing the act of homosexuality. (2) A person who commits an offence under this section shall be liable, on conviction, to imprisonment for life." Intent to commit homosexuality?

"Attempt to Commit Homosexuality" is also criminalized, as is "Aiding and abetting homosexuality," "Conspiracy to engage in homosexuality" and, of course, "Promotion of homosexuality." The US government is troubled by the law and its enforcement, and has already announced aid cuts and other sanctions on Uganda if the Anti-Homosexuality Act is not overturned.

In a public statement issued on June 5, the Refugee Law Project announced that the organization "considers [the] allegations baseless and unlawful." Meanwhile, RLP is attempting to negotiate with the government (the nature of which, for obvious reasons, Dolan does not wish to comment on). In the agency’s public statement about the suspension, they say, "We respect the due process of law." But with a law like this, "due process" is part of the trouble: just this week, as Buzzfeed reports, a Ugandan high court ruled that it is in fact legal for the government to shut down activities of organizations deemed to be promoting homosexuality.

It’s safe to say that Uganda’s anti-gay witch hunt has officially begun.

Follow Lauren Markham on Twitter.

Photo via Flickr user Sharon

FitPregnancy.com released a list of the hottest hipster baby names of 2014, and it was, as expected, a big, steamy crockpot full of crazy. A baby is a blank canvas with which to project your anxieties about how lame/unsuccessful you are. A child is like a second chance at life, so it's become popular to try to find a nontraditional, weird name in the hope that the kid will grow up to be an Olympic skiier, a baseball player, or Ronnie James Dio. Unfortunately, the odds of failing spectacularly are very, very high.

Choosing a bad name for your little bundle of joy could be the difference between your baby going to Yale or sucking exhaust fumes out of your SUV's tailpipe just to "feel something real." I don't care how many dope tricks he can do on a skateboard, if your son's name is Mortimer Von Brompfman, he's not going to amount to more than being really good at vampire role-playing games and fashioning steampunk versions of everyday objects to sell on Etsy.

There's no clear definition for what constitutes a "hipster baby name," though I'm pretty sure the FitPregnancy.com list missed the mark by not being weird enough. All the really chill toddlers who take baby DJ classes and were normcore before normcore was "normcore" will just think your kids' parents are fucking mad basic. They'd be right.

I've decided to rank the names on the FitPregnancy list from one to ten on a chillness scale to show you where they went wrong, plus offer some way chiller suggestions for the next time you decide to selfishly create another life on a planet that's running out of resources.

The Boys

• Auden (9)
• Byron (9)
• Enoch (1)
• Gulliver (2)
• Ignatius (1)
• Lennon (9)
• Murray (15)
• Nico (7)
• Orson (5)
• Roman (7)
• Salinger (10)
• Zane (16)

"Auden" is surely a reference to the English poet W. H. Auden. Save this name for your little fella if you want him to be sensitive, contemplative, and witty. Same with "Byron" and "Salinger." Literary references are a great substitute for a personality, so use these liberally! Well, except for Ignatius, unless you want your son to grow up to be a blithering idiot who will in turn name his kid something dumb like "Enoch" or "Gulliver."

"Nico" makes me think of the mysterious German chanteuse, which is weird, since this is supposed to be a boy's name. I guess that's on me. "Murray" evokes hipster icon and drunk maniac Bill Murray. "Orson" is for obese film director Orson Wells. "Lennon" is for writer/actor Thomas Lennon from The State. I had to give "Zane" a 16 out of 10 because who doesn't love Billy Zane? That's right, no one.

What this list is missing is a sense of risk. A couple suggestions:

• Damascus
• Anders
• Shamwow
• Brutus
• Festus
• Barnaby
• Hercule
• RoboCop
• Ronnie James Dio

The Girls

• Briseida (3)
• Farrah (8)
• Inez (8)
• Liora (8)
• Minnie (8)
• Odette (8)
• Pandora (1)
• Romy (8)
• Suzette (8)
• Tessie (8)
• Wren (8)
• Zola (8) 

Most of these were pretty great, save for a couple notable slackers. The references for the girls are maybe a bit less highbrow, but for the better. Pandora is clearly a nice shoutout to James Cameron's seminal masterwork Avatar. Interesting that "Romy" made the list. but not "Michele." Yet another career low point for Lisa Kudrow. Tessie was the name of my grandmother, and she was pretty hip. She owned a phonograph before it was cool. 

Some alternatives:

• Badger
• Partition
• Bingo
• DMZ
• Shadowcat
• Papajohns
• Juwanna
• Hillary

Good luck to all the babies out there. You're going to need it.

Follow Dave Schilling on Twitter.

Toronto Pride image via WikiMedia Commons.
This weekend is the height of Pride in Toronto, but as you should probably already know, this year is not an ordinary Pride. This year Toronto is hosting WorldPride, an event organized by InterPride, a group that promotes LGBT issues on an international level. In honour of the 45th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots, an exhibition was held to commemorate this milestone, as well as an opening ceremony, a press conference and of course lots of crazy, late-night parties.

On its own, Toronto Pride is known to draw in over a million people, most of which are tourists and visitors from all around the world. WorldPride is estimated to bring in five times more people this year—and if you’re a gay person visiting Toronto, there’s probably a lot of things you need to know. That’s why I’ve put together this handy how-to, where you’ll find out the rules to gay partying in the city. Sure, there’s shopping and other touristy shit you can do, but the most important thing is where to party, how to party, and how things work around here.

Pride-Partying For Dummies 

Newbies should always have an entourage—a group of friends that’ll show you the ropes, get you drunk, and make sure you get into lots of good trouble. Your crew should be mindful of the crazies that lurk the streets when Toronto gets an extended license, and have your back in the event that something goes down. Make sure to bring lots of money for drinks, food, and emergencies, wear next to nothing, and keep a condom and a pocket pack of lube handy just in case. A drunken walk home could lead to a potential park-fuck, so you should always be prepared.

Speaking of sex, because this is your first Pride, there’s a chance that 'the thirst' will be at an all-time high. Always remember that every dude at the party probably isn’t gay (weird, right?). Some dudes are just there for that 4 AM last call or to support their gay friends. If your gaydar is fucked, make sure you have a fag hag that’ll let you know the scoop. The only exception to this rule is an unwarranted advance from the other party. Sure, he claims he’s got a girlfriend at the bar, but if he grabs your butt and signals you to the bathroom, just remind yourself what Kermit the Frog would say. 

As a Pride veteran, you don’t have much to remember, except that you were once that drunk baby gay on the dancefloor. This is when karma is really taking notes, so just be nice to the young bucks. It costs nothing to help a drunk person get a cab or see if someone is having a good time. Don’t be an asshole because that’s gross and you won’t get laid. Nobody likes that guy that thinks he’s above it all. If you’re one of those guys, people will think you suck and that’s never good. And lastly, you’ll probably still be gay after Pride. Don’t take the shit so seriously! Just have a great time and book off work Monday.

The East vs. The West

Like any major city with a vibrant gay scene, there’s always that separation between the east and the west. West-end gays often frown at the thought of going to the Village and vice-versa. It’s always a real drag trying to convince your stubborn friends that one is better than the other. What you’ll find this year at WorldPride is that some of the west-ends' smartest party promoters have brought their parties over to the east. There’s nothing risky about a change of scenery, especially when your events have some of the best DJ line-ups of the week. On the flipside, the west-end has its share of crazy nights as well, and 4 AM last call. Realistically, you can find good trouble in both areas, but for the sake of argument, here’s what each side has got going on.

East:

DRIP (June 27-29, Smith & House Maison): Where do you go when “It’s Hot Out?” usually to the Beaver for a night where Travis Richel and Chris Belo Barbosa (CBB) play a lot of house music for a mixed crowd of party goers every month. This successful night, amongst others, led to the creation of their block party called Drip. The event debuted at last year's Pride and featured headliners like Kingdom, Brenmar, along with a mixer of different local DJs and hosts.

Given the huge response they received last year, the boys are back with a crazier lineup, and will be hosting three full days of events at both Smith and a new venue—House Maison—on Church Street. With headliners like House Of Ladosha, Andy Butler (Hercules And Love Affair), Bok Bok, Le Youth, and a lot of big name locals, DRIP will attract electronic music fans, DJs, gays, straights, and a whole lot of randoms just looking for the best party in town. It’s the kind of party you can invite your straight friends to, or your mom. Get down on the dancefloor with your mom. Not weird at all.

TRADE (June 30th, the Black Eagle): In the last few years, Scooter has become one of the top DJs in the Toronto scene. TRADE is the newest party in his roster of goodness. This sex-positive party is usually hosted by gay porn stars and has hot go-go boys dancing all night. Lots of people dance, fuck, and make-out all over the room. It’s kind of become that one-stop shop for gay partygoers, especially if you’re looking for a nice event where you can be slutty and not get judged for it.

The WorldPride edition will be held on the last day of Pride, and unlike the monthly event, this party will be a day party, packed with more porn studs and an all-ginger roster of go-go boys. Things that you may see at this party include sex, sex, sex, and more sex. DJs have gotten their dicks sucked while playing a set, so yeah, anything goes here. Just don’t be a slut-shaming loser, and you’ll be fine.

BLOCKORAMA (June 29th, Wellesley Street Parking Lot): There’s a lot of amazing events that happen in the Village the day of the Pride Parade and Blockorama is one of them. This is one of the longest-running stages at Toronto Pride, and features some of the top drag performers and DJs. It’s 11 hours of the most incredible music, stage performances, and overall best energy you’ll feel all weekend. Last year En Vogue performed, which was pretty incredible. Bring your fierceness and everything else will be covered. It’s a really good time!

West:

FIT PRIMPIN (June 27th, 99 Sudbury): Big Primpin is a gay hip-hop party with a long history in the west end. When combined with the electronic and house party FIT, these two heavyweight queer parties turn into one big shit show during Pride called FIT Primpin. The dual event debuted last year at The Great Hall, with two dance floors of half-naked, sweaty bodies, and a spanking booth run by gay porn star/special guest Colby Keller (the line for his booth was longer than a lineup for Beyonce tickets).

Anyway, the party is back, this time at a bigger venue, with more DJs, and a “big-dick bitch” by the name of TS Madison. If you don’t know TS, you better check out her Vine before you come to this party. She’s a superstar performer with a big dick and a 22-inch weave. She will change your life, and your hair choices.

HOT NUTS (June 28th, the Garrison): Hot Nuts is one of the best parties in the city, and it’s been going on for ages. It used to be a monthly party at the Beaver, but it's now a quarterly event is held at The Garrison. Mary Messhausen and Proddy are drag queen royalty, known for their outlandish looks and the amazing performers they bring in for Hot Nuts. This year the girls will have you feeling like a fairy princess with their A Whole New WorldPride party. There’s always a theme for these nights and everyone tends to go all out. You probably won’t get any flack for being that weirdo who doesn’t dress up, but you might wanna grab a costume just in case. Oh and they’re bringing in Nomi Ruiz, the sexy vocalist of Jessica 6 and Hercules And Love Affair fame. Hope that’s enough incentive for you.

@refiningmasc

Britain's young Muslims are taking the fight against President Bashir al-Assad from UK towns to the frontlines of Syria. VICE News headed to the civil war-torn country to follow Amer Deghayes, a 20-year-old former student from Brighton, who joined the "holy war" against his father's wishes after carrying out extensive research online. We joined Amer after the death of his 18-year-old brother Abdullah, who died in a fierce battle against Assad forces in northern Syria. Undeterred by the bloody and brutal conflict, Amer's 16-year-old brother Jaffer has since met up with him in Syria. The UK is now attempting to combat, block, and remove thousands of items of "jihadist propaganda" from the internet in an attempt to deter Britons from taking up arms abroad.

For Amer, the power of jihadist social media—which promotes stories of jihadi legend, martyrdom, and paradise—opened his eyes to the suffering of Muslims in Syria. England is also now citing returning militants as "the biggest security threat to the United Kingdom." The government's position could leave Amer—and the possibly thousands of unknown British fighters—stranded in increasingly fierce and bloody conflicts, and within the grasp of extremist jihadist groups.

It's 81 degrees and sunny in beautiful Williamsburg, Brooklyn, today. And you know what that means... It's time for The Week in GIFs! 

Obama ordered a chicken burrito bowl at Chipotle, which is PR-slang for, "Approval raiting? Hahaha. Hey folks, how about you approve this wicked Mexican-American duece that in a few hours will be dropping from my ass to your mouth, you ungrateful motherf--Wait, what's that? Yes, extra sour cream, please." He also did the dad thing and called the chain "Chipotle's." Of course, scores of pedantic schoolmarms on Twitter got their shorts into a twist because Obama reached over the sneeze guard like... he was the president of the United States of America or something. Pfft. Some people. 

Now that someone actually won a bet that Luis "the Cannibal" Suarez would bite someone during the Urugay-Italy match last Sunday, I would now like to propose a "bite-off" between Suarez and Mike Tyson. I am not sure what this would entail, exactly, but I do know that it would be amazing television. 

You know what they say about giant stone vagina statues: Don't crawl inside or you might never come out. Sadly for the internet, this American exchange student managed to slip out of the monolithic vulva with the help of 22 German firefigthers. Oh, well. You can't win 'em all! 

There's a new app that now gives dick pics a bona fide medical purpose. Just take a photo of your possibly infected junk and zip it over anonymously to your doctor and he will tell you if you have gonoherpasyphilaids. It's like ordering a pizza from your phone! Isn't the future amazing? 

Protestors in Egypt are fed up with sexual violence against women. And, in fact, Egypt, the entire world is fed up with violence against women. Stop it, assholes. 

We documented NYC's premier "drug princess" as she smoked or tried to smoke a college diploma, a DVD of a Lindsay Lohan movie, powdered caffeine, and other shit that you should never inhale into your delicate lungs. Hats off to her for being such a sport, though!

Some kid who we are pretty sure is Bat Boy in disguise learned how to gyrate his hips by walking in on his parents fucking or whatever, and now his little sashay has ensured that his 15 minutes of fame came really, really early because it's "gone viral" as the geriatrics are prone to put it these days.  

Watch these men in suits who are supposed to be running our government join hands and Sing "We Shall Overcome," because it's really, really, really fucking sad what our tax dollars are paying for these days. But don't fret. Because this dog-and-pony show was in celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, I'm certain Pete Seeger would be so proud, and the only thing I can think of that's more offensive than this song is digging up his corpse to ask him what he thinks about it all. RIP Pete. 

Guess what, crybabies? Life isn't that fucking hard. So throw away your anti-depressants and anxiety medications, grow out your hair, take off your fucking clothes, make some fart noises with your mouth, and spread the message of "LOVE NOW" like this tutti-frutti ding-dong genius did in Union Square last week. It's like the Beatles said: "Love (and farts) is all you need." PS: Whoever posted the video and referred to him as crazy, 1) He's a performance artist who has been trolling greater NYC for years now, and 2) Get a fucking life already. This guy has more fun than you will ever have in your 80 years of living shittily. 

Welcome to a special "hood pranks" edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking shitty internet videos on a scale of one to RACIST, with “one” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

You may not know this, but there's more on YouTube than cat videos, video game commentaries, make-up tips, excellent VICE documentaries, and Gangnam Style. "Hood Pranks" is one of the most popular video genres on YouTube, and the creators rack up millions of views by exploiting the simple premise that poor black people are funny to take advantage of.

Hood Prank videos vary in style and subject matter, but their structure is fairly uniform. A group of white dudes—usually in a pack of two to four—venture into a predominantly black (or Latino) neighborhood and do something to purposefully antagonize a group of strangers. These strangers, of course, live in an urban nightmare hellscape of violence, drug abuse, and constant fear. You can probably see the wellspring from which the comedy erupts from a mile away, right?

If the history of American popular culture is any indication, no one's ever gone broke from taking advantage of poor black people, so kudos to you, Hood Prankers! You are carrying on a noble tradition; from Phil Spector to Donald Sterling, you are in good company.

–In this video, two well-meaning, but nerdy white guys go up to unsuspecting black folks and ask them if they "have a problem." Umm, yes they do. Lack of access to fresh food, a broken and poorly funded public education system, and a dearth of affordable housing. Oh, wait. This is a prank video. Never mind.

The white nerd pulls out a calculator and says "I can solve it," and we all realize this was a delightful prank on some unsuspecting Negros. Perhaps there was a commentary about the need for education in the black community in here somewhere, that the solution to all problems of race relations is knowledge.

Probably not. 8

–Magic is not a huge deal in urban black communities, probably because magic is generally totally fucking stupid, but also, when living paycheck to paycheck, splurging on a guy making a playing card disappear means you literally cannot eat for a few days. That's why this video exists—to terrify black people who have never seen magic in person before. In just about every instance, at least one observer high-tails it in the opposite direction. Do they think this is a voodoo trick? Are they worried that the magician could be Satan? Did they remember they left the oven on? Did they decide to check on their "many illegitimate children" in various "area codes"? Who knows? What I do know is that this video expertly reinforces the shameful stereotype that black people are stupid.

Also, I should point out that the title of this video is "COMPTON REACTS TO MAGIC!!!" As someone who lives in Los Angeles, I can tell you that most of this video takes place in Venice, and not in Compton. Though for some, any place where more than five black people congregate is practically Compton. RACIST

–In this video, white people try to steal cell phones straight from the hands of black men minding their own business (A.K.A. SELLING DRUGS, PLANNING TO MURDER SOMEONE, OR NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT, DUH). The victims obviously react badly, putting our merry pranksters in various UFC-style chokeholds until they surrender their ill-gotten gains. I don't even enjoy this for the thrill of watching someone get hurt, and I love watching people get hurt. Look at this guy getting kicked in the nuts. That's comedy. This is just RACIST

–An escaped lion has infiltrated the concrete jungle where dreams are crushed, oh. The zoo decided to send two bumbling goofballz to the hood to track down this deadly predator before it takes another life. The juxtaposition of lions and white men in safari hats with black men in the ghetto is enough to make me want to lock myself in a supply closet until all the fresh air runs out. RACIST

–What are black people most afraid of (besides lions, having their cell phones stolen by strange men, and being gunned down in a hail of bullets in front of their infant son)? The police. In this video, our pranksters approach some strapping young men in the hopes that they can score some drugs. After the victim agrees to sell them drugs, they impersonate police officers, and the drug dealers make a run for it. One of the many common threads in these videos is the supposed thrill that is derived from watching a black person run for their life. This video also shares the same producer as the escaped lion video—VitalyzedTV. Their YouTube channel has 6.7 million subscribers, and their most popular video has 38 million views. As my friends in the hood would say, that's BALLIN'! 9

–The Hood Prank might have reached its pinnacle and entered its Baroque phase by the time this final video was released. A lone prankster (who appears to be Latino, which is a bit of an outlier) pretends to get shot in various "hood-like" areas, so that we can watch the legitimate fear of death wash over the various innocent bystanders. Watch them scurry like ants to avoid being grazed by stray bullet! Gasp in horror as they lock down their businesses! Amaze at the lethargic way the man at the bus stop waves for help! Cry yourself to sleep as you realize this is what passes for entertainment in 2014 America! RACIST

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While the leaders of Ukraine, Russia, Germany, and France are discussing the fate of eastern Ukraine during the country's weeklong ceasefire, the eastern city of Slovyansk—which is occupied by the rebel forces and surrounded by the Ukrainian army—remains under siege. Amid consistent clashes, residents are gathering to mourn civilian deaths and pray for a quick end to the conflict. For the rebel fighters defending their positions in the outskirts of the small town, the ceasefire is something happening elsewhere. They don't trust it, and say the Ukrainian army is only using the opportunity to bring in more heavy weaponry and refill stocks of ammunition.

Early on June 21, VICE News embedded with a small group of rebel fighters as they walked quietly through a field of high grass to an abandoned chemical plant controlled by the pro-government troops. Their mission was to stage an attack and collect intelligence about the enemy's sniper positions.

In the long and glorious history of skateboarding many domestic cities stand out as mini-Meccas in various eras of its growth and development. The short list tends to consist of Venice Beach, San Francisco, New York, Philadelphia, and Portland. One city that rarely gets mentioned is Seattle. Until recently Seattle has been acknowledged more for the music used for decades in skate videos than actual skateboarding. Despite producing talented skaters dating back to former H-Street OG Chad Vogt in the early 90s right up to current Girl Skateboards’ pro, Corey Kennedy the greater Puget Sound Area remains pretty slept on.

My first visit to Seattle was in 2000 when the former home of the Seattle Seahawks, The King Dome, was demolished. As I sat in my hotel room watching the news the anchorwoman spoke of local legend, Tom Peha, climbing and skating the King Dome (seen in the first minute of this classic Seattle video, Urban Rubble).

I instantly fell in love with Seattle’s skate scene but have always felt with Portland and California so close that it didn’t get the notoriety it deserved. But local Welcome Skateboards pro, Nolan Johnson, adamantly disagreed, “I don’t think anyone overlooked Seattle for skateboarding. There have been plenty of historical skate events here from Gotcha Grind contest in the 80s to the West Seattle crew having vert ramps and bowls, to events when I was a kid like Hey Punk at the Seattle center and Tony Hawk tour coming to Rain City Skatepark. Lib Tech coming out with fiberglass skateboards in the late 90s, Sound and Fury contest I could go on and on. They’re all documented in magazines and all over the Internet. I just don’t see how you think Seattle has been slept on.”

Plan B Skateboards pro Torey Pudwill blamed it on the rain, “I think Seattle gets overlooked mainly because the harsh weather almost year-round. But unless your from Seattle or have visited, you wouldn't know that it's a city full of purpose whether you’re trying to hang or skate. There's a ton of untouched spots, really well designed skateparks, and a lot of art all over the town giving it a rad history. Not to mention, when the weather is good, it's absolutely beautiful and perfect for skating.”

Map by Amigo Skateboards’ Sasha Barr

The skatespots are the reason we’re discussing Seattle at all. As you can see from this handy, dandy skate map there are 78 skateparks, sanctioned skate spots, and skate dots in Seattle and the surrounding area with more being developed and added soon by the supportive folks at the Seattle Parks and Recreation department. Last weekend, on Go Skateboarding Day, I was flown to Seattle for the unveiling of the newest spot, The Red Bull Skate Space. Last August I wrote about the developing story where Red Bull had commissioned Oregon-based artist C.J. Rench to build a public skateable piece of art for Seattle. Ten months later the final touches were put on the 22-feet-tall, 11,000-pound red monster revealing the secret message in the design: The piece was dedicated to me and my family. 

Torey Pudwill, photos courtesy of Red Bull

When I first saw the piece, I was equally excited and concerned. On one hand it was clear to see it was built in my honor but I had no idea how the hell anyone was going to skate it. Torey Pudwill, the mind behind the project, has a long history with my family, which began when he won $10,000 at the Maloof Money Cup Best Trick in Flushing, Queens in 2010. At the time my first-born son, Christopher II., was barely nine months old and my wife—also named Cris—was still nursing. To celebrate Torey’s victory she squeezed out a shot of breast milk for him. One year later he was the first to the hospital when my second son, Christopher III, was born. He’s been a part of our family ever since but never in my life would I imagine he would design three connected, skateable Cs with a fourth curved C ledge at its base to signify the four Chris Nieratkos. 

Torey Pudwill with a shot of my wife's breast milk.

As my wife and I stood in the shadow of the massive Nieratko-sculpture we teared up. “You did this for us?” She asked Torey. He smiled and hugged us both. In my 15 years of working as a writer in skateboarding people have extended numerous extreme kindnesses to me and skating has truly made a wonderful life for me and my family. But no one has made such a grandiose gesture as to forge a symbol of my undying love for skateboarding out of steel as Torey did with the Red Bull Skate Space.

Just before Torey and C.J. stepped upon the curved-C ledge to address the gathered crowd and local media Torey asked me if I wanted to say a few words about the real meaning of the piece but I was so choked up that, for the first time in my life, I was speechless. In hindsight I should have at least thanked C.J., Torey, Red Bull, The City of Seattle, my wife and kids, and skateboarding; but it was such an emotional moment that I was I felt incapacitated. 

As Torey stepped off the podium we hugged again. Teary-eyed, I told him, “It really is wonderful. I mean it. I can’t thank you enough. And I don’t want to sound ungrateful but how the hell are you supposed to skate this? The tranny in the big Cs are super tight, the C ledge is a drastic curve and the run up to the thing is hairpin and the ledge on the backside is nearly tit high (another subtle homage to the breast milk incident.), and those wavy things, I don’t even know what those are.” I was basically confessing I couldn’t skate it. My pathetic noseslide was all I had for it. But then again I am not a professional skateboarder and the pros that Red Bull flew in (Torey, Ryan Sheckler, Ryan Decenzo, Felipe Gustavo and Joey Brezinski and amateurs Alex Midler and Tom Schaar) made it look easy. Like that Sheckler kickflip fakie in the top C? For as basic of a trick as that is it would be nearly impossible for most other skaters. 

Ryan Sheckler

The four Cs are an obvious tribute to my clan but truthfully the final execution of the sculpture is a metaphor for my entire life. Torey knows all about my rough childhood, having grown up in constant fear in a home decimated by domestic violence. My mother, my siblings, and I never knew which day my drunken old man would send one of us to the hospital with a concussion or broken arm or nose. Life was not easy and every day I battle with those memories. Torey explained, “I didn’t want it to be easy to skate. I didn’t want it to be a skatepark. I wanted it to be a spot worth filming a trick on and if you were going to get something good, it was going to be a battle. And I just want it be a spot for every generation of future skaters.”

I dropped to my knees and broke down and cried.

Thank you, skateboarding.

Check out Skate Space or follow Torey Pudwill on Twitter.

More stupid can be found on Chris Nieratako's website or follow him on Twitter.